More than ever I'm having serious suicidal thoughts

[Not the love ace]

I hate to say this but lately I've been way too depressed and its pushing me over the edge. I've noticed that I'm either really happy or extremely depressed and I just want to give up on everything at times.

 

I hate having these major differences in attitude because it reminds me of my mother, who is depressed and takes anti-depressants and her attitude is ALWAYS shifting and when she is depressed she can be terrible to be around. That's not what I want to be or who I want to be. The difference with me is that no matter how I feel, I continue to be optimistic with everyone else and never let my "dark side" rub off on everyone else. I never, NEVER try to bring anyone down with me, unless they fully deserve it.

 

The reason why I've been suicidal is because I feel empty in life, I feel like I belong no where and I'm just looking for a place to belong, I'm looking for self-importance, I'm looking to be wanted and I never feel that way. I always feel like I'm an afterthought or a plan B. My family treats me like I have nothing better to do with my life and doesn't respect me no matter how much I succeed at obtaining my goals or how much I move on in my life. I've always been the ass of all jokes and they only show me love when I do something for them.

 

My family always looks at me as the let-down, the screw up, the loser in life and I can't disagree with them. My father can care less about me and has abused me severely when I was a kid and still thinks nothing of me. I'm just a trophy to him. My mother loves me but only because I do everything for her and my sister loves me only when I do things for her.

 

My friends can care less about me and only want me around as a bodyguard, protector, chauffeur and like my family; only calls me when they are depressed and need someone to talk to and when they need someone to help them with something. However, when parties and get together go down I'm either the last to be invited (no biggie there) or not invited at all (which hurts). As a matter of fact, as of today I have no friends. I was dropped because I spoke my mind and the TRUTH about one friend and so since they don't like being honest, I was dropped.

 

I don't understand, I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot of things I have to work on but I feel like my pros outweigh my cons by a mile. At least when it comes to other people. I'm really respectful, very understanding, really laid back, never judge people and make them feel bad about who they are, and I fit in mostly anywhere and with anyone. I give everyone a chance and like to socialize with people of different walks of life as long as they give me the same respect.

 

I look around in life sometimes and notice people who aren't the nicest, who aren't the greatest human beings but people want to hangout with them, people want to be their friend, want their company, they are important and people desire them.

 

I'm tired of being home on the weekends and my phone doesn't ring and no one contacts me. When I do get a call, its my mother and she wants to bug me to get her cigs, OTC pills and make me more depressed. My mother never helps, when she is depressed and she see's I am depressed she wants to make it even more depressing.

 

I hate being home on a week night lying to myself. Telling myself things will be okay and I can hang with myself. I play video games, workout and listen to music but its just like a drug. It gives me a false sense of hope that things will be better.

 

I'm 24 and since I was 8 years old I always looked at the sunny side and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I start to see that light dimming and I'm just going to be trapped in a dark tunnel of depression, self doubt, lack of love for myself and suicide.

 

It seems the only way I can get some attention is to make people feel bad for me, like doing this. I'm sure people will either read it and try to make me happy or tell me to shut up and move on with my life. I know I shouldn't even be typing this and its a waste of time.

 

However, this is my last resort to get help. I tried everything; therapist, psychiatrist. I refuse to go on meds because I'll get out of shape and be more depressed. I just feel extremely hopeless and just see nothing going on for me. I just feel like a ghost-I'm there but I'm not there.

 

I do everything I can to make myself happy and others happy but I guess is a two way street in the sense that I just fail to find a place of happiness. Acceptance and belonging.

 

I can't deny myself any longer, I used to say cliche stuff like "Who needs friends", "Friends are overrated", "Those who are alone are the strongest" but its all B.S.. If I don't have anyone, if I don't have the love or acceptance than I just feel empty.

 

I'm numb to all this, I can't even cry to myself anymore. I just don't want to be a walking waste of DNA, taking up space and time. So I sit home or take long walks and thoughts of suicide just pour through my head. I know I won't act on it but I'm really careless if I live nowadays. I can care less about my life and well being.

 

I don't know how else to release this feeling, so I just vented.

[lilbunny]

Please don't ignore these feelings and hope they will go away. They can easily escalate and lead to action if left unchecked. Take these early warning signs seriously.

 

Please see your GP as soon as you can. I think you need a referral and some professional support to deal with these feelings and the causes. They may suggest some medication and other therapies to support that.

 

I am sure some people with the best intentions will come along and make some judgements about the nature of your problem. Please consult a professional and have a proper assessment.

 

In the meantime try and identify particularly low points and any patterns in this and try to find ways to avoid the situation, or have a strategy in place to get through that time. Sadly depression and related conditions can run in families and you may not be best equipped to deal with someone else with these feelings. If you don't have anyone you can call please at least come here if things become really bad.

 

I am sorry that you are feeling this way. These things can improve and that is all the more likely with some professional support.

[Not the love ace]

Thank you for replying. I want to seek help but I am really afraid of the past. When I was young I dealt with psychiatrist and it was a nightmare and I hate going back and forth between "loony bins" and being around other depressed people. It depresses me more that I see myself becoming like my mother and I just end up being more of an unhappy person everyday.

 

I DO NOT want to be this way, I really want to be happy and live life and enjoy the good things. The problem is I hate having these extreme attitudes, I rather just be happy. I hate being happy one minute and then the very next day I'm in a tunnel of darkness. It kills me. I try to ignore these problems because my mother has issues of her own and so does my grandmother and everyone else in my life is too occupied with their problems to bother with mine.

 

I also try and not be the person with issues so I keep it all inside and try to be a positive person for everyone and those that don't have anyone to be positive for them. However, sometimes I feel like I really need help myself but I just don't know where to turn to.

 

I take martial arts and do physical training and I love it and do other stuff that's risky like rock climbing and spelunking and plenty of other stuff and its a great way to make me feel alive. Though that has been a substitute for helping me with my pain I still need people in my life and really would like human physical contact, someone to talk to me and make me feel better.

 

*Sigh*. I sit here right now just a miserable mess. Home alone, on a beautiful Friday night, while everyone is out with their friends, and all my friends are out celebrating and having the time of their life-I'm inside my dark apartment having thoughts of suicide.

[lilbunny]

Thank you for replying. I want to seek help but I am really afraid of the past. When I was young I dealt with psychiatrist and it was a nightmare and I hate going back and forth between "loony bins" and being around other depressed people. It depresses me more that I see myself becoming like my mother and I just end up being more of an unhappy person everyday.

 

This is an important step. Recognising there is a problem is a vital step and you have already made that. I am sorry you have had a negative experience in the past.

 

I DO NOT want to be this way, I really want to be happy and live life and enjoy the good things. The problem is I hate having these extreme attitudes, I rather just be happy. I hate being happy one minute and then the very next day I'm in a tunnel of darkness. It kills me. I try to ignore these problems because my mother has issues of her own and so does my grandmother and everyone else in my life is too occupied with their problems to bother with mine.

 

Have you ever tried cognitive therapy? It is all about changing your way of thinking in situations. There are lots of different behavioural and talking therapies available (on the NHS if you are in the UK). GPs can make these referrals often without a psychiatric consultation. Sorry if you are not in the UK, I don't know the process.

 

I also try and not be the person with issues so I keep it all inside and try to be a positive person for everyone and those that don't have anyone to be positive for them. However, sometimes I feel like I really need help myself but I just don't know where to turn to.

 

Everyone needs some form of emotional support at some point in their lives. It is nothing to be ashamed of and I would be more inclined to be concerned about someone in my life who is always ok, it isn't healthy to never show any negative feelings at all. Do you have anyone around who you feel you could at least have as an emergency contact if you have feelings of self harm. If not there are agencies such as the Samaritans and some mental health charities who you could call. If you feel overwhelmed and are on your own that emergency plan is really important.

 

I take martial arts and do physical training and I love it and do other stuff that's risky like rock climbing and spelunking and plenty of other stuff and its a great way to make me feel alive. Though that has been a substitute for helping me with my pain I still need people in my life and really would like human physical contact, someone to talk to me and make me feel better.

 

There is a good deal of evidence to support physical activity has positive benefits for sufferers of depression and a wide range of conditions. You might also want to consider a creative outlet, such as an art class. It is an alternative way to express yourself.

 

*Sigh*. I sit here right now just a miserable mess. Home alone, on a beautiful Friday night, while everyone is out with their friends, and all my friends are out celebrating and having the time of their life-I'm inside my dark apartment having thoughts of suicide.

 

Hey, I'm home alone tonight too. I have my feet up on a comfy sofa, control of my TV, I can listen to whatever music I choose, eat at whatever late hour I choose, slob around in a very comfy pair of pjs if I like and go to bed when I am good and ready. My evening is no different to yours, but it is the thought process about the same thing that is different, a reason cognitive therapy may be beneficial.

 

This is broad advice, no substitute for a proper consultation, but some food for thought.

 

Mental health is as much a medical condition as a broken leg and you wouldn't expect that to get better without some intervention! Please remember this is not your fault, but there really is real and genuine improvement possible with the right treatment and even full and complete recovery without relapse is possible.

[Not the love ace]

Lilbunny, thank you a ton for your feedback and response it truly means a lot to me.

 

I'm definitely going to look thoroughly into this therapy and give it another shot. Look for something that feels right.

 

I'm tired of feeling hopeless but I just feel like if I don't go through life without anyone then what's the purpose of living? I've been lonely for the longest time and used to be alone and at times its not a bad thing. Its good to hangout with yourself sometimes but I think some people just don't understand that I saw I'm alone by myself WAY too much.

 

I find myself being way too lonely at times and it kills me. There's times where I get fits of rage and anger and I just feel like harming myself or breaking something just to let out my anger. I seriously need help because I know that I'm going to do something stupid soon. I just can't take it anymore, this time for sure I know I lost my breaking point.

[shayan]

I wrote this for someone else but I think it will help you.

 

my friend,

 

 

 

depression is something very difficult to cope with and you have my symphathy. However, I feel that depression is only partly neurochemical but also reinforced by negatively learned thought patterns. So I think what you need to do is start re-wiring your brain for more positive and empowering thoughts. You need to find a way to battle your depression from the inside and force it out of your mind as much as possible. I think you can conqeur major depression with a lot of effort and time. I think you need to become your new best friend.

 

Here's where you should start:

 

read your sacred self by Wayne Dyer as you are trying my suggestions.

 

Start developing a more kind and nurturing inner voice: develop a voice (perhaps an old child hood friend or coach, or yourself after you've conqured depression), which is optimistic and kind and focused on helping you be happy and complete. And example would be if one if someone says something demaing to you, your voice responds:

 

"that's not true you are a very kind and intelligent person, they are only attacking you because that is their own nature and fault"

 

Next begin doing positive affirmation meditation: just youtube it there are many good meditations with strong positive affirmations, repeat the affirmations to yourself confidently.

 

Use positive visualization: visualize yourself slowly meeting your future goals (perhaps becoming more social, and befirending new people, and maybe finding a girfriend, accomplishing something you've always wanted to) and healing from this depression.

 

Slowly become more socially outgoing: I think a lot of your sorrow comes from your distance from human contact. I want you to slowly start educating yourself online or asking people you know, how to become more socially outgoing. Then I want you to make a plan of action and slowly work on building your social confidence and connecting with new people.

 

Learn to love yourself with this depression: I think the best way to be positive is to learn to love yourself just as you are. You may think this is impossible because you are so sad, and you also would no longer be motivated to change. But, its the complete opposite you need to form a strong and loving bond with yourself for two reasons. First just because it will make you a much more content person, and second because then you will have a more stable foundation to battle your depression.

 

Excercise: endorphins will naturally relieve stress and minor pain.

 

Be patient with yourself: it took ten years for you to plunge this deeply into

[whichwayisup]

Please don't give up on yourself..Or therapy. Sorry you had a bad experience, but I will promise you, when you find the right person you can trust and open up to, it'll help so much. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is something to look into. I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks, realized it was getting worse and worse.. I had to go through 3 different therapists before I found one I liked and connected with. She was wonderful and helped me so much! Look in your local yellowpages, or phone book for these type of therapists in your area, your local hospitals, college/universities, smaller medical clinics as well.

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

 

I know this is easier said than done, but try your best to see your mom and family in a different light. It's almost like you need to detach and not care anymore, put yourself first and not worry about getting their approval. Say NO once in a while. It's something eventually you need to do for yourself, set boundries that they can't cross so they won't take advantage of you, or make you feel bad. Don't give them that power!

 

Everybody has given you some wonderful advice, and I hope you feel better, have a good day tomorrow. Take each day as it comes and please, don't do something that you can't take back. If you feel really awful and feel suicidal, reach out for help, call 911 or go to the hospital.. YOU are a special person, and have a loving heart. YOU are worth it, and life wouldn't be the same if you did something you could never take back!

[Angel1111]

I can totally understand why you feel the way you do. You're disconnected from your family, you're a survivor of abuse, and have no friends. This is a very bad position to be in and anyone would feel sad and hopeless just like you do. But I hope that you won't give up because you have the potential to have a beautiful life. I hate that you're feeling this way but things can always turn around.

 

You know, you may not be a religious person but even if you're not, you might want to consider going to a church nearby. The reason I say that is because churches can offer a great deal of connections with others and can give you a sense of belonging. Maybe try out a few churches to see if any of them resonate with you. I think you need to start creating new relationships for yourself - healthy relationships; and a new life in a sense, because your family is toxic to your well-being and sense of worth. Just know that you're not just taking up space - you have something to offer someone, it's just a matter of finding the special person you're looking for, and finding a group of people who can give you a sense of belonging, some kindness, and caring. Please stay in touch. Hugs, sweetie.

[skydiveaddict]

You MUST get help for this at once. Suicidal thoughts are nothing to fool around with

[Not the love ace]

Thanks everyone for responding and being supportive. As of right now, I feel kind of worst. I'm feeling pretty numb, I haven't eaten in over 26 hours and I hardly slept. I went on my AIM account and all my friends had updates about what a wonderful night they had and how much fun it was. It made me even more depressed because since I have been axed, shunned and ignored from the group. They have the time of their life and I sit at home soaking and sobbing hating myself.

 

My phone finally rings but of course its from a "friend" and family members who needs my help for something. My "friend" and my uncle want me to help them move and my sister wants me to do something that's totally her responsibility that she's been trying to pin on me, its so exasperating. Its a beautiful day outside and I don't even care. Its gotten so bad that I'm ashamed to show my face, I feel embarrassed and weak. I just want to stay inside the house and sleep; wrapped up in my blanket and escape to some illusion of happiness.

 

I really want to give up on myself right now and I really, really don't care about anything at the moment. Nothing is making me happy. My music doesn't make me happy, my young brothers, drawing, exercising nothing. Everything I once used as a release from my depression has been nullified. My depression and suicidal thoughts is the world I live in now and any positive thoughts are actions seemed overwhelmed by these dark and negative feelings.

[lilbunny]

Thanks everyone for responding and being supportive. As of right now, I feel kind of worst. I'm feeling pretty numb, I haven't eaten in over 26 hours and I hardly slept. I went on my AIM account and all my friends had updates about what a wonderful night they had and how much fun it was. It made me even more depressed because since I have been axed, shunned and ignored from the group. They have the time of their life and I sit at home soaking and sobbing hating myself.

 

There is some wonderful and positive advice on this thread. If people are true friends then there is a way to reconnect, if not then is it a real loss? Please try and eat something and get some sleep, it will help you to feel better.

 

My phone finally rings but of course its from a "friend" and family members who needs my help for something. My "friend" and my uncle want me to help them move and my sister wants me to do something that's totally her responsibility that she's been trying to pin on me, its so exasperating. Its a beautiful day outside and I don't even care. Its gotten so bad that I'm ashamed to show my face, I feel embarrassed and weak. I just want to stay inside the house and sleep; wrapped up in my blanket and escape to some illusion of happiness.

 

Look at doing something for others as positive, something you can feel good about, 'I helped someone today' can be a good feeling. These are the sorts of thought processes that you can change. Try to reverse it, what would someone in a positive frame of mind think about a situation? You might not believe it from the start, but just acknowledging that it can be seen differently is a good start.

 

Someone said earlier you need to be your own best friend. If it is a beautiful day go out for a walk. Enjoy your own company and surroundings. You never know who you might meet on the way and if that happens to be nobody, you have still enjoyed the outing.

 

I really want to give up on myself right now and I really, really don't care about anything at the moment. Nothing is making me happy. My music doesn't make me happy, my young brothers, drawing, exercising nothing. Everything I once used as a release from my depression has been nullified. My depression and suicidal thoughts is the world I live in now and any positive thoughts are actions seemed overwhelmed by these dark and negative feelings.

 

Stay in touch, I really hope you seek some support soon. I think you need some.

 

((hugs))

[Not the love ace]

Thanks everyone again.

 

Today I feel a little better. I went for a nature walk through a park which leads into the woods and it was nice being around the creek and animals and the sound of the trees. It relieved me a little bit. However, I sat by the creek and since there was no one around I completely broke down and cried. It was actually something that felt relieving and I felt like I finally let a lot out. However, I still felt like taking a rock or stone and bludgeoning myself to death or toss myself over a cliff.

 

Of course I couldn't come close to acting on it but I can't shake this feeling off me for nothing. I felt a quick burst of confidence and happiness for one moment but all that went away within a few minutes.

 

I tried reaching out to one of the very few friends I have left but they are too occupied and unless I literally cry out to them or tell them I'm close to doing some severe; will they listen. Plus, they have way more important things going on so I know I'm on the bottom of the list.

 

I don't know what to do, I'm not feeling any emotion. I'm not even hungry, thirsty nothing. This is just terrifying for me, I just feel like I'm slipping into a black hole.

[Angel1111]

I don't think it's necessary to tell your friend that you're having horrible thoughts - although there's no problem with that if you do - but I do think it's necessary for you to at least let her know that you're going through a very bad time and that you really need a friend right now. Even if that makes you cry and she knows you're crying - she'll get the message. Most people would be more than happy to move their schedules around to help a person who's feeling bad.

 

I'm just so sad for you and I want you to hang in there because I don't believe these feelings will last forever. And I hope you know that those of us on this site are limited as to how much we can help you.

 

But like I said before, I think you need to create a new life outside of the dysfunctional people in your life now. Your parents have ripped your self-esteem to shreds and you're going to need to rise above this. As I mentioned before, finding a nice church to go to would be a good place to start - unless that really doesn't suit you. They're usually very welcoming and friendly. There are also other groups perhaps that you could join and start going out with other people and developing new friendships.

 

I'm sorry you had a bad day but I'm glad there was a little glimmer of happiness. Hang in there, sweetie, we're all thinking of you here and we care so much.

[Not the love ace]

And I hope you know that those of us on this site are limited as to how much we can help you.

 

I totally understand that. I don't expect anyone to fix my problems and it means more than enough that there's at least people hearing me out. Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

Checking in on you, Love - Hope you've had more positive days and are feeling better. Come post back soon!

 

We all do care and I'm glad you're able to open up and ask for help on here, and offer you support.

[Not the love ace]

I did something really bad. I took some drugs and tried to jump over a bridge. I chickened out and broke down. I'm really messed up.

[whichwayisup]

Please, tomorrow (or tonight) go to your local hospital and get yourself checked in. you need to be assessed and need someone to help you now. This is serious stuff. I'm really worried about you Love. Call 911 if need be, but please, reach out for help.

[whichwayisup]

I know right now you feel awful and feel there's no way out. Your frame of mind isn't healthy and it's spiralling downward.

 

The thing is, remember the other day you actually felt good and felt happiness? Once you get the help you need, talk therapy and meds, you WILL feel so much better and see that the frame of mind you're in now isn't forever..Even though it may seem like it'll never stop. It will. Trying to kill yourself isn't the answer! I'm glad you chickened out. ((LOVE)) x100 since you need a bunch of hugs.

[skydiveaddict]

I did something really bad. I took some drugs and tried to jump over a bridge. I chickened out and broke down. I'm really messed up.

 

 

Dude, if you really tried that tonight,and were serious, then you MUST go straight to the hospital. There is no other way out of this. You MUST get help that you need. Believe me it is out there for you. I came back from the war a serious mess. But I got help, and now I'm good to go. The same thing can happen for you, but YOU must do it. There must be that last spark in your soul that wants to hang on to life. Use it to get well, cause you can

[denise_xo]

I did something really bad. I took some drugs and tried to jump over a bridge. I chickened out and broke down. I'm really messed up.

 

Please, go to your local hospital asap. There is professional help around, ask for it loud and clear. You don't have to feel this way, and there is a way out. Lots of hugs to you.

[skydiveaddict]

denise is right. go for help NOW

[denise_xo]

I did something really bad. I took some drugs and tried to jump over a bridge. I chickened out and broke down. I'm really messed up.

 

I tried to kill myself with drugs years back. It's a totally ****ty state to be in and it feels completely hopeless but there is a way out. I'm living a fairly peaceful and content life now. It takes a bit of work but lots of people make that transition at some point in their life with some help from meds, therapy and other kinds of support. You can do it.

[skydiveaddict]

Yes,and you MUST do it! No more waiting, right now! You only get one chance in this life, see that you get yours

Edited October 5, 2010 by skydiveaddict

[lilbunny]

I agree with everyone else here. You MUST seek help and support from a professional asap. Don't let this escalate again. Take care of yourself ((hugs))

[Spark1111]

I did something really bad. I took some drugs and tried to jump over a bridge. I chickened out and broke down. I'm really messed up.

 

Hi N love ace!

 

I, for one am so glad you are still here.

 

You seem like a nice person, and the world needs all the nice people it has.

 

I know that whatever is causing you pain right now, may not be there tomorrow, next week or a month from now.

 

Your pain could be gone and you will wake up happy and happy to be here.

 

Lots of people have thoughts like you did, but you do not have to have them tommorrow.

 

What if it is as simple as a medication?

 

Please talk to a trusted adult or friend, or doctor or nurse right now.

 

They will have to help you right now.

 

And it will be okay, as long as you tell someone now.

 

Who is closest to you right now? Is it a friend? A teacher? A family member?

 

Tell them right now. And tell them you need a ride to the nearest Emergency Room.

 

It will be okay, as long as you talk to someone who can help you.

Right now, okay?