a year later and a twist...

[mybrowneyedgirl]

ok...just to clarify.

 

my H was a good husband and father. our marriage from my perspective was a good one. a series of things happened around the same time. the affair, some changes in him etc. it was only recently that people who knew things had been going on on his end for a long time finally fessed up to me. i was shocked, saddened in disbelief. but now, looking back things are starting to add up. you know when you have that "ah-ha" kind of moment. things make sense now. i think my marriage wasnt what i may have thought and he wasnt that great guy...

 

he was emotionally and physically abusive after dday. according to him he is dealing with some "mental issues" that started long before dday. (again i really didnt know about this either)

 

where is he getting the money? well wouldnt I like to know. Trust me. This is one issue where I'm FURIOUS! living his life, but the court documents show he doesnt have to pay me squat. he has very very wealthy parents. he also drained our savings before we were separated and im having a hard time getting any of it back. so hes got cash.

 

the issue of paternity came up while i was pregnant. there were many questions / discussions and flip flops. he was tested at a couple of months old.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Wow fooled. so for the rest of my life should i wear the big scarlet letter and endure whatever heartache comes my way since i deserve it. when, in your eyes does the punishment end? when is enough enough for what i've done?

 

the xmm knows the baby is his. the only thing he doesnt know is that there is legally documented proof. thats it. according to him he only wanted to know if i chose to reveal it and act on it. im choosing not to act on it at this point. so really im doing what he asks.

[U2RockZz]

"he was emotionally and physically abusive after dday"

 

you never said he was physically abusive until this post......all of a sudden you seem to remember lot of things...child being not his....your exH is a monster.....is it coincidental or you are out of ammunition to defend your choices....

 

 

 

"where is he getting the money? well wouldnt I like to know. Trust me. This is one issue where I'm FURIOUS! living his life, but the court documents show he doesnt have to pay me squat. he has very very wealthy parents. he also drained our savings before we were separated and im having a hard time getting any of it back. so hes got cash"

 

anyways why do you care now.....you didn't seem to care about him while he was with you(or when he was taking care of his kid and your kid while you are pining for OM )... he left you a year back....now he is doing the things on his terms what's your problem......he gambles or bangs a stripper....it shouldn't really bother you.......and draining savings account, leaving a job is universal practice when you wanted to get rid of cheater.....you should have known it....just accept the damn thing that it's all your doing and your choices led you here....and move on

Edited October 3, 2010 by U2RockZz

[mybrowneyedgirl]

actually, you are quite wrong. there was mention of these things previously. im not trying to use anything as amunition.

 

what he does now, yes it matters to me. 1. because i care about him, no matter what you might think we do have a long history and as a person i want him to be ok and i want him not to throw his life away. just like i would care for any other person on this earth, it saddens me to see him at a place like this.

 

2. for our son. because, my son's well being depends on his father being there in his life not only emotionally but financially. we dont have enough money to get by, i think about things like a roof over our head or food. or him one day going to college. with a dad who is throwing his money away and not working it directly impacts my child. so yes, it is my business.

 

if hes living his life in a dangerous way then i cant be comfortable with him caring for his son one day if he chooses to. i certainly would let some drug addicted person be responsible for the care of my child.

[JAGeezer]

mbeg: I could jump up and down and get red in the face until the cows come home, and it could make no difference at all. Had we known the paternity of your second child back at the beginning it would have saved everyone a lot on trouble giving you useless advice on saving your marriage. Your chances were next to zero right from the get go. We all could have helped you move to the endgame a lot sooner.

 

All that is beside the point. We're past the whole "you did him wrong" thing and into the "what do I do now" thing. It's time to prioritize. The. Kids. Come. First. Anything that doesn't serve that end needs to be jettisoned. That includes mooning over your xAP, and any and all pride you may have.

 

I may be zero tolerance on cheating, but I'm less than zero tolerance on deadbeat fathers.

 

If I recall right you live in Georgia. If your stbxH didn't challenge paternity within a fixed amount of time when the youngest child was born OR the xMM doesn't make a bid at proving his own paternity, then in the eyes of the law your stbxH is the defacto biological father until the end of time. As bad as I feel for what you did to the man, he's now a deadbeat father. He's hurting his children. There's a special hell for people like. You have my blessing to squeeze him, and/or the xMM, until their nuts crack. The courts will agree with you. They don't care where the money comes from, as long as child-support is paid. I don't know what you stbx thinks he's getting away with. Those missed payments will have to be made up somehow.

 

General Comment: Regarding all the debate about mbeg's stbxH, she's been trickle-truthing about this whole mess from the very beginning. Her story changed details from week to week. Look at her latest revelation about her youngest child's paternity. I find the fact that these mysterious people are suddenly coming out of the woodwork the "reveal" her stbxH's perfidy to be wonderfully convenient for somebody's moral high-ground. So let's just stick a pin in that whole debate, because we don't know what amazing new "facts" will come along next to change it. I don't especially like the fact that my BIL hasn't been sober for more than 24 hours at a stretch since my SIL took off with her "on again after 13 years" lover. A man should be stronger than that. But I understand the why of it.

 

The only genuine "fact" that we have is that he's apparently not taking care of his kids. That's more that enough right there for me to want to kick his ass and tell him to suck it up.

 

JAG

[awkward]

actually, you are quite wrong. there was mention of these things previously. im not trying to use anything as amunition.

 

Hi mbeg. I am wondering if you posted the pregnancy story here on LS under the username "overmyhead". (I had to go back and find the story I was thinking of but something you said today reminded me of her story.) I don't recall reading anything about your pregnancy under MBEG but do recall you mentioning abuse on this forum once you decided to divorce.

 

I'm sorry to hear that things are hard for you right now. I hope your situation improves soon. You are much stronger than you were while you were still in the affair/marriage. I don't know how to advise you as to your son and XMM because it is such a complicated situation. I will say that you can't make him be a dad. Guard your heart.

[whichwayisup]

This is why I strongly urge Mbeg to get back into counseling. LS can help, but the pain involved and the fallout is huge, that's alot to deal with. A trained therapist who can be completely objective to help her cope and heal so she can go on with her life, be happier and healthy all around.

[jennie-jennie]

Is it such a bad thing that she didn't see "problems" before? If she ultimately felt happy in her M before the A, did the A really enhance her life at all? Especially considering the ultimate heartbreak it has brought to her and so many others, I would think not.

 

Happiness is based on perception and if she perceived her M as good and happy, even if there was something better out there for her (the MOM being that something better is questionable to me at this point, but regardless), was it completely necessary for her to be aware of it?

 

Jennie can you really look at this situation, with broken hearts, broken marriages, a child who will probably never really know his father, another child who is now without his father due to the divorce, and say that it's all for the better? Can you honestly say MBEG needed to reach rock bottom? Can you honestly say that she needed to be aware of whatever "problems" existed in a marriage that she perceived as a happy one?

 

To me it sounds as a somewhat flippant answer on your part to a very serious matter. Real people are being hurt here. The answer does not lie in some new age love handbook that says it's all for the greater good.

 

Of course I can't answer those questions. Only MBEG can.

 

I was merely putting out my belief that an affair does not start in a vacuum. There is something missing even if the WS is not consciously aware of it. MBEG stating that there was more going on with her husband and her marriage than she had realized confirmed my belief. Understanding the past might take away some of the guilt for having the affair from her shoulders.

Edited October 3, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[mybrowneyedgirl]

jageezer...theres no strange people coming out of the woodwork to tell me details. i didnt reall discuss my marriage/divorce or affair with most people at all. i kept it close for a very long time even after we separated. now a year out im talking about it more. the "people" who have said this are friends and neighbors. people closest to me actually, who were harboring their own opinions the entire time. my husband was not at all abusive (and i feel silly using that word) at all during our M. however, after DD he was violent at times. almost to the point that i thought he could kille me (maybe rightfully so). these things were discussed at the moments they were happening.

 

as far as my child is concerned, i didnt disclose it for obvious reasons....at the time it could have been very damaging to all involved

 

awkward. i havent read those other posts but i'll go back and look at them...thanks for your kind words.

[jthorne]

Ok, look. Lies, no lies, abuse, no abuse- the blame game doesn't help either of these kids, who are the most important thing here.

 

Neither of these boys have emotional or financial support from their fathers. The court has already decided upon the financial support for one child. Financial support for the other hangs upon the threat of visitation.

 

Like I said previously, MBEG's love isn't going to put food on the table, or pay tuition to college.

 

So leaving all of the emotional baggage aside, what is the best thing for this child?

 

MBEG, are you really struggling that hard financially, or could you logistically do it on your own with some clever budgeting?

 

IMO, the financial aspect should be settled first. Love don't mean a thing if you don't have a roof over your head or food on the table.

Edited October 3, 2010 by jthorne

[newlife2010]

As someone who was in an abusive marriage to an alcoholic, I didn't run and have an affair. I chose divorce. I chose to be a survivor, not a victim. I do not and will never believe that because of abuse, cheating is acceptable. It isn't in my eyes.

 

It is within each of us to rise above the adversity in our lives and make our lives something we can be proud of. To do less is to accept less and to expect less.

 

I guess you are just a better person than me, then. I chose divorce ultimately, also, but for reasons which I won't get into here, it was not possible during that time.

 

I didn't "run" and have an affair. It was much more complicated than that. I have always agreed with what you are saying and have always been a strong person. Sometimes life is not black and white.

 

All I am asking is for people to stop judging others when they can't possibly know the entire situation. It is the initial point I made regarding MBEG. Unless you are in her shoes, living her life, YOU can't possibly know enough about what she is going through to judge her actions.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

jthorne, i think thats where i am right now.

 

i made choices/decisions based on the emotional aspects of the situation regarding paternity etc. i still think these are the best choices.

 

but, the financial situation is now so grim (stbx has yet to pay a dime and took off with most of the savings) that i in some way feel that i may not be making a sound decision for my son. things would be better if he had support. am i wrong for not pursuing this option, which is worse, the potential negative emotional fallout, or the struggle of not having enough to make ends meet.

 

i wouldnt care about visitation at all, in fact i think i would be beneficial. he has stated he doesnt want any visitation, but the wife would force it. so i think in this situation visitation could possibly be a bad thing. and....would open a whole new issue of everyone wondering where this new child came from.

 

as far as the lies vs no lies. i couldnt agree with you more. obviously i didnt come to this board immediately putting every single detail of my life out there. many on here do the same. and my situation has majorly evolved over a year. thats just the nature of the beast of an A. everyone has gone through a rollercoaster of emotions and various actions. as i talk more about things, i maybe feel more comfortable disclosing things. all of these things change on a daily basis. no intentional lying per se. although people love to pick out things from a year ago. yes i said different things....things were different then. no different from how people talk of the "affair fog" and not realizing how things were. seeing things in a different light. doesnt mean youre lying. just have a different view.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

jennie,

 

i really respect and understand most everything you say. i think it is actually a fresh perspective on things. not socially accepted on this board, but has much truth to it. thank you for being strong enough to put these thoughts out there. i appreciate it.

[jennie-jennie]

jthorne, i think thats where i am right now.

 

i made choices/decisions based on the emotional aspects of the situation regarding paternity etc. i still think these are the best choices.

 

but, the financial situation is now so grim (stbx has yet to pay a dime and took off with most of the savings) that i in some way feel that i may not be making a sound decision for my son. things would be better if he had support. am i wrong for not pursuing this option, which is worse, the potential negative emotional fallout, or the struggle of not having enough to make ends meet.

 

i wouldnt care about visitation at all, in fact i think i would be beneficial. he has stated he doesnt want any visitation, but the wife would force it. so i think in this situation visitation could possibly be a bad thing. and....would open a whole new issue of everyone wondering where this new child came from.

 

I don't understand how you can even think about not getting financial support for your child. Is this a cultural clash being I am not from the US?

 

Your child needs to have his true father listed on his birth certificate.

Your child has the right to financial support each month from his father.

Period.

 

The emotional fall out is something you will have to deal with after you have ensured the two above.

[jennie-jennie]

jennie,

 

i really respect and understand most everything you say. i think it is actually a fresh perspective on things. not socially accepted on this board, but has much truth to it. thank you for being strong enough to put these thoughts out there. i appreciate it.

 

MBEG, it makes me very happy to hear that.

 

That is what I hope to contribute with on the board, that there is more than one way to look at things. We need to use our own judgment, intelligence, and experiences, not just be bound by socially accepted morals.

[Samantha0905]

I was merely putting out my belief that an affair does not start in a vacuum. There is something missing even if the WS is not consciously aware of it. MBEG stating that there was more going on with her husband and her marriage than she had realized confirmed my belief. Understanding the past might take away some of the guilt for having the affair from her shoulders.

 

Nice post jennie.

[jthorne]

Have you spoken to his wife about your son? How do you know she would seek visitation? And really, what's so bad about her seeing him? I'm hesitant to believe she would, but even if she did, she's his wife. She must have some redeeming qualities. After all, she's willing to accept her H after he fathered a child with another woman. I'm not saying that to insult you, I'm just saying that she must care for him very much, and wouldn't harm his flesh and blood.

 

If you need the financial assistance for your son, I think you owe it to him to seek it. The circumstances surrounding his birth are not his fault. He shouldn't have to suffer because of it.

[desertIslandCactus]

I had a strong maternal streak and considered it a nightmare - for my children to be with the OW. I would have felt the same about sharing them with a BS or any other woman.

[awkward]

awkward. i havent read those other posts but i'll go back and look at them...thanks for your kind words.

 

Sorry I thought maybe you had posted the pregnancy story under a different username for fear of being discovered by the XMM but I now realize my error because I see that you posted in her thread with some good advice about the financial aspect of her situation.

 

I went back and read her story and it's the same situation. She too got a paternity test done but didn't reveal that she received the results to MM for fear of his wife having visitation with the child.

 

I think it might help you to read her threads again. I'll post the links below.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t217609/

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t218676/

 

Good luck MBeg. Your children have you and plenty of single women have raised well-adjusted, happy children.

[PhoenixRise]

I don't understand how you can even think about not getting financial support for your child. Is this a cultural clash being I am not from the US?

 

Your child needs to have his true father listed on his birth certificate.

Your child has the right to financial support each month from his father.

Period.

 

The emotional fall out is something you will have to deal with after you have ensured the two above.

 

 

I absolutely agree with this post.

 

I don't believe the BW would force visitation if MM DID NOT want visitation. I think MM said that to scare you into not legally declaring him the father.

 

You have made a lot of decisions from emotional place. Bottom line though, when your finances are as grim as you are describing your children are suffering. Your emotions need to take a backseat to practicalities.

 

MM needs to be declared the father. He needs to pay you regular child support so that his child can have his needs cared for and he can a measure of security. How you feel about him, how he feels about you, how the wife feels about it all doesn't amount to a hill of beans compared to the fact that this child is his child and has needs.

 

Your xhusband also needs to be paying regular support for his child. Yes he was devastated by the affair, but that child didn't stop being his child because you cheated.

 

I think you should have child support orders for them both and have them locked up if they don't pay.

 

AND

 

Yes, I am saying have your husband locked up for non payment of his current child support order.

 

AND

 

Yes I am saying have this MM that you love soooo much thrown into jail if he refuses to financially take care of his child

 

I am saying YOU need to step up and stop letting your emotions drive you and handle the necessary practicalities to create as much of a stable and secure home environment for both your children.

 

There is no way in hell I would allow love, guilt, passion, longing, depression, remorse, etc... keep me in a situation where my children are suffering and I know there is something I could do to change it.

 

Do what you have to to get the money your children need and deserve.

[awkward]

Sorry I thought maybe you had posted the pregnancy story under a different username for fear of being discovered by the XMM but I now realize my error because I see that you posted in her thread with some good advice about the financial aspect of her situation.

 

Scratch the above.

 

This is one of the strangest things I've ever seen on this forum. If you didn't post that story under that username, I would be concerned that someone you know IRL posted it mimicking your writing style. Did XMM know that you were posting here on LS?

 

Nevertheless, those threads have some good advice, including your own, that are pertinent to what you are still going through.

[fooled once]

 

where is he getting the money? well wouldnt I like to know. Trust me. This is one issue where I'm FURIOUS! living his life, but the court documents show he doesnt have to pay me squat. he has very very wealthy parents. he also drained our savings before we were separated and im having a hard time getting any of it back. so hes got cash.

 

the issue of paternity came up while i was pregnant. there were many questions / discussions and flip flops. he was tested at a couple of months old.

 

regarding what I bolded - WHY do the court documents state he doesn't have to pay child support? I have never heard of this, unless you have 50/50 custody. Do you guys have 50/50 custody? If this is what the court based child support on, go back to court and let them know he is NOT doing 50/50 custody.

 

Wow fooled. so for the rest of my life should i wear the big scarlet letter and endure whatever heartache comes my way since i deserve it. when, in your eyes does the punishment end? when is enough enough for what i've done?

 

the xmm knows the baby is his. the only thing he doesnt know is that there is legally documented proof. thats it. according to him he only wanted to know if i chose to reveal it and act on it. im choosing not to act on it at this point. so really im doing what he asks.

 

where do you get this from???? where did you get this?

 

You f'ed up. BIG TIME. You lied, you cheated and you had a child by another guy.

 

And today, you STILL pine away for this guy. YOU are cheating YOUR CHILDREN out of a mom by choosing to continue to be fixated on him. Your older son is your ex husband. You are not fixate on him the way you are the MM. Heck, at least your H supported you, loved you and did his best by you for the 4 years you had the affair. The MM? He dumped you and threw you under a bus. Yet you pine for him.

 

And YOU are choosing TO NOT GET SUPPORT (financial) from him because why? Because he doesn't want to pay it and YOU are once again choosing HIM....Open your eyes MBEG - choose your son and choose the financial responsibility HE OWES!!! Stop protecting him!!!!!!

 

 

2. for our son. because, my son's well being depends on his father being there in his life not only emotionally but financially. we dont have enough money to get by, i think about things like a roof over our head or food. or him one day going to college. with a dad who is throwing his money away and not working it directly impacts my child. so yes, it is my business.

 

actually, MANY single mom's have raised very healthy and happy children. To ASSUME that because NEITHER man is involved in these boys lives means they won't grow up emotionally healthy is a slap in the face to all the single mom's who raised children.

 

And FYI - the MM is NOT financially supporting HIS child let's not forget. Quit blaming your ex for the lack of money and BLAME THE MM too!! He has a child he is CHOOSING to not financially support.

 

 

Neither of these boys have emotional or financial support from their fathers. The court has already decided upon the financial support for one child. Financial support for the other hangs upon the threat of visitation.

 

 

actually, child support and visitation are 2 separate things in the eyes of the court. A person doesn't have to take visitation; but they have to pay support (if it is ordered). Visitation is granted to a person; but they do not have to take it. A non custodial parent cannot be forced to see their kids. But there are many dead beat parents who DO get to see their kids, even though they don't pay child support.

 

I guess you are just a better person than me, then. I chose divorce ultimately, also, but for reasons which I won't get into here, it was not possible during that time.

 

I didn't "run" and have an affair. It was much more complicated than that. I have always agreed with what you are saying and have always been a strong person. Sometimes life is not black and white.

 

All I am asking is for people to stop judging others when they can't possibly know the entire situation. It is the initial point I made regarding MBEG. Unless you are in her shoes, living her life, YOU can't possibly know enough about what she is going through to judge her actions.

 

I never said I was better. If you read my post, I said FOR ME.

 

And once again, people just others all the time. YOU judged me in your own post! People judge -it is a fact of life. Not sure why people don't get that.

[newlife2010]

I never said I was better. If you read my post, I said FOR ME.

 

And once again, people just others all the time. YOU judged me in your own post! People judge -it is a fact of life. Not sure why people don't get that.

 

Yes you did. Very clearly. And most all of your posts do so also. I've read most of them.

 

Not sure why you don't get that.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

Jennie - not a culture clash at all. just normally child support doesnt involve such a life changing revelation.

 

Jthorne - good thought about asking the wife. I think if i were to discuss support, i would definitely make sure she knew.

 

awkward - youre right, very eerie how similar the stories are, but its not me. i seriously doubt xmm would have the time to read such a message board, let alone falsely post on it.

 

emerald - my main goal, #1 is that i never want my son to come back later in life and say "why did you do x,y,z and why didnt you do this"

 

fooled - not sure why youre posting if you obviously have so much disdain for everything i say or do. i cant win. please try not to analyze every word i say and make it into something its not. when i say he didnt have to pay squat, well he does, but with no job its very close to nothing. thats what i meant. and do you know what? I AM a single mom. And have been busting my tail at it for a long time now. with NO help. But I see how it affects children and I see that I cannot be everything they need, I can give them my all, but I can never be Daddy. I'm sorry but we'll have to disagree on this. And I can make that statment not as a slap in the face to single moms, but as a single mother who recognizes the negative side of this situation.

 

yes i had an affair, yes i loved him. i cant change that.

[whichwayisup]

yes i had an affair, yes i loved him. i cant change that.

 

No, you can't. But, what you can change is and be proactive in changing your attitude towards him and not let yourself "miss" what you had, let yourself emotionally love him anymore. You may always love him, how he made you feel when times were good, but keep in mind it was an affair setting where feelings are magnified and more intense.

 

The path you're on now doesn't include him. That ship has sailed and he's chosen to stay away and be with his wife. Accept that and close your heart to him.

 

And please, do counselling. It'll help more than you realize.