a year later and a twist...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

hello friends. i havent posted in quite some time. heres where things stand. after debating on taking him back after he and his wife separated, it appears i missed the boat and he returned home.

 

almost a year later and i am simply just as messed up and confused as i was before. i think of him constantly, my divorce close to final. i am the absolute epitome of the mess an affair can create.

 

what i failed to mention in all of my numerous posts is that my child, my younger son is the son of my eMM. my stbxH knows this as well as most any person who has ever seen him. my xMM knows suspects this as well, as he has also informed his wife.

 

we discussed this shortly after dday. as during our affair he deeply loved this child. he told me he told his wife of the possibility. but that he wanted no parts of this child. he said he would man up if asked to, but didnt want to. and made the threat that if it was his child, his wife would force him to take visitation and together they would raise him on the set visitation.

 

this was purely by accident and stupidity. we took measures for this not to happen, but due to the circumstances it did. we trusted modern medicine, but that trust failed. and in turn i have the most amazing child on the face of this earth.

 

he knows of the paternity test, but i told him i chose not to find out the results and instead my divorce opted not to persue child support. this part is true. my stbx doesnt see either of my children that much, but does see them both equally on the infrequent visits (by his own choice).

 

so here i am wondering if i made the right choice and at the same time fighting to get over this man who still has a hold on me. we dont work together anymore, but see each other now and then. im still in love, still beside myself and still dont know what to do.

 

he knows the child is his but chooses to remain absent. i dont want the money from him, but my son could benefit form having a father figure. im just not sure what to do as i dont want to make any decision that my son could later come back and question me on. so ive left it that if xmm wants to know, we can find out.

 

please dont be harsh as im down on my knees as i write this. beg.

[seren]

No harshness from me, sounds like you have had enough of that. It wonder if you are mixing your still loving the man, with your, what to do, regarding your son. Do you want him to be involved in your son's life? Do you want and could you accept if the XBS was also involved in your son's life?

I wonder if the XWS would want contact as it would remind him of the A, and as he is reconciling, that might not be something he wants. Similarly the XBS might find it very difficult to see your son without being reminded of the A. I like to think that if my H and OW had, had a child, that it could be sorted out and we could have a positive contribution to their life - but it doesn't always work that way.

 

Sounds to me that he is shirking his responsibilities and that you are left to do the mopping up - not that your son isn't wanted, not that you don't love him to bits, but you cannot make his father feel the same (sorry). I can also see that your son is a constant reminder of a relationship in which you loved and still love. It also sounds like he is getting on with his life without a care, again sorry for this hurts.

 

My XH had and has nothing to do with our son, we all lived as a family for 6 years, when we divorced he made sporadic attempts to see our son, then left for the States and started a new life. My point being, that you cannot make someone accept responsibility, feel love or do the right thing, unless they want to. It boggles my mind how my XH cannot love our lovely boy (now 26) as I do, but that's how it is. I think you should pursue financial support, but guard your heart, him being your son's father is very different from him loving you. He sounds like a conflict avoider extraordinairre.

I so hope it all works out. x

[Woman In Blue]

I've never understood the dynamic of choosing to have a MM's baby, knowing full well you're setting that poor child up for a lifetime of being shunned, ignored, battled over in court, and not wanted by his own father. No amount of patting him on the back or taking him to the park for ice cream is going to wipe that ugliness away.

 

Your situation is no different than all the rest I read about. Your MM probably didn't tell his wife ANYTHING about your kid being his. The truth is, they're ALWAYS out to save their own sorry asses, so it seems pretty unlikely that he spilled his guts to his wife about having an OC - unless he was going to actually STEP UP to the plate without you having to make him do it. Instead, you got the typical weasel response from him (as they all give) that he'll do it if you make him do it - but he doesn't WANT to. Surely this isn't a surprise to anyone as married men are all about being selfish and only in it for themselves.

 

And lastly, child support is the right of your CHILD, whether you want it or not. The weasel chooses to be ABSENT from his kid's life, so you can't him to be a "father" figure when he clearly wants no part of it. But as far as child support goes, whether YOU want it or not is immaterial. It's your child's right. It sounds as though you're once again willing to sacrifice your child's needs in order to pander to this married jerk in the hopes of him coming back to you and that's why you're not pursuing your child's right to support. Why don't you look at the bigger picture and realize that his monthly support payment could be put in the bank every month so when your son graduates high school, his entire college fund will be waiting for him?

 

Stop pandering to your married man in the hopes that he'll see what a lovely catch you are, and start thinking about your CHILD instead. You chose to have him, so start doing RIGHT by him.

Edited September 30, 2010 by Woman In Blue

[pureinheart]

I've never understood the dynamic of choosing to have a MM's baby, knowing full well you're setting that poor child up for a lifetime of being shunned, ignored, battled over in court, and not wanted by his own father. No amount of patting him on the back or taking him to the park for ice cream is going to wipe that ugliness away.

 

Your situation is no different than all the rest I read about. Your MM probably didn't tell his wife ANYTHING about your kid being his. The truth is, they're ALWAYS out to save their own sorry asses, so it seems pretty unlikely that he spilled his guts to his wife about having an OC - unless he was going to actually STEP UP to the plate without you having to make him do it. Instead, you got the typical weasel response from him (as they all give) that he'll do it if you make him do it - but he doesn't WANT to. Surely this isn't a surprise to anyone as married men are all about being selfish and only in it for themselves.

 

And lastly, child support is the right of your CHILD, whether you want it or not. The weasel chooses to be ABSENT from his kid's life, so you can't him to be a "father" figure when he clearly wants no part of it. But as far as child support goes, whether YOU want it or not is immaterial. It's your child's right. It sounds as though you're once again willing to sacrifice your child's needs in order to pander to this married jerk in the hopes of him coming back to you and that's why you're not pursuing your child's right to support. Why don't you look at the bigger picture and realize that his monthly support payment could be put in the bank every month so when your son graduates high school, his entire college fund will be waiting for him?

 

Stop pandering to your married man in the hopes that he'll see what a lovely catch you are, and start thinking about your CHILD instead. You chose to have him, so start doing RIGHT by him.

 

In bold, being a person who absolutely loves kids NO MATTER WHAT, I find this wording to be extremely uncalled for.

 

When talking about children, there is NO ugliness ever...no, the ugliness is in those who feel this way.

 

 

OP Huggs to you MBEG...everything will work out...hang in there and I think you are doing a great job...you got my thoughts and prayers and all will be well with you.....I promise.

[TigerCub]

my stbx doesnt see either of my children that much, but does see them both equally on the infrequent visits (by his own choice).

 

...

 

he knows the child is his but chooses to remain absent. i dont want the money from him, but my son could benefit form having a father figure.

 

Those 2 paragraphs make me question why you really want MM to be in your child's life.

Because when it comes to your stbx, you seem ok with him not seeing the children - you call it his choice, I realize that one of the kids is MM's child, but is the other kid not stbx's? I'm just wondering.

 

Because if you're saying "its his choice" if he doesn't spend as much time with the kids as you like, but then you're singing a different tune about having a father figure when it comes to MM being in your child's life, then that really makes me wonder if you're just thinking that because deep down you just want xMM back in YOUR life.

 

I truly am sorry for your situation, but I also agree with WomanInBlue about xMM not telling his wife about your child. I think he set the whole thing up to scare you when he told you that him and his w would be "raising" (the word you used) your kid when xMM gets visitation.

 

I really think he said it that way, hoping that you wouldn't want her to be involved in your child's life. Also, if xMM isn't stepping up to do his part for your child, why would he go and cause himself so much trouble with his W by revealing the A and that he made a child with the OW? - not likely.

 

As far as the child support goes - I also agree that you should get what your child is entitled to. Save it for him (if you don't need it now).

 

xMM obviously doesn't want to be a part of your child's life, and that is truly sad

But you can't force someone to be a father and care about his kid.

 

Maybe if you serve him papers and ask for child support - the truth will come out to the W and then xMM will actually step up once W leaves him. But if that doesn't happen, you still have to do what's best for your child and you really have to question your real motives for why you want xMM in your child's life.

 

Good luck to you

[Brokenlady]

Mbeg,

If you think you "missed the boat", consider the Titanic. This man isn't worth your tears, and I suspect both you and your son will be better off without him. It is fortunate that your xh has stepped up to be a father figure for your son, though I'm sure it is painful for him. Dies your sin know who his father really is?

[scatterd]

Your XMM will some day regret not being a part of his life but that does nothing for now.Many natural fathers dog out on their children after devorice also and the woman is left with the raising.My Xs paid child support here and there but moved on and started new lifes .I remarried and my husband now helped in raising my children he loves them and they love him.Anyone can be a father but being a Dad is what counts.You have an opption of making him pay child support and maybe he just does not want to if he was seeing him

that would mean he would have to pay you.I know that sounds bad but seen it many times just do the best you can do your child will be fine he is loved.

I wish you and kids a wonderful life big hugs

[ladydesigner]

Oh my MBEG I had no idea. I remember reading all your posts. No wonder you love this man so much not only the connection you had with him but a child as well. He went back so I guess let him be, but I would still bring up the fact that the child is in fact his. Maybe he will come around and want to be a father figure in this child's life. In the meantime I would just love those children like there is no tomorrow and no looking back. Children are the best healers of a broken heart. Focus on yourself and your health and in time will meet someone new.

 

Oh and BTW this post is:sick:

Originally Posted by Woman In Blue

I've never understood the dynamic of choosing to have a MM's baby, knowing full well you're setting that poor child up for a lifetime of being shunned, ignored, battled over in court, and not wanted by his own father. No amount of patting him on the back or taking him to the park for ice cream is going to wipe that ugliness away.

I agree with PIH that with any child there is no ugliness. A child is the most miraculous and beautiful gift a person can have. They should all be embraced. Any ugly opinions about that are just that ugly opinions.

[2sure]

You love him. You still love him and naturally would like him to be a part of your life.

 

He has chosen a life without you, even though he may have feelings for you as well. He may love his child but has told you through words and actions that he does not want the child in his life. He has gone so far as to tell you that should you insist he be part of the childs life...that he and his wife will do so together.

 

Normally that is the right solution...but as you put it, I got the idea he suggested that not out of concern for the child but out of spite for you.

 

Better to raise the child alone, with no input from a father who sees him out of spite for the mother. If you do not need his financial resources, simply tell he and his wife that while you will in the future be honest with your child about his parentage (when it arises) you will not look to them for involvement yourself.

[silverplanets]

Oh my MBEG I had no idea. I remember reading all your posts. No wonder you love this man so much not only the connection you had with him but a child as well. He went back so I guess let him be, but I would still bring up the fact that the child is in fact his. Maybe he will come around and want to be a father figure in this child's life. In the meantime I would just love those children like there is no tomorrow and no looking back. Children are the best healers of a broken heart. Focus on yourself and your health and in time will meet someone new.

 

Oh and BTW this post is:sick:I agree with PIH that with any child there is no ugliness. A child is the most miraculous and beautiful gift a person can have. They should all be embraced. Any ugly opinions about that are just that ugly opinions.

 

Hi MBEG,

 

First of all, I bet you're an absolutely wonderful mum ... and your child will live forever in the warmth and light of that.

 

With respect to the MM then I agree with the bolded above ... life is (hopefully) long and children (and parents) change substantially during childhood ... especially as childhood in most western countries seems to now go on to 25+ in many ways.

 

So that's a lot of time and water to flow under that bridge, and also as the little one gets older he/she might influence the "who is my father" issue ...

 

I am a firm believer in not shutting out one parent from a child's life if at all possible, but if they don't want to play a part then all you can do is focus on being the best parent you can be ....

 

If he wants to take part in his/her life in the future then deal with it then, but in the meantime, throw yourself 200% into enjoying being a mum ...

 

It goes SO quick .. and my one real comment would be don't trade in even one ounce of time with your child for pining after xmm, time with your son/daughter is worth so much more than time pining.

 

Life is telling you that you can't be with xmm ... ok, that sucks, but whilst that door is closed, look at the ones that are open to you ..

 

being with your child

learning the wonder of seeing things through the eyes of a child

growing spiritually and mentally through looking after a child

enjoying exciting days out with your child

enjoying "trivial" moments just doing nothing with your child

watching your child grow, walk, learn to talk etc

and, my absolute favourite, holding your child whilst they sleep x

 

And as life progresses there;s the chance to get invovled in schools, with other mothers and see a whole new side of live.

 

In short, imho, you have the chance to LIVE.

 

And that door, and all the millions of doors that follow it, is fully open to you ...

 

So, what does it matter if one silly door is shut, the door to a world of miracles is open ..

 

be safe

Chris

[stillafool]

OP who will pay child support for the xMM's son if he doesn't? How will you manage?

[mybrowneyedgirl]

my reasons for not asking xmm to step up were this.

 

1. he didnt want to be a part of this childs life, and so i dont want to force someone who isnt willing. (although when he was begging me back he claimed he did)

 

2. i dont want my child to carry any burden of a father who doesnt want him or to be labeled because of how he came into this world.

 

3. i honestly do feel threatened by the comments of "what she might force" if the truth is revealed throught the court system

 

4. i dont want to be accused of going after xmm's money (although it certainly would help my son)

 

my reasons for questioning it now...

 

1. i dont want my child to one day think that i kept him away or hid this from xmm or anything of the sort. i want to make the right decision and not do anything that may lead him to feel negative towards me in the future.

 

2. we are in a terrible financial situation and my child could have a better life with some support

 

3. i watch my baby crave the love of a father and would like to give that to him.

 

thanks for the comments. as for people questioning why i decided to have another man's baby...i cant give many details, but i have never had a single second thought about this. it wasnt an option for me.

 

i also didnt discuss this before because i didnt want it to play a factor in my decisions concerning xmm. after i made the choice not to go back with him and then him returning to his wife, i can safely talk about it.

[bestplayer]

Your son is entitled to receive CS from xMM.

 

It WILL come out that your son is xMM's. Even if not by you, your son will find him one day. He can't keep that from his W forever. Especially considering the condition of their M right now, I think there should be full disclosure so she can make an informed decision.

 

She may not want to remain with him if he has another child to deal with. Can you imagine all the work they're (she's) probably putting into this M for her to be hit upside the head again in however long with this piece of news?

 

Better for her to know now. You never know what they will or won't do as far as challenging you about anything. In reality, them being a part of his life could be a good thing in the long run. She might get up and walk away from it all. She may end up providing you the assistance you need. But I'd bet that his threats are pretty much nothing but threats to try to control you and keep this secret safe.

 

I think there is a possibility that it can be good for OP if xMM's wife is informed about this child . She might decide to leave the marriage & OP & xMM will eventually get a chance to be together .

[bestplayer]

my reasons for not asking xmm to step up were this.

 

1. he didnt want to be a part of this childs life, and so i dont want to force someone who isnt willing. (although when he was begging me back he claimed he did)

 

2. i dont want my child to carry any burden of a father who doesnt want him or to be labeled because of how he came into this world.

 

3. i honestly do feel threatened by the comments of "what she might force" if the truth is revealed throught the court system

 

4. i dont want to be accused of going after xmm's money (although it certainly would help my son)

 

my reasons for questioning it now...

 

1. i dont want my child to one day think that i kept him away or hid this from xmm or anything of the sort. i want to make the right decision and not do anything that may lead him to feel negative towards me in the future.

 

2. we are in a terrible financial situation and my child could have a better life with some support

 

3. i watch my baby crave the love of a father and would like to give that to him.

 

thanks for the comments. as for people questioning why i decided to have another man's baby...i cant give many details, but i have never had a single second thought about this. it wasnt an option for me.

 

i also didnt discuss this before because i didnt want it to play a factor in my decisions concerning xmm. after i made the choice not to go back with him and then him returning to his wife, i can safely talk about it.

" ........as for people questioning why i decided to have another man's baby...i cant give many details, but i have never had a single second thought about this. it wasnt an option for me......."

 

Well I think it is really confusing , why you didn't have a single second thought before having xMM's child ?

 

I think there are always various options available to avoid unwanted pregnency at any reasonable stage .

[newlife2010]

" ........as for people questioning why i decided to have another man's baby...i cant give many details, but i have never had a single second thought about this. it wasnt an option for me......."

 

Well I think it is really confusing , why you didn't have a single second thought before having xMM's child ?

 

I think there are always various options available to avoid unwanted pregnency at any reasonable stage .

 

Ummm. Where does she ever say it was an 'unwanted pregnancy'??? 'Unplanned' and 'unwanted' are two totally different things.

 

You make assumptions for someone else based on YOUR personal opinions. Very narrow minded.

 

She in fact said that she was the mother "to the most amazing child on this earth".

Edited September 30, 2010 by newlife2010

[mybrowneyedgirl]

well, because i guess it wasnt until after i already loved that sweet child that i knew he belonged to xmm. i saw a heartbeat, was in love, then later learned the dates werent what i believed them to be. by that time it was too late for me to have a second thought, it didnt matter to me, he was my heart.

 

i guess i should add another reason to the list for not forcing a disclosure. earlier this year when given the chance to be with xMM i didnt take it. this was the hardest thing ive ever done but something inside just wouldnt let me do it. and now, sometimes i wish i had because who knows where i would be now. BUT....ive never wanted him to think that i would bring up paternity issues as it relates to our past relationship. so i also chose to keep quiet about it until they figured out their lives.

 

if they divorced, i thought it would be safe to put it out in the open without having a child influence their decision and also without having to worry about her raising my child and forcing him to take visitation.

 

now...the whole thing is just weighing heavy on my heart.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

sorry for so many posts. and again, im sorry for not sharing this before. in the beginning i was very fearful of someone reading this and figuring it out and this "secret" being exposed. now its not secret anymore and the words are flowing from my mouth.

 

this whole issue added a huge layer of hurt and betrayal and also a huge reason for me not being able to move on. i guess i might not ever. theyre the spitting image of each other. it might be worse tho if i had to share a child with a man who doesnt want him, and his wife. just not sure i could deal with that. hes my baby, ive loved him and wanted him. he was given the opportunity and turned it down

[Fieldsofgold]

I commend you for giving the gift of life to your child. My husband and I were married when I conceived and gave birth to our child. He left a short time later and he and his OW whom he immediately married, tried for custody! They lost, and after that, even though he paid child support, he exercised visitation for about a year, then fizzled out - but still had to pay child support. So it can happen to anyone, regardless of the circumstances surrounding the child's birth!

 

(BTW, my daughter is grown now, a lovely and successful young woman.)

 

I say all that, because there's a fair chance that even if he and his wife decide to exercise their every other weekend option, there is a good possibility it won't last for long. And let me assure you, no one will be able to turn your child's heart away from you. (that used to be my greatest fear) You are his mother, and no one can take that away from him and you.

 

I think for your child, you should get child support, and don't back down to his veiled threats.

 

Btw, I think you did the right thing not taking him when he was "available." I could see him waffling between the two of you. If hebhad left and stayed gone - that would be a different thing. But I think the fact that he went back is a very good indication you saved yourself a ton of grief now.

[fooled once]

Those 2 paragraphs make me question why you really want MM to be in your child's life.

Because when it comes to your stbx, you seem ok with him not seeing the children - you call it his choice, I realize that one of the kids is MM's child, but is the other kid not stbx's? I'm just wondering.

 

Because if you're saying "its his choice" if he doesn't spend as much time with the kids as you like, but then you're singing a different tune about having a father figure when it comes to MM being in your child's life, then that really makes me wonder if you're just thinking that because deep down you just want xMM back in YOUR life.

 

I truly am sorry for your situation, but I also agree with WomanInBlue about xMM not telling his wife about your child. I think he set the whole thing up to scare you when he told you that him and his w would be "raising" (the word you used) your kid when xMM gets visitation.

 

I really think he said it that way, hoping that you wouldn't want her to be involved in your child's life. Also, if xMM isn't stepping up to do his part for your child, why would he go and cause himself so much trouble with his W by revealing the A and that he made a child with the OW? - not likely.

 

As far as the child support goes - I also agree that you should get what your child is entitled to. Save it for him (if you don't need it now).

 

xMM obviously doesn't want to be a part of your child's life, and that is truly sad

But you can't force someone to be a father and care about his kid.

 

Maybe if you serve him papers and ask for child support - the truth will come out to the W and then xMM will actually step up once W leaves him. But if that doesn't happen, you still have to do what's best for your child and you really have to question your real motives for why you want xMM in your child's life.

 

Good luck to you

 

Totally agree with you!!!

 

I also wonder --- when did MBEG's stbxh found out the baby wasn't his. Did it come out DURING the marriage or only after?

 

Why is it okay for the father of the other child (the older one) to NOT be spending time with or having a father figure in his life; but it isn't okay for the younger one?

 

well, because i guess it wasnt until after i already loved that sweet child that i knew he belonged to xmm. i saw a heartbeat, was in love, then later learned the dates werent what i believed them to be. by that time it was too late for me to have a second thought, it didnt matter to me, he was my heart.

 

i guess i should add another reason to the list for not forcing a disclosure. earlier this year when given the chance to be with xMM i didnt take it. this was the hardest thing ive ever done but something inside just wouldnt let me do it. and now, sometimes i wish i had because who knows where i would be now. BUT....ive never wanted him to think that i would bring up paternity issues as it relates to our past relationship. so i also chose to keep quiet about it until they figured out their lives.

 

if they divorced, i thought it would be safe to put it out in the open without having a child influence their decision and also without having to worry about her raising my child and forcing him to take visitation.

 

now...the whole thing is just weighing heavy on my heart.

 

Are you kidding MBEG? You have no problems being 2nd choice? I firmly believe even IF you had gotten with him when he moved out/got kicked out -- do you think he would still be with you? He didn't HAVE to go back to his wife. He CHOSE to go back to his wife? Unless he is one of those needy/immature men who can't be without a woman.

 

Is your stbex paying child support? Is he paying for BOTH children? Many times, the husband of the woman will be the one who is financially responsible for ANY children conceived during the marriage, even though he isn't the father. There was a huge case not that long ago about this.

 

Also - visitation and child support are 2 separate things. Just because a man pays child support doesn't mean he will take visitation. And many times men who do not pay child support are granted visitation.

 

It isn't any wonder your H can't get over the affair - bad enough you chose to betray him, but you also got pregnant and had another man's child - possibly even chose to not tell your H that the baby wasn't his and he was led to believe it was his son.

 

MBEG - are you still in counseling? It is almost as if you are obsessive about the MM. There is a reason things didn't work out. No matter how much you want and try to get him to be in your life and now be a 'father' to your youngest son (which again begs the question, who is being a 'father' figure to your older son)?

 

Until you are happy, then things are going to continue to be in chaos. There are MANY MANY single mom's out there who don't get c/s and who are piss poor. But they make it work. They are fighters.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually, the issue of my older son is a much much bigger one than the younger. except in this circumstance i am so angry about it i cant speak much of it.

 

my stbxh isnt paying squat, isnt seeing his child, isnt helping at all and because of this i am having trouble working enough hours to make ends meet. my older son is heartbroken, sad, cries daily. and this deadbeat hurts him continuously. trust me, this issue is on the forefront. just not the place to discuss it on the ow board.

 

the younger child/issues with my H/paternity all came up at the same time so there wasnt any hiding it from him. stbx knows, i never tried to pass off anything. he does see them both though, but i guess only because i could count on 1 hand the number of times hes been here over the last year and due to his issues its only when im around too.

 

but...my older child had the benefits of an intact home, and very wonderful father figure (as my stbx used to be). this has positives and negatives. the positive is that there is a strong foundation, negative is it hurts twice as much when he knows whats now missing.

 

the younger child just exhibits signs of lacking a father figure in general and this is very hard to swallow.

 

i am a single mom. i do fight like hell. i carry a lot of baggage and am just struggling with making smart decisions from here on out instead of the poor ones ive made in the past.

[tami-chan]

" ........as for people questioning why i decided to have another man's baby...i cant give many details, but i have never had a single second thought about this. it wasnt an option for me......."

 

Well I think it is really confusing , why you didn't have a single second thought before having xMM's child ?

 

I think there are always various options available to avoid unwanted pregnency at any reasonable stage .

 

What is the point of asking her what her reasons were for keeping the child? Would it matter? Would it help her dilemma with the child now? Just wondering what you want to do with whatever answer you will get from MBEG?

 

MBEG, personally, I will not pursue xMM for child support. If a man is not willing to support his own flesh and blood well, that is on him. In the meantime, make your child understand that while his father is a deadbeat dad, he(your son) is a a separate individual, whose life and life choices do not have to be like his father's.

 

"hugs"...at some point you will hit rock bottom and you must not give up because there is really no other way but up.... take care!

[Samantha0905]

I couldn't begin to feel love for a man who denies his own son. Pity maybe. Disgust.

 

I have two grown children and if my husband said he didn't want to be in their lives, well buh bye. He wouldn't be a blip on my radar. Could I forgive him later if he came back and asked for forgiveness after taking much action to remedy the err of his ways? Possibly. If they did.

 

XMM should pay child support and if I were you, the only contact I would have with a man who denies his son the love he deserves is receiving the check. He absolutely should pay his financial responsibility for the raising of his son.

 

Woman In Blue -- I don't think talking about a child's existence in terms of "ugliness" is worth considering. MBEG's child may have a very fulfilled and happy life. My mother's father never acknowledged her and she was a very happy person. When he passed away she did not attend his funeral. She asked, "Why would I? I didn't know him. I don't feel anger towards him, but he has nothing to do with me." To me, that is a sad testament of the life of a man who shirked his duties. Imagine the blessings he could have received had he not been so selfish and loved his child. What a missed opportunity for him.

[Silly_Girl]

I couldn't begin to feel love for a man who denies his own son. Pity maybe. Disgust.

 

I have two grown children and if my husband said he didn't want to be in their lives, well buh bye. He wouldn't be a blip on my radar. Could I forgive him later if he came back and asked for forgiveness after taking much action to remedy the err of his ways? Possibly. If they did.

 

XMM should pay child support and if I were you, the only contact I would have with a man who denies his son the love he deserves is receiving the check. He absolutely should pay his financial responsibility for the raising of his son.

 

Woman In Blue -- I don't think talking about a child's existence in terms of "ugliness" is worth considering. MBEG's child may have a very fulfilled and happy life. My mother's father never acknowledged her and she was a very happy person. When he passed away she did not attend his funeral. She asked, "Why would I? I didn't know him. I don't feel anger towards him, but he has nothing to do with me." To me, that is a sad testament of the life of a man who shirked his duties. Imagine the blessings he could have received had he not been so selfish and loved his child. What a missed opportunity for him.

 

My real father gave me up so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Allowed me to be adopted by another man. The man I call Dad.

 

We met up a handful of times over the years, because we lived in the same town. We spent more time together in the 3 months he was in the hospice than the prior 30+ years. He died of cancer at 52 years old, I was with him when he passed. His biggest regret in life was letting me go.

 

All through growing up I told myself it was HIS loss. It has taken serious thought, and time, for me to recognise it was also MY loss.

 

I think parents have to tread carefully, and I will be honest and say my mother thought she was doing without a doubt the very best by me when she made the decisions she made; but I am sad about her choices.

[Samantha0905]

My real father gave me up so he wouldn't have to pay child support. Allowed me to be adopted by another man. The man I call Dad.

 

We met up a handful of times over the years, because we lived in the same town. We spent more time together in the 3 months he was in the hospice than the prior 30+ years. He died of cancer at 52 years old, I was with him when he passed. His biggest regret in life was letting me go.

 

All through growing up I told myself it was HIS loss. It has taken serious thought, and time, for me to recognise it was also MY loss.

 

I think parents have to tread carefully, and I will be honest and say my mother thought she was doing without a doubt the very best by me when she made the decisions she made; but I am sad about her choices.

 

I'm sorry about that for you. I don't mean it has zero effect, but I do think the person who misses out and hurts themselves the most is the one who denies their child.

 

I can imagine you are saddened by the choices made by both of your parents. A person can't change the past though (or make it completely go away), but they can move forward with the decision to be happy. My point to Woman In Blue is the child's life is not defined by ugliness. Although, obviously, my mother would have preferred a happy life which included a loving father -- she didn't have that as a possibility -- and she overcame it and was a very happy person.

[bestplayer]

What is the point of asking her what her reasons were for keeping the child? Would it matter? Would it help her dilemma with the child now? Just wondering what you want to do with whatever answer you will get from MBEG?

 

MBEG, personally, I will not pursue xMM for child support. If a man is not willing to support his own flesh and blood well, that is on him. In the meantime, make your child understand that while his father is a deadbeat dad, he(your son) is a a separate individual, whose life and life choices do not have to be like his father's.

 

"hugs"...at some point you will hit rock bottom and you must not give up because there is really no other way but up.... take care!

 

Well actually I asked this because as usual I find OP not even slightly bothered about her ex-H's feelings , when she had xMM's child while being married to her H . Honestly that is enough for messing & ruining her ex-h life for ever .

Yet all op can think about is how xMM hurt her , didn't choose her & how her xH is not being a wonderful father to his kids as before .

 

I wish op could now start thinking about others too .