Found my BF's post on here. So I joined to tell my side:

[sylverorchids]

My BF Hop_prophet posted this on here a few weeks ago and I just found it. So I joined and responded and am now posting separetely. You will see my reply to the post below: Perspective?

 

Originally Posted by Hop_prophet

Ok so I think my relationship is pretty much doomed. My gf gave me an ultimatum today that I need to go to couples therapy or we are done. I did not appreciate the ultimatum and I do not think I've done anything wrong. In fact, I think I treat her pretty great. The problem is she feels smothered and controlled. I need some honest feedback. Maybe I have been but I doubt it. Here is the situation briefly:

 

I have had an issue with her interactions with other guys for most of our relationship. She has never once been supportive or understanding but everytime I express discomfort she gets ultra defensive and hostile. The first instance was her going out with some guy she met through a friend that I had never met bar hopping while I was out of town. I have since met the guy and he is harmless and I get along with him, but the circumstances were not ideal.

 

Next, Ever since she moved here with me she chats up certain guys on facebook constantly. This is not limited contact, but an almost daily occurence. Whenever she opens her email I see at least one email and up to 5 or 6 from this dude. She chats constantly on facebook with him and texts all the time too. I am talking like a novel's worth of text. After repeated exposure to this, I caved and snooped. I am ashamed but she left up her Skype convo and I just had to look. I did not like what I saw. This guy was obviously leeching and fawning all over her. I mean it was pretty blatent, telling her things like "I admire you so much" and "this is a safe place, you can confide in me" and a ton of other simlar comments. The thing that really bothered me is that she was informing him of all our relationship issues and made it seem like we were on the verge of breaking up. All comments about me were negative. What really pissed me off were comments she made about him being a sperm donor for her kid. He was also taking about how he likes to get get women off and she engaged him in that discussion.

 

Now, this is not the guy who she talks to constantly but some side validtaion thing. This other guy she literelly talks to every single day. I've tried to let it slide and I dropped a few comments here and there to let her know that it was bothering me but the communication has only increased. Lately she informed me that he was coming to vistit and initially I agreed to let him stay with us, but after thinking about it I had put up with enough and I told her I was uncomfortable with it and I didn't want him to stay with us. Of course she blew a gasket and sided with him and seemed way more concerned about how he would react than any of my concerns. In fact the first thing she mentioned was that she would just tell him he couldn't stay here because her bf wouldn't allow it.

 

I've also expressed discomfort with her meeting one of her exes and she first agreed not to see him after arguing with me for several days. Then several months later he comes into town and now she is adament about seeing him. I meant she basically told me to **** off when I expressed concern. I almost broke up with her right then and there but I went back on it. Maybe it was a mistake. She didn't go see him, but I later asked her if she did if because I asked her or because he didn't want to see her and she refused to answer the question. It seemed obvious that she would have done it despite my feelings.

 

There have been other issues too. The sex has been dwindling and she is very critical of me. I just can't seem to make sense of it. I'm sure everyone will think this is an obvious call and I'm being a doormat, but somehow I can't let this go. Am I being too insecure? Is this situation truly bad? Any advice is appreciated. I am concerned there is an emotional affair going on but she makes me seem like I am crazy for suggesting it.

Bitch Girlfriend here! My BF skewed this big time--- Lame! Here's the full story:

 

1. He isn't an "ex." We dated for a few weeks and decided we weren't right for eachother. He lives on the opposite coast from us. He used to live here (before we did) and has a lot of contacts in this city...in my prefferred industry. He came in to town twice and both times I didn't go have coffee with him. Just coffee! Yet, my BF still says that I chose that guy over him. Weird.

2. All these guys (exept for the one I wen't out for drinks with) are on the opposite coast of us. That's right!

3. I am my bf's first serious relationship.

4. I moved out here with my bf and was unemployed for an entire year. So I was pretty lonely and depressed. Wouldn't you want to chat wiith your friends? Oh yeah, and I was scared to reach out to any contacts that were given to me bc of how he reacted to me going out with that guy for drinks when we first moved here. More below.

5. I don't chat or contact any guy daily. That is just a lie. Also, he just happened to see my email on a day where I recieved several mass emails from him. I do not email him or any male daily. I even let my boyfriend read those emails. One of which contained details of the guy connecting heavily with a woman and me expressing great joy for him!

6. The skype convo was left open on my computer, I had nothing to hide.

7. Asking someone to be a sperm donor is not asking for sex, in fact, it implies the opposite. Duh.

8. Yes that guy was doting on me and that's why I insulted him by telling him he reminded me of my ex.

9. Yes he was talking about getting women off, but not me. If I was interested in him getting me off, I would have used this opportunity to suggest it. Am I not allowed to have a conversation about sex with a friend?

10. Wouldn't you be upset if you had to revoke an invitiation to your friend to stay with you? After you asked your SO if it would be ok and they agreed? After you told your friend they could stay with you?

11. The guy I had drinks with was introduced to me by a mutual trusted friend since we both had just moved to the city. Wouldn't you want to jump at the opportunity to make a new friend in a city where you have none? Especially when the person is introduced to you from a trusted friend? And I knew he would one day meet my BF and that my BF would like him. And he does.

12. After he reacted so harshly to this, I didn't meet up with 4 other male contacts that were suggested to me by other friends. I mean, I've made sacrifices. Meeting new people in a new city is important. Especially when you're unemployed! So yeah, I felt isolated. New place, no job. No friends. And a BF who flips out when I go out one night to get some social interaction. I guess he would have preffered I go to a bar alone. Strange.

13. My BF continues to say I "prioritize" other men and "spend too much time with them" (how is chatting while you are doing other **** online spending time with someone?) even though I spend almost ALL of my free time with him and I MOVED OUT HERE WITH HIM!

 

Now lets hear what people think.

[Kinder-Horror]

Are there no girls in your life?

There are always two sides to every story - and you completely reserve the right to defend yourself (usually when someone is upset they skew things, so it makes sense that he did. I'm sure a lot of people do on here).

However, some of your justifications would still make me uneasy in a relationship. Yes you're allowed to talk to a friend about sex... does it have to be that guy?

I tried to find this in the post, but WHY are you asking him to be a sperm donor?

I would hate if my boyfriend was having conversations like that with a female friend.

 

You both need to have a heart to heart - He seems to be panicking (probably because it is his first legit relationship) and you seem to be doing nothing to ease his mind

[lkjh]

I didnt read your bf's post but after reading your justifications I would not date you. For starters even if you dated a guy for a few weeks he is your ex. The fact you don't see this would be a huge red flag for me. Im just saying that after reading your post you seem like the girl that constantly needs attention from guys and I would not trust a girl like that. I could be wrong and you could be a great girl but you need to learn to cut guys out of your life

 

Also, make a damn girlfriend. As a guy I can tell you we don't want to be your friend, we want to bang you.

[sylverorchids]

I have done plenty to ease his mind. Not met up with people I've wanted to, not made contact with males suggested to me by trusted friends (bc we moved to a new city), rarely go out without him....chatting in his presence shouldn't make him feel uncomfortable, I'm doing it in front of him. Let him read emails....invite him everywhere I go esp if it's w a male.....I told my friend he couldn't stay here after telling him he could. I just feel like he doesn't trust my judgement.

 

Have you ever moved to a new city where you had no friends? It's hard to make friends.

 

It was one of those "if we both don't have kids by the time we're 40 things." I thought we were on the verge of breaking up and the outlook of having children was pretty grim. I can understand why it would upset him, though. But, I wouldn't have kids with this guy! Also, no one seems to think it was a violation of MY trust that he was reading my chat log. I've always told him if he wants to read something, to come to me, and we can read it together....because sometimes things get lost in translation. He violated that trust.

 

I've just now started making friends here, and they are female.

[sylverorchids]

I don't think I should have to cut male friends out of my life because I am in a relationship. As long as they don't disrespect me, my boyfriend, or my relationship then I should be able to maintain contact with whomever I choose. We just have different boundaries. And no, it's not about attention, but I can see why it would come off that way.

[Kinder-Horror]

He didn't violate your privacy - you left it up on the computer, you said that.

Also, no one is saying cut males out of your life completely, but you seem to have a lot of them!

Your version of boundaries seems to be pretty skewed. All relationships are different, thus their boundaries are different - and you are over it in his eyes. So you two need to talk it over and decide what's acceptable and what's not and go from there.

 

If you go in with the attitude of "I can contact whomever I choose," you aren't meant for a relationship.

[sylverorchids]

No, he violated the promise that if he ever wanted to look at any such material we would do it together.

 

I don't think I should be able to contact whomever I want. Sure the skype guy, I understand him having an issue with that having seen what he saw and I ceased contact.

 

But what about the other friend of mine? So he is uncomfortable with me chatting with him and I stopped because of it. But I do feel it is an imposition of my freedom. There is no reason for him to not trust this friendship. And had he just kept his word that he could stay with us, he'd meet him and see that he too, is harmless.

 

Do you have a problem with your boyfriend chatting online with friends?

[Kinder-Horror]

My boyfriend doesn't really chat with other girls - but the ones he does talk to, I am completely comfortable with. There were a couple that I wasn't comfortable with at all and he respected that (I didn't make him stop talking to them, he just did).

 

While I agree with you that it may have been better if he'd let your friend stay at your place so he could see for himself (I have that same rationale), sometimes people just feel uncomfortable. You can't blame someone for that. I am sure there are times in your life, relationship or otherwise, where you haven't wanted to do something or have felt uneasy.

 

I still don't think its a violation of your privacy that he read something you left up on the computer screen. I completely fail to believe that if he left up the content of an email to a female friend on the screen that you wouldn't look at it. (And you DID say you think you should be able to contact whomever you want)

 

He feels uncomfortable. Period. Something has to be changed. I do realize you have made some sacrifices, but it seems that they are not adequate or they are the wrong sacrifices. It is something about this specific friend that he seems to be having an issue with.

[CLC2008]

What a juicy thread. But point blank, when you're in a exclusive committed relationship with someone, things such as what your boyfriend pointed out, should not be a part of it. So, I agree with his view on it, as far as that is concerned.

 

Having said that, why do you feel the need to be so involved with other men to such an extent versus your female friends?

[sylverorchids]

I said as long as there is no disrespect than I should be able to contact whom I want. That's IF. I mean, where do you draw the line? So if he is uncomfortable with me associating with someone, even if there is no reason or justification, I am expected to modify my behavior/friendships/promises to appease his insecurities?

 

Yes I have felt uncomfortable. That's part of being in a relationship. There was a female friend I met twice that I didn't care for but never told him my opinion of her because I didn't want it to affect his choice to remain friends with her. It wasn't until she outwardly insulted me that I expressed my opinion of her. There was another incadent where he went out drinking with a group of friends when I was out of town (one of which was a girl he used to have feelings for that I hadn't met yet). I was uncomfortable with it, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want to put him in a compromising position. I trusted his judgement and respected his friendship, despite my discomforts.

 

You aren't understanding. I never said it was a violation of privacy! I said he violated the pact...that that if he felt uncomfortable that we would look at emails, chats, etc. together. I really think this is a kind, honest, open-door gesture. And a fair compromise. "If you are ever uncomfortable and want to read any emails, texts etc, instead of snooping, grab me and we'll look together."

 

He has a problem with me being online period. He's given me crap for chatting with a female friend, too (the night before we were going to spend 3 whole days in the wildreness together) because he felt I wasn't paying him enough attention.

 

I don't know why he has a specific issue with this guy. He has no reason to. And that's where there is this problem. He's not trusting my judgement. I went on one date with him 4 years ago and decided we weren't a good fit. I mean, he's accused me of having an emotional affair with this guy, which is ridiculous. He lives 3,000 miles away!

[sylverorchids]

I am involved much, much, much, more heavily with my female friends. We text and talk on the phone regularly. The communication between myself and my females friends is much greater! He has a problem with me chatting online with this guy. I don't speak to him on the phone at all. I communicate with my female friends MUCH more.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Asking someone to be a sperm donor is not asking for sex, in fact, it implies the opposite. Duh.

 

I would think a guy would be utterly crushed to hear that his girlfriend would rather another man father her child, regardless of what the circumstances are -sex or not. That is insulting your boyfriend on even a molecular level, much deeper than just sexual jealousy. Even in jest, this can be like a nuclear kick in the nuts.

 

I can definitely see how this would upset him.

[Seamless74]

Dont know you but I would have to say from the information provided you sound like an absolute total nightmare and your boy should run for the hills.. I dont see how anyone could see it any other way...

[aerogurl87]

He didn't violate your privacy - you left it up on the computer, you said that.

Also, no one is saying cut males out of your life completely, but you seem to have a lot of them!

Your version of boundaries seems to be pretty skewed. All relationships are different, thus their boundaries are different - and you are over it in his eyes. So you two need to talk it over and decide what's acceptable and what's not and go from there.

 

If you go in with the attitude of "I can contact whomever I choose," you aren't meant for a relationship.

 

My thoughts exactly.

[BruceLeroy]

I'll weigh in. I do think the sperm doner thing was uncalled for; why you making plans for post relationship BEFORE it ends? That always starts trouble. And yes, even if you're doing other things on line while chatting, it is still cutting into time you cuold be spending with him.

 

But the rest? So he has female friends and goes out with them when youre out of town, but his skin crawls if you do it? Not fair not cool and it basically says that which he thinks he can handle - you and your delicate sensibilities cannot.

 

And if he complains about guy friends and girl friends cutting into time with him when you live with him and are about to go give him 3 days of undivided attention, he prolly is a bit demanding. I'd be pissed as hell if I got chewed about speaking to friends before I go out of town too.

 

Ever thought that maybe neither of you are wrong, just maybe wrong for each other?

[lkjh]

I really think you need to at the very least your ideas of boundaries.

 

Also can you please explain why from your bf's pov he should consider a guy you use to date as a your friend and not your ex? You said the guy is not your ex because you only dated him for a little bit, but that still means you had somewhat of a romantic relationship with him and that makes him your ex not your friend

[lkjh]

meant to say "at the very least rethink your ideas of boundaries".

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to be blunt but you don't put your boyfriend first. It seems you have a pretty nice guy (your boyfriend!) in your life and you spend way too much time talking to other guys. Reverse the situation and ask yourself how YOU would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? Would you feel loved, cared for and appreciated if your boyfriend was chatting away to various girls, let alone ones he dated briefly on facebook and texting them as well?

 

Why do you need attention from so many guys that you barely know?

 

He's hurting and you don't care about the effect it's having on your relationship. There are two people in a relationship, and that means compromising and giving certain things up. Bar hopping and going out partying with other guys isn't cool, especially if you're living with him.

[FryFish]

Opposite sex friends are red flag enough on their own... Opposite sex friends that you go bar hopping with WHEN YOUR SO GOES OUT OF TOWN are deal breakers to most people.

[sylverorchids]

I'll weigh in. I do think the sperm doner thing was uncalled for; why you making plans for post relationship BEFORE it ends? That always starts trouble. And yes, even if you're doing other things on line while chatting, it is still cutting into time you cuold be spending with him.

 

But the rest? So he has female friends and goes out with them when youre out of town, but his skin crawls if you do it? Not fair not cool and it basically says that which he thinks he can handle - you and your delicate sensibilities cannot.

 

And if he complains about guy friends and girl friends cutting into time with him when you live with him and are about to go give him 3 days of undivided attention, he prolly is a bit demanding. I'd be pissed as hell if I got chewed about speaking to friends before I go out of town too.

 

Ever thought that maybe neither of you are wrong, just maybe wrong for each other?

 

You're right, I agree why the sperm comment could make anyone uncomfortable. In all honesty, it wasn't meant that way. I was making a joke in poor taste.

 

Yeah, and I also had reason to not trust him because he lied to me about a previous relationship (saying he had one, when he never had) and kept the fact that he used to have feelings for this girl (I found out when his roomate let it slip).

[that girl]

I think you were right- you two should be in couple's counselling.

 

Neither of you have done anything that is unforgivably horrible but you both seem pretty unyielding and thoughtless.

[Viva]

There's nothing new I can add here that hasn't been said by others but the main point is both of you got issues that need to be dealt with head on, not on the internet.

 

Vent to eachother and actually try to heal the problem rather than prove who is right and who is wrong on Loveshack. He's feeling hurt, come to his aide, you're both living under the same roof, these types of issues should've been confronted from the very beginning rather than having to build up to this point. Wouldn't you want him to do the same for you?

[BruceLeroy]

You're right, I agree why the sperm comment could make anyone uncomfortable. In all honesty, it wasn't meant that way. I was making a joke in poor taste.

 

Yeah, and I also had reason to not trust him because he lied to me about a previous relationship (saying he had one, when he never had) and kept the fact that he used to have feelings for this girl (I found out when his roomate let it slip).

 

Well there seems to be a tit for tat element going on here. When you shared your side you do a good amount of justifying your own actions. What you do isn't only okay if there is something he has done. There is a whole lot of well I only did this because vibe to your side of things. Just own it. You do what you do and you say what you say because, well just because. The way you spin it, the things you do and say are not your actions. They are reactions to his action. This pisses us guys off lie you wouldn't believe! Its makes us feel like everything you do is a punishment of some kind rather than what you'd just do because its who you are. How you like that done on you? Well honey I only went out with that chick I used to pant over because you said that **** about sperm doner dude.

Think about it girl. There is no even in life. Do what you do because its what you feel is the right thing to do, not because of what someone else does. If you want or need guy friends, then have em. But you have to allow for him to maybe want and need a girl who doesn't have guy friends.

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think I should have to cut male friends out of my life because I am in a relationship.

 

then don't be in a relationship. Its one thing to have friends of the opposite sex....its quite another to have many of them, and hang out with them, or go out with them alone.

 

 

As long as they don't disrespect me, my boyfriend

 

if I went out alone with someone elses girlfriend, I WOULD be disrespecting him.

 

 

or my relationship then I should be able to maintain contact with whomever I choose.

 

then you don't need to be in a committed relationship if you don't want to break contact with those that make someone you supposedly care about uncomfortable.

 

again, I have female friends, but I don't hang out with them alone and it would be highly disrespectful to any gf of mine if I did.

 

 

And no, it's not about attention, but I can see why it would come off that way.

 

the thing is, you consider all these males "friends". I can tell you right now that any one of them would bed you down in a heartbeat if you let them. and THIS is why your bf has a problem with it. And knowing this if you still think its ok, then again, you shouldn't be in a relationship.

[Dexter Morgan]

I would think a guy would be utterly crushed to hear that his girlfriend would rather another man father her child, regardless of what the circumstances are -sex or not. That is insulting your boyfriend on even a molecular level, much deeper than just sexual jealousy. Even in jest, this can be like a nuclear kick in the nuts.

 

I can definitely see how this would upset him.

 

yes, I agree.

 

OP's boyfriend has legitimate concerns. And really, if a gf of mine wanted to get another guy's sperm to father a child, I'd be asking her to leave and never come back.