He questions MY "commitment" ?!?

[Star_Bright]

I think I am just weak. I tried to end this after his wife found out and I spent a month in another state with my family. I didn't want to come back here because I knew I would continue on with him, and I did, but I obviously had ties here I needed to come back to. And I wasn't finished with it, I guess I needed to see where it would go and drag myself through more pain. Now I want to be finished with it and it seems so hard. I wish I knew some of you guys in real life and we could go out and tell each other we are better than these MMs. I guess I've been letting him be selfish because I am scared to make a change and be lonely and miss him. I've been wanting him to make the decision for me and this is how he decides to make it and it's still selfish. I am just going to have to get rid of him and only think about what I really want, which is out of this thing.

[Star_Bright]

I think he knows he is going to go back and just wants to drag out a little more time with me. And he can't do that without claiming he loves me and is going to do what it takes to be with me and blah blah blah. Well forget him. He's known what to do if he wants to be with me and he can't do it. Fine.

 

Thanks for listening to me rant everyone. It's either post or go crazy. Still going crazy though ha ha.

[BB07]

Ahhh SB......no one here can tell you what to do, it's up to you, but know that we are here for you.

[Star_Bright]

Ahhh SB......no one here can tell you what to do, it's up to you, but know that we are here for you.

 

Thanks BB.

[UntoldStory]

Yes!! That is what I want him to do. I guess he is not going to do it so I am just going to have to do it for myself. I guess he is just plain selfish and I've been just plain fooled by him.

 

(((SB))) I know exactly how you feel. If it helps, I really don't believe that most of them are intentionally trying to deceive, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have real feelings for you. It only means that in the end, he is looking out for #1, and that means he can't possibly have your best interests at heart. So you need to protect your own. I am learning the same thing.

[Brokenlady]

Sb,

Your mm is all over the map, which totally makes sense bc he's telling you he's unsure what he wants. He is going to manipulate the hell out of you and w while he "figures it out". This test run idea of his proves the point. If you haven't proven your worth to him as a gf by now, hes not going to see it justcause you put on a show for a week. I'm fact, I could see him using a bad week with you bc of your upset with his indecisiveness being used as his excuse to leave you and go back to his w, avoiding all personal responsibility.

 

The speech you got about he has in mind a different way to end it with wife that doesnt involve him ending it? I heard that EXACT same line of bs. Take it as face value- he doesn't want to end it with her until he's quite sure he wants to be with you. He's a man with one foot in each boat. He will stay there until you and w have performed sufficient feats for his entertainment and assurance if your worth or until one of you pushes his foot out. Why the he'll should either you or wife have to prove anything to him at this point? Hasn't each if your relationships with him been enough? Haven't both of you suffered enough? I played this game, tried even harder during that time to prove myself, and I don't advise it. And bear in mind ghat it sets up an awful competitive dynamic between you and his w, which thus guy will eat up.

 

Alsobear in mind that his w knows what worked when he ended his 1st marriage. She knows how to play this if she still wants him. it's going to be an uphill battle. Love and relationships shouldn't be this hard.

[Star_Bright]

(((SB))) I know exactly how you feel. If it helps, I really don't believe that most of them are intentionally trying to deceive, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have real feelings for you. It only means that in the end, he is looking out for #1, and that means he can't possibly have your best interests at heart. So you need to protect your own. I am learning the same thing.

 

It does help... I do know he loves me and I do think he wants to be with me but when push comes to shove (almost literally, ha ha), he can't do what it takes to make that happen. So what is that love worth? Nothing!

 

Thanks for your support!

[Star_Bright]

Sb,

Your mm is all over the map, which totally makes sense bc he's telling you he's unsure what he wants. He is going to manipulate the hell out of you and w while he "figures it out". This test run idea of his proves the point. If you haven't proven your worth to him as a gf by now, hes not going to see it justcause you put on a show for a week. I'm fact, I could see him using a bad week with you bc of your upset with his indecisiveness being used as his excuse to leave you and go back to his w, avoiding all personal responsibility.

 

The speech you got about he has in mind a different way to end it with wife that doesnt involve him ending it? I heard that EXACT same line of bs. Take it as face value- he doesn't want to end it with her until he's quite sure he wants to be with you. He's a man with one foot in each boat. He will stay there until you and w have performed sufficient feats for his entertainment and assurance if your worth or until one of you pushes his foot out. Why the he'll should either you or wife have to prove anything to him at this point? Hasn't each if your relationships with him been enough? Haven't both of you suffered enough? I played this game, tried even harder during that time to prove myself, and I don't advise it. And bear in mind ghat it sets up an awful competitive dynamic between you and his w, which thus guy will eat up.

 

Alsobear in mind that his w knows what worked when he ended his 1st marriage. She knows how to play this if she still wants him. it's going to be an uphill battle. Love and relationships shouldn't be this hard.

 

I agree. I don't want to go through all of that. I would rather just be on my own and be happy without all the drama and confusion and frustration. I don't want to fight against his wife-- she can have him. He will see this as "he's not worth the fight." Well, he's not!!! Nobody is, that is just stupid!

[KarmasTestDummy]

Well, he is a very successful manipulator at work, and yes I guess with me and with relationships. This is so stupid. Everytime I talk to him, I get more and more confused. He tried to call me and I told him via messenger that I couldn't talk at work because I don't want to get upset. So then we had a stupid message conversation and this is how it went. I don't know what to think about anything. He asks like I promised him I would stay with him until Sunday but that didn't happen. This morning he told me he agreed with me that we should take a break but he wants us to stay together until Sunday, after the football game, because he needs time to process things. I don't remember agreeing, I was just like, what?! You agree we should take a break, okay great! I asked why Sunday and he said it takes him time to be okay with his decisions (although in the past he has told me he likes to act instead of sitting back... which seems more true). So I was just confused. So now he says this.

 

----------------------------------------------

 

MM: I have reconsidered the break issue. I agree. [This is AFTER we discussed this this morning; he had already told me this in person.] It will be hard but none of this is easy. Nor should it be. Love you.

 

MM: Thank you for being patient with me. And agreeing to how we do it.

 

Me: I guess I am the opposite of you. I like to get things over with.

 

MM: You are so certain we won't be together that you are accelerating that outcome.

 

Me: Well what is the point of waiting until Sunday? I want to start getting used to it.

 

MM: Your view is so fatalistic baby. I see us differently. Because I really believe in us.

 

Me: Ok so prove it to me.

 

MM: Prove?

 

Me: Yes, start the divorce process and let [wife] know it is over and you are with me. I understand if you're not ready to do that but until/unless you are then I think my view of us is spot on.

 

MM: [starBright]. I truly want to be with you. Your way would ensure [wife] would be done. But that's not the only way to end my relationship with [wife].

 

Me: You confuse me. Let's just stick to you figuring out things on your own and when you have decided for sure and taken action for sure then we can resume.

 

MM: But not till Sunday, right?

 

Me: What is the significance of Sunday? Are you going back home on Sunday?

 

MM: No I am not going home on Sunday. I don't know when or if I'm ever going back.

 

Me: I feel like I've been putting my life on hold for you. Since we can't be together for real yet if at all, I need to start focusing on myself. I'm not sure why Sunday.

 

MM: I want to experience this week with you. The more I'm with you the more I want. But I understand why we need it now. Please don't break your promise to me. [i have no recollection of making any such promise to him. I should have told him that. I was so confused about why he kept talking about Sunday.]

 

Me: How are you going to be okay to break on Sunday if the more you're with me the more you want?

 

MM: I will abide by my promise of Sunday. Ok. But give yourself to me until then please. Deal?

 

Me: I am suspicious, what is happening on Sunday? You are driving me crazy.

 

Me: I was shocked this morning when you agreed to a break. I wasn't sure you were serious because sometimes no offense but you talk out of your [butt]. So now I'm wondering what happened, if you talked to [wife] about Sunday or what. I don't want you to play with me.

 

MM: There is no grand scheme. No event. No meeting. No plan. No nothing.

 

MM: No games baby. I can let go if I prepare my head. That's all I'm asking. I told you this morning how I wanted to do this. Sunday was not preplanned. I just wanted to be able to share time with you before our break. And savor our time.

 

Me: That seems selfish to me, I don't want to feel used.

 

MM: I want to feel what it's like to sleep and basically live with you. So I can know what I will be giving up if I don't take "action." Nothing else baby. [Grrrr this part made me so very mad.]

 

Me: So it's a test run. I think you know what you will be giving up.

 

MM: No. Not a test run. We haven't had the opportunity to be together like we have been this week. I want more of you.

 

MM: You want a break. We haven't been together like this before. This is a reasonable compromise since we see things differently.

 

Me: In the meantime [wife] is also waiting. I want you to do what's best for you and your kids. I don't want to interfere any longer, this makes me unhappy. I can't be happy while we are so tumultuous. I want to be happy either on my own or with you the right way, not the wrong way. That's how I feel.

 

MM: Please give me what I'm asking for because I'm giving you what you're asking for. There is no game here. I just want more/all of you before the break.

 

Me: You have had all of me for a long time! I feel like you just want to use me more before going back home.

 

MM: [starBright]. I would not have left home to "use" you for a week. A day. A month. I am breaking from [wife] to be with you. We differ on the means but not the end.

 

MM: I'm listening to your views. So I agreed to a break. I asked to see you for a few more days and you agreed. Why can't we just leave it at that. No more pressure after that. I need/want more time with you.

 

Me: You agreed to a break because you agreed it was a good idea because you need time to think.

 

Me: I don't remember agreeing to Sunday or promising to be with you until Sunday. I was confused what Sunday had to do with anything but I was glad you were seeing things my way about the break.

 

Me: Argh my head is spinning let's just stop talking about this crap for the moment.

 

MM: Agreed.

 

------------------------------

 

So, there it is. I am really mad that he said he wants to see what he would be giving up if he doesn't take action. I have given him my all but I guess that's not good enough. I am just getting really sick of him.

 

Grrr, this man is annoying me' with his dates and he's not even my bf. "I'm moving out but not for 8 days" "we can go public, but not for three weeks." "we can have our break, but not until Sunday after you have served me nachos during the football game and gave me' one final bj" do you really think it was his W who asked him to wait for 8 days or does it make more sense that he's the weird guy about timelines?

 

Myfirst instinct at this point and after going through everything I have this week is take back control. It's ur life, your next few days, and you don't owe it to him. If he's going to quit wasting your life he needs to do it right now and should have no other say in the matter. He is a control freak!!

[KarmasTestDummy]

Btw...what state are you in? If u said California I'm thinking we should totally make a road trip for a single ladies man bashing get together!

[Star_Bright]

Grrr, this man is annoying me' with his dates and he's not even my bf. "I'm moving out but not for 8 days" "we can go public, but not for three weeks." "we can have our break, but not until Sunday after you have served me nachos during the football game and gave me' one final bj" do you really think it was his W who asked him to wait for 8 days or does it make more sense that he's the weird guy about timelines?

 

Myfirst instinct at this point and after going through everything I have this week is take back control. It's ur life, your next few days, and you don't owe it to him. If he's going to quit wasting your life he needs to do it right now and should have no other say in the matter. He is a control freak!!

 

The eight day thing was weird. My best guess as to what happened is that he got his wife to agree that moving out to clear his head and give them space was best for both of them and the kids, supported by the alleged fact that his therapist agrees it's a good idea. So she said all right but please wait until my friend's visit is over (which was on that Sunday at the end of the eight days).

 

I can only trust my gut and I really believe that's what happened. NOT that she kicked him out, not that he was necessarily needing that time to prepare himself to move out (although I'm sure it helped him to be living with his wife and still having me on the side for those 8 extra days), but that they agreed upon that date. Because by what he says they did sit down with the kids and she actually gave them the spiel and said Daddy's counselor thinks this is a good idea. He thinks SHE is the control freak...

 

So perhaps something similar happened this time, where when I told him to get divorced if he wanted to be with me, he went running back to her and said he wants to come back, and she might have said, well, now you left, you stay there and think about it until the end of the week. But more likely he just wants to buy more time to keep seeing me without taking any action. Again, my gut instinct says that.

 

My gut says he hasn't been outright lying or been kicked out etc. but he is clearly too undecided to take the action I need and tell his wife what's what. So, I'm out!!!

 

Maybe he also said it to see if I'd change my mind and think, oh that was a bad idea to take a break because now I miss him so much. Whatever.

 

The three week thing was random... he was just talking about us going to an event and I mentioned that people who know he is married will be there and he said by then we will be a real couple. I don't think he was giving it a deadline of three weeks per se, but in his messed up mind he was picturing it all hunky dory by then. When I pointed out his inconsistencies, because previously he had told me it could take a long time for him to get divorced, he was kind of like, oh yeah, duh. I think in his head he will drag his feet on the divorce but at the same time he and I will be some happy couple. Um NO, because if there's a chance of him going back to her then I do not want to be publicly ridiculed like that. At this point I need to protect my career reputation which I have been doing a BAD job of thus far. He needs to hedge his bets all in one place, her or me. If he doesn't do it I will do it for him. Well he's not doing it, and it's as simple as that for me, after all this confusion.

 

Thanks Karma for your support and I support your decision too!! You are doing the right thing girl.

[Star_Bright]

Btw...what state are you in? If u said California I'm thinking we should totally make a road trip for a single ladies man bashing get together!

 

I would love that, we are the same age and everything ha ha ha. (Well, my birthday is coming up soonish and then we will be.) I am in the Southwest but would love a get together. It's crazy but I would do it. As you know I do crazy things ha ha ha.

[fooled once]

It does help... I do know he loves me and I do think he wants to be with me but when push comes to shove (almost literally, ha ha), he can't do what it takes to make that happen. So what is that love worth? Nothing!

 

Thanks for your support!

 

SB ((hug))

 

I think there is way more to it than he is letting you know.

 

I wonder if his wife dislikes football and that is why he wants to wait until after the game to go home/break up. He wants to be a single dude hanging out, watching the game, with you getting him beer, snacks and a little sex before he goes home, tail between his legs.

 

The 8 day moving out was random as hell. Trust me, as a wife, if my H was cheating and throwing it in my face, the LAST thing I would want would be for him to be around while my friends are visiting. I wouldn't want to put on a show as a happy couple (which makes me now wonder, were they all lovey dovey while the friends were visiting?? ) She would NOT be able to put a show on in front of her friends and as soon as they pulled out of the driveway, tell him to get out. I call MAJOR BS on this.

 

Makes me wonder what else is BS (not betrayed spouse).

 

He wants a weekend of kinky sex, you smothering him with love and taking care of him and then back to the ole wife.

 

Why in the world SB are you allowing this utter lack of disrespect for you and your body? He wants to be able to call you and lean on you??? Where the heck is he for you? When is HE going to be there for YOU? When is he going to realize how HURT you are by all this? Why aren't your feelings of concern for him? Why won't he open his eyes to see how badly he is hurting you? Isn't that what people who love each other do?

 

I know you really need to believe he loves you. Maybe in his way he does. But what you post about in regards to him isn't love to me. Love is giving of yourself; not taking. Love is respect; not disrespect. Love is unselfish, not selfish. Love is caring, not hurting.

 

He loves HIMSELF - and he wants everyone else to love him, and worship him and feel grateful to be with him.

 

IMHO, dragging it out until Sunday, after the football games, isn't GOOD FOR YOU. At this point, that is all you should be concerned about -- you should have your back, because it is obvious he doesn't have your back. He is going to want you to be a 'good little girl' this weekend, take care of him (in every way) and not be sad or moody about the 'break' and ensure HIS weekend is what HE wants. Blech....

 

I hope you really think about this and make a clean break...and not drag it out. That isn't fair to you -- and it is time someone started looking out for you because it is obvious MM is only concerned about himself.

[MorningCoffee]

(((SB))) I know exactly how you feel. If it helps, I really don't believe that most of them are intentionally trying to deceive, and it doesn't mean that he doesn't have real feelings for you. It only means that in the end, he is looking out for #1, and that means he can't possibly have your best interests at heart. So you need to protect your own. I am learning the same thing.

 

I think this is accurate, not just in SB's situation, but in general when dealing with a married partner who has not already made a choice about the marriage but is still ambivalent, and maybe, possibly, just might think, there's a chance, they might end it. But then again they might not.

 

Frustrating seems too inadequate a word. Maddening? Yes, maddening. Hurtful. Sad. Infuriating. All of the above. Arrggh.

 

So yes, you do have to protect yourself, as best you can. Learning this myself, too.

[Star_Bright]

Now he says he doesn't want a break, he wants to be with me and he knows I am right when I say that if he loves me, he will take action to prove it. He said he talked to his divorce lawyer and they are meeting on Tuesday to make a separation agreement. He said he is serious about being with me and he just can't give me up so he is doing everything he can to stay with me.

 

He went into the gas station and I looked through his Blackberry. I hate not trusting him but I am trying to independently verify things. He had some texts with some guy about looking at his loft apartment to rent. Some emails with a realtor about finding out the value of some lake property he owns. He had told me previously that he wants to sell all his sole assets so he can give that money to his wife in the divorce settlement and be able to keep his retirement funds in investments.

 

There was also a text from his wife that he had shown me while we were talking, letting him know that their son didn't want to go to his biking event yesterday evening. MM's response was "ok". So

He went to his house yesterday while his wife was working and got the rest of his clothes and shoes and some other stuff like his golf clubs. He said that she called him and asked why he took all of that and said she hadn't expected him to be gone more than a week. (So maybe there was something to that Sunday thing....) He said he is sending her a clear message that he is done, and when his lawyer goes to hers with the proposed separation agreement, she will know even more how serious he is.

 

Perhaps I am being too impatient. But I feel like if I didn't keep trying to walk away, none of this would be getting done. I think I'm going to take a step back and just focus on living my life and see what happens with him. I have been putting so much energy into this. It's exhausting and I have no one to blame but myself, I know. I'm tired of second-guessing everything and want to just sit back and watch what he really does. He says I am right about everything I've been saying and he is listening to me and taking action.

[Star_Bright]

I think this ride is going to last a bit longer. He's going through a lot of emotions, and just as this attitude is new compared to yesterday, tomorrow it may yet be something else.

 

For your own peace of mind, try to disengage a bit from this. I don't mean abandon him, but don't invest so much into what he does and what the outcome is going to be. This is going to be touch and go for a while yet IMO. Protect yourself.

 

Yes, exactly, this is my goal. I pointed out to him that that morning he was saying he agreed we needed a break for him to decide and take action one way or the other. By dinner he was saying he decided he wants only me and will take action. That decision IMO was "forced" on him by me saying I couldn't handle the indecision and I'm leaving. So how do I know he will stay set in that "decision" and take action as he says?

 

I don't know. Plain and simple, I don't know that that will stay his decision. I do know that he knows that I mean business, that I won't stay with him if I see signs of indecision and wavering. I do know that he really feels that he wants to be with me and is afraid to lose me. That he knows he has to take action to stay with me. And I have told him that if needs time, I will give him time, that he doesn't have to be afraid of losing me, by being honest with me and telling me he's truly undecided. But if that is so then I can't keep investing everything in him, and doing so will only distract him or help him put off making a decision. I told him that if he is sure that he only wants to be with me and get divorced, I can be with him through that even though I know it will be hard. But if he is not sure then I can't be with him because that is unfair to me.

 

I feel like I've done everything I can; he knows now where I stand and if he doesn't continue to be sure and back his words up with actions then I need to leave. If he stays sure and keeps taking action in my direction then I will stay. But as you said I will try to stay focused on myself, not him, because I really don't know how this will turn out.

[UntoldStory]

Again, I prescribe a really good margarita with friends.

[Star_Bright]

Again, I prescribe a really good margarita with friends.

 

Ha ha. I'm getting on that this weekend.

[fooled once]

I think you are right that if you backed off, he would do nothing.

 

Which is telling in itself.

 

I do believe that for YOUR sanity, you need to back off. You can't be his sounding board. He has to figure it out himself.

 

Do you really want to always wonder "if" he would have done all this had you not been there, questioning where things were, asking him "did you call xyz" today, etc.

 

Wouldn't it be nice to not have to wonder and deal with all that? Wouldn't it be better to know that he wants you --- because he loves you and not because you are pushing him? You have known him 4 months -- honestly SB, that isn't very long. He is 24 years older than you. You shouldn't have to be his "mommy" and remind him what to do. If it is IMPORTANT to him, it will be a priority.

 

And also know, many couples do all the work to get divorced, and in the end, at the final leg of the journey, the reconcile. Let him get through it all without having a soft place to land -- without the prodding and pushing of you. Let him come to you - divorced. If he says to you "I am not going to go through it all if you wont be by my side" then that is very telling in that you aren't important enough for him to do it and it isn't really what he wants.

 

I don't understand wishy-washy. I don't respect that. ESPECIALLY out of an older guy. The fence sitting is ridiculous. If you don't love someone enough to fight FOR them and FOR the relationship - then it isn't a relationship *I* would want to be in. I think you are having to do more of the work to keep the relationship going than he is. He is sitting back and enjoying all the benefits of being married AND having an OW. How about he deal with HIS life and HIS marriage and then give you a call telling you he wants to start again with you - with dating and really getting to know each other - not with what you guys are doing now.

 

I also worry about his temper and his emotional abuse/blackmail he uses on you. You are too worried about "losing him" to see that he is doing this to you. His comment of something like "if you break up with me while I try to decide if I want to stay married or not, well, the heck with you -- I will just stay married" is crap. That is not cool to do to you nor is it respectful of you. That doesn't say LOVE to me - that says dependent and needy.

 

I wish you the best. I can only image how exhausted from all this you are.

[Star_Bright]

I understand what you're saying, Fooled Once. I doubt this changes your advice but I've known him for a year and a half. Our EA has been going for at least a year and our PA for 4 months. But I get what you mean. Thanks.

[Brokenlady]

Sb,

 

Again this all sounds so familiar. You are correct that he requires, and will continue to require you to nudge him. It is exhausting. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, it's just that he's emotionally immature, and will do what's easiest for him until he's called out for it. Is that a role you can handle for the long period until he sorts this out? I can promise you he didn't suddenly get himself resolved in a few hours. He's going to go back and forth in his heart and mins for months to come.

 

Now, what is telling is that his w thought he'd be coming back by now. One wonders what he said to her when he left, but you can bet it wasn't definitive that he was leaving for good.

 

Taking the rest of his stuff is a good sign. But did he get everything? It doesn't sound like it. It sounds like he made a token gesture to appease you while still ensuring a "leave behind" presense in the house with his w. Pay attention to half-gestures like this. It'll give you a good idea of how long he's going to jerk you both around and how dedicated he is to keeping it both ways.

[Star_Bright]

Hi BL. You're right that he didn't tell his wife he was leaving for good. He said he thought the environment was toxic for the kids and that they both needed space. He said he did that to make things easier on her and the kids instead of rubbing in her face that he was leaving for another woman. But you're right, I know now that he did it because he was unsure and trying to appease both of us.

 

I think what he is doing is cowardly and selfish. I am beginning to fall out of love with him because I see him so differently now. I would like a strong, decisive man who is only mine. I know I asked for this by being with a MM. But I don't want it anymore.

 

I am going to have to change my number I guess if I can manage to say goodbye for good. He knows where I work and live, he is very persistent. I'm angry because he's persistent in not letting me go when I need MY space but he waffles with me about taking real action and he tells his wife he needs HIS space when really he wants to keep tabs on both of us. I just can't take it anymore. I know I've said this before but I am getting there. I want a happier life and I know I deserve better than what he gives me.

[Star_Bright]

How many times have I said I wanted to be done with him? Well this time I really do. He is so jealous, possessive, controlling, immature, a bully and sometimes a just plain A-hole. All the things I HATE in a guy, and here I am putting up with it from him, why? I don't know.

 

The same things he used to love about me--I'm friendly, fun, open-minded--he now uses against me and tries to make me feel like some sl*t. I have only been with him this whole time but he's convinced I'm always wanting to be with someone else. It seems he wants me to be a b!tch to every guy but him. Well that is not me, I am a friendly and nice person, yes maybe sometimes too nice, but he gets mad if some guy looks at me and I don't say "stop looking at me." He claims that their looking at me is disrespectful and insulting to HIM. ??? He's said he knows how guys are and how they work and if I'm not mean to them then they will take that as an invitation to get with me. WTF, why have I been putting up with this crap. It's stupid, I know I love him and don't want to be with anyone else and he claims he knows that too but then he is just so jealous. He claims it's the way he was raised, his machismo. Well then I guess it is never going to change now is it?!

 

I feel like he doesn't respect me as my own person but he just wants me as his possession. He doesn't love me for who I am but instead because he thinks I'm all his any time he wants me. Like he can put me in a bubble and take me out when he wants to but how dare I go out into public without being on his arm. I'm mad at myself for putting my life on hold for him. For nearly ruining my career for him. For scheduling all my time around him. I guess he doesn't respect me because I haven't been respecting myself much. I need to move on from him, I know I deserve better. It's no longer just the fact that he's married, but that he is just the wrong guy for me!

[Brokenlady]

Sb,

He's insecure bc he knows he wouldnt be faithful to someone that treated him like he has treated you. IF and only IF his jealousy is a manifestation of guilt at how he's treated you, that may fade. But he's got so many other drawbacks. Out of curiosity, did he take all of his stuff this time, or still leave things behind?

[Star_Bright]

Sb,

He's insecure bc he knows he wouldnt be faithful to someone that treated him like he has treated you. IF and only IF his jealousy is a manifestation of guilt at how he's treated you, that may fade. But he's got so many other drawbacks. Out of curiosity, did he take all of his stuff this time, or still leave things behind?

 

Yes, he knows I deserve better and is afraid I will go out and find it. Well now I will!

 

I don't know if he took all of his stuff or not. He said he did (well, he said he took a LOT more.... all the necessities and just left a bunch of stuff he said he will have to store because he has so much stuff...) but last night we got in a fight, at my house, and then he left, so I didn't ever see what he took or didn't take to his friend's house.

 

He had been with his kids and I think he felt guilty and was trying to blame me and pick fights with me. I wasn't buying into his BS and made him leave, or he left on his own because I wasn't giving into him, I don't know what all really happened, just that I'm done for good.

 

I thought the fight had been a ruse to have a reason to leave my house and go stay at his house with his family. I am so pathetic that I drove to his friend's house in the middle of the night to see if his vehicle was there. I told myself that would give me my answer, and I could walk away. Well his vehicle WAS in the driveway, ha ha, oops.

 

But then as I drove away, and all last night and today, I've been thinking, I think I have my answer anyway. My answer is that I don't trust him enough and I don't understand why he picks fights with me to the point that I think the worst. That's no way to be in a relationship. And honestly I think he IS going back home, probably on Sunday, and was just looking for a reason to blame it on me and tell himself it's my fault we're not together and leave without having to man up and let me know he decided to go back home. In my gut and based on what everyone has told me, he is going to go back home, and I know he will find a way to try to make it my fault, if that wasn't in fact what he was doing last night. And I am just out of love with him, I am disillusioned, he is not the man I want.

 

Maybe his extreme jealousy and possessiveness is a result of his guilt and fear about cheating and/or ending his marriage. Maybe he is just like that all the time and I hadn't seen it until recently. I think it's a combination of both and I just can't put up with it under any circumstances. I just feel done with him. I told him not to call me today and he hasn't (he's at a golf tournament but still), and I'm glad. I am 95% sure he will call me today or tomorrow and I need to tell him I'm done. It's a sad ending but really I don't think there ever could have been a good ending... I feel like I do all I can, too much, for him and it still isn't enough. He's so demanding and immature. I'm done!!!