How to reject him without breaking his heart

[Life2B]

There's this guy that I've known since I was 12. Since then I've changed a lot. I started caring about what I wear and started doing my hair. I hadn't seen him for maybe 3 years when I saw him again last year. I didn't remember or recognize him at all until he told me about the times we talked (or at least he talked I was a very shy person apparently). I've opened up and become social. He studied math and since math is one of my weak points he offered to help me. He came to my house a few times to help me for which I'm very grateful. We became friends and went to some festivals together (with a few other friends). However... he always gives me subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) about that he wants more than friendship. He keeps asking me out (without saying that it's a date), I don't see it as more but I think he does. He keeps saying things like hey did you miss me or hey I missed you. Why don't you text me I haven't spoken to you for so long. And when I can't come sometimes he says ah but then I have to miss you for longer. (He always adds a smiley to make it funny somehow) I just either ignore these hints or just say things like oh you'll survive.

 

I feel like as long as he doesn't say to my face that he likes me I can't really reject him. I don't try to bring his hopes up and I try to make all our appointments with someone else as well so it's ot just the two of us. (last time I did that he said awww I thought I finally had a date, I didn't reply to that and he said oh you're not mad at me because of that joke right? I said no no it's fine whatever, or something like that)

 

My friends are saying that I shouldn't give him false hope and just reject him somehow. But I feel like I can't just say "I don't like you in that way" out of the blue... What should I do? I try to tell him about the guys I like and boyfriends and stuff hoping he'll get the hint but then he just happily says oh really? Tell me all about him! I really don't mind hanging out with him but I would feel a lot better if I knew he's really not after me in that way.

 

Any advice?

Edited October 1, 2010 by Life2B
typo

[carhill]

How long is 'since 12'?

 

Are you single? If you're not, then be direct about that. Obviously, your attractions are elsewhere and he should respect that.

 

If you are single (or if not and he doesn't respect your relationship boundaries) and feel you can't be direct with him, OK. Then, alternatively, cut him out of your life. Cease all contact.

 

You can't be responsible for the feelings of others, rather only taking healthy actions of your own accord. They feel the way they feel. Life goes on

[lizzy22w]

Oh goodness. I have had the same thing happen to me, and it is not fun. This guy I had known since for 10 years has been after me for 5 of them. We used to hang out, but when he started pursuing me, it kind of faded. So he would always message me, call me, asking me out," So when am I going to get that date?" He started to come to where I work to just talk, but I cannot talk at my job. Then one night he called me and just talked to me as a friend. It was nice, and then I accidentally blurted out that I worked on the doctor's side at a certain vision center. I go in 2 days later, and guess who has an appointment. Yep! So he keeps asking the whole time, and he even waits until I get off work (2 hours). I had told him before that I didn't like him like that, and I just wanted his friendship. He never let it go, so one day I made the biggest mistake and said "why not". It was nice, and even thought things might go somewhere, when on the way home he wanted to know who I was calling (it was my mom, telling her I was headed home). Actually he said," Do you really need to use that right now?"

 

So after that I told him I only wanted friendship, and that we could hang out. We did....and I found out that he thought it was another date. He started calling me every day, wanting to do something every day...and if I said no I would get a guilt trip. And then he tried to change his relationship status on facebook with me...and that is when things hit the fan. I calmly told him that I didn't want a relationship with him. He said he understood, and that was cool...and then not 30 seconds later, he would text me that I had taken a part of his soul. I am sorry, but that is psycho. especially when we have not even started a relationship yet. He told me he could not be my friend, because he only wanted something more, and I understood, so I cut him off. He tried to be my friend again 3 days later, but since then I have not taken any calls or texts. I don't need that kind of drama in my life.

 

So...to make a long story short...Tell him straight up that you are not trying to hurt his feelings, but that you are only interested in a friendship with him, and nothing else. It is better that he finds out now. If he cannot accept that and goes crazy, like my 'friend' did, then you will definately need to cut him off and move on. And if he says that he was only joking, then let him know that it makes you a little uncomfortable, because obviously it does. It is a difficult situation, because no on wants to hurt another, but it is better that they are hurt now when it is new to them, than when it has been a long time coming. I made the mistake of not cutting my 'friend' off, and I feel bad for hurting him, but I don't need that kind of drama in my life. Hope this helps!

[Life2B]

@carhill I'm 19 now. And I'm single right now.Thanks for the advice

 

@lizzy22w wow that sounds serious. I think my 'friend' would leave me alone if asked him to. He's very afraid of me hating him (he keeps mentioning that). He says he's just teasing me which is why I'm having a hard time responding in a serious way. Normally I just laugh it off. I think he's afraid of being rejected (with good reason). He doesn't stalk me like your 'friend' did. I think he doesn't want to scare me away...I will see if I can get a serious conversation about this out of him.. but it will be hard because for some reason I always feel awkward around him.

Edited October 1, 2010 by Life2B
typo

[lizzy22w]

@carhill I'm 19 now. And I'm single right now.Thanks for the advice

 

@lizzy22w wow that sounds serious. I think my 'friend' would leave me alone if asked him to. He's very afraid of me hating him (he keeps mentioning that). He says he's just teasing me which is why I'm having a hard time responding in a serious way. Normally I just laugh it off. I think he's afraid of being rejected (with good reason). He doesn't stalk me like your 'friend' did. I think he doesn't want to scare me away...I will see if I can get a serious conversation about this out of him.. but it will be hard because for some reason I always feel awkward around him.

I felt awkward around the guy I mentioned, after he started saying stuff like that, too. If he is going to be a real friend, then you definately don't want to feel awkward around him. Mention that fact as well.

[y2k]

There's this guy that I've known since I was 12. Since then I've changed a lot. I started caring about what I wear and started doing my hair. I hadn't seen him for maybe 3 years when I saw him again last year. I didn't remember or recognize him at all until he told me about the times we talked (or at least he talked I was a very shy person apparently). I've opened up and become social. He studied math and since math is one of my weak points he offered to help me. He came to my house a few times to help me for which I'm very grateful. We became friends and went to some festivals together (with a few other friends). However... he always gives me subtle hints (and not so subtle hints) about that he wants more than friendship. He keeps asking me out (without saying that it's a date), I don't see it as more but I think he does. He keeps saying things like hey did you miss me or hey I missed you. Why don't you text me I haven't spoken to you for so long. And when I can't come sometimes he says ah but then I have to miss you for longer. (He always adds a smiley to make it funny somehow) I just either ignore these hints or just say things like oh you'll survive.

 

I feel like as long as he doesn't say to my face that he likes me I can't really reject him. I don't try to bring his hopes up and I try to make all our appointments with someone else as well so it's ot just the two of us. (last time I did that he said awww I thought I finally had a date, I didn't reply to that and he said oh you're not mad at me because of that joke right? I said no no it's fine whatever, or something like that)

 

My friends are saying that I shouldn't give him false hope and just reject him somehow. But I feel like I can't just say "I don't like you in that way" out of the blue... What should I do? I try to tell him about the guys I like and boyfriends and stuff hoping he'll get the hint but then he just happily says oh really? Tell me all about him! I really don't mind hanging out with him but I would feel a lot better if I knew he's really not after me in that way.

 

Any advice?

 

Just a question. Why don't you like him??? Like what about him doesn't attract you in a potential romantic way??? Is it because he's not handsome enough??? Is it his way of being???? etc. And be honest.

[skydiveaddict]

But I feel like I can't just say "I don't like you in that way" out of the blue... What should I do?

 

Any advice?

 

You are searching for an answer that doesn't exist.

Tell him you "don't like him in that way."

 

Then his feelings will be hurt and you will feel bad.

Welcome to the real world

Edited October 14, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[TouchedByViolet]

You are searching for an answer that doesn't exist.

Tell him you "don't like him in that way."

 

Then his feelings will be hurt and you will feel bad.

Welcome to the real world

 

Perfect advice.

[theodora]

I agree with Carhill. Probably the easiest thing to do in the long run is just not to be friends with him. It seems harsh, but he doesn't really want to be friends. He wants more. You don't want more. He will be hurt. But since you know he likes you in that way, and you don't like him, that is inevitable.

 

You aren't responsible. But you'll start to feel it if you let it go on, and that's not healthy for either of you.

 

It's not easy, because you probably do like him as a friend. But in my experience of this situation, you never end up with a friend at the end of it, whatever you decide to do. Because he doesn't really want to be friends.

 

Friends want to be friends. And nothing more. As soon as people want more, it ceases to be friendship.

 

He'll get over it. And you'll free him up to meet someone who returns his affections. So really, when it comes down to it, you are doing him a favour. Which is the good friend thing to do.

 

Good luck!