crazy situation...

[priya_confused]

I have been together with my mate for the last 18 years. We met in college and got married 15 years ago. It has been tumultuous since day one. Firstly, he already had a girlfriend when we met. That was a messy and painful breakup.

 

We got married shortly after that. I was in a career that I hated, but felt that I could not leave. He was an artist and didn't want to do the corporate thing. I tried to be supportive, but I guess I was not convincing. I got pregnant, but lost the baby pretty far into the pregnancy. We started drinking and smoking weed heavily to cope with the pain.

 

After a while, I got fed up of our lifestyle, my incessant depression, and his constant changing of jobs, etc... I felt trapped by my situation and didn't know what to do. We tried a trial seperation and eventually divorced after being married for 9 years.

 

We both made a show of moving on, but neither of us ever did. We would still hang out together and do stuff together. I relied on him to be my friend. we have a very deep connection and get along amazingly. It is only when we discuss reality that we fight.

 

This hanging out continued for years. After some financial hardships, we decided he could move back in with me. That was 2 and half years ago. We were still not a couple, but neither of us was dating. We threw around the idea of official reconcilation several times. This triggered some deep seeded anger in my husband. He started saying that I have never been nice to him and that I was constantly mean. He said that I was emotionally abusive. He said that we barely had a sex life and that destroyed him as a human being. For 2.5 years, he relentlessly yelled at me for ruining his life. He said he can't trust me. All of a sudden, after years of thinking he wanted to reconcile, I found out he truly hates me.

 

He threatened to leave so many times. After a while, he would calm down and say that he loved me and wanted to make it work. Well, he finally left a month ago.

 

I miss him terribly. He was the only person in my life that I could confide in. I love him. Some days he still gets so full of rage, that he lets me have it. He tells me that I have ruined his life. He is fat because of me. He is a failure in his career because of me. He says that I rejected him so much sexually that he KNOWS he is ugly and can never trust a woman. He negates our entire relationship and calls me the worst names on earth.

 

I know that we did have some tough times and I might have not been the nicest person. i might have been too demanding and wanted my ideal too much. I now realize that we didn't have a lot of sex. Honestly, I never thought about it or wanted it. I wasn't going out with other guys or anything.

 

I want to be with him, but I am not sure how he will get over his anger. I never intentionally meant to hurt him. I wish I could at least give him his self confidence back. I am stuck in between losing the love of my life and thinking that he hates me.

 

What can I do to fix the situation?

[Iconoclast]

He is fat because of me.

 

No. He is fat because he takes in more calories than her burns. That's it. It's just science.

 

He is a failure in his career because of me.

 

No. He is a failure because he blames others for his failings, and doesn't learn from failure (the greatest teacher).

 

He says that I rejected him so much sexually that he KNOWS he is ugly and can never trust a woman.

 

He may have something here, constant rejection from your partner is devastating. However, fat, weak, failures are not that sexually attractive. He can fix that.

 

He negates our entire relationship and calls me the worst names on earth.

 

Of course he does. It's all he knows how to do. It's his comfort zone. He needs therapy and anger management.

 

I want to be with him

 

Why?

 

I am not sure how he will get over his anger.

 

Counseling.

 

I never intentionally meant to hurt him.

 

Were you mean? What did you do?

 

I wish I could at least give him his self confidence back.

 

You can't. Only he can. When he takes ownership of his failures.

 

I am stuck in between losing the love of my life and thinking that he hates me.

 

Pffft. There's a million loves of your life just waiting to meet you.

 

 

What can I do to fix the situation?

 

Dump him. He needs a system shock.

 

 

 

Good luck.

[jmsclayton]

Hi

 

see responses below yours/sharing

 

I have been together with my mate for the last 18 years. We met in college and got married 15 years ago. It has been tumultuous since day one. Firstly, he already had a girlfriend when we met. That was a messy and painful breakup.

 

Judith; IT seems to me -that he may not have healed from the emotional issues of that relationship.

 

We got married shortly after that. I was in a career that I hated, but felt that I could not leave. He was an artist and didn't want to do the corporate thing. I tried to be supportive, but I guess I was not convincing. I got pregnant, but lost the baby pretty far into the pregnancy. We started drinking and smoking weed heavily to cope with the pain.

 

Judith; HAve you both healed from the painful loss and the smoke and drinking as well?

 

After a while, I got fed up of our lifestyle, my incessant depression, and his constant changing of jobs, etc... I felt trapped by my situation and didn't know what to do. We tried a trial seperation and eventually divorced after being married for 9 years.

 

Judith; Did you know that if one hasn't work through divorce relationship issues that it can be a part of the reconnection challenges.

 

We both made a show of moving on, but neither of us ever did. We would still hang out together and do stuff together. I relied on him to be my friend. we have a very deep connection and get along amazingly. It is only when we discuss reality that we fight.

 

Judith: Can you try writing letters at this point or text or email at this point? To find out waht the issues are. COunseling is important

 

This hanging out continued for years. After some financial hardships, we decided he could move back in with me. That was 2 and half years ago. We were still not a couple, but neither of us was dating. We threw around the idea of official reconcilation several times.

 

Juidth; Why did you both stop dating. Any couple married or not should be dating after connecting or reconnecting permanently. Becuase it helps you to maintain a relationship that is vital to you and the kids. Build commonality with each other -that helps through the struggles. Have you done that?

 

This triggered some deep seeded anger in my husband. He started saying that I have never been nice to him and that I was constantly mean. He said that I was emotionally abusive. He said that we barely had a sex life and that destroyed him as a human being. For 2.5 years, he relentlessly yelled at me for ruining his life. He said he can't trust me. All of a sudden, after years of thinking he wanted to reconcile, I found out he truly hates me.

 

Judith; Well he does need counseling etc. It is not just you.

 

 

I miss him terribly. He was the only person in my life that I could confide in. I love him. Some days he still gets so full of rage, that he lets me have it. He tells me that I have ruined his life. He is fat because of me. He is a failure in his career because of me.

 

Judith: He can change these things above like if he wants to work on it. IT takes healing and time to heal the painful leaveing and it is vital to do so.

 

He says that I rejected him so much sexually that he KNOWS he is ugly and can never trust a woman.

 

Judith; There is a book about a woman not wanting sex and her husband and her made agreement that they would do waht she wnated but the husband said he would be the one to initiate for while to help her overcome her emotional reluctance to engage in sex. book: I Rather Eat Choc than Have Sex. It is all about her not wanting it and no medical etc reason involved. There is another book called: Why Men Fall Out of Love? & He is Not Up to IT Anymore? These would really help you at this time. Some women have to discern why they are reluctant to have sex. It could be how he was emotionally relating to you-women need emotional sexual foreply through out the day in order to want sex. Was he involved in helping with childcare etc. There are a number of factors.

 

He negates our entire relationship and calls me the worst names on earth.

 

Judtih: Well deep down he wont be able to say there was no such relationship

 

I know that we did have some tough times and I might have not been the nicest person. i might have been too demanding and wanted my ideal too much. I now realize that we didn't have a lot of sex. Honestly, I never thought about it or wanted it. I wasn't going out with other guys or anything.

 

Judtih; Women and men in my experience and so on -do not realize why women have a hard time wanting sex. Nonsexual touch of all kinds is vital for the woman when it comes to sex as well as all of us need touch of some kind through out the day. But for the sexual part-it is vital that both realize what is the emotional factors that is contributing to the woman not wantin git. SOmetimes in this day an age it is going to take effort for women to find a way to make it a priority for their sakes as well as the men. Due to my past and reading again another book-about women finding the value of sex and how it helsp in the relationship-365 Nites-she gave her husband sex throughout a year-and agreed to arrangement-again she dnd't want it for emotional reasons-that she learned the vital of it after the fact of have it regularly -like it build more teamwork together. etc.

 

I want to be with him, but I am not sure how he will get over his anger. I never intentionally meant to hurt him. I wish I could at least give him his self confidence back. I am stuck in between losing the love of my life and thinking that he hates me.

 

Judith: Can you write letters and go from there to find otu waht the issue is? etc. besides counseling?

 

What can I do to fix the situation?

 

Judith: What do you think?

[priya_confused]

I know that the sex issue is what pushed him over the edge. The problem is, I didn't realize that it was such a problem until recently. We went to counseling, etc and he never mentioned that he was unsatisfied. I feel so horrible now in retrospect. I guess I have a really low sex drive, because I never was missing anything in this department.

 

I am Indian and he is all American. I think that our culture is much more strict and traditional. Although I didn't consider myself as a mean person, I can see how someone not brought up in the Indian culture might consider my behavior hard core. Indian culture is brutally honest "for your own good."

 

I don't think that he will ever come back to me. I really regret all of the hurt I have caused him. Some of the hurt was just due to my nature as a person. He is very stubborn and hard headed. It is very difficult to get through to him. He is also extremely sensitive. I worry about him constantly and hope that he can eventually forgive me. I hope he comes back to me, but it not, I want him to move on and have a good life.

 

I fear that I won't be able to move on until he does.

[jmsclayton]

Hi see responses below yours

 

I know that the sex issue is what pushed him over the edge. The problem is, I didn't realize that it was such a problem until recently. We went to counseling, etc and he never mentioned that he was unsatisfied. I feel so horrible now in retrospect. I guess I have a really low sex drive, because I never was missing anything in this department.

 

Judith; Well did you know that you if he comes back can redeem it. You can get a either a dietary supplement for testosterone for women to help you. Also women need to be nonsexually stimulated romantically and conversationallly to be interested in sex. Also to make it a priority they need to also either find a way to think about it throughout the day or put it on the calendar to remind them of it. Once it becomes regular your body learns to know something is missing. THere are ways to help you get interested.

 

I am Indian and he is all American. I think that our culture is much more strict and traditional. Although I didn't consider myself as a mean person, I can see how someone not brought up in the Indian culture might consider my behavior hard core. Indian culture is brutally honest "for your own good."

 

Judith: THere is ways to help that even regarding the culture and excluding it.

 

I don't think that he will ever come back to me. I really regret all of the hurt I have caused him. Some of the hurt was just due to my nature as a person. He is very stubborn and hard headed. It is very difficult to get through to him. He is also extremely sensitive. I worry about him constantly and hope that he can eventually forgive me. I hope he comes back to me, but it not, I want him to move on and have a good life.

 

Judith: Men need it just as much as women. The key is to find the balance to help keep it going regularly. It is vital. It helps the marital bond and helps the children. etc. I can see it and I have felt it

 

I fear that I won't be able to move on until he does.

 

Judith: I am sorry but you need to move on and not wait on him.

 

Thoughts?

 

Judith

 

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

You both need counseling. Without a doubt.

 

He can work through his anger and resentment if he wants to. You can be more giving also...

 

The two of you have been through a lot together.

 

In my opinion culture is not all that relevant. The way you were raised and the things you saw around you throughout your life (regardless of culture) shape the way you treat others and what you expect in return.

 

Sex is, in my opinion, one of the highest forms of connection in a marriage. Keep in mind some of the responsibility lies on him. It's his job to communicate his needs and when and why you are not fulfilling them for him. If he did this and you did not work on your sexuality, or at least your ability to compromise and come to some understanding regarding sex, then double shame on you...

 

I think the heart of the matter here is, that if you are willing to change and improve and correct your shortcomings for him (he has many things to improve also), is he willing to try again knowing that. If not, if absolutely not, then it's time to move on...