Does the BS owe this to the OW?

[Spark1111]

Concerning the HIV statement that I made. I own my choices fully. The moral problem is with the OW and the MM. Not with me. The CDC requires that the person with a communicable disease be the one disclosing it, not those that might know of it. Doing so could be considered a violation of the other person's privacy.

 

So, if my H has an STD (including HIV) that he gave me or could have given me but told me before he did, I'd expect him to be the one telling her. Period. Its a risk SHE took, not one that I should fix FOR her.

 

Not going to happen on my end. And I feel no shame in being so blunt, even to the point of distaste for some, on this issue.

 

Its already been stated that the OW is not going to believe the W anyway. And the W telling such information only looks desperate until its proven true. Classic damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation.

 

At the end of the day, the MM should disclose anything the OW needs to know. The OW doesn't inform the W of what she is considering with her H (beginning of A), the W isn't obligated to tell the OW anything when its all said and done. It might not seem right to some, but like the A, it is what it is.

 

NID, you make some great points!

 

And it is unfortunate that it is usually the BS's doctor who insists on testing after the affair has come to light, and it is the BS who then must inform the WS of a positive result and insisting they get tested too.

 

Because those in affairs can't transmit STD's, right?

 

And it is just one more humiliation to be endured by the BS.

 

ANd I think I WOULD want to deliver that info directly. Why?

 

Because someone in this delusion will spin it to claim it must have been ME...I must have been cheating, too, right?

[wheelwright]

There are always dragons at the edge of the map. Carry pepper spray!

 

Judge a person by their actions.... (18 years old, huh? THINK ABOUT THAT)

 

And always protect your sanity until you are ready to examine the truth.

 

But take all the courage you can with you. Truth is not for the faint of heart.

 

Maybe my courage is now.

 

Yes, you are right as hell about the 18 year old.

 

But that's what he thought too - he thought he had gone over some edge and that meant he had to forget ideas of love (likely ridiculous anyway - or that's one tack) and confess to his his W.

 

Cos she might keep him in line.

 

Truth is, he was so away with the A fairies, he didn't know what to do. And he was so smitten by his W, that he let her tell him.

 

I guess he was a case of A fog.

 

He sometimes referred to his W (not to me but socially) as 'she who must be obeyed'. When I heard this I was shocked at his childishness, even though it was in jest.

 

But by the by. Finally I can say that.

[turnstone]

Concerning the HIV statement that I made. I own my choices fully. The moral problem is with the OW and the MM. Not with me. The CDC requires that the person with a communicable disease be the one disclosing it, not those that might know of it. Doing so could be considered a violation of the other person's privacy.

 

So, if my H has an STD (including HIV) that he gave me or could have given me but told me before he did, I'd expect him to be the one telling her. Period. Its a risk SHE took, not one that I should fix FOR her.

 

Not going to happen on my end. And I feel no shame in being so blunt, even to the point of distaste for some, on this issue.

 

Its already been stated that the OW is not going to believe the W anyway. And the W telling such information only looks desperate until its proven true. Classic damned-if-you-do-damned-if-you-don't situation.

 

At the end of the day, the MM should disclose anything the OW needs to know. The OW doesn't inform the W of what she is considering with her H (beginning of A), the W isn't obligated to tell the OW anything when its all said and done. It might not seem right to some, but like the A, it is what it is.

 

Thanks for explaining your opinion further NID. I don't find it distasteful, I just don't feel the same way about it. I like and appreciate your stance on most everything and I really like the way you voice it. I just don't have the same stance in this instance.

 

As far as the 'damned if you do damned if you don't' scenario, I know you're right, but the information can be conveyed in a way that an OW is more likely to believe it - i.e. with incontrovertible proof, and in my case, from a lawyer. Either way, as I said before, the payoff for me, was worth any downside.

[2sure]

if you really wanted an apology, then ask the MM to give you one.

 

the wife doesn't owe the OW a thing.

 

Uh, I DID get an apology from the MM. He was my Husband. He apologized right up until the day I divorced him. Who I wanted an apology from was the OW.

 

You misunderstood. In the past, before I married...I had been an OW, so I guess I in general dont automatically conclude that every OW is a pig.

[Dexter Morgan]

You misunderstood. In the past, before I married...I had been an OW, so I guess I in general dont automatically conclude that every OW is a pig.

 

nor do I. I don't think that of the ones that were not aware of the MM's marital status.

 

then again, there are alot saying they never knew, yet carried on with MM supposedly "unknowingly" for months.

 

and in that entire time these women never asked to go back to his place? didn't know where he lived? Unless the guy was rich and had 2 places, I highly doubt alot of OW, and OM, that say they were not aware of MM/MW's status didn't really know...at least in the long term.

[Tsm]

NID

So, if my H has an STD (including HIV) that he gave me or could have given me but told me before he did, I'd expect him to be the one telling her. Period. Its a risk SHE took, not one that I should fix FOR her.

 

 

agree with you 100%, its my responsibility as an adult to make sure that im protected, i dont have to depend on people.

Edited October 7, 2010 by Tsm

[bentnotbroken]

I have read this thread with interest and grappled with my own feelings on this. So again to divide my answer into two trains of thought.

 

The flesh me....not only do I not owe her anything other than what she gave me, I would feel absolutely know need to inform her if Mr. Messy had a STD. No one felt the need to inform me they were having unprotected sex(they weren't each others first affair) so I don't see why I should clean up anyone's mess but my own.

 

The me who wants to be more like Jesus.....I owe her the information that could potentially take her life. She has children and a family that loves her. Losing someone close to you is devastating and no matter what her actions were her family does not deserve to feel that pain. I have been there and it never goes away. She knew he was married, she was married.....so. Her life isn't lived in a vacuum. There others who depend on her, need her and want her in there lives. That is important.

 

I can't say that I would inform her with compassion(I am only human) but I would inform her and suggest she get tested ASAP. But no I owe her nothing. Jesus owed me nothing too. I am glad he chose to give to me anyway.

[Dexter Morgan]

I didn't find out until we'd dated off and on for a year and two months. And funny it was another man who wanted to date me who told me. Then it all fell into place.

 

Another reason I didn't know sooner was that I was never hidden. We always went on dates and he always slept over. His friends knew who I was and i met them so I was not a secret.

 

and in that ENTIRE year and a few months, you never said, "lets go back to your place"..never wondered where he lived...nothing?

 

 

How is it any less believable than a BS who had no idea their H/W was cheating?

 

because the BS lives with the POS. They have no reason to wonder as an OW would. An OW, I would think, would wonder where he lives, what his pad looks like...etc. And over a few months, I'd be wondering where a woman I involved myself with lived. I'd find it peculiar that we'd never go to her place.

[BB07]

and in that ENTIRE year and a few months, you never said, "lets go back to your place"..never wondered where he lived...nothing?

 

 

 

 

because the BS lives with the POS. They have no reason to wonder as an OW would. An OW, I would think, would wonder where he lives, what his pad looks like...etc. And over a few months, I'd be wondering where a woman I involved myself with lived. I'd find it peculiar that we'd never go to her place.

 

 

Dex..........it CAN and DOES happen. Some people live in two places because of work is just one example. There are lots of couples who live unconventionally which makes it a whole lot easier to live a double life if that is their intent.

[2sure]

Quote:

Originally Posted by [COLOR=#ff0000]2sure[/COLOR]

MY ex H told women he was a divorced single father of 2 boys.

We were married , he has no children, I have a daughter.

I mean, didnt anyone ask him :

Where are your kids?

Why do you live in a hotel?

Why cant I call you?

And after 10 years shouldnt that ring mark be gone??

 

OMG.......I laughed so hard when I read that last one, I spit my drink. :laugh:

[2sure]

Sorry, BB - couldnt resist. Hope it makes you laugh again. XX

[BB07]

Sorry, BB - couldnt resist. Hope it makes you laugh again. XX

 

 

It did..........Thank You!

Ahhhhh I needed that. :lmao:

 

I can almost hear one saying.......oh that tan line on my finger, that's where I keep that string that reminds of being marrrrrrr..... oh I mean to pick up the beer.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex..........it CAN and DOES happen.

 

so does winning the lottery

[Dexter Morgan]

Dude, did you actually read what I wrote?

 

EEG

 

 

Dudette, yes, I did.

 

you saw him for over a year. off and on, whatever. I still would have wondered about where he lived, etc.

[BB07]

so does winning the lottery

 

Dex........you just gotta get your little digs in don't you?

 

Feel better now?

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex........you just gotta get your little digs in don't you?

 

Feel better now?

 

you said it can and does happen....and just like winning the lottery, sure, its possible....but the chances are small.

 

dig? if you say so

[Dexter Morgan]

Dudette, yes, I did.

 

you saw him for over a year. off and on, whatever. I still would have wondered about where he lived, etc.

 

and your situation EEG, represents a small percentage of affairs/relationships.

 

anything is possible, but the majority of people that say they never knew their affair partner was married.....sorry, I call bs on that.

[Spark1111]

Quote:

Originally Posted by [COLOR=#ff0000]2sure[/COLOR]

MY ex H told women he was a divorced single father of 2 boys.

We were married , he has no children, I have a daughter.

I mean, didnt anyone ask him :

Where are your kids?

Why do you live in a hotel?

Why cant I call you?

And after 10 years shouldnt that ring mark be gone??

 

OMG.......I laughed so hard when I read that last one, I spit my drink. :laugh:

 

Hahahaha! Love , it!

 

Single friend meets through work and he seems like a really nice guy! Everyone likes him!

 

He claims to be separated and heading toward Divorce. It's only a formality!

 

He has his 17-year old daughter on weekends and he works and lives 40 minutes away. No one thinks anything of it, until one evening all the women are sitting around together and one realizes that she has only seen our friend's new boyfriend at our friend's home.

 

We start to question her. Yes, he always comes here. He says it is too new for his daughter to meet anyone he may be dating yet.

 

And we all jump up and say, "You see him once or twice a week and you have never seen where he lives? His daughter isn't there all the time!"

 

So....twice she insists on seeing where he lives, and twice he comes up with ANOTHER excuse. We, and thank God she, no longer believe he is ahem....separated.

 

So, it can happen and I am sure it does!

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks for explaining your opinion further NID. I don't find it distasteful, I just don't feel the same way about it. I like and appreciate your stance on most everything and I really like the way you voice it. I just don't have the same stance in this instance.

 

As far as the 'damned if you do damned if you don't' scenario, I know you're right, but the information can be conveyed in a way that an OW is more likely to believe it - i.e. with incontrovertible proof, and in my case, from a lawyer. Either way, as I said before, the payoff for me, was worth any downside.

 

I apologize if I came across as argumentative. Just seemed that some posters were attempting to judge me (fancy that, lol) for my stance. One that I fully own. BTW, I like and appreciate your stance on most things too. It was bound to happen that there would be something we'd disagree on.

 

I'm sure my stance comes off cold, but its not intended that way. If, as the OP states, the MM is leaving the W for the OW, me being the W would like to just move on and not be bothered with that dynamic anymore. Telling the OW anything would only serve to keep me in it. I'd feel no obligation to tell things that should have been disclosed already. But I'd make for-damn-sure that I knew everything that I needed to know in my divorce proceedings.

[turnstone]

I apologize if I came across as argumentative. Just seemed that some posters were attempting to judge me (fancy that' date=' lol) for my stance. One that I fully own. BTW, I like and appreciate your stance on most things too. It was bound to happen that there would be something we'd disagree on. [/quote']Yeah, and damn it, it hurts

 

 

I'm sure my stance comes off cold, but its not intended that way. If, as the OP states, the MM is leaving the W for the OW, me being the W would like to just move on and not be bothered with that dynamic anymore. Telling the OW anything would only serve to keep me in it. I'd feel no obligation to tell things that should have been disclosed already. But I'd make for-damn-sure that I knew everything that I needed to know in my divorce proceedings.

In the OP, its not sure if the MM is leaving anyone for anything and he has more than one OW too. That's a lot of potential for spreading the 'love' and maybe even spreading it back in my direction. Who knows if a man I have sex with hasn't had sex with someone who's had sex with someone who's had sex with one of the OW

 

Having said that, the situation you describe would definitely make me think twice about informing the OW of an STD and the point about keeping me in the dynamic is very relevant, although only if my exH were to be with the OW, in that case, yes, I agree, they can get on with it. I'd probably take an ad out in a national newspaper instead. *sniggers*

[2sure]

Recently divorced and starting to date. Now, I was only married 5 years so it hasnt really been that long since I have been dating in general.

 

Having been a single mother and simply a single woman...I would never ever date anyone I didnt know a lot about. And verify it. Now, I know I am particularly ...inquisitive in this regard. I have no issue about having a background check done on anyone ( someone I have net met thru mutual close relationships) that I am going to be intimate with, invite to my home, go away for a weekend with, or introduce to my daughter.

 

Why anyone wouldn't is beyond me.