really effing pissed off and hopeless

[iheartsuki]

hello....i posted on here recently and now i'm back. sorry if this is long again...hoping someone can provide some kind of perspective or at least let me rant. :/

 

i've been with my bf in a ldr for 2 years now. yesterday, i bought my plane ticket to move up there and am leaving on the 19th.

 

we have been fighting practically non-stop. it's the worst it's ever been this past summer. we have always fought....he tends to be somewhat fussy and overly sensitive and that combined with my cautious, slow approach in the beginning caused most of our fights early on. for example: he would tell me that i don't send him sweet things in the mail, i don't write enough sweet things/show him i care enough, i said something wrong and it hurt his feelings...and he would read into things a lot. b/c i felt like too much pressure was being put on me, too many demands, we had only been together for a few months and i just couldn't give all that right away and i needed the feelings to grow naturally w/out all the pressure and neediness and clingyness (which i did explain to him), i needed him to back off a little and let me breath. which he did...sort of. and now, it is STILL hard for me to be openly giving and loving because i'm still being TOLD TO. when the thought enters my head to do something sweet or i get an idea.....he tells me i don't do anything sweet. i honestly hope i'm not just being spiteful, but it just makes me so hurt, angry and resentful and is such a morale buster that i end up not doing/showing him how much i care....and the cycle just continues. when i tell him how i feel, he just gets angry and says i'm consciously not giving him what he needs.

 

there are also things in the beginning that troubled me a bit. i noticed early on that when something upset him, he would not listen to my explanation until he was READY TO. we could literally be on the phone for 2 HOURS with him angry, hurt and crying, and me explaning my side until i'm blue in the face, exhausted, and hurt as well....and then a switch would go off. he's ready to accept my answer and now it's all over with. i didn't have to say anything different. he just was ready to accept my answer now.

 

there are also a lot of double standards. he comes down really hard on me (and others) and has exceptionally high standards and expectations, but fails to notice that he does MANY of the same things that he comes down on others for. when i point this out, he seems to just shrug it off or provides some explanation as to why him doing it is somehow justifiable or not as bad or "not the same". often, it really and truly is like he just DOES NOT make the connection!!! he insists that "in his head" he is constantly striving to meet the same standards, but i feel this does not make it ok. until you can successfully meet YOUR OWN STANDARDS, you do not impose your standards on others!!! that's MY feeling on it, anyway...

 

it also seems to always be about HIS feelings. HE is the one who is hurt. I am the one who hurt HIM. the focus is on ME ME ME and it is MY job to fix things and "do better". he tells me that i'm selfish (sometimes i can be a bit self-centered, honestly), i don't show him enough that i care, i am mean (i tend to curse and raise my voice when i'm angry and frustrated)....and he is hurt. again. he says that the relationship is "one sided".

 

so i try to work on those things. but then he just comes down on me AGAIN. it's still not enough. i start to become more "vulnerable" to him, and it's like he doesn't see it and stomps all over it. he wants INSTANT change, it seems....so i start feeling resentful. i feel like, at least i KNOW i'm trying but MY feelings are STILL not being heard. it's still about HIS feelings ALL THE TIME. isn't THAT one-sided???

 

i have told him all of these things (many times). sometimes he listens briefly, admits he's "not perfect" and says he'll "try to do better". but usually, he insists that he does more sweet things for me than i do for him. "other people see it". he's done this-or-that-or-this for me. he does NOT understand my side of it or listen to what it is i'm saying, argues with it, and -- when i make a good point, he shifts the point by focusing on something entirely unrelated to what i'm telling him in an example i used, and claims that he KNOWS he's good to me (therefore anything hurtful he does should be, by default, excused?).....and even says that i'll 'never find anyone out there who is as good as he is'.

 

i honestly am at the point where i feel like i don't even like him. it almost feels as though we HATE each other. we fight SO much. i do tend to hold grudges and stay angry about things, but usually i feel it's because my feelings are just constantly left unacknowledged, but that would NEVER happen w/ HIS. he is good about still being sweet/considerate even WHILE he's angry (something i'm not good at), but often it seems to go TOO far and he completely blows off my feelings again by acting like nothing is wrong. it's like he doesn't take me as seriously as he takes himself and HIS feelings.

 

is this relationship too effed to ever work? could counseling help? will being together in person finally help? are we just all wrong together? am i dealing with someone here who is emotionally abusive??? he is very head-strong and has a strong personality/is very confident. but holding all the sweet things he does over my head and DEMANDING the same thing back and telling me "you'll never find someone as sweet as me, i know that no one out there like me exists".....seems so unbelievably F*CKED UP.

Edited September 30, 2010 by iheartsuki

[Guitarjeff]

Sounds like you guys need to split with no contact for a while, not to break up, but to miss each other so you can know how terrible it is without each other. Sounds like you two have just had too much contact and you have forgotten what it's like to do without each other, basically, you are both taking each other for granted.

 

Explain to him that you and he both simply need to *Miss* each other for a couple weeks with no contact and then talk and I bet the "I Love You's" will flow like a river. Sometimes we just don't miss our SO until they are not around for a while.

[aerogurl87]

Sounds like you express yourself one way that is not the same as he expresses himself. I see some incompatibility but I must say when you need to go to counseling and you're not engaged or married, in my eyes that means the relationship is dying if not already dead. If you can't talk to him and he can't talk to you, maybe it's time you two find other people who are on the same page as you both because doesn't seem like you two are.

[MisUnderstanding]

He is controlling you and this will not stop. Don't think that once you live together it'll go away, it won't. He insecure for whatever reason so he has this need to control you. How he gets upset at you, how he complains about lack of sweet things, how he thinks he loves you more, how won't accept your apologies until you've turned yourself inside out, all that is control.

I am pretty sure you've told him more than just once to back off, but he didn't. Every time it happened again and again. It does not stop.

Return your ticket and stay where you are. Even if the ticket isn't refundable, just swallow the money paid and let it go. You are right that you see it's effed up because it is. Nothing can help him except him realizing what he is doing wrong. Alone. On his own. Outside of a relationship.

Ask yourself if you can handle him abusing you (yes, what he does to you is abuse) for the rest of your life. If you can, you have a plain to board. If not, you know what to do.

[blugirl]

omg, seems like I was reading the description of my past relationship :/

girl, break it up as quickly as possible to save yourself trouble and to stay sane when it's still not too late :/ I know how effing frustrating it is and there's no love in your relationship anymore, your post just speaks for itself. Good luck and hope everything will be fine for you.

[nycgirl6]

Are you dating my ex?