After 1 year of LDR at last I am close to her but she seems to slip away

[Martin Guerrini]

I met a woman through telephone by the end of 2001. She was a manager in a company based in Maryland and I was their local agent in Spain. In a very amazing way we fell in love even before seeing each other’s picture. Very soon we exchanged our pictures, and started to talk everyday on the phone. During one year or so we exchanged literally thousands of emails, letters and presents until our physical meeting in the States.

 

From the very beginning I knew she had a daughter and that she had a pending divorce. What I did not know until our meeting was the fact that her willingness to divorce was somewhat ambiguous. She said that it was for her daughter to have a father, that otherwise she would lose her custody, that it is too complicated etc. Even more striking fact was that her husband who lives in France actually stays at her house (not in the same room) when he is in the States on business trip (two or three times a year). She said that: (i) all this situation was too complicated to explain on the telephone, (ii) now that I know she would not complain if I just walk out but that she loves me like nobody else, etc. I was in love with her head over the hills too… so we decided to give it a try. She told me things like “being together forever” that all she was doing in the past was just “waiting for me”, etc.

 

We started to make a plan to be closer than Baltimore – Madrid. I would come to DC to get an MBA degree. However, when I came to the States something unexpected happened. She only visited me twice in 6 months although she lives only 2 hours away from the school. She started to complain that I was paying more attention to the school than to her, and eventually her emails and telephone calls became scarce. Upon my complaint, she just blamed her work and the attention required by her daughter (now 4 years old). She said that she was giving me all her free time but that I was being ungrateful (that a good mother should not date). But we agreed that we would share some time in Christmas. She said that between work and her daughter she had no time at all.

 

However, by Christmas time she had to go to France upon request of her daughter’s grandmother. I told to myself that it was too much for me and in spite of being deeply in love with her I decided to go to see her and break up if she is not willing to improve this lack of communication. However, when I saw her I could not find anything but love… she said that she was always trying and that she would try more, that she has plans to get divorced although she does not know when. But on the other hand, she said that she was feeling sorry for her husband because he is trying very hard to be a good father for her daughter. I told her that if she wants her husband back… we should break up.

 

After that meeting things have not changed much… we seldom talk to each other. She always says that she is sorry but that she is too busy. That she loves me but I have to be patient. I think she has a sort of psychological dependence on her husband, and most of all a guilty feeling with respect to her daughter. I know that she is having a very tough kind of life but can a woman be so busy as not to talk to her boyfriend? Especially, after having been so devoted in distance during 2 years? How can she reply all my thoughtful and caring messages with the same “I have to run… I am too busy.. I am sorry… nevertheless you are in my heart always, etc.”.

 

Some background information: I am 30 years old single (never been married) and she is 35 years old. My family is a very traditional Spanish family and none of my close family members got divorced. Her mother had a very long divorce process (8years) with her father. She never had a good relationship with her father. She got pregnant from a 2 year relationship with this French guy. The guy did not want the baby so they broke up. She had the baby alone. Nevertheless, after the baby’s birth they got married. According to her, she decided to do so for her daughter (even knowing the aggressive character of this French guy). They really have not live together. He never left his house in France.

 

My mind tells me that we have no way out, especially if she does not change. That would be also beneficial for her hectic and tangled life… But what can I do with my heart? She is extremely sweet and beautiful and I am still desperately in love with her.

 

On the other hand, I don’t know what is on her mind. If she wants to keep my love, she should not act like this.

 

I will appreciate any comment from you.

 

Martin

[moimeme]

but can a woman be so busy as not to talk to her boyfriend? Especially, after having been so devoted in distance during 2 years? How can she reply all my thoughtful and caring messages with the same “I have to run… I am too busy.. I am sorry… nevertheless you are in my heart always, etc.”.

 

I don't think she wants an actual relationship. I think she enjoyed having an unreal relationship while you were far enough away to not have to deal with in person. Heck, she's married to a man who lives on another continent! I'm guessing she's got bigtime commitment issues which are unlikely to change. If you're happy being a fantasy in her life, continue doing so. If I were you, I'd move on. Unfortunately, though some LD relationships do end happily, yours does not sound like one of those which will.

[Arabess]

I think Moimeme is correct!

 

She may love your heart and attention.....but obviously not your presence.

 

That's one of the drawbacks of a LDR. The true motives or psycgological reasonings behind them can remain hidden until your heart is in so deep....it's hard to let go.

[Martin Guerrini]

After moving forward and back, finally she told me during a dinner (and in the presence of her daughter) that she "would stop pursuing this relationship" and this "will never gonna work out". When I expressed sadness she told me that my love is absolutely corresponded by her... that "that is not the issue". Her last words after kissing "good night" was "I love you (!)".

 

After one week of silence, I started to feel in the center of the burning hell. I emailed her that I cannot believe what's happening to us... that I cannot let it go when there is still love between us. She told me that she would like to "help me" and would like to talk about it with more time. I sent some more emails asking for her reasons and views. Her reply was always "ok... we are going to have that talk but not now I am too busy" and stuff. Later that week, she called to say "that she is not trying to avoid me" but that "she did not have time to assess the situation (!)".

 

Now it's going to be 2 weeks without talking to her and it's breaking my heart again and again. If she wanna finish this why she is avoiding that open conversation that she promised to have? That would be so helpful to end this in the right way. How can she act like that after sharing so many dreams with me for 2 years, after making so many plans for the future??

[moimeme]

She was living in a fantasy. She never wanted it to be real. You wanting to make it real has spoiled it for her. She loves the idea of you, the fantasy of you but she didn't want her fantasy to be real.

[Martin Guerrini]

Why is that? She always told me that my trip to the States was OUR PLAN. She helped me with the applications. She actually paid for my apartment deposit, etc. In any case, why she cannot tell me so. If she only came and told me whatever the situation is, it would be so easier for me to move on! Because of the nature of the relationship we exchanged a lot of information with each other, that sharing of intimacy should not allow us to have a open heart conversation and disclose the truth. If she is the girl that I me and I have love for all this time... then I would accept to be a friend. But right now.. I am just suffering this "stop without words". I need her words to leave this with good memories. After all, I've loved her so much... and she was so so devoted for year and a half.

[Timbo]

I would stop contacting her.

 

She might not want you to hear the real reason right now, because she knows it will cause you needless hurt. There might be another man in the picture.

 

Let it go and move on.

 

I feel for you.

 

Tim

[Martin Guerrini]

I seriously doubt it. She is a single mother (the kid is only 3) and with a bunch of complicated work overload. Well, I know that such possibility is always there but I really doubt it. On the other hand, even that is the case she clearly knows (because she knows me) that telling the truth is the best way to "help" me. A sincere conversation is what our once beautiful relationship deserves!!

[SoleMate]

Martin, I'm so sorry but I have to agree with moimeme and Arabess on this. They understand the situation exactly the same way I do. This woman loves the attention and the fantasy, and having a man who is obviously so devoted to her, but for whatever reason, she does not want the real, physical you. She is STILL living in this fantasy; that is why she still TALKS of love even when her actions SCREAM "I don't need or want you anywhere near me". Of course, if my devoted lover were within reach, I would drive for hours and go through a lot of trouble to be with him.

 

I am quite sure that there is no hope for a real relationship, or closure, or explanations, or understanding why she has behaved this way. She probably either doesn't understand or won't admit why she has misbehaved so shamefully toward you, or why her personal life is so odd and complicated. And from your point of view, it DOESN'T MATTER. Even though your heart is screaming "WHY????", you just have to listen to your head, which is saying it's over. She's not just slipping away, she is GONE.

 

Next stop, the "Breaking Up" forum. I am truly sorry, you sound like a wonderful guy that any woman would be lucky to have.

[ace6061]

Martin, I feel your pain. My GF left me after five years. She told me she still loved me but had to be alone. For the first month we really didn’t talk. We then got together to talk. She gave me some reasons; some made sense some did not. But she also told me that she had feelings for another guy. This was something I just didn’t need to hear. It has been three months now and after talking more with her I don’t understand it any better. She has opened up more but she seems to still be beating around the bush. She has given me some reasons but I still love her and that is where the problem is. I feel that the reasons she has mentioned can be worked through but she doesn’t. This no contact rule is a good idea for that reason. A good female friend told me that women are like that, they will take things to there grave. She said that even if we do ever get back together I would probable never know the real and/or whole reasons she had for leaving me. I know it is hard to leave things like that. The thing you have to remember is the faster you can let it go the faster you will be happy. There is a good chance you will never get a reason and if you do get one, because of the feelings you have towards her it will never be good enough. Also think of the fact that if you ask for reasons it may push for away even more. I know all this is easier said then done because I still am having trouble just letting go. I have realized that the more you do let go the easier it is to keep doing it.

[Martin Guerrini]

Thanks for your thoughtful comments.

 

Of course, if my devoted lover were within reach, I would drive for hours and go through a lot of trouble to be with him.

On that dinner, she told me that during the last 4 months if there is one person in the world craving to see me that was her, that if it was not for her little baby she would have come to see me everyday.... Yes, she must have some serious problem with fantasy/reality.

 

She's not just slipping away, she is GONE.

My mind already knows that but my heart is stuck in the sadness. Good memories come back to me over and over again preventing me from being detached from her. Despite her mistreatment, I am not achieving to be angry with her. I only feel pain for not being with her. From the plates to the ironing board, my apartment is full of her things and they all make me miss her more. Oh, God give me strength!!!

 

Ace, thanks for sharing your experience.... I am replying to your posting in the Break-up forum. From now on that's seems to be my place. Yes, SoleMate. I am already in the Break-up forum... sadly.

[Martin Guerrini]

Ace,

 

Well, it seems that LoveShack does not want me to be in the break-up forum yet. They merged my posting there with this one. So that is why I am replying here.

 

I have realized that the more you do let go the easier it is to keep doing it.

 

Probably you are right. She just ran away and seemingly without any sense of pain. How can she tell me that she "didn't have time to assess the situation" when I am waking up every morning with this burning pain in my chest. Under this scheme she would never be ready to pour her truth in me. However, I still keep wondering; "can't she have this last kindness with me after all we have done together?".

[cherryblossom]

Martin, I don't have much advice to share, but I just wanted to make the comment that I'm glad I read your post. I am going through something similar myself, in which I am in love with a man who is currently undergoing an ambiguous divorce from a spouse in another country. To make a long story short, we're like soul mates, and we both are madly in love with each other. I haven't been intimate with him in respect to his pending divorce. But emotionally, mentally and spiritually, we've shared everything. However he misses his son, wants to be there for him, and feels that the only solution is to get back with his wife. But he can't let go of me, nor I of him.

 

Eventually, I will probably have to let him go, but I don't want to right now. I too feel so much love in my heart, that I'm willing to bear his faults. (such as his drinking problem and susceptibility to other women). They say love is blind. I feel like I can be the one to help him, or even save him. But I know that the outside observer may say I'm living a fantasy or dream life. Little reminders, such as songs on the radio, restaurants and places we've been cause pain in my heart. But I realize that I will have to move on. Reading your story, tragic as it may be, I realize that I am not alone. And I feel better knowing there are others who are dealing with similar issues like my own and that we can learn from each other. I wish you the best on your situation and look forward to seeing how things progress!

[Martin Guerrini]

Although our cases have their differences, I am glad that you found my story helpful. Drinking problem and susceptibility for other women?! Cherry, you gotta be strong. Get out of this situation and try to be happy in any other way possible.

[SoleMate]

Martin, I was thinking some more about your story. Do you mind telling me if you're glad to be working on the MBA even if this lady is no longer there for you?

 

You come from a traditional, family-oriented background. If you stay in the US, you should know that those values are present in many parts of our country. Probably not so much in DC, but in the more rural areas (and those women do move to the city to work). I know this is the furthest thing from your mind right now, but there are lots of charming young ladies with a "one man/one woman/for a lifetime" mindset out there. Just get to really know her, and her friends and family, before you fall next time... If you had known your current ex's family and friends, they no doubt would have clued you in on what to expect from her.

 

As far as the ironing board etc. goes, I would recommend picking up a bunch of packing cartons, blasting some CDs, and packing it all up. Have a bottle of cognac there with you if you want. Then ship it, deposit it at a storage facility where the first month is free (let her know where of course), or drive at all to her place and dump it in the yard - whichever you choose.

 

When that's done, go do something fun for yourself. And start to heal.

 

Good luck!

[Martin Guerrini]

SoleMate,

 

Thank you for taking your time to think of my case. Well, the answer should be yes. MBA is supposed to be good for my career. However, the progressive loss of her has casted so many shadows! This year was supposed to be the year of bliss and celebration and ended up being the valley of tears and broken heart.

 

I wish I was so tough and strong as to dump those many things in the yard but I am not. And I know that. So I just hope to cope with this pain, process the grief, and eventually forgive her. If she doesn't call in a month or so, I could call her for a coffee. Hopefully, we would find a proper way to say "goodbye to love" then.

 

Her family background was disturbing from the first moment, but I could not help it. Love comes with such a violence as much as the abandonment! There was no escape when she told me that "all I've been really doing in my life was waiting for you".

 

Now the urgency is how to deal with this cutting pain on my chest and the upcoming final exams. Help!

 

SoleMate, thank you very much for your observation and encouragement. I don't know when but I hope that the next time I fall that is forever.

 

M.

[SoleMate]

I could call her for a coffee

I really wish you wouldn't. There won't be any closure for you. If anything, she'll just be yanking your chain again. I'm quite sure this lady will not be able to tell you anything that helps at all. You'll just get sucked farther in.

 

About the chest pain...if you really mean physical pain...please see a doctor about it. It may be treatable, or even something serious.

[Martin Guerrini]

Sole, why are you so sure that I cannot reach a closure for this?

As to the chest pain, it's just the pain of her loss. I am getting used to it and it will go eventually.

[SoleMate]

What I meant was that meeting her will not provide closure, quite the opposite in fact. Please read up on the "No Contact" rule in other threads. Survey says it is the fastest way to get over a love that meant a lot to you.

 

You can get closure, but you have to provide it for yourself.

[rvanne77]

Oh Martin,

Unfortunately, when you love someone and lose him or her it isn’t as easy as it was to fall in love with him or her. I think the first 6 months of a break up are the hardest. And I agree with the other members, she wasn’t in love with you as a person but she may have loved the idea of you until you where here and tangible. I also agree that you need to get her stuff out of your house. I like the storage unit idea, and then send her a quick simple email “Hey this is where your stuff is you need to pick it up by X date.” Then clear out all memories of her, if you can’t get rid of your mementoes then pack them away and put them in a place that you cannot reach them easily. Then one day when you have healed you can reasonable go through it. Then go out and have blast your in DC right; there is so much to do, day or night. Spend a day at a museum or get crazy and go to a club do something to get your mind off of her do not sit around an feel sad. FOUCUS on your school that is important and you don’t want to lose that because of a girl. And I also agree you should just let go don’t try to meet for coffee, just let go. Maybe six months or a year from now a nice email conversation but stay away from each other for a while it will be helpful for both of you give each of you time evaluate the whole situation. And you can talk when you are not so involved. I wish you the best of luck… America is a great place to live!

[pinklove]

I agree with the others

 

She was olnly living in a fantasy and not reality. She wanted to get your hopes up about her, but was not willing to really follow through with her plan. It's time to move on, it's over between the two of u. I don't know what her intentions are for the future with her husband and daughter, but I do know that it is obvious that she doesn't want to to be with u in reality. U need to find someone that will appreciate u for who u are. U seem like a good person

 

Good luck!!!