Im frustrated and depressed

[richierichhsv]

Hi,

I'm 50 years old and have been married for 25 years.We have 4 children, first three were boys. My wife really wanted a girl and later she accidentally arrived.We were over joyed.That was 11 years ago and since then she has slept with her for fear of being kidnapped or what ever could go wrong.That's fine, but our physical relationship nose dived.

We still made love occasionally and slowly got less and less over the years.We've had many discussions about it always started by me.She thinks theres nothing wrong with our marriage, just she's not interested in love making and does not know why.After every discussion we make passionate love.

Ten months ago i lost my patience and told her i cant go on like this and we need to separate.Well she was shocked and again we discussed it mainly telling her my feelings with the marriage and she agreed but does not give much input on her side of the marriage and again we made passionate love and since then, zero.

The main reason i have not ended the marriage is my 11 year old daughter and what it would do to her.Don't get me wrong i do want the marriage to work.

While this is all happening i get depressed and have no confidence with my self.I have my ups and downs with talking to my wife and become very frustrated.I have a high sex drive and not having any physical contact including hugging and kissing is killing me.

Please help and if someone else is going through the same, let me know what your doing about it.

 

Regards Richie

[richierichhsv]

Your wife really needs to search for the reasons behind her needs and why she is getting them met by your daughter rather than from you, and you need to try to understand what need she has that is not being met and how you can try to meet that need for her.

 

I hope this helps.

 

I forgot to mention my wife is a shopping freak and there like 2 peas in a pod when it comes to that.So i can see the happiness she gets with her daughters relationship, after having 3 boys.

[richierichhsv]

Thanks for your help i'll look it up.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

She is just looking for excuses. Yes she cherishes your daughter and it was very important to her to have a girl, however like many she now looks at you at 50 and wonders why you still want to have sex like some horny teenager.

 

Does she love you and her family life? Probably.... She however just can't understand why you are still obsessing over it and wanting it more then say 1X/mth......

 

This is becoming more and more clear reading LS......

 

Sorry for the bad news.....

[You Go Girl]

I think the key is in that word *passion*.

You say that you had passionate lovemaking months ago, then nothing. It was no doubt passionate on your side, but was it on hers? Does she feel the same passion as you do? Does she recognize it if she does?

She either isn't feeling the same connection that you are, and you falsely believe she also feels, or, she's oblivious to that she had such a passionate connection, forgetting it very quickly. This latter is a definite possibility also.

I believe most women simply don't have sex on their mind as often as men, hence they don't miss it when there are dry spells, and since nothing is amiss--unmet desire--they don't bother to critique what isn't broken.

 

But when a woman truly feels a passionate connection, she too craves physical intimacy often, even with a lower libido. Keeping that alive and well in a LTR is a true challenge. Dry spells must be accepted as par for the course, and should be accepted to some degree without angry judgment which fuels a war. Renewing that passion to end a dry spell is the real challenge here--keeping romance alive.

[richierichhsv]

I think the key is in that word *passion*.

You say that you had passionate lovemaking months ago, then nothing. It was no doubt passionate on your side, but was it on hers? Does she feel the same passion as you do? Does she recognize it if she does?

She either isn't feeling the same connection that you are, and you falsely believe she also feels, or, she's oblivious to that she had such a passionate connection, forgetting it very quickly. This latter is a definite possibility also.

I believe most women simply don't have sex on their mind as often as men, hence they don't miss it when there are dry spells, and since nothing is amiss--unmet desire--they don't bother to critique what isn't broken.

 

But when a woman truly feels a passionate connection, she too craves physical intimacy often, even with a lower libido. Keeping that alive and well in a LTR is a true challenge. Dry spells must be accepted as par for the course, and should be accepted to some degree without angry judgment which fuels a war. Renewing that passion to end a dry spell is the real challenge here--keeping romance alive.

 

Thanks for the female side of it.That makes alot of sense.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

There is a lot to be said for what is going on here. I must admit I think you are an absolute saint for staying this long. In the same breath, I have to say that YOU need to take some action on your part to correct the path your marriage is taking - actually, it's more like a 'rapid downward spiral' than a path.

 

The first thing I suggest, with a strong vote of confidence, is to aquire and throughly read the book entitled, "The Sex Starved Marriage, a couples guide to bossting their marriage libido," by Michelle Weiner-Davis. You should be able to pick it up at a major bookstore near you today. Alternatively you can order from an online retailer:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Marriage-Boosting-Libido-Couples/dp/0743227336

 

I can assure you this book can give you far more insight than you will get here. It will give you a new insight and perspective, and a refreshened attitude. Hopefully your wife will see this, and, if you are lucky enough, your wife may wish to read some or all of it and see what she can do for the benefit of her marriage too...

 

Good Luck!

[AugustFool]

Richie, I don't have much counsel. just wanted to say i can empathize with feeling frustrated.

 

it does sound like your wife is responding to you sexually out of a sense of duty or "trying to make it all better" -- as YGG said, it's hard to believe there's much passion in that.

 

But she might also feel like that's what she needs in order to spark her passion -- a sense of obligation to make things better. It's almost like your starting a conversation about sex has become her idea of foreplay...

 

Maybe I'm off there, but it does seem interesting that your attempts to address the issue generally result in lovemaking. Seems like she's offering band-aids, but you're looking for a more permanent surgery...