When WS leaves his/her marriage for AP

[kuma]

I am very happy to see you guys post that there IS a chance for a positive outcome when the A is revealed to the kids. Even when someone else tried to use that revelation to hurt you and your R with them. Sometimes, though, I think the BSs that "force" the WS to tell the kids, aren't doing so to embarrass them, but to continue to foster trust between the WS and the kids. You don't want your kids finding out from someone else. You want them to find out from YOU.

 

Most posters feeling that telling the kids about the A is bad, do so because they don't want to be judged for their actions - not because they don't want the kids in their business. And the kids will and do judge, we are the ones that taught them that.

 

But they also learn that things aren't always B&W and respect being told the truth. People respect you more when you tell them the truth. One's children really aren't any different from anyone else.

 

Well said. Thanks everyone for your feedback. I'm glad I posted this thread.

[Meatballsmom]

Two of my work mates married their OM's. Both of them are now lost in life, trying to reconnect with their children, who have denied them all access to their grandchildren.

 

One of them took her daughter to court to get grand parents rights, which were denied. At first she blamed her XH for poisening the childs minds, but now has taken full responsibility for her mistake. But has found that this changes nothing.

[kuma]

Two of my work mates married their OM's. Both of them are now lost in life, trying to reconnect with their children, who have denied them all access to their grandchildren.

 

One of them took her daughter to court to get grand parents rights, which were denied. At first she blamed her XH for poisening the childs minds, but now has taken full responsibility for her mistake. But has found that this changes nothing.

 

I'm very sorry to hear what they have been through. I'm sure they never thought of the consequences of their affairs. I really hope their children will forgive them. Please tell them not to give up hope.

Edited October 12, 2010 by kuma

[bentnotbroken]

I'm very sorry to hear what they have been through. I'm sure they never thought of the consequences of their affairs. I really hope their children will forgive them. Please tell them not to give up hope.

 

 

Forgiving does not mean you have to have a relationship with someone you don't respect(if that is indeed the case).

[boomboom63]

Do you think WS should tell their older/adult children the truth? Do you think WS don't have to tell them about the truth, because their marriage/affair isn't any of the children's business? Any thoughts?

 

My Father was supposed to tell me about him leaving for his pregnant OW - but he didn't have the strength of character to do it. He told my Mother and my Sister on New Years Eve - real classy move that!

 

My Sister tried to kill herself in a car that very evening. In the end I was told by my Mother 6 months later on the eve of her drunk driving court case.

 

I was 21 years old and it took some time to get my head round the fact that despite me asking about my Mother being really down nobody in the family told me for 6 months.

 

I guess my response would be that if you are to tell your children the truth it should be done by both spouses and with all the children present. I am a believer in telling the truth to your children - although some parts may be inappropriate according to age. I certainly didn't want to know any of the sexual details ( of either parent at any time actually)

[stuckinoz]

My personal opinion.

It's not the children's business no matter how old they are.

But with that said, Kids aren't dumb. I would guess that they could figure it out.

 

My AP & I did not end up together (worked things out with my husband)

BUT, if my children 25 & 27 should ever come to me & ask me, I'd answer their questions.

I just feel like a marriage is an institution between 2 people. Even if there are children in that marriage, they are not privvy to the intimate details on any other level, why should they be told about an affair?

[2.50 a gallon]

stuckinoz, I call BS with your statement.

 

As my dad pointed out to me that should I ever choose to bring a child into this world, they did not have not have a choice, therefore I owed him or her a healthy childhood, an education, a roof over their heads, food on the table every day, how to seperate right from wrong, etc.

 

I would therefore also owe them and explanation of why the family that I brought them into was being broken up.

[Spark1111]

stuckinoz, I call BS with your statement.

 

As my dad pointed out to me that should I ever choose to bring a child into this world, they did not have not have a choice, therefore I owed him or her a healthy childhood, an education, a roof over their heads, food on the table every day, how to seperate right from wrong, etc.

 

I would therefore also owe them and explanation of why the family that I brought them into was being broken up.

 

OR THREATENED!

 

The latest research says children react, not to whether mommy and daddy love each other or not: They are screwed up by the tension in the house.

 

Is there anything that can cause more tension than an affair? Here's where that damn fog kicks in: The MP is telling the AP how much they love their kids but when they are home, they are consumed with thoughts of how, when, why, and next time to see their AP!

 

Many become a far away, emotionally distant, ghost mom or dad during the affair! But they never "see" that aspect of themselves! Even in reconciliation, many do not or do not want to remember it.

 

So, it is NOT whether you are married or divorced that will affect your children.

 

It is how AMICABLY you are married or how AMICABLY divorced you are that will guarantee how happy, healthy and well-adjusted your children will be as adults.

 

Think about that....

[bentnotbroken]

My personal opinion.

It's not the children's business no matter how old they are.

But with that said, Kids aren't dumb. I would guess that they could figure it out.

 

My AP & I did not end up together (worked things out with my husband)

BUT, if my children 25 & 27 should ever come to me & ask me, I'd answer their questions.

I just feel like a marriage is an institution between 2 people. Even if there are children in that marriage, they are not privvy to the intimate details on any other level, why should they be told about an affair?

 

 

Did you feel this way with the insertion of the AP into your marriage or just with your children? What's intimate about an affair wrecking a family?

[kuma]

Forgiving does not mean you have to have a relationship with someone you don't respect(if that is indeed the case).

 

Well, I thought they're paying a hefty price for their infidelities. Their children made their own choice. I guess they have no choice but to live with it. And that's a sad way to live life.

[stuckinoz]

Did you feel this way with the insertion of the AP into your marriage or just with your children? What's intimate about an affair wrecking a family?

 

In my specific situation it didn't "wreck the family"

 

I just don't see where it's their business. When the affair was done, it was done. Over. No need to keep drudging up the past.

 

When my AP's wife left him for her other man, she or he, didn't sit down with their grown children & give them all the intimate details. They really only said "we're splitting up"

Grown kids know things. You don't have to spell out all the gory details to them. Most figure it out in time.

 

Even when my husband & I split for a time we didn't tell our kids they WHY'S (they were 22 & 24 at the time) We didn't need to. They didn't ask. My gut is....they knew why so it wasn't necessary to have a lengthy conversation. They knew that their dad was acting like an ass & that we needed to separate in order for me to retain my sanity.

 

That's my reasoning for the beliefs I have on "NOT Telling Kids All"

[kuma]

Grown kids know things. You don't have to spell out all the gory details to them. Most figure it out in time.

 

I agree but I think all the children are different. Some grown children suffer the effects of their parents' infidelities for a long time.