More than ever I'm having serious suicidal thoughts

[whichwayisup]

Love ace, come check in soon. I'm worried about you!

[MexicanBillBacker]

I hate to say this but lately I've been way too depressed and its pushing me over the edge. I've noticed that I'm either really happy or extremely depressed and I just want to give up on everything at times.

 

I hate having these major differences in attitude because it reminds me of my mother, who is depressed and takes anti-depressants and her attitude is ALWAYS shifting and when she is depressed she can be terrible to be around. That's not what I want to be or who I want to be. The difference with me is that no matter how I feel, I continue to be optimistic with everyone else and never let my "dark side" rub off on everyone else. I never, NEVER try to bring anyone down with me, unless they fully deserve it.

 

The reason why I've been suicidal is because I feel empty in life, I feel like I belong no where and I'm just looking for a place to belong, I'm looking for self-importance, I'm looking to be wanted and I never feel that way. I always feel like I'm an afterthought or a plan B. My family treats me like I have nothing better to do with my life and doesn't respect me no matter how much I succeed at obtaining my goals or how much I move on in my life. I've always been the ass of all jokes and they only show me love when I do something for them.

 

My family always looks at me as the let-down, the screw up, the loser in life and I can't disagree with them. My father can care less about me and has abused me severely when I was a kid and still thinks nothing of me. I'm just a trophy to him. My mother loves me but only because I do everything for her and my sister loves me only when I do things for her.

 

My friends can care less about me and only want me around as a bodyguard, protector, chauffeur and like my family; only calls me when they are depressed and need someone to talk to and when they need someone to help them with something. However, when parties and get together go down I'm either the last to be invited (no biggie there) or not invited at all (which hurts). As a matter of fact, as of today I have no friends. I was dropped because I spoke my mind and the TRUTH about one friend and so since they don't like being honest, I was dropped.

 

I don't understand, I know I'm not perfect. I have a lot of things I have to work on but I feel like my pros outweigh my cons by a mile. At least when it comes to other people. I'm really respectful, very understanding, really laid back, never judge people and make them feel bad about who they are, and I fit in mostly anywhere and with anyone. I give everyone a chance and like to socialize with people of different walks of life as long as they give me the same respect.

 

I look around in life sometimes and notice people who aren't the nicest, who aren't the greatest human beings but people want to hangout with them, people want to be their friend, want their company, they are important and people desire them.

 

I'm tired of being home on the weekends and my phone doesn't ring and no one contacts me. When I do get a call, its my mother and she wants to bug me to get her cigs, OTC pills and make me more depressed. My mother never helps, when she is depressed and she see's I am depressed she wants to make it even more depressing.

 

I hate being home on a week night lying to myself. Telling myself things will be okay and I can hang with myself. I play video games, workout and listen to music but its just like a drug. It gives me a false sense of hope that things will be better.

 

I'm 24 and since I was 8 years old I always looked at the sunny side and saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Now, I start to see that light dimming and I'm just going to be trapped in a dark tunnel of depression, self doubt, lack of love for myself and suicide.

 

It seems the only way I can get some attention is to make people feel bad for me, like doing this. I'm sure people will either read it and try to make me happy or tell me to shut up and move on with my life. I know I shouldn't even be typing this and its a waste of time.

 

However, this is my last resort to get help. I tried everything; therapist, psychiatrist. I refuse to go on meds because I'll get out of shape and be more depressed. I just feel extremely hopeless and just see nothing going on for me. I just feel like a ghost-I'm there but I'm not there.

 

I do everything I can to make myself happy and others happy but I guess is a two way street in the sense that I just fail to find a place of happiness. Acceptance and belonging.

 

I can't deny myself any longer, I used to say cliche stuff like "Who needs friends", "Friends are overrated", "Those who are alone are the strongest" but its all B.S.. If I don't have anyone, if I don't have the love or acceptance than I just feel empty.

 

I'm numb to all this, I can't even cry to myself anymore. I just don't want to be a walking waste of DNA, taking up space and time. So I sit home or take long walks and thoughts of suicide just pour through my head. I know I won't act on it but I'm really careless if I live nowadays. I can care less about my life and well being.

 

I don't know how else to release this feeling, so I just vented.

 

 

How old are you friend?

[whichwayisup]

Okay, I really hope you haven't checked back on LS because you went to the hospital and are getting the help you need.

 

Feel better soon LOVE.

[skydiveaddict]

Okay, I really hope you haven't checked back on LS because you went to the hospital and are getting the help you need.

.

 

 

Me too...............

[Not the love ace]

Ugh. I messed up. I took some drugs and I tried to commit suicide but chickened out again. I was sent to a hospital and was referred to see a therapist or something closer to my area. I'm more saddened because everyone is pissed at me and doesn't want to talk to me right now. I'm seriously hitting a all time low and can't take it anymore, sorry to say. I'm tired of being left alone in this world. Being lonely is something I can't deal with and its getting to me. I just feel invisible and misplaced in this world and feel like I do nothing but make people miserable. I feel like I always lose the good things in my life and can never have a consistent good things. I never have consistent friends, never have consistent love, never have consistent anything.

 

I rather be dead than be a miserable walking life form living the rest of my life in misery. I rather be dead than do nothing good for anyone or thing on this Earth. I rather be dead than have then to have people look at me everyday in disgust. I don't want to be in anyone's way and if I die that's one more person who doesn't belong on this Earth gone. More space for everyone else in this world.

 

It sucks that no one cares about you until something serious happens or until your dead but it sucks even more that if you were to die no one would care. I'm part B, in that no one would care if I die. I'm just so miserable that I can't see any good.

 

I've lost myself. All the optimism I have is gone, all the hope I have is gone. I'm gone. I used to be a neat freak but now I'm a slob, I used to go to the gym and be a health nut but I eat like a careless hog, I used to write and be creative but now I don't have any creativity, I used to be very careful of my hygiene but I hardly shower, change clothes or brush my teeth. I used to be tentative and the protector of my family but now I'm just there. I used to be a really hard worker but now I'm just a shadow of my former self in every way of the word.

 

I don't hate my life ironically. I appreciate everything I've had in my life-all the small and all the big things, all the good and bad memories but I just don't fit in or belong in this Earth. I don't contribute anything and there's people out there who deserve a whole heck of a lot more of than I do. People who appreciate all the little things and they deserve my spot and to flourish with it.

 

I'm just a floating spec in this world and I want to just..die I guess. I don't want to be a pathetic charity case or a piece of garbage left on the side of the road that no one cares about.

[Star Gazer]

Hey Ace... How are you? Please call this number ASAP: 1-800-273-8255

 

And of course, we're here for you too, and we care. Please call.

 

((HUG))

[denise_xo]

I rather be dead than be a miserable walking life form living the rest of my life in misery. I rather be dead than do nothing good for anyone or thing on this Earth. I rather be dead than have then to have people look at me everyday in disgust. I don't want to be in anyone's way and if I die that's one more person who doesn't belong on this Earth gone. More space for everyone else in this world.

 

It sucks that no one cares about you until something serious happens or until your dead but it sucks even more that if you were to die no one would care. I'm part B, in that no one would care if I die. I'm just so miserable that I can't see any good.

 

.

 

Ntla, these kind of sentiments are very typical of deep depression and suicidal feelings, and don't reflect reality. When are you seeing your therapist?

[scatterd]

I am so sorry for your pain sometimes life does not seem to fair but do go see someone exsperienced and do not be affraid.I know it seems no one cares but sometimes people get caught up in their own problems and dont realize how they make you feel.You are not a bad person and do not allow anyone to make you feel second best.It seems when you are at your lowest

everyone is least understanding but after you get your body balenced you will

see things different.Anytime you need to talk to someone come here their is plenty of people here that will try to help you.know that you are a good person and no one is perfect.I know it is hard to find the energy to get get the help you need but do ask for help.big hugs and I wish you well you are not alone

[Not the love ace]

Ntla, these kind of sentiments are very typical of deep depression and suicidal feelings, and don't reflect reality. When are you seeing your therapist?

 

I know. Deep down I don't want to die yet, I really don't want to. It's just that I feel so weak against the world right now, I feel disgusting and I lately when I walk around I wear a hoodie to cover my face and I never done that. I've been more depressed than I ever imagined and its just like I feel like I have no meaning in my life anymore. Last night I had terrible nightmares and cried all night about my life, I just don't get it. Its been two straight weeks since I felt like this and its really killing me. Taking the drugs has made me feel even worst because I never really do drugs and I feel weak, down, embarrassed and like I succumbed to a temptation that I never thought I would, I succumbed to something I resisted forever. I felt like I disrespected myself.

 

I'm just going to keep holding on but my grip is slipping.

[denise_xo]

I know. Deep down I don't want to die yet, I really don't want to. It's just that I feel so weak against the world right now, I feel disgusting and I lately when I walk around I wear a hoodie to cover my face and I never done that. I've been more depressed than I ever imagined and its just like I feel like I have no meaning in my life anymore. Last night I had terrible nightmares and cried all night about my life, I just don't get it. Its been two straight weeks since I felt like this and its really killing me. Taking the drugs has made me feel even worst because I never really do drugs and I feel weak, down, embarrassed and like I succumbed to a temptation that I never thought I would, I succumbed to something I resisted forever. I felt like I disrespected myself.

 

I'm just going to keep holding on but my grip is slipping.

 

Listen dear, I don't know what happened at that hospital and when you're seeing your therapist, but I hope you're expressing your condition as strongly to these people as you are here on LS. It's really really important that the professionals that are there to help you understand how serious your situation is. It's also important that one or two close friends do, too, if you can manage that. I know you have written elsewhere that you don't have any friends who care, but that is also a very typical thought pattern in your condition and if they really understood what was going on you might find that the reality is a bit different.

 

When I OD'ed on drugs I was really pissed at myself for not succeeding - I was like, 'damn, I can't even do this properly'. It still took a good while between that happening and me actually facing up to my problems, but in the mean time I did get a bit of support that helped me keep my head if not above water, then at least up for long enough to grasp some bits of air. I had various turning points after that but one of them was getting on anti-depressants - they really enabled me to address some of my mental issues more constructively. Please don't let your therapist and local clinic/hospital off the hook - demand medication, demand frequent therapy, demand help now. Use any helpline available. Keep posting. We are with you in spirit.

[Not the love ace]

Today was one of the better days for me. The weather was the best its been in a few weeks. It was clear blue sky, sunny and just vibrant. The weather was just awesome in every way and for some reason made me feel great. My mood went WAY up and I felt so good.

 

However, I am not going to get too excited. I know at any minute my mood will switch and I'm afraid I'll be in the pits of hell and agony again. I'm just holding on to that glimmer of hope because I know this sounds SO corny but I see a little light again and I'm just going to chase it. I'm just scared of being so depressed again because its the WORST feeling in the world.

[skydiveaddict]

However, I am not going to get too excited. I know at any minute my mood will switch and I'm afraid I'll be in the pits of hell and agony again. I'm just holding on to that glimmer of hope because I know this sounds SO corny but I see a little light again and I'm just going to chase it. I'm just scared of being so depressed again because its the WORST feeling in the world.

 

 

Yes, that's why you need to stay in touch with your doc. If you can tough it out (and I know you can, I did) you will get the help you need.. Believe me, you can feel better and life will be good again

[Not the love ace]

Ugh. The feeling is coming back again, I just really hit a low. THe weather is nice and beautiful but I'm feeling incredibly depressed and lonely:(. I went out for a little bit but I see everyone hanging with their friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, crew/clique, family and it just makes me miss being in a group and with a group. I love to see other people happy but being lonely is something that's killing me. I just don't understand why I'm lonely. I'm such a social person but I'm so lonely.

[skydiveaddict]

You've gotta be proactive. You can fix your problem but you have to take that first step. You need professional help. Go get it

[whichwayisup]

Ugh. The feeling is coming back again, I just really hit a low. THe weather is nice and beautiful but I'm feeling incredibly depressed and lonely:(. I went out for a little bit but I see everyone hanging with their friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, crew/clique, family and it just makes me miss being in a group and with a group. I love to see other people happy but being lonely is something that's killing me. I just don't understand why I'm lonely. I'm such a social person but I'm so lonely.

 

Please, get some help. You can't keep letting yourself get worse and worse.

 

Ask for help.. If you don't feel comfortable going to the hospital, set up a Dr appointment with your family Dr and talk to him/her about this. It's time to take that step before things get worse.

 

Everyone here is trying to help you, have made excellent suggestions between therapy, books and even checking yourself in to the hospital to help you get better. Doing nothing isn't helping my friend.. I know how scary it is, to ask for help, the worry's that go along with it. It's a huge step to reach out, you've done that, here. Now it's time to take the next step. See a professional as soon as you can.

 

Don't give up.

[2themoon&back]

Ugh. The feeling is coming back again, I just really hit a low. THe weather is nice and beautiful but I'm feeling incredibly depressed and lonely:(. I went out for a little bit but I see everyone hanging with their friends, girlfriends/boyfriends, crew/clique, family and it just makes me miss being in a group and with a group. I love to see other people happy but being lonely is something that's killing me. I just don't understand why I'm lonely. I'm such a social person but I'm so lonely.

 

 

i know how you feel .... i have felt dead inside/numb and have questioned what is my purpose here... and what i have learned is that is god or a higher power keeps thinking i should live another day who am i to say otherwise.

 

i have a very good councilor and would be happy to give you her number just email me... and in the mean time try to see you must have some worth even if it is just getting your mom smokes for now until you can validate yourself for yourself.

 

Give yourself a break and give yourself credit for all the nice things you do for others, not the credit they give you... the credit you give you.

 

You will start to feel a little by little change in your perspective of your situation.

You are worthy of life ... and you are worthy of love and you are important but you must be important to you above all else and i think you are on your way there just by posting here!!!

 

i also know loneness is something you can change because i have it and have had to work through it and i hate it, but the other option is so finial and i will never feel anything again... so i will feel bad for a little longer just to make sure i am feeling something.

 

Please take care of yourself and emial me if you want that name .... i know in your heart you want to stay here with the living as well as you should ... you are worthy of all your life, every minute of it !!! Know this to be true!!

[Not the love ace]

Hey, thanks everyone. Well, for the past 2 days I've felt a little better. I realized there some friends I have that are real friends, and though they aren't as fun or exciting as my the last group of friends I have been with recently, at least they are there for me and care about how I feel and know the meaning of friendship. I'm still on not sold fully on it but I want to believe it. I still feel really bitter and sore about my friends that never contacted me back and it still hurts a lot. Its hurts even more because we officially broke up the friendship. They decided that they just can't be around me and don't want to hang with me for whatever reasons and I decided that its not worth even trying to fix.

 

I just feel like they never really cared about me and just thought of me as a tool and I feel like I put so much effort into being there friends and when I needed them the most, I got nothing.

 

I'm just lonely because though I do have a few (2) friends whom are my true friends we don't exactly hang out regularly since we have different lives and interest but have that mutual understanding and bond. So I feel back on the lonely road right now and I don't know what I'll be doing for the rest of the years without them. I'll have no one to party with on NYE and create memories with. I'm just tired of repeatably being left friendless, I just want friends whom I can share memories with and I always end up getting seriously bummed out when I realize I won't be having that for a while and have to start over AGAIN.

 

I've gotten some help from the hotline Sky Dive addict gave me and I appreciate it a ton man. I also seen a therapist at a hospital and it has been working pretty well thus far. It's given me some clarity and peace of mind, making me feel as that I do have something to live for.

 

Though, that feeling of worthlessness is still lingering and I break down and cry of loneliness. I'm just going to keep perusing happiness.

[denise_xo]

Glad to hear, ntla, good luck to you.

[Not the love ace]

Hey everyone, just an update: I decided to check myself into a psychiatric center today just so I can "repair" myself so to say, lol. I feel really weak and embarassed that I'm doing this. I feel like I've fell off my rocker so bad and that everyone will think oddly of me and think that I'm some sort of hazard to their life. I just really don't want that "he's a problem" stigma.

 

However, I've been feeling pretty good so far and I'm trying to get back to being strong minded and feeling I can overcome this. My emotions are still up and down but I've been a little more positive lately. I just continue to feel so bad and guilty for all that I've down though and it just seems like some people won't ever forgive me for it:(.

 

Any who, I'm working on this.

 

Thanks for all your help and support.

[skydiveaddict]

Good for you bro. that's a brave step you just took. Not many people can do it on their own. I'm sure you'll be feeling better soon. Good luck to ya.