Is it just me? or am i ill-treated?

[rebecca82]

Hi, I'm new here. I have no one to talk to or to vent. I have known my husband for 3 years and we are now married for 6 years. We have a 4 year old son. When you see my husband as in outside, he's all smile, rarely more than a few words and try to act polite. Everyone thinks he is such a nice guy and how lucky of me. But the person i married to inside is a gambler, selfish to the core and can never see fault in himself. Even if i ask him to apologize for saying hurting things or cursing and swearing at me, he would say i don't even know why i have to say sorry. He always has a way to say he is always right. I used to try to work things out with him, telling him, explaining to him why he should and should not say and do certain things and why we must always work things out. On top of being a selfish ***, he is irresponsible, never take charge of things, always ready to blame others, uncaring. When he gets sick or down with a flu, i would take care of him as i presume most people would do that, cook him broth get him medicines see he is comfortable, however, when i get sick he looks at me with hatred, he can't even be bothered asking how are you, instead he ask me to get this and that for him. You know i do not visualize myself growing old that way especially 30-40 years down the road. I am very unhappy with him. My son has learned to ignore me as my husband would ignore me, example, shall i prepare dinner now? are you hungry? no reply, i could ask him 10 times and he will only answer when he sees fit. My family did not see him that way or in those instants when he shows his true colour. Times i wish he's dead, or gone. Please give me some advice, any advice. Thank you so much for reading this. I just don't know what to do.

[Quigonquinn]

Hi there rebecca82

 

Okay, so before I reply I just like to say that I am being totally honest here and that I am coming from a generalist counsellors perspective. This means I have a basic understanding compared to a Psychologist.

 

So what I am about to say may be exactly what you already think and may sound like I am being hurtful. I am not trying to be hurtful only honest for the sake of support. Also I am a married male.

 

rebecca82 the relationship that you are in doesn't sound like a nice one for you. Part of spending your life with someone is being respected and loved by someone as you love and respect them. The relationship you have described is not a healthy one and you are actually the victim of a form of domestic violence.

 

All the things you have described are not things you as a loving wife and mother deserve in a relationship. All the things you have described are things that a partner should want to do for their wife eg, when you are sick, you deserve to be put in bed with a hot water bottle and had soup prepared and bought to you. You also deserved to be listened to and it is a basic human right to be considered an equal.

 

Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your husband feels this way and from what you say is unwilling to listen to your side of things and how you feel. It also, from what you are saying, sounds like he will be unwilling to change.

 

So if you are unhappy and consider this not what you want in a relationship and life, then you need to consider what you want as it is your right to have it. And from what your saying it sounds like you do know what you want.

 

Should you decide to leave take comfort in the fact that you have now tried everything to make things more just and even between you two, and remember that when considering how outsiders will see you in this. Once people find out what things are really like in your relationship they will understand your decision.

 

You also need to consider your son in all of this. He is starting to mimic his father as he considers this how people act in these situations. This is of course not true and while he is this young it is hard to explain things to him.

 

I recommend that you find a women's health centre near you and give them a call. Talking to a counsellor can be beneficial in giving you the strength you need right now. They will also be supporting you through the whole process, which is what you need and deserve.

 

Remember what you are feeling is normal and no matter what religion you are, marriage should be about two people wanting to spend their life together looking after one another because they would have it no other way.

 

Regards

[amerikajin]

You also need to consider your son in all of this. He is starting to mimic his father as he considers this how people act in these situations. This is of course not true and while he is this young it is hard to explain things to him.

 

This is spot on.

 

OP, you need to be a model for your child. Your son probably thinks that your father's behavior is normal male behavior, which it clearly isn't. I agree with Quig's suggestion of seeking outside help.