How to I deal with an abusive brother?

[health]

How can I deal with an abusive brother?

 

He's 30. I'm 28. We both live at home. I lived on my own for 2 years, but came back to save for a condo.

 

I just got layed off. Not a day went by and he's grilling me to get a new job. Of course I hustle - I apply to ten places everyday, but decided to take a crash course to teach english. I have money saved for a down payment.

 

He threatened to kill me before "Like Cain killed Able!"

 

Today he said he would kill me again, in front of my Mom - after I told him to shut up - he kept saying I'm nothing, I wont be anything and I'm garbage - so I told him to shut up! I value myself much more than to be treated like that.

 

He got up fuming and was ready to pummel me, my Mom was crying.

 

I told him if he threatens me one more time I'm calling the police. He said if you do that then your life will really be over.

 

Once a cop told me to be careful with domestic violence.

 

Today I am confident, because when I called the cops for options - they said it's good if they come to the apt, talk to him and me and write a record regarding it, to build history.

 

 

I don't want to deal with him at all - no talking, no looking at him, nothing, he is toxic, smokes ciggs weed, drinks...he works and hates his job...

 

He just always talks about me when he's in the living room, talking mean ****.

My sister and Mom are scared of him. He likes to trigger people.

 

My Dad lives elsewhere and told me today to call the cops next time, cause what he's doing is a criminal offence.

[amerikajin]

How can I deal with an abusive brother?

 

He's 30. I'm 28. We both live at home. I lived on my own for 2 years, but came back to save for a condo.

 

I just got layed off. Not a day went by and he's grilling me to get a new job. Of course I hustle - I apply to ten places everyday, but decided to take a crash course to teach english. I have money saved for a down payment.

 

He threatened to kill me before "Like Cain killed Able!"

 

Today he said he would kill me again, in front of my Mom - after I told him to shut up - he kept saying I'm nothing, I wont be anything and I'm garbage - so I told him to shut up! I value myself much more than to be treated like that.

 

He got up fuming and was ready to pummel me, my Mom was crying.

 

I told him if he threatens me one more time I'm calling the police. He said if you do that then your life will really be over.

 

Once a cop told me to be careful with domestic violence.

 

Today I am confident, because when I called the cops for options - they said it's good if they come to the apt, talk to him and me and write a record regarding it, to build history.

 

 

I don't want to deal with him at all - no talking, no looking at him, nothing, he is toxic, smokes ciggs weed, drinks...he works and hates his job...

 

He just always talks about me when he's in the living room, talking mean ****.

My sister and Mom are scared of him. He likes to trigger people.

 

My Dad lives elsewhere and told me today to call the cops next time, cause what he's doing is a criminal offence.

 

It's tough, but I think you need to call the cops if he does it. If you don't want to do it, then the only other option you have is to stay away from the home, in which case your family is cut off from you. If I had to guess, I suspect that this is what your brother wants. Your brother is probably jealous of you and your sister, feels like you all got more love and luck than he did, and now he's angry about it. I would probably call the cops but I would be prepared, too. He seems like he's in an agitated state.

[Green]

Whats the point of saving for a condo, u can get cheaper places and nice condos by just renting... now is not the time to buy unless u know u will live in a place FOREVER... and even then it might not be a good time to buy.

 

Just call the police on your brother if you feel threatned. He probably is going to beat the crap out of you soon if you don't.

[DaisyLeigh]

Call the cops on him. Press charges. Tell your mother to grow a set and throw his abusive ass out of the house.

[wuggle]

Leave. Rent somewhere else, even if it means it will take longer to get you own place. The guy sounds like he might actually end up being violent against one of you, if you are out of there, at least you would be able to supply a safe haven to your sister or mother if anything did get worse.

[health]

It's tough, but I think you need to call the cops if he does it. If you don't want to do it, then the only other option you have is to stay away from the home, in which case your family is cut off from you. If I had to guess, I suspect that this is what your brother wants. Your brother is probably jealous of you and your sister, feels like you all got more love and luck than he did, and now he's angry about it. I would probably call the cops but I would be prepared, too. He seems like he's in an agitated state.

 

I regret not filing a report that day, because now I have to wait if it happens again. I stay away from him as much as I can, even leave when he is home.

My friends say he is jealous of me.

 

My sister has been unemployed for over 10 years. She has her own issues.

Just now he left the house and when he did she screamed out "He does whatever he wants to!" - then she goes back to her room to sleep the day off again.

 

She feels like a prisoner - I believe I am responsible for all my life, including the situatin I'm in. He doesn't control my life.

 

Both him and I recently went thourgh a break up - I went through all my emotions - he bottled it all in and he just got worse.

 

I will be prepared to the call the police next time. I just hate this intense fear of him actually killing me. I don't want to think about it. I feel like he's ging to jump the beating up stage.

[health]

Whats the point of saving for a condo, u can get cheaper places and nice condos by just renting... now is not the time to buy unless u know u will live in a place FOREVER... and even then it might not be a good time to buy.

 

Just call the police on your brother if you feel threatned. He probably is going to beat the crap out of you soon if you don't.

 

I see what your saying about the condo. I will call the police for sure next time.

[health]

Call the cops on him. Press charges. Tell your mother to grow a set and throw his abusive ass out of the house.

 

I should have, now I feel it's too late to for that day. I was in the hallway about to call the cops that day when my Mom ran after me and told me not to - or he would break all the work I did on my computer over the past years. She's scared too.

 

My Dad recently told her - that she would have to call the cops as what he's doing is a criminal offense.

[health]

Leave. Rent somewhere else, even if it means it will take longer to get you own place. The guy sounds like he might actually end up being violent against one of you, if you are out of there, at least you would be able to supply a safe haven to your sister or mother if anything did get worse.

 

I am planning to leave. It's just in October I'm starting a one month training course for a job. I want to complete that, fine with no problems, then I'm leaving a.s.a.p.

 

Thank you all for your replies.

 

My solution is this - I will avoid him as much as possible.

If he acts up I will 100% call the police next time.

 

I will attend my course and complete it and then find my own place a.s.a.p.

 

Thank you all again. I'll let you know how it goes.

[wuggle]

Good luck. Just play it calm and nor rile him until you can get out. If someone has anger management issues still at that age then he will probably only sort himself out with professional help (ie counselling). Maybe when you do get a place you might be able to help your sis for a while (I don't know how old she is) until she can get her own place. Again, good luck.

[tornandmarried]

pretty pathetic......everyone nailed it with good advice....just wanted to say hes pathetic

[amerikajin]

I regret not filing a report that day, because now I have to wait if it happens again. I stay away from him as much as I can, even leave when he is home. My friends say he is jealous of me.

 

I wouldn't regret it. It might not necessarily have been a bad thing for you to cool off and collect your thoughts before doing something like this. You don't want to delay action forever, but you want to be prepared as much as possible for the different possible scenarios. This isn't an easy decision, to turn in your own family to authorities, so you're right not to take it lightly.

 

I don't know if jealousy accounts for all of it. I think it's a matter of not knowing what's wrong with his own life, but worse, a refusal to take responsibility for any part he has in the making of the world around him. It's that last part that is most troubling, because that is what allows him to create this bullsh*t world around him. That is what allows him to play the victim card, and to justify his own feelings and actions. He's using drugs to escape from reality. Meanwhile, he looks around and realizes that you're "winning" (because you're actually functional). So then he takes out his anger at you or his mom or whoever.

 

He is a difficult case. He needs professional treatment, obviously. It's getting in to see a professional that will probably prove to be the hard part, and even then, he has to be forced to accept responsibility for his behavior, which isn't guaranteed.

 

In the meantime, I think you have to protect your family. Move out and find a refuge spot for yourself, and anyone else who may need it. Good luck.

 

I will be prepared to the call the police next time. I just hate this intense fear of him actually killing me. I don't want to think about it. I feel like he's ging to jump the beating up stage.

 

I can understand the fear you must have. In reality, the actual chances of it happening are probably considerably lower than what he would have you believe, but it's good to take precautions.

[health]

Good luck. Just play it calm and nor rile him until you can get out. If someone has anger management issues still at that age then he will probably only sort himself out with professional help (ie counselling). Maybe when you do get a place you might be able to help your sis for a while (I don't know how old she is) until she can get her own place. Again, good luck.

 

I will do that. I agree what you said about the anger management issues. I've seen someone completely angry with emotional probelms at 60 years old - never taking time to acknowledge the problem. I have seen said person angry the same way at 50 - my Dad. He isn't so bad, he lives away from us anyway. The way I see it - if my brother's the way he is now - he will not change until he gets serious help.

 

My sister is in her late 30s. I keep stressing the importance of independence. I was for 2 years, and I still am now - I have the money to move out. I just need to finish this course first, which starts this month. Thank you for your reply.

[health]

pretty pathetic......everyone nailed it with good advice....just wanted to say hes pathetic

 

 

Agreed. Everyone has to tip toe around him when he's home, just this negative vibe. It's hard to function. Yet I know I'm still responsible to get my things done.

[health]

I wouldn't regret it. It might not necessarily have been a bad thing for you to cool off and collect your thoughts before doing something like this. You don't want to delay action forever, but you want to be prepared as much as possible for the different possible scenarios. This isn't an easy decision, to turn in your own family to authorities, so you're right not to take it lightly.

 

I don't know if jealousy accounts for all of it. I think it's a matter of not knowing what's wrong with his own life, but worse, a refusal to take responsibility for any part he has in the making of the world around him. It's that last part that is most troubling, because that is what allows him to create this bullsh*t world around him. That is what allows him to play the victim card, and to justify his own feelings and actions. He's using drugs to escape from reality. Meanwhile, he looks around and realizes that you're "winning" (because you're actually functional). So then he takes out his anger at you or his mom or whoever.

 

He is a difficult case. He needs professional treatment, obviously. It's getting in to see a professional that will probably prove to be the hard part, and even then, he has to be forced to accept responsibility for his behavior, which isn't guaranteed.

 

In the meantime, I think you have to protect your family. Move out and find a refuge spot for yourself, and anyone else who may need it. Good luck.

 

 

 

I can understand the fear you must have. In reality, the actual chances of it happening are probably considerably lower than what he would have you believe, but it's good to take precautions.

 

You're right, I'm happy I thought it over as well...to come to decision that next time, it's call the cops time for sure.

 

Oh he so doesn't take responsibility. He blames everything. He is also heavily into conspiracy theories and how the government is messed and he can't do anything etc etc...that's why it bothers me if he gets some sort of record regarding this he's gonna be crazy angry like that will stop him from getting a job - but the cops said its just a record to build history not a charge.

He's been quiet today, but I haven't seen his face since, nor do I want to.

 

Thank you so much for your advice.

 

By Dec this year I'm out of here no matter what.