Gay and Having Doubts... Or not?

[jode]

I'm a bisexual 18 year-old and I've been quietly dating another guy for about three months now. We've got a great talking relationship, and a safe, active sex life. This is the first relationship for both of us, gay or straight, and I credit this guy with bringing me out. Right now though, I'm a little confused...

 

Sometimes I really care about him, and I'm glad we're going out. Other times I couldnt care less... There's never a time when I dont enjoy being with him, but often I dont feel like we've got anything special. Sometimes I feel like we're more friends than partners.

 

I'm unsure as to whether these feelings are actually doubt... Is this just residual denial from having come out only a few months ago? Or is it maybe a nagging fear of being discovered? Only my parents know about us, and they've been accepting and supportive. His parents are devoutly Catholic and openly anti-gay, and may not react well.

 

He's told me that he cares about me deeply, but I cant admit to caring as strongly back (at least not all the time). We've talked about this, and I've made it clear that I feel I'm still experimenting, but I'm having fun with him. Is it also possible that maybe he's just scaring me off with thoughts of a excessively serious relationship?

[Errol]

Sounds to me like normal first-relationship anxiety -- doesn't matter if the relationship is gay or straight -- that just adds anxiety.

 

A lot of first relationships have one person's parents in a tizzy. They don't like the "class" of person their child is dating and doesn't feel that person is good enough, blah blah blah. In your case it is because the relationship is homosexual and their religion is putting a lot of pressure on both of you. But your doubts are about your own feelings for him and apart from his parents views.

 

Its not uncommon for one person to fall in love and the other one does not. You also said you are bi-sexual and that may be confusing. Perhaps this guy is really better suited to you as a friend and not a lover. Just because you are bi-sexual it does not mean that every friend has to be a lover. Maybe you need to think about what you want in a romantic partner and then see if he meets those criteria.

 

First relationships are confusing for everyone -- its a learning experience for both of you. Take what you learn about yourself with you into your next relationships.

[jode]

Errol -- You said:

 

"Its not uncommon for one person to fall in love and the other one does not. You also said you are bi-sexual and that may be confusing. Perhaps this guy is really better suited to you as a friend and not a lover. Just because you are bi-sexual it does not mean that every friend has to be a lover. Maybe you need to think about what you want in a romantic partner and then see if he meets those criteria."

 

 

What are the consequenses of continuing a lop-sided relationship? With one in love and the other "just experimenting?"

 

My gut tells me that its probably all right to continue, so long as both sides are aware of the circumstances, and in this case I think we are... Problem is, my gut cant tell me what might happen as a result of continuing... What are the possible consequences?

[brashgal]

The person who cares more gets their heart broken.

[Errol]

Originally posted by jode

Errol -- You said:

 

"Its not uncommon for one person to fall in love and the other one does not. You also said you are bi-sexual and that may be confusing. Perhaps this guy is really better suited to you as a friend and not a lover. Just because you are bi-sexual it does not mean that every friend has to be a lover. Maybe you need to think about what you want in a romantic partner and then see if he meets those criteria."

 

 

What are the consequenses of continuing a lop-sided relationship? With one in love and the other "just experimenting?"

 

My gut tells me that its probably all right to continue, so long as both sides are aware of the circumstances, and in this case I think we are... Problem is, my gut cant tell me what might happen as a result of continuing... What are the possible consequences?

 

Think about it. How is the guy going to feel if you continue to treat him as a lover and see him all the time? He's going to keep falling for you, he's going to begin to think that you are falling for him too and he is going to get his hopes up that you two have a long-term future together -- even if you keep denying it. Have you heard the old expression "actions speak louder than words" ? It's true. You need to be upfront and clear about your feelings and your doubts and allow him to also decide if he wants to continue with something that could potentially cause him some heartbreak.

 

Relationships usually end with someone being hurt - there is virtually no avoiding it. The degree of hurt is different depending on the substance of the relationship. Think about your own needs and wants and think about his feelings too and the two of you need to discuss it.

[jode]

Ok... I think its pretty obvious that if I were to continue the relationship even though I didnt care AT ALL, I would be leading him on. As you said, I would be allowing him to

 

Originally posted by Errol

... get his hopes up that you two have a long-term future together.

 

Even with my limited experience, I know enough not to continue a romantic relationship in which I have no romantic interest. But I'm not unfeeling in this relationship. I care about him, but its not constant, and that's what concerns me.

 

Remember my original concern: I'm unsure as to whether these feelings are actually doubt... You originally suggested it might be "normal first-relationship anxiety." Am I leading him on if I'm experiencing "normal first-relationship anxiety?" How can I be sure its "normal first-relationship anxiety," and how can I end it without ending the relationship?

 

I'll talk to him as soon as I can. I should make it clear to him again that my feelings are fluctuating. If this is still bothering me, obviously our first conversation wasnt enough. In the meantime, can anyone supply any answers?

[moimeme]

Sometimes we try to get our brains to do what our hearts should be doing; in short we overthink things. How do you feel about him? Are you happy to be in his company? Do you want him around? It's often easier to determine those things than to try to gauge the amount of affection you have for a person.

 

Short of some sort of emotional thermometer, you should try other means of measuring someone's importance to you. One I often use is 'how would I feel if that person were gone from my life?'. The amount of loss you feel at that thought can be a good indicator of the extent of your feelings for the person.

[jode]

Originally posted by moimeme

How do you feel about him? Are you happy to be in his company? Do you want him around?

I do want him around, and I do like being with him... But not always.

 

I think the solution may be in taking this a little slower... Ease off the throttle a little. I should probably stop expecting so much emotion from myself if (a) we've only been dating for a little while; (b) This is a first relationship; and © I've only been accepting of homosexual feelings for three months. Three months might seem like a long time for something like that, but thats THREE MONTHS versus FOUR YEARS of denial.

 

Here's my thinking -- First, I'll talk to him about all this; let him in on my thinking and get his opinion. Secondly, I'll suggest we spend a little less time together (cut it down to maybe just dating once a week and calling at nights, instead of talking/studying/hanging out/calling everyday).

 

A mutual friend of ours, who doesnt know anything about our relationship, mentioned that we were "practically joined at the hip." We do spend a lot of time together... Maybe it's just going a little too fast for me. Maybe we could tone it down until I'm a little more secure in my thinking/feeling.

 

Any thoughts? I think I'm making more sense than I was before... What do you think?