a year later and a twist...

[newlife2010]

yes i had an affair, yes i loved him. i cant change that.

 

No. You can only change the future.

 

Don't beat yourself up for what you did in the past. You made the best choices you could at the time, and NO ONE!!! can judge your choices.

 

Please don't let certain people here judge you. Some people think they are superior and that they have a right to judge you, but they are not and they do NOT. Do NOT let them make you feel like less of a person, even thought that's what they want you to believe.

 

From your words, you have the right attitude about your son and what you want for him. You can only control you, not MM, at this point.

[Untouchable_Fire]

my stbxh isnt paying squat, isnt seeing his child, isnt helping at all and because of this i am having trouble working enough hours to make ends meet. my older son is heartbroken, sad, cries daily. and this deadbeat hurts him continuously. trust me, this issue is on the forefront. just not the place to discuss it on the ow board.

 

First, I want to say I understand why you didn't talk about paternity issues from the start here on this board. For the advice you were seeking it was irrelevant.

 

Now... I've seen several guys go through a mental breakdown of sorts after suffering through a cheating wife issue. This one is compounded by the length and now drug use.

 

If he can kick the addictions in time he should go back to being a good man and father. I have 2 friends that did well and turned out this way. One is even fighting for full custody.

 

but his using/being absent/ have made it easier to harbor anomosity towards him. i struggle every day to make ends meet, fight for my children, keep it together all alone while he does nothing. i hear my child cry and beg for him, i in turn cry and beg for him to take his visitation and then find myself being the only one to comfort our son and try to explain why daddy wont even call him on the phone.

 

i think that my issue now is i am so completely down and broken from the events of the last year that im just not ok inside anymore. so i feel saddness for both of them, what i did to my marriage, the being thrown under the bus, the wasting so much love on someone who didnt love me, and now the child. all of it just added up.

 

This is correct... you are tossed down and broken. You love this man because of it. If your self esteem was high, and your situation better... you would be done with him.

 

As it is... the guilt and shame is driving most of your poor choices.

 

I'm going to tell you this because I've told you many times before... neither your MM nor your xH is the man you need. I think your xH is a better guy and a better father.... but he isn't your man.

 

Just get that set in your head right now. Neither of these guys is one your meant to be with.

 

2. for our son. because, my son's well being depends on his father being there in his life not only emotionally but financially. we dont have enough money to get by, i think about things like a roof over our head or food. or him one day going to college. with a dad who is throwing his money away and not working it directly impacts my child. so yes, it is my business.

if hes living his life in a dangerous way then i cant be comfortable with him caring for his son one day if he chooses to. i certainly would let some drug addicted person be responsible for the care of my child.

 

Look... you have 2 son's. It's horrible to ask one guy to pay and not the other. It makes no sense at all. Your either depriving one child, or forcing one man give half his child support to take care of another man's child.

 

You need to be pulling support from BOTH!

 

I don't care how you feel about MM. That kid is his... and that kid needs him in more ways than just one. It's your JOB to provide that opportunity and so far your failing.

 

I won't speak more on this because you know it already.

 

 

emerald - my main goal, #1 is that i never want my son to come back later in life and say "why did you do x,y,z and why didnt you do this"

 

yes i had an affair, yes i loved him. i cant change that.

 

You should not worry about what a hypothetical son may hypothetically say in a hypothetical future.

 

Focus on the right here and right now, do the best you can. When you son is old enough he will understand that... no matter what choices you may make.

 

I come back to post this stuff because I feel for where your at and I know it sucks... but I honestly believe if you keep fighting... turn things around and start making good life choices... your life will be better than ever in the future.

 

I also believe you will find a man who will really love you... and that is something you deserve.