a year later and a twist...

[U2RockZz]

you are not asking money for charity or social service.... that kid can survive with or without father(as many have been ,with immature, impractical parents who doesn't have brains to use a condom or something)....but he needs the money for everything he does or doesn't.....

 

it doesn't really baffle me that your exH finding it really hard to meet his kid and your kid.....anyways why not handover the custody to your exH(his son)

[newlife2010]

Well actually I asked this because as usual I find OP not even slightly bothered about her ex-H's feelings , when she had xMM's child while being married to her H . Honestly that is enough for messing & ruining her ex-h life for ever .

Yet all op can think about is how xMM hurt her , didn't choose her & how her xH is not being a wonderful father to his kids as before .

 

I wish op could now start thinking about others too .

 

Well, her ex-H sounds like a complete prick, which could be why she isn't slightly bothered about his feelings. Maybe he brought some of this on to himself too. Things aren't always as black and white as you would like them to be.

 

Maybe all OP can think about is how xMM hurt her, didn't choose her, and how her ex-husband is a selfish jerk, because that's all true. Who else do you want OP to be thinking about at this point?

[twinsmom]

im still in love, still beside myself and still dont know what to do.

 

 

please dont be harsh as im down on my knees as i write this. beg.

 

This is what I'm worried about. She loves this dirtbag no matter what he has done to her. BUT, I'm concerned about her. In her last post she sounds so distraught. On her knees? Good Lord, she is so enamored with this guy that he has her on her knees wanting him. BEG, think!! Do you really want someone who puts you down on your knees from wanting him? Do you want someone who makes you fall to your knees and "beg"? That's what you're doing.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

i do think of my stbx and often. hes made some poor choices in his life. those choices have lead to us being financially distraught. he has no job, our house is not selling and so im paying everything. while he lives it up and apparently is hooked on drugs and gambling. im saddened by this because i actually loved this man, this amazing husband and father and i truly miss him and the life we had. i found out a few weeks ago that he was apparently using drugs while living in our home for years and i had no idea. this perfect man and father, successful, what some would describe as wealthy, holding an excellent job. i had no idea, none. so now i dont know what to think. im sad, hurt, and feel this overwhelming saddness for him and what hes become. how his life is now and that i am powerless to do anything to help him. i think of him daily and how things used to be before both of us made choices that got us so off track. but his using/being absent/ have made it easier to harbor anomosity towards him. i struggle every day to make ends meet, fight for my children, keep it together all alone while he does nothing. i hear my child cry and beg for him, i in turn cry and beg for him to take his visitation and then find myself being the only one to comfort our son and try to explain why daddy wont even call him on the phone.

 

as far as xmm, yes i do have tons of feelings. my brain says i should hate him, despise him, kick the very thought of him out of my life forever. im an educated woman, i do know better. but for some crazy reason my heart doesnt follow. i have been unable to let go. my thoughts are with him every day.

 

i do go to IC, but theres so many issues now that its hard to tell why im not able to let go. i think a big part may be this paternity issue, which ive supressed for so long. maybe everything else is so wrong that im focusing on this. who knows. i sure dont.

 

as far as being on me knees. i cant even put this into words. a year of pure hell. no other way to describe it. and now im spent. no fight, no drive, no way to get out of this. just trying to work through all of the pieces little by little. and hoping one day things might stop getting worse...

 

so maybe i do think only of myself. its hard not to when you have no choice but to keep going but dont have the strength to. i want to give up but have two kids to take care of. so i cant even give up if i wanted to. i cant really think of everyones feelings when im busy being mom/dad/husband/wife and soul fincancial contributer. all while having a terrible broken heart and the weight of a very big decision on my shoulders regarding this baby.

[whichwayisup]

Hey B! Somehow (and I hope you consider counseling again) you need to get this exMM out of your blood. He's toxic for you!

 

Focus on your kids, and allow yourself to truly grieve so you can begin the healing process. Everything else will fall into place as it should - In time.

[jennie-jennie]

MBEG, you need to talk to your exMM. You need to either by email or in person sit him down and tell him exactly where you are at.

 

You need to do the administrative work of putting him as a father for your child. It is every child's right to have a father listed. What happens after that with visitation rights and so on is out of your hands.

 

On top of that you need to tell your exMM your feelings for him. I presume you once had a relationship were you were so intimate you told each other your innermost feelings? You need to trust him now and tell him where you are at.

 

Perhaps he only went back to his wife because he had given up on you. He waited for you a long time and you did not reply to his emails. I see nothing strange in him going back to his wife if he thought you didn't want him.

 

Let him know the facts, both about the child and about your emotions for him. Give him a chance to tell how he feels. Sit down as mature adults and try to find a way forward, whether it is separate or together. You are parents of a wonderful child and need to be able to talk to each other.

 

Your mistake was taking being thrown under the bus personally. It is just par for the course of Dday. You still love this man. Perhaps it is time to give that love a chance.

[anne1707]

Your mistake was taking being thrown under the bus personally. It is just par for the course of Dday. You still love this man. Perhaps it is time to give that love a chance.

 

Jennie

 

How was it HER mistake? She did not throw herself under the bus, the ex-MM did it to her. Plus what has he really done over the past year that shows he loves her - sweet FA comes to mind so why should she continue to put herself at his mercy?

[jennie-jennie]

Jennie

 

How was it HER mistake? She did not throw herself under the bus, the ex-MM did it to her. Plus what has he really done over the past year that shows he loves her - sweet FA comes to mind so why should she continue to put herself at his mercy?

 

As I said, her mistake was taking the knee-jerk MM action of throwing her under the bus personally. It had nothing to do with her. It was her MM trying to save his marriage, continuing the lies to his wife through denying and minimizing MBEG's importance in his life. Unfortunately she made the common mistake of taking that personally.

 

I am not saying that she should put herself at his mercy. I am saying that they should have an adult honest conversation. They have a 3 year long relationship behind them, they now have a child together, they need to be able to speak with each other.

[anne1707]

As I said, her mistake was taking the knee-jerk MM action of throwing her under the bus personally. It had nothing to do with her. It was her MM trying to save his marriage, continuing the lies to his wife through denying and minimizing MBEG's importance in his life. Unfortunately she made the common mistake of taking that personally.

 

I am not saying that she should put herself at his mercy. I am saying that they should have an adult honest conversation. They have a 3 year long relationship behind them, they now have a child together, they need to be able to speak with each other.

 

 

Ah with you now - misunderstanding on my part. Though how could she not take it personally when she was so hurt and felt so betrayed...

 

I think approaching him like that would be putting herself at his mercy. His attitude towards her seemed bad enough before this revelation about the child. As for now - it's appalling. I would not want a man like that.

[Hazyhead]

mbeg, I'm sorry that you're hurting right now. You seem full of regret for not taking xMM up on his offer a few months back. If you think back though, something held you back from doing so... that little voice in your head, or gut instinct, or whatever. You understandably wanted xMM to fight for you,to prove he loved you and he didn't; he went back to, maybe, what was easier. I think you handled yourself with dignity back then, not pandering to him, and showed him the strength you have. Whatever is in store for you guys, you have your beautiful children to take comfort in and draw happiness from. At this point in time this MM seems to be only looking out for himself and, quite franky, you are best without that in your life.

[jennie-jennie]

Ah with you now - misunderstanding on my part. Though how could she not take it personally when she was so hurt and felt so betrayed...

 

I think approaching him like that would be putting herself at his mercy. His attitude towards her seemed bad enough before this revelation about the child. As for now - it's appalling. I would not want a man like that.

 

If I am not mistaken, the exMM does not know the child is his. Perhaps he would man up if he knew?

[anne1707]

If I am not mistaken, the exMM does not know the child is his. Perhaps he would man up if he knew?

 

He should want to be with MBEG because of her, not the child

[Summer Breeze]

He should want to be with MBEG because of her, not the child

 

He did want to be with her and she said no. I think what JJ is getting at is the whole situation is full of people making assumptions, lies, and deception. All what many As are made of to be sure but if she loves him and there is a child in the balance and he wanted to be with her recently. Why not put yourself out there and put the cards on the table. Take all of the mistakes that have been made and all of the hurt and lay it in front of them and see if there is anything there.

 

If there was ever a time it is now. A child is there and if it accomplishes nothing more than acknowledgement and more comfort financially for him then why not?

[bestplayer]

Well, her ex-H sounds like a complete prick, which could be why she isn't slightly bothered about his feelings. Maybe he brought some of this on to himself too. Things aren't always as black and white as you would like them to be.

 

Maybe all OP can think about is how xMM hurt her, didn't choose her, and how her ex-husband is a selfish jerk, because that's all true. Who else do you want OP to be thinking about at this point?

 

newlife2010 , you definately haven't read any of her previous posts when her affair was going on so your comments are really ridiculous . OP has several times shared the facts that her H was wonderful husband & a good father for years until he found out how his partner betrayed him & humiliated him by having xMM's child while being married to him .

 

Now If op's H is acting crazy & destroying his life it is only because of how disrespectfully he was treated by his wife . Yet you think he is a selfish jerk ?

Edited October 2, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[bestplayer]

i do think of my stbx and often. hes made some poor choices in his life. those choices have lead to us being financially distraught. he has no job, our house is not selling and so im paying everything. while he lives it up and apparently is hooked on drugs and gambling. im saddened by this because i actually loved this man, this amazing husband and father and i truly miss him and the life we had. i found out a few weeks ago that he was apparently using drugs while living in our home for years and i had no idea. this perfect man and father, successful, what some would describe as wealthy, holding an excellent job. i had no idea, none. so now i dont know what to think. im sad, hurt, and feel this overwhelming saddness for him and what hes become. how his life is now and that i am powerless to do anything to help him. i think of him daily and how things used to be before both of us made choices that got us so off track. but his using/being absent/ have made it easier to harbor anomosity towards him. i struggle every day to make ends meet, fight for my children, keep it together all alone while he does nothing. i hear my child cry and beg for him, i in turn cry and beg for him to take his visitation and then find myself being the only one to comfort our son and try to explain why daddy wont even call him on the phone.

 

as far as xmm, yes i do have tons of feelings. my brain says i should hate him, despise him, kick the very thought of him out of my life forever. im an educated woman, i do know better. but for some crazy reason my heart doesnt follow. i have been unable to let go. my thoughts are with him every day.

 

i do go to IC, but theres so many issues now that its hard to tell why im not able to let go. i think a big part may be this paternity issue, which ive supressed for so long. maybe everything else is so wrong that im focusing on this. who knows. i sure dont.

 

as far as being on me knees. i cant even put this into words. a year of pure hell. no other way to describe it. and now im spent. no fight, no drive, no way to get out of this. just trying to work through all of the pieces little by little. and hoping one day things might stop getting worse...

 

so maybe i do think only of myself. its hard not to when you have no choice but to keep going but dont have the strength to. i want to give up but have two kids to take care of. so i cant even give up if i wanted to. i cant really think of everyones feelings when im busy being mom/dad/husband/wife and soul fincancial contributer. all while having a terrible broken heart and the weight of a very big decision on my shoulders regarding this baby.

 

Mbeg , I really hope you will get through this , pls dont give up.

 

Best of luck

[jthorne]

newlife2010 , you definately haven't read any of her previous posts when her affair was going on so your comments are really ridiculous . OP has several times shared the facts that her H was wonderful husband & a good father for years until he found out how his partner betrayed him & humiliated him by having xMM's child while being married to him.

 

Now If op's H is acting crazy & destroying his life it is only because of how disrespectfully he was treated by his wife. Yet you think he is a selfish jerk ?

I was hoping someone would bring this up. All the bashing of the BS, and no mention of what he went through during the affair. I think his reaction is quite understandable. It doesn't mean that he will always be this way, but affairs destroy people, that's a fact. I wish he'd be cut a little more slack. Wasn't he the one taking care of the kids (one that wasn't his) when MBEG was bedridden with grief after being thrown under the bus by her MM? This man has been through hell. Some people deal with trauma by destructive behavior. This man, to me, needs help, not scorn. IMO, this guy is redeemable, xMM is not. Nothing I've read about this man tell me he is worth a second thought. He threw MBEG under the bus at dday when he could have manned up if he really had such strong feelings for MBEG. If you love someone, you don't throw them under the bus. Obviously, his marriage was more important than his love for his mistress. I can't remember if he left on his own, or was thrown out by his BS. If I remember correctly, it was not his choice to leave. Again, MBEG (and their child) was second choice. Then, he goes back to his wife, and throws BOTH MBEG and his son under the bus by saying he wants nothing to do with his child.

 

Can someone please explain to me what's lovable about any of that? I wouldn't give the time of day to a man who put vanity in front if his own flesh and blood. So he doesn't want the child. Nothing says he won't later on. And like I said in Noelle's thread, in most states (Sorry, MBEG, I can't remember if you're in the States.) a father will be required to pay back support if he wants access to his child. And again, the threats don't make sense. It's a scare tactic. Who would seek visitation of a child they don't want? And so what if they seek visitation. He is the child's father! Didn't MBEG say the child needed a father figure? Ok, so it's not her ideal solution, what is?

 

MBEG, what is your dream solution? That he leave his wife, marry you and live happily ever after? We can pretty much see that isn't going to happen now. So put your feeling about xMM aside. That child is the most important thing here.

 

You have to do what's best for that child. If that means trading visitation for child support, do it. Your prior relationship doesn't mean zip to that kid's future. Your affair is not going to put your son through college.

 

Your child's future comes first.

[anne1707]

Well said jthorne

 

It frustrates me that some will still attempt to romanticise MBEG's relationship with the ex-MM as if the ex-MM loves her just as much as she loves him. He has done absolutely nothing to suggest anything like that - he is all about himself.

[jthorne]

Well said jthorne

 

It frustrates me that some will still attempt to romanticise MBEG's relationship with the ex-MM as if the ex-MM loves her just as much as she loves him. He has done absolutely nothing to suggest anything like that - he is all about himself.

Well, I wasn't trying to be mean, but it says a lot about a man that would throw his own kid under the bus.

[Summer Breeze]

Well said jthorne

 

It frustrates me that some will still attempt to romanticise MBEG's relationship with the ex-MM as if the ex-MM loves her just as much as she loves him. He has done absolutely nothing to suggest anything like that - he is all about himself.

 

Not sure if this is aimed at me or not but let me clarify something-I'm not trying to romanticize it. I laid out the facts and I think the simplest way to the simplest end is to sit down and hash it out. No matter what logic says she loves him. No matter how betrayed or hurt she is she loves him. Until she can get past that she'll struggle. Part of the problem of breaking up (if you are the dumped) is that you hope. They'll see they made a mistake, they'll be lonely tonight, they'll realize they can't live without me. That's any breakup not just with a married person. Long story short is that she won't even begin to heal till all hope is put aside. Right now she has many questions and enough has happened that it's not unrealistic to think she can sit down and talk to him and see what's there. If it's nothing and he says it to her face then she has her answer. She may not choose to accept it but that's her call. Right now she's wondering about having done the right thing about several things she can address now.

 

Why not have a time to talk it out. He may refuse and that's an answer itself.

[anne1707]

Not sure if this is aimed at me or not

 

No. Not specifically aimed at anyone.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...but the problem is, is that she cannot accept it.

She had many chances to do right by her family, do right by her first child, do right by herself.

 

And yet she has constantly went he other way and went straight back into the affair. The choice was always her. And right now with the reality of having two kids by two different men, and being divorced and not the bio father or the affair partner paying child support she refuses to accept reality! Unbelievable. When does one realize they are in a prison of their own making?

[jennie-jennie]

He should want to be with MBEG because of her, not the child

 

Of course. I was talking about taking responsibility for the child.

[jennie-jennie]

i do think of my stbx and often. hes made some poor choices in his life. those choices have lead to us being financially distraught. he has no job, our house is not selling and so im paying everything. while he lives it up and apparently is hooked on drugs and gambling. im saddened by this because i actually loved this man, this amazing husband and father and i truly miss him and the life we had. i found out a few weeks ago that he was apparently using drugs while living in our home for years and i had no idea. this perfect man and father, successful, what some would describe as wealthy, holding an excellent job. i had no idea, none. so now i dont know what to think. im sad, hurt, and feel this overwhelming saddness for him and what hes become. how his life is now and that i am powerless to do anything to help him. i think of him daily and how things used to be before both of us made choices that got us so off track. but his using/being absent/ have made it easier to harbor anomosity towards him. i struggle every day to make ends meet, fight for my children, keep it together all alone while he does nothing. i hear my child cry and beg for him, i in turn cry and beg for him to take his visitation and then find myself being the only one to comfort our son and try to explain why daddy wont even call him on the phone.

 

I presume I am not the only one who read the above post. MBEG's exH has apparently had an issue with drug abuse since before the affair started.

 

MBEG is admitting they both made poor choices. She is taking responsibility now for the children and the finances, whereas her exH is not.

 

Her exH is no poor victim in all of this. He has contributed with his part of the problems.

[jennie-jennie]

He did want to be with her and she said no. I think what JJ is getting at is the whole situation is full of people making assumptions, lies, and deception. All what many As are made of to be sure but if she loves him and there is a child in the balance and he wanted to be with her recently. Why not put yourself out there and put the cards on the table. Take all of the mistakes that have been made and all of the hurt and lay it in front of them and see if there is anything there.

 

If there was ever a time it is now. A child is there and if it accomplishes nothing more than acknowledgement and more comfort financially for him then why not?

 

This is exactly what I was trying to say.

[U2RockZz]

I presume I am not the only one who read the above post. MBEG's exH has apparently had an issue with drug abuse since before the affair started.

 

MBEG is admitting they both made poor choices. She is taking responsibility now for the children and the finances, whereas her exH is not.

 

Her exH is no poor victim in all of this. He has contributed with his part of the problems.

 

 

i don't think it will boost your confidence when your wife is having a baby right under your nose fully knowing it's not your's .....

 

drug abuse.....where did you get that.....from her previous posts she never mentioned about OM's child or drugs or financial.....and her exH left the house more than a year ago.....anyways why does she care .....whether he is doing drugs or gambling or banging cheer leaders.....she didn't give a f*** about him when he was there with her....so why now....

 

"He has contributed with his part of the problems".....again where did you get this....has he asked her have an affair or conceive OM's child ....apart from that each and every issue she mentioned can be easily surpassed with little effort

 

if you want to support MBEG for what she did.... fine...but be logical....MBEG is here cuz of her own doing nothing else.......her exH really deserves an award for being her H for so long