24 hrs nc...not like him...fearing d-day

[KarmasTestDummy]

A couple of hours is rare, 24 hours is beyond abnormal. Last communication was a drunken text message saying I love you, see you soon. Now I'm afraid he fell asleep forgetting to delete and the W found them. Guess we'll see. Haven't heard from him all day. Driving me' nuts but I won't text first bc I don't know what's going on. Uggggh!

[Star_Bright]

Sorry this is happening- I know it must be nerve-wracking. I don t understand why you can't text him first? If MM didn't text me for 24 hours I'd send him an "are you there?" Or "everything ok?" Text. Maybe I'm just high maintenance like that. (I also can't imagine going 24 hours without talking to MM unless we were in NC. I'm not sure of your status- you had gone NC and then got back together and now you're in full contact right? Or limited contact? I guess that may make a difference in how likely it is that he should text you. Still I can understand your concern no matter what the status.)

[SoMovinOn]

Why do people automatically assume the worst? My OW is like that. We have no set times for contact. We're both married. We do what we can, when it's safe to do so. We have an agreement to not take unnecessary risks, not try to create opportunities which may arouse suspicion. If I don't call, or show up in chat, it is always because it just won't work to do so right then - because of W, or because of my job. Yet, she always assumes something bad happened or that I am upset with her about something.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Wll my suspicions somewhat concerned. I assume the worst because my mm is a creature of habit. I know within a 10 minute time period when I will get a 'good morning beautiful' right down to when he gets the kids to bed at night. And as I feared, about an hour ago I got a text from his phone saying 'hey' ummmm he never just says hey. But replied back hey stranger. And then nothing. Like 2 mins later I get 3 messages back to back...she's got my phone...don't text...I'll get ahold of you as soon as I can.'

 

Ugggh...well guess d-day has come or at very least her assumptions are getting the best of her. But of all his contacts she pulled up mine, which isn't assigned to a female name in his phone...so unless she's got proof, she'll have to come up with something better than a 'hey stranger' reply.

 

Star, yes we did go nc, for 11 days but are now back full contact. It didn't suit either of us well.

If this is d-day I'll be curious to see how it plays out. He always said he wouldn't give a *hit because she cheated first. We shall see. I'll keep u posted!

[Hazyhead]

Karmas - this looks like the start of a very familiar pattern. My advice to you would be to get out, make yourself very busy and do not wait on news from him as it will drive you out of your mind. Try and stay out of the drama if you can.

[jj33]

Karma do you really want to be a part of gaslighting this woman?

 

Think how awful you feel just wondering if his W knows.

 

Can you imagine how awful she feels thinking her H may be with another woman? Asking him and being told no its your imagination? Do you really want to be apart of that? Its really cruel.

[porter218]

Why do people automatically assume the worst? My OW is like that. We have no set times for contact. We're both married. We do what we can, when it's safe to do so. We have an agreement to not take unnecessary risks, not try to create opportunities which may arouse suspicion. If I don't call, or show up in chat, it is always because it just won't work to do so right then - because of W, or because of my job. Yet, she always assumes something bad happened or that I am upset with her about something.

 

Because the nature of the R is unstable. It is one that is likely to end eventually so this is probably weighing heavily on your OWs mind.

[porter218]

Wll my suspicions somewhat concerned. I assume the worst because my mm is a creature of habit. I know within a 10 minute time period when I will get a 'good morning beautiful' right down to when he gets the kids to bed at night. And as I feared, about an hour ago I got a text from his phone saying 'hey' ummmm he never just says hey. But replied back hey stranger. And then nothing. Like 2 mins later I get 3 messages back to back...she's got my phone...don't text...I'll get ahold of you as soon as I can.'

 

Ugggh...well guess d-day has come or at very least her assumptions are getting the best of her. But of all his contacts she pulled up mine, which isn't assigned to a female name in his phone...so unless she's got proof, she'll have to come up with something better than a 'hey stranger' reply.

 

Star, yes we did go nc, for 11 days but are now back full contact. It didn't suit either of us well.

If this is d-day I'll be curious to see how it plays out. He always said he wouldn't give a *hit because she cheated first. We shall see. I'll keep u posted!

 

W is probably doing retroactive investigating right now. I'm sure she is aware there is more then a couple texts going on here. Are you really sure she cheated on him? My xH used to use this to make his OW feel like what they were doing wasn't that bad. I know of at least 3 OW he told that lie to. Do you want D-Day to happen? Do you want him all to yourself? I know you probably don't want MM to be upset with you for doing anything like causing dDay but would you be happy it did happen?

[KarmasTestDummy]

Karma do you really want to be a part of gaslighting this woman?

 

Think how awful you feel just wondering if his W knows.

 

Can you imagine how awful she feels thinking her H may be with another woman? Asking him and being told no its your imagination? Do you really want to be apart of that? Its really cruel.

 

To be honest, I have zero sympathy for this particular woman. Most BS I do recognize and sympathize with what a horrifying and traumatizing experience this may be (been there myself) but for her...I have had to allow myself to believe everything he's told me' about her and therefore feel that she has earned every ounce of betrayal she gets.

That may make me' sound heartless and like a horrible person but I have always felt she had it coming and deep down wished she could know the same feelings that she has put him through. Let's just say if she were to contact me' personally seeking facts, my loyalty would lie with him. I wouldn't sit here feeding her information or share stories about, "well he told me' this and this so we've been seeing eachother since mm/dd/yy, and remember those weekends where he said he was going to XYZ, well he was really with me'."

I'd probably just say I don't know what she's talking about and to quit calling my house trying to start trouble.

He will let me' know something today. I'm sure of it, so there really is no sitting and waiting and wondering at this point. I'm strangely not overly concerned. I'm pretty confident whether she knows or not will change nothing, and if it does...then I'm a big girl, independent, and what will be, will be.

[porter218]

To be honest, I have zero sympathy for this particular woman. Most BS I do recognize and sympathize with what a horrifying and traumatizing experience this may be (been there myself) but for her...I have had to allow myself to believe everything he's told me' about her and therefore feel that she has earned every ounce of betrayal she gets.

That may make me' sound heartless and like a horrible person but I have always felt she had it coming and deep down wished she could know the same feelings that she has put him through. Let's just say if she were to contact me' personally seeking facts, my loyalty would lie with him. I wouldn't sit here feeding her information or share stories about, "well he told me' this and this so we've been seeing eachother since mm/dd/yy, and remember those weekends where he said he was going to XYZ, well he was really with me'."

I'd probably just say I don't know what she's talking about and to quit calling my house trying to start trouble.

He will let me' know something today. I'm sure of it, so there really is no sitting and waiting and wondering at this point. I'm strangely not overly concerned. I'm pretty confident whether she knows or not will change nothing, and if it does...then I'm a big girl, independent, and what will be, will be.

 

Hmmm.... Be careful with this attitude. I hope she is nothing like me. Where I would normally have been respectful, understanding, and likable in a conversation with an OW. This type of reaction from the OW would spur a bit of rage. This I have dealt with one time before and luckily where I live I am allowed to sue the OW. I would never normally do that but if she acted like that towards me I absolutely would exercise that right You may think she deserves to be treated like dirt, and IDK...maybe she does but also maybe she doesn't. In your side of the A you could have been fed whatever the MM wants you to think and may not know a thing about who the BS is.

[TigerCub]

To be honest, I have zero sympathy for this particular woman. Most BS I do recognize and sympathize with what a horrifying and traumatizing experience this may be (been there myself) but for her...I have had to allow myself to believe everything he's told me' about her and therefore feel that she has earned every ounce of betrayal she gets.

But you only allowed yourself to believe just so you wouldn't feel bad about cheating with him. I find what you said really interesting.

[jj33]

To be honest, I have zero sympathy for this particular woman. Most BS I do recognize and sympathize with what a horrifying and traumatizing experience this may be (been there myself) but for her...I have had to allow myself to believe everything he's told me' about her and therefore feel that she has earned every ounce of betrayal she gets.

That may make me' sound heartless and like a horrible person but I have always felt she had it coming and deep down wished she could know the same feelings that she has put him through. Let's just say if she were to contact me' personally seeking facts, my loyalty would lie with him. I wouldn't sit here feeding her information or share stories about, "well he told me' this and this so we've been seeing eachother since mm/dd/yy, and remember those weekends where he said he was going to XYZ, well he was really with me'."

I'd probably just say I don't know what she's talking about and to quit calling my house trying to start trouble.

He will let me' know something today. I'm sure of it, so there really is no sitting and waiting and wondering at this point. I'm strangely not overly concerned. I'm pretty confident whether she knows or not will change nothing, and if it does...then I'm a big girl, independent, and what will be, will be.

 

Karma your name is ironic given your stance.

 

If she is the big bad wolf and so evil WHY IS HE THERE? And WHY isnt he manning up?

 

OWoman was in a particular situatoin with her husband are you saying this is the same? that he is so emotionally abused he doesnt know how to extricate himself and that is OK with you?

 

Think about it, because if that is OK thats a particular relationship dynamic and its not necessarily going to change once hes out of hte marriage without a whole lot of counselling.

[KarmasTestDummy]

W is probably doing retroactive investigating right now. I'm sure she is aware there is more then a couple texts going on here. Are you really sure she cheated on him? My xH used to use this to make his OW feel like what they were doing wasn't that bad. I know of at least 3 OW he told that lie to. Do you want D-Day to happen? Do you want him all to yourself? I know you probably don't want MM to be upset with you for doing anything like causing dDay but would you be happy it did happen?

 

I can't say for sure she has cheated but I have seen her profile he showed me' on a couple of dating websites that she frequents. She was seeking someone to chat with and exchange pictures with. It's a known adult site though. Her excuse was that she was just bored and lonely as a stay at home mom and wanted to meet 'friend's'. I believe she's gaslighting him as much as he is her.

[KarmasTestDummy]

But you only allowed yourself to believe just so you wouldn't feel bad about cheating with him. I find what you said really interesting.

 

Yes and no. I think I had to allow myself to trust him to feel okay about having the affair. It didn't come instantly. We have had relentless hours and hours around the wife and her role and he has never ever wavered in anyway to give me' any reason to think he is fabricating things. I can look at his face when he's talking about her and see the hurt and genuine passion he has in his anger and resentment towards her. We've spent evenings together with zero sex involved because I was there for him just to vent and spout off about her recent behaviors. It's not just a means to gain my sympathy and end up in my bed, I am there for him as a confidante and shoulder to cry on. To me', this is an honest man with real pain and.I do believe in my wholest of hearts she is what he says.

Does this help me' with any guilt I would have towards being with him otherwise? Yes, I'm sure it does.

[KarmasTestDummy]

W is probably doing retroactive investigating right now. I'm sure she is aware there is more then a couple texts going on here. Are you really sure she cheated on him? My xH used to use this to make his OW feel like what they were doing wasn't that bad. I know of at least 3 OW he told that lie to. Do you want D-Day to happen? Do you want him all to yourself? I know you probably don't want MM to be upset with you for doing anything like causing dDay but would you be happy it did happen?

 

There is only one reason I would want d-day to happen and that is if she would be angry and leave. But I don't think she will or would. She relies on him financially. She cares very much about appearance sake and the lifestyle she's accustomed to...otherwise I think she would have left already to seek her own happiness.

So with that being said, no not really. It is easier having her not know. I'd rather her not have grounds to stand on to take him for every dollar in the divorce, and I'd rather her not have the satisfaction of clearing her guilty conscience of her affairs by being able to say well he did it too.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Karma your name is ironic given your stance.

 

If she is the big bad wolf and so evil WHY IS HE THERE? And WHY isnt he manning up?

 

OWoman was in a particular situatoin with her husband are you saying this is the same? that he is so emotionally abused he doesnt know how to extricate himself and that is OK with you?

 

Think about it, because if that is OK thats a particular relationship dynamic and its not necessarily going to change once hes out of hte marriage without a whole lot of counselling.

 

I'm not familiar with Owoman's situation so I can't say whether this is like that or not. I have shared in past posts his reasons for not leaving at this time though, and would rather not have to retype it all. It's far more complicated than a matter of him being abused to the point of not being able to leave. He was on his way out the door when we met and his stance on when this will occur has not changed.

[porter218]

There is only one reason I would want d-day to happen and that is if she would be angry and leave. But I don't think she will or would. She relies on him financially. She cares very much about appearance sake and the lifestyle she's accustomed to...otherwise I think she would have left already to seek her own happiness.

So with that being said, no not really. It is easier having her not know. I'd rather her not have grounds to stand on to take him for every dollar in the divorce, and I'd rather her not have the satisfaction of clearing her guilty conscience of her affairs by being able to say well he did it too.

 

If she has in fact been unfaithful and given all these circumstances are true... I will go out on a ledge and say I understand your reasoning. However I do hope he isn't getting revenge for something that never happened. What if he is doing all this and she never did anything other then exchange photos on an adult website? All this over nothing..? It sounds messy all around. I guess you will have to walk on eggshells for now.

[Star_Bright]

Wow, the situation sounds so stressful, I wish you the best, whatever happens.

[KarmasTestDummy]

If she has in fact been unfaithful and given all these circumstances are true... I will go out on a ledge and say I understand your reasoning. However I do hope he isn't getting revenge for something that never happened. What if he is doing all this and she never did anything other then exchange photos on an adult website? All this over nothing..? It sounds messy all around. I guess you will have to walk on eggshells for now.

 

He has other proof on her affairs, after intercepting emails, etc but the most recent situation was what he is positive about is that he thinks she had an abortion. He has been snipped now for two years. He came back from having to work out of town for three days and all she was doing was laying around the house in a very depressive state. He noticed there were maxi pads (not her typical tampons) in the bathroom trash can and they were heavily bled on. She said she was just having a very bad, crampy menstrual period. Then they were there much longer than typical...and he told me that he checked her phone voicemail and there was a message on a Saturday from a dr (not an office but the dr himself) wanting to confirm she was still okay with her decision and coming in for the procedure that afternoon...and if so to make sure she had someone who could drive her home after.

He confronted her and she blew up on him and started throwing things at him. That was one of the nights he left and stayed at my place just completely disgusted and horrified with her.

[Angel1111]

Their marriage sounds like a total mess. He would be smart just to walk away from it. But I can already guess the answer - kids. What they don't know is that they're screwing up their kids more than they would if they were divorced. Well the plus side of this is that if she continues to screw around, then that gives him permission to do the same. I just hope he's not sleeping with her because you could get an STD. I'm not sure I'd be agreeable to this arrangement. And even if he says that he's not sleeping with her, you don't know that for sure. It has happened that men who were 'clipped' still get a woman pregnant. It's pretty common actually. So she may have aborted his child.

 

Oh, yea....he joys of being with a married man.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Their marriage sounds like a total mess. He would be smart just to walk away from it. But I can already guess the answer - kids. What they don't know is that they're screwing up their kids more than they would if they were divorced. Well the plus side of this is that if she continues to screw around, then that gives him permission to do the same. I just hope he's not sleeping with her because you could get an STD. I'm not sure I'd be agreeable to this arrangement. And even if he says that he's not sleeping with her, you don't know that for sure. It has happened that men who were 'clipped' still get a woman pregnant. It's pretty common actually. So she may have aborted his child.

 

Oh, yea....he joys of being with a married man.

 

He has told me' over and over again that he has not been sleeping with her. I all but said I don't care if he is (that it's his wife and I would expect no less) just to make sure he felt comfortable that he could be honest with me' on the subject. Yes I do care, and no I wouldn't want to worry whether he was catching something from her ema, but to have him feel like he can tell me' the truth is of most importance. I did get told right away that there was one night they were together when we went NC. I have since asked him to go to the dr for STD check-up before i would sleep with him again, which he did. I think the thought bothers him just as much because he knows that the class of men she associates with are druggies and alcoholics. I posed the same thing to him about the possibility of the baby still being his and I could sense the frustration in my not believing him as he told me' "that would be all fine and dandy if I had even had sex with her in months. Besides why would she lie and hide it if she knew the only way she got pregnant was from her husband?"

[Angel1111]

Besides why would she lie and hide it if she knew the only way she got pregnant was from her husband?"

 

She would lie because she's screwing around on him and doesn't think it's possible to get pregnant by him.

 

So, if he says it over and over again, then he must be telling the truth, right? I'm not saying your MM is lying to you or not. But what I am saying is that you're taking a big risk. He very well could be lying, and don't kid yourself that he's being completely honest. The very nature of your relationship with him invites lying. Confessing to having sex with her while the two of you were broken up isn't really much of a confession, is it? And now that he knows you'll require a medical test every time he tells you about sleeping with her, he's not likely to bring it up again. You actually should care about whether he's sleeping with her or not, or even about the possibility that he's sleeping with her, because it would be tragic to get a disease. This is way too much risk if you ask me.

[KarmasTestDummy]

She would lie because she's screwing around on him and doesn't think it's possible to get pregnant by him.

 

So, if he says it over and over again, then he must be telling the truth, right? I'm not saying your MM is lying to you or not. But what I am saying is that you're taking a big risk. He very well could be lying, and don't kid yourself that he's being completely honest. The very nature of your relationship with him invites lying. Confessing to having sex with her while the two of you were broken up isn't really much of a confession, is it? And now that he knows you'll require a medical test every time he tells you about sleeping with her, he's not likely to bring it up again. You actually should care about whether he's sleeping with her or not, or even about the possibility that he's sleeping with her, because it would be tragic to get a disease. This is way too much risk if you ask me.

 

I understand where you're coming from. I'm not foolish. We have with the exception of 2 slip ups always used condoms anyway. Afterall, I'm single and there is no expectation that I have to remain monogomous to him (though I am) so we practice safe sex anyway. And I have been tested in the last few months myself because my exh was having an affair on me and they said to come back 6 months after the first check up, which I just recently did. As of now...we're all clean and I'd like to keep it that way.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Well not d-day so to speak...just talked to him. We both have iPhones and met on an application called whoshere that let's u chat with other people who also have the app. After we met we both deleted the app but I guess she went through his iTunes account history and found it on there from when he downloaded it, so she got on his phone and added it back on and when u do that ur profile is saved from the last time u used it, as well as ur chat history. She saw that he had been talking to me and where I gave him my number to text if he wanted to. At that time it was very casual and friendly. Nothing of concern. His profile admitted he was married, 4 kids looking to meet friends locally.

I guess he told her he talked to me' for a little while back when we first met and that was it. Me actually saying hey stranger back just confirmed his story since I didn't say another word after that. So yea the lie continues, but she's definitely pissed and untrusting right now.

[whichwayisup]

How do you know if he actually has been snipped? And even if he has, it IS possible that it didn't work. I know of three couples who now have an 'expected' child, one actually was born 2 1/2 years after the snip.

 

You believe every single word that comes out of his mouth, no wonder you have no empathy or sympathy for his wife. It's all HIS side of the story.

 

And yes, rightfully so she should have mistrust and be pissed at him. He's gaslighting her, and lying to her. If he loved you so much and wanted out of his marriage, then he would so. He hasn't, which more than likely means he's just enjoying the benefits of the affair.