What next??

[soma1980]

Hi there, i'm a 30 year old guy and new on here....read alot of the posts and many of them resonate with me unfortunately!

 

I've been with my partner for 13 years and we got married two years ago, we've had an up and down relationship which over the years we've just accepted is just 'how we are'....we're both stubborn and hot headed which makes us clash quite alot, it's become a bit of a power struggle really.

 

Anyway to the point, two weeks ago I found out that she's been having an affair (apparently they haven't slept together yet) with someone at work for the last six months which really has knocked me sideways....i've never felt so hurt, I kicked her out of our house and we traded insults as you do in the heat of a row . Over the course of the next week we text and spoke on the phone and I begged her to come back because i'm so scared of losing her / being on my own, she says she needs time to think!! Eventually we've sat down and discussed everything properly for hours and decided to separate which is really NOT what I wanted, I was willing to forgive her for the sake of our marriage but it seems her head has been turned by this other person....she says he makes her feel special and important which admittedly in recent times I probably haven't done because of the everyday stresses of life you have when you're married - bills, debts etc etc......I suppose you would say i've started taking her for granted and her me

 

How do I make things right? I love her and want to forgive her but don't know how I can make her agree to try and fix things.........our past is a real stumbling block as we've both hurt eachother when we were alot younger - she cheated on me previously when we'd been seeing eachother for a few years, this really knocked my self-esteem and to this day I think the mental scars are still there....on my side i've had depression and like a said low self-esteem for the last 10 years on and off which can make me a bit of a nightmare to live with because of all the ups and downs I go thru......so confused, my friends and family think alot of my mental issues are down to my partner because of the times she's cheated....Aarrrr my head is going to explode if I don't figure out what to do next

Edited September 30, 2010 by soma1980

[karnak]

Do you really want to save your marriage because you love or your wife?

 

Or, as it seems, you're just too scared of being single again?

 

I honestly think there's not much marriage here to salvage, IMO.

[hopesndreams]

I've been where you are and so have many others on this board. The ONLY thing that can possibly work, in getting her back, is if you think with your head and not your heart. Go against everything that you feel compelled to do. Do the exact opposite of what you are driven to do.

 

No begging, no pleading, no telling her you want her back without her experiencing the consequences for her actions.

 

She has cheated once before. She has known the guy from work and she claims to just have an emotional affair with him. I'm sorry, but cheaters lie, big time! It's all part of their MO. Keep in mind, she is willing to throw you away for this new fella and that means she has slept with him. No matter how you slice and dice it, it is fact the affair has turned physical.

 

You're reeling, you're hurt and you're desperate. DO NOT let her see how this is affecting you. It will only make you look weak in her eyes.

 

You can't compete with OM. Don't even try. There is no way she is going to give up on the OM because he is making her feel alive!!! I'm sorry that hurts BUT you didn't make her do this, it was her choice and her's alone. She is broken. Morally corrupt. Untrustworthy.

 

If by chance you do get her back it will only happen again without true remorse from her. Sure, she can say a million sorries til the cows come home, it won't make any difference to how she copes with stress or be bothered with how her actions hurt you. Why? Because cheaters are extremely selfish and cowardly. That is why you don't know the full truth.

 

Is she the same woman you knew back when? Is she the same woman you knew when you married her? The answer, sadly, is NO. Is she worthy of your love? What has she done to deserve it?

 

There is no mention of children. If there aren't any, I highly suggest you let her go. The battle to fight for her is not worth it.

 

This is the 180. By following this, you won't feel powerless. It can make her wonder and be curious about you which can pull her toward you. Doing anything else, will just push her away further.

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show her someone she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiiastic.

23. Do not argue about how she feels (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

[soma1980]

This no contact malarky is a nightmare!! All I want to do is phone her or text her or email her...i'm having to sit on my hands to stop myself!

 

I'm not the one in the wrong in all this yet i'm the one chasing...this is sssooooooo difficult

[tojaz]

This no contact malarky is a nightmare!! All I want to do is phone her or text her or email her...i'm having to sit on my hands to stop myself!

 

I'm not the one in the wrong in all this yet i'm the one chasing...this is sssooooooo difficult

 

First things first SOMA it isn't about right and wrong, if you go in with that attitude then your doomed to fail. Its about rebuilding, growing closer. The blame game is just going to dig a deeper hole.

 

NC is hell, and against every instinct your having right now, but it will help you. Want proof? I did all the things you want to do, think you need to do, and more! Im divorced!

 

That being said, I would suggest starting your own thread. Copy and paste your first post above to get you started. More people will read it that way too, and WN will have his thread back as well. Hope to hear more from you soon Soma and good luck.

 

TOJAZ

[SRV]

Sorry for what you are going through, however this is not the end of your life as we know it. I would strongly suggest that you read up on the 180 and since there was no mention of kids, I would suggest that you start emotionally detaching from her. You did mention that she cheated on you before and is doing it currently (trust she has already slept with the guy), she will do it again if you take her back. Good luck to you!

[willowthewisp]

The OM makes her special and important huh? So she is happy to have a man who is willing to cheat and commit adultery with a married women to give her a sense of self worth? The mind boggles at her warped logic here.

 

You are not to blame for your wifes cheating. Your low self-esteem is not to blame for your wifes cheating. SHE is to blame for her own behaviour. Love an commitment are so much more than feeling important or special, love is not a feeling, it is an action that you give, you love. Tell me, how is your wife being loving?

 

You deserve someone who appreciates you and the love you have to offer, not someone who is so completely focused on themself, a spoilt princess who NEEDS to feel special and important. Your wife has a large hole in her that she relies on a man to fill, she will chase to fill that hole repeatedely when, as is inevitable, every man 'lets her down'. That hole can only be filled from within because no man (or woman) is perfect.

 

Let her go...let her go and find out for herself what a mistake she has made, let her chase her rainbows and find yourself someone who is able to be a mature adult and love and commit with all of their heart and soul.

 

I know that is wasn't you want or need to hear, I know because I was in a similar place 19 months ago, but beleive me, she will not change - because she does not want to.

[You Go Girl]

She's in the affair "fog" as commonly called on LS. Or, in simplier terms, she can't see the forest for the trees. You can wait it out, and see how long it takes her to come down off her chemical high and put her feet back on the ground, or you can leave her. It could take her weeks or months, it could even take her years.

Both involve using the 180.

Tell her point blank that you love her, but you won't wait forever for her affair to be over and for her to realize that she loves you, and that the ball is in her court. Then walk away and keep contact to a minimum.

[boomboom63]

She's in the affair "fog" as commonly called on LS. Or, in simplier terms, she can't see the forest for the trees. You can wait it out, and see how long it takes her to come down off her chemical high and put her feet back on the ground, or you can leave her. It could take her weeks or months, it could even take her years.

Both involve using the 180.

Tell her point blank that you love her, but you won't wait forever for her affair to be over and for her to realize that she loves you, and that the ball is in her court. Then walk away and keep contact to a minimum.

 

nearly 3 years for my W

[soma1980]

Thanks for the replies people....nearly 3 days NC now, it's been a real struggle - my mobile sits there looking at me screaming 'txt her', 'phone her'!! I've resisted the temptation so far and have been thinking lots about whats happened and what SHE has done, it's still a bit raw and difficult to comprehend but i'm beginning to resent her rather than pine for her which I think is a good thing in a weird way.

 

I've just got off the phone to my sister and she's convinced I already seem happier than when we were together, living alone doesn't seem anywhere near as daunting as it did this time last week...in fact it's beginning to appeal!

 

One day at a time is the way i'm dealing with things at the moment, seems to be working

[Confused9]

Whatever you do, do not allow this woman to blame this affair soley on how you treated her or what you did. She made her own decision and could have communicated with you about the short comings of your relationship rather than stepping out with someone new. I think we are all so shocked in the beginning and so unsure of the future that we allow ourselves to believe this bull cr@p! I know I did and I find it sickening that people who cheat are so selfish they are willing to kick us while we are down.

 

Whatever you do, I say you run far away from thsi woman. She's cheated before, she'll cheat again and she's willing to throw away your marriage for a few butterflies and rainbows. Get yourself a good lawyer, throw yourself in to a few projects, do everything you can to make your life better and do not contact her!

 

You'll be okay.

[tojaz]

That being said, I would suggest starting your own thread. Copy and paste your first post above to get you started. More people will read it that way too, and WN will have his thread back as well. Hope to hear more from you soon Soma and good luck.

TOJAZ

 

Wow feeling stupid here. Different thread, same title. :rolleyes:

 

Thanks for the replies people....nearly 3 days NC now, it's been a real struggle - my mobile sits there looking at me screaming 'txt her', 'phone her'!! I've resisted the temptation so far and have been thinking lots about whats happened and what SHE has done, it's still a bit raw and difficult to comprehend but i'm beginning to resent her rather than pine for her which I think is a good thing in a weird way.

 

I've just got off the phone to my sister and she's convinced I already seem happier than when we were together, living alone doesn't seem anywhere near as daunting as it did this time last week...in fact it's beginning to appeal!

 

One day at a time is the way i'm dealing with things at the moment, seems to be working

 

One day at a time is all you can do. Your just starting this roller coaster, and your going to have strong days and some that are down right awful. All i can say is contacting her is definitely the wrong thing to do right now.

 

When I was going through that (the times i didn't slip up) I wrote id all down in a letter... never to be sent. It helps, if for no other reason then to help you organize your thoughts and keep perspective. Should you have the opportunity to speak hto her, you will have a clear head, because its all been in front of you the whole time.

 

TOJAZ

[soma1980]

She's in the affair "fog" as commonly called on LS. Or, in simplier terms, she can't see the forest for the trees. You can wait it out, and see how long it takes her to come down off her chemical high and put her feet back on the ground, or you can leave her. It could take her weeks or months, it could even take her years.

Both involve using the 180.

Tell her point blank that you love her, but you won't wait forever for her affair to be over and for her to realize that she loves you, and that the ball is in her court. Then walk away and keep contact to a minimum.

 

right, things av moved forward, I broke NC today to speak and it seems she's moving on from us with OM :-( it's over guys and i feel like I'm back to square one again!

 

I feel really angry again, Ive been considering emailing her boss at work copies of the emails I found which prove she was spending her working day messing about with this scumbag....should I send it? Really feel like I need to get some sort of revenge! I know this isn't healthy but she deserves to feel some pain in all of this.

 

I pray to god that this idiot treats her like sh@t once the honeymoon period ends and reality kicks in, I hope she gets to feel the pain that I've felt twice now at the hands of this selfish b1tch....my head is hurting again from all the thinking

[Owl]

 

Over the course of the next week we text and spoke on the phone and I begged her to come back because i'm so scared of losing her / being on my own, she says she needs time to think!! Eventually we've sat down and discussed everything properly for hours and decided to separate which is really NOT what I wanted, I was willing to forgive her for the sake of our marriage but it seems her head has been turned by this other person....she says he makes her feel special and important which admittedly in recent times I probably haven't done because of the everyday stresses of life you have when you're married - bills, debts etc etc......I suppose you would say i've started taking her for granted and her me

 

First off...women cannot love a man that they cannot respect.

 

Begging/pleading/going crazy to get her to come back will cause her to LOSE respect for you...and destroy any love she has for you.

 

Stop with that now. Back off, regroup, get your head together. Go see a counselor, help get some perspective on this...but stop letting her see how hurt you are right now.

 

How do I make things right? I love her and want to forgive her but don't know how I can make her agree to try and fix things.........our past is a real stumbling block as we've both hurt eachother when we were alot younger - she cheated on me previously when we'd been seeing eachother for a few years, this really knocked my self-esteem and to this day I think the mental scars are still there....on my side i've had depression and like a said low self-esteem for the last 10 years on and off which can make me a bit of a nightmare to live with because of all the ups and downs I go thru......so confused, my friends and family think alot of my mental issues are down to my partner because of the times she's cheated....Aarrrr my head is going to explode if I don't figure out what to do next

 

See my earlier comment about respect. A woman can't respect a man who accepts her cheating on him either.

 

Nor do I feel that someone who cheats multiple times will EVER be a good marriage partner.

 

I don't believe the "once a cheater, always a cheater" idea...but I DO believe "twice a cheater, always a cheater".

 

Like I said...get your feet under you. Stand up. Man up. Nothing wrong with seeing a counselor who can help you deal with all of this.

 

Tell your "wife" that if she needs time, then she's made her choice...and you expect her to file for divorce. Start seperating your stuff...starting with credit cards/bank accounts. Tell her that if she wants to explore life as a single person, she can do so completely without you supporting her.

 

I'm serious...not only will taking control back make YOU feel better, it will also make you LOOK better in everyone's eyes...even hers.