24 hrs nc...not like him...fearing d-day

[fooled once]

Ok, I don't mean to be unsupportive here, but what happens after 11 days of NC and you start missing him? Are you going to be willing to accept less than before?

 

I'm glad you are staying away from him, but be prepared for his return.

 

Good question and had already started this before I saw your answer.

 

My guess is that he is not giving *her* another chance, but that she is giving *him* another chance.

 

If my instincts are right, at that point you will tell him to kiss off, because I think you really are that smart!

 

My thoughts exactly.

 

Karma,

 

I hope you realize that the advice/posts you were given were from many, many former OW who have been there; done that - got the t shirt posters.

 

There is so many commonalities in so many affairs. We aren't just a bunch of mean women who don't want to see others happy.

 

We have learned through EXPERIENCE and we have hurt through those experiences.

 

I hope you are NOT going to go back to him and you begin to realize all these excuses and lines he gave you just do not add up. If she was this horrible person he claimed her to be, and was so abusive and such a crappy mother, he would be running, with his children - as far from her as possible. Instead, he is "giving her another chance". More story telling from him.

 

Good luck to you and I wish you continued strength in the days/months ahead.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Whatever fog you were in, believing every single word he told you about his marriage, his wife, etc - has lifted and from where I sit, reality is staring you in the face. Glad this happened now and not in a year or two from now.

 

I know I may have been harsh in some of my replies to you, but I just wanted to try to wake you up. This guy and his true colours have woken you up!

 

Stay strong and keep posting.

 

Yeah, there was probably plenty he could have said that would have kept me' hanging on, but his choice of words sealed his coffin. To tell me' all that crap about his wife and then have the gall to tell me' he owes her a fair chance. As fogged as I was, even I could see that was some blatant bull$hit. You tell me' that a woman who has been that awful to you deserves more of a chamce fir a future than me' then that really shows what

My value is to him. I don't always likethe harshness, but it actually did come at the perfect time. I needed to open my eyes a little and see him for who he is.

[whichwayisup]

Yeah, there was probably plenty he could have said that would have kept me' hanging on, but his choice of words sealed his coffin. To tell me' all that crap about his wife and then have the gall to tell me' he owes her a fair chance. As fogged as I was, even I could see that was some blatant bull$hit. You tell me' that a woman who has been that awful to you deserves more of a chamce fir a future than me' then that really shows what

My value is to him. I don't always likethe harshness, but it actually did come at the perfect time. I needed to open my eyes a little and see him for who he is.

 

He greatly exaggerated stuff to suit him best. My guess is, his wife isn't half as bad as he's made her out to be. And I doubt very much all that drug use talk he said she's done in recent years, is true either.

 

When he tries to contact you again, and he will at some point, IGNORE him. Post here instead of responding, even if it kills you inside. Silence can say so much more than words can in a situation like this and he doesn't deserve to hear from you ever again. He made his choice. He refused to let you in on what was said. Let your ego and pride take over, don't give him the satisifaction of your reaction, your saddness, tears, etc.

[jennie-jennie]

Yeah, there was probably plenty he could have said that would have kept me' hanging on, but his choice of words sealed his coffin. To tell me' all that crap about his wife and then have the gall to tell me' he owes her a fair chance. As fogged as I was, even I could see that was some blatant bull$hit. You tell me' that a woman who has been that awful to you deserves more of a chamce fir a future than me' then that really shows what

My value is to him. I don't always likethe harshness, but it actually did come at the perfect time. I needed to open my eyes a little and see him for who he is.

 

MM tend to not feel able to let go of their marriages without giving them a fair chance. It is par for the course. It has nothing to do with how much they value the OW or about giving her a fair chance. They already had a commitment, so giving that commitment a fair chance comes first in time in their mind. Which is logical if you think about it.

 

You seem to have gotten yourself an ordinary MM. Perhaps it is not so much of an exit affair as you tended to believe?

 

MM usually are not able to work on their marriages even when they break contact with the OW because she still has too big a place in their heart. So he will most likely be back with you in a while. Notice that be back with you does not equal being ready to end the marriage.

 

You seem to have decided that you are done with the affair. We all have to weigh the benefits with the negative consequences. Most of us OW would rather have a regular relationship than an affair. So if this is it for you, then it is, I hope the future has a single man in store for you soon instead!

[KarmasTestDummy]

So the common theme now is that you say he will contact me' again. Sounds like this is more been there, done that, got the t-shirt and battle wounds that go along with it, so please tell me' play by play what the 'typical' events and words are at this time so I can be on my toes and expect it when it comes out of his mouth and recognize it for more fluff.

What, he'll want me' back? Still won't be ready to leave because of xyz, but actually have something flowery enough that's supposed to make this sound even remotely acceptable? Please, share what his reasoning to draw me' back in could possibly be. I don't wanna come back and be the girl that says, oh but he told me he tried and "she just kept doing her same old tricks and I know at this point I've given it every fair chance she deserves and you're the only one who could understand why I felt like I had to...ya know, for the kids best interest."

I think I'm prepared for that one. I think my answer would be a 'well great, if you've resolved that you have done everything within your power to save the M and can't do it, then the only thing left to do is leave it' which he won't so I won't get sucked back in that way...but what other bs might he feed me' that could make me' waver my strength?

[donnamaybe]

So the common theme now is that you say he will contact me' again. Sounds like this is more been there, done that, got the t-shirt and battle wounds that go along with it, so please tell me' play by play what the 'typical' events and words are at this time so I can be on my toes and expect it when it comes out of his mouth and recognize it for more fluff.

What, he'll want me' back? Still won't be ready to leave because of xyz, but actually have something flowery enough that's supposed to make this sound even remotely acceptable? Please, share what his reasoning to draw me' back in could possibly be. I don't wanna come back and be the girl that says, oh but he told me he tried and "she just kept doing her same old tricks and I know at this point I've given it every fair chance she deserves and you're the only one who could understand why I felt like I had to...ya know, for the kids best interest."

I think I'm prepared for that one. I think my answer would be a 'well great, if you've resolved that you have done everything within your power to save the M and can't do it, then the only thing left to do is leave it' which he won't so I won't get sucked back in that way...but what other bs might he feed me' that could make me' waver my strength?

Simple. If things are still so "awful" but he hasn't left his M, you'll know he's full of crap.

[Owl]

KTD, I'm a fBS so I can't speak from direct experience.

 

But I've been here a long time now, seen a LOT of stories.

 

In the next two weeks or so, as soon as he feels that he can get away without getting caught, he's going to send you a "miss you" text/email/phone call. He's going to whine about how much he loves you, how much he misses you, how hard it is without you.

 

Or, it'll be a "phishing expedition". It'll be a simple little innocuous text saying "I probably shouldn't send this, but hope you're doing ok".

 

He'll be looking for ANY kind of response from you...positive or negative. It'll feed his 'addiction' to contact with you, and it'll reopen those closed doors. It'll re-establish communication between the two of you...it doesn't matter if it's negative communication at first, because he's a past master of spinning this all back around in the direction he wants it to go.

 

The best solution is to remove his avenues of approach. Block his numbers/emails/IMs/etc... change your number/email/etc... where at all possible.

 

Prevent him from contacting you and hunting for that chink in your armor that lets him back in again.

 

If you allow any contact at all...he's going to find a way to win his way back in again, more than likely. The cycle will repeat until you finally get angry/hurt enough to actually REMOVE him from your life.

 

No disrespect to anyone meant in this post...just observations of what I've seen in my time here.

[porter218]

its really likely his wife is not so bad. I mean think about what he said...when he got caught communicating with you and she suspects him of cheating he says to you 'she asked me to give her a fair chance'. Does that even make sense to you, Karma? It sounds like he is less then truthful with you. I find it likely he may come back after a few weeks with another horrible thing this monstrous W of his has done and needing your shoulder to cry on . All created as a way to slowly pull u back in as a 'friend'( at first). He will wait till he has you back as a friend to then make his move once you've kinda forgotten about how you are feeling today. He could even come up with a story about how they are starting their separation process but out of the kindness of his heart he will let her stay in their home(and his bed). Just be prepared and be intune with you instincts. if it doesn't make sense then it probably isn't true.

[KarmasTestDummy]

its really likely his wife is not so bad. I mean think about what he said...when he got caught communicating with you and she suspects him of cheating he says to you 'she asked me to give her a fair chance'. Does that even make sense to you, Karma? It sounds like he is less then truthful with you. I find it likely he may come back after a few weeks with another horrible thing this monstrous W of his has done and needing your shoulder to cry on . All created as a way to slowly pull u back in as a 'friend'( at first). He will wait till he has you back as a friend to then make his move once you've kinda forgotten about how you are feeling today. He could even come up with a story about how they are starting their separation process but out of the kindness of his heart he will let her stay in their home(and his bed). Just be prepared and be intune with you instincts. if it doesn't make sense then it probably isn't true.

 

The giving her a fair chance request did make sense in the regard of when he busted

Her talking to other guys. They were supposed to be working on the M then and she was supposed to have cut ties...but instead he stayed and began his own expedition, hence his heart never even tried. She didn't get a 'fair' chance at saving the M.

[KarmasTestDummy]

KTD, I'm a fBS so I can't speak from direct experience.

 

But I've been here a long time now, seen a LOT of stories.

 

In the next two weeks or so, as soon as he feels that he can get away without getting caught, he's going to send you a "miss you" text/email/phone call. He's going to whine about how much he loves you, how much he misses you, how hard it is without you.

 

Or, it'll be a "phishing expedition". It'll be a simple little innocuous text saying "I probably shouldn't send this, but hope you're doing ok".

 

He'll be looking for ANY kind of response from you...positive or negative. It'll feed his 'addiction' to contact with you, and it'll reopen those closed doors. It'll re-establish communication between the two of you...it doesn't matter if it's negative communication at first, because he's a past master of spinning this all back around in the direction he wants it to go.

 

The best solution is to remove his avenues of approach. Block his numbers/emails/IMs/etc... change your number/email/etc... where at all possible.

 

Prevent him from contacting you and hunting for that chink in your armor that lets him back in again.

 

If you allow any contact at all...he's going to find a way to win his way back in again, more than likely. The cycle will repeat until you finally get angry/hurt enough to actually REMOVE him from your life.

 

No disrespect to anyone meant in this post...just observations of what I've seen in my time here.

 

Great observation skills you have oWL. That sounds pretty dead on! I'm trying to resolve why ignoring his text or just changing my number doesn't sound like something I could do. Why do I feel compelled to hear him out? To wanna know what his excuses are?

[BB07]

Karma........I have had a bad feeling about this man ever since you started posting. I'm afraid that you are going to find out that almost every word out of his mouth about his wife has been lies.

 

Please be careful and if you've made up your mind that you can not tolerate things as they ARE, don't let him pull you back into it. Take care of your heart.

[porter218]

Karma........I have had a bad feeling about this man ever since you started posting. I'm afraid that you are going to find out that almost every word out of his mouth about his wife has been lies.

 

Please be careful and if you've made up your mind that you can not tolerate things as they ARE, don't let him pull you back into it. Take care of your heart.

 

I must agree with BB. Between my experience of years on LS, 13yr as a PI, and just plain intuition.... your MM is using wild exagerations of his Ws behavior(i think they are 20% true at best) as a way to lure a respectable woman into an A.

[Owl]

Great observation skills you have oWL. That sounds pretty dead on! I'm trying to resolve why ignoring his text or just changing my number doesn't sound like something I could do. Why do I feel compelled to hear him out? To wanna know what his excuses are?

 

In all honesty, because you crave that "contact" with him as much as he does with you.

 

You're just as addicted to the whole situation...and contact is contact...whether it's positive or negative.

 

And especially after you've been NC for a while, you'll take ANY contact, positive or negative.

 

You want to know what his excuses are because it still keeps the affair going in some aspect...it still continues interaction between you...it still maintains contact and in truth still leaves the "possibility" open that things might still work out between you.

 

That's why you have to take direct ACTION to prevent contact from occurring again. You have to actively take measures to remove him from your life. Block him from contacting you...make it more difficult for you to contact him when you feel like slipping.

 

Remove him from all your communications like FB, email, phone, etc...

 

Prevent him from contacting you via those same methods.

 

Shore up a "support plan" with friends and family who can help you grieve through the loss of this relationship, and be your shoulder when you need one.

[BB07]

I must agree with BB. Between my experience of years on LS, 13yr as a PI, and just plain intuition.... your MM is using wild exagerations of his Ws behavior(i think they are 20% true at best) as a way to lure a respectable woman into an A.

 

Karma, your mm scares me because he plays on your sympathies with his poor pitiful me thing. He may be invoking the sympathy thing about how difficult their life is and how hard they are having it. They take a little piece of truth and blow it up, use it for all it's worth. It's a game so that he takes the focus off of himself and also he lessons his accountability in your eyes, because you feel bad for the poor man, because he is having it so hard. So you cut him some slack.....

Making his wife look like the cheating lazy druggie bitch from hell and a bad mother to boot, makes him look like the poor suffering man. Is it real..........or has he set you up?

[Star_Bright]

Great observation skills you have oWL. That sounds pretty dead on! I'm trying to resolve why ignoring his text or just changing my number doesn't sound like something I could do. Why do I feel compelled to hear him out? To wanna know what his excuses are?

 

I agree with those who have said it's an addiction. You are still hoping for a fix and that will just start the relationship all over again. If you are really done, be done, and don't contact him. I am trying to take my own advice.

[MorningCoffee]

I agree with those who have said it's an addiction. You are still hoping for a fix and that will just start the relationship all over again. If you are really done, be done, and don't contact him. I am trying to take my own advice.

 

Me, too, trying to take this advice and really be done.

 

I composed a sign on my computer, printed it out, and taped up on my fridge:

 

quote: "She's GONE. I'm MOVIN' ON!"

 

Trying to look at that every time I feel that addictive pull to remind myself of the truth that I know, and now must learn to accept and live by.

 

C'mon, all. We can do this!

[Star_Bright]

Me, too, trying to take this advice and really be done.

 

I composed a sign on my computer, printed it out, and taped up on my fridge:

 

quote: "She's GONE. I'm MOVIN' ON!"

 

Trying to look at that every time I feel that addictive pull to remind myself of the truth that I know, and now must learn to accept and live by.

 

C'mon, all. We can do this!

 

I think I am going to need your cheerleading and support soon myself. I hope you will come help me!!!! It's inspiring that you have been able to stay NC. I have miserably failed at it, and have an excuse for every time.

[In_Repair]

In fact, many MM have a very strong drive to be totally honest with their affair partner for the very reason that they are lying to their spouses. They need one place in the world where they are totally honest. Thus, it is in many cases likely that the level of honesty is higher in an extramarital relationship than in regular relationships.

 

I know this is from the beginning of the thread and I haven't read the rest of the responses yet, but I had to chime in on this one since it's a new theme for the proud OW/OM here.

 

Yes, unless they had to lie to get you in the first place, then they will tend to be open and completely honest with you... until the point comes when you start questioning them on things and expecting them to back up all of that "honesty" with actions. You OW, especially, just sit there with your love filled little eyes and eat up everything that man serves you. Why would he bother to lie in that situation? Move a little closer to reality, the lighting is better... you might see a few things you missed before.

 

Of course this doesn't apply to the MM/MW chaser, who finds comfort in such arrangements and never really wants it to or cares if it goes any further than an affair. Again, why would they lie to you? Or if it was just about sex. Why lie then? I'm talking about the vast majority of APs who are in an active and sustained affair, but have desires that it actually develops into a "normal" relationship.

[NoIDidn't]

I know this is from the beginning of the thread and I haven't read the rest of the responses yet, but I had to chime in on this one since it's a new theme for the proud OW/OM here.

 

Yes, unless they had to lie to get you in the first place, then they will tend to be open and completely honest with you... until the point comes when you start questioning them on things and expecting them to back up all of that "honesty" with actions. You OW, especially, just sit there with your love filled little eyes and eat up everything that man serves you. Why would he bother to lie in that situation? Move a little closer to reality, the lighting is better... you might see a few things you missed before.

 

Of course this doesn't apply to the MM/MW chaser, who finds comfort in such arrangements and never really wants it to or cares if it goes any further than an affair. Again, why would they lie to you? Or if it was just about sex. Why lie then? I'm talking about the vast majority of APs who are in an active and sustained affair, but have desires that it actually develops into a "normal" relationship.

 

You are so right about the lying starting when the OW starts questioning things. That was me. Either lying or stonewalling.

 

But the "love filled eyes" is a bit much.

[NoIDidn't]

Ok, I don't mean to be unsupportive here, but what happens after 11 days of NC and you start missing him? Are you going to be willing to accept less than before?

 

I'm glad you are staying away from him, but be prepared for his return.

 

I don't think this is unsupportive. Its what happens so often. Its only realistic to ask where the resolve shown today will be in a few more days after being challenged with missing him.

[MorningCoffee]

I think I am going to need your cheerleading and support soon myself. I hope you will come help me!!!! It's inspiring that you have been able to stay NC. I have miserably failed at it, and have an excuse for every time.

 

Thanks, but I am not any shining example - I told her way back, many months ago, not to contact me unless it was to tell me she was divorced. But I couldn't stick to the very NC I asked for, either, and ended up contacting her in August. Details here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247583/

 

But I needed to get an answer, and after four phone calls and an email exchange over two months, I finally have the answer I needed. I am more firmly resolved that I am done. Hence, the fridge sign and a renewed determination.

 

Star Bright, don't beat yourself up for "miserable failure" if there's a break in NC. These are/were people we love/loved, for heaven's sake. Wanting contact is as natural as breathing. It's just not good for us, there is an element of addiction, for sure, and there is no future in it.

 

A friend of mine says each time I slip up, I actually get closer to completing my breaking free. I do think there is truth to this.

 

Best to you.

[Star_Bright]

Thanks, but I am not any shining example - I told her way back, many months ago, not to contact me unless it was to tell me she was divorced. But I couldn't stick to the very NC I asked for, either, and ended up contacting her in August. Details here http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247583/

 

But I needed to get an answer, and after four phone calls and an email exchange over two months, I finally have the answer I needed. I am more firmly resolved that I am done. Hence, the fridge sign and a renewed determination.

 

Star Bright, don't beat yourself up for "miserable failure" if there's a break in NC. These are/were people we love/loved, for heaven's sake. Wanting contact is as natural as breathing. It's just not good for us, there is an element of addiction, for sure, and there is no future in it.

 

A friend of mine says each time I slip up, I actually get closer to completing my breaking free. I do think there is truth to this.

 

Best to you.

 

Thanks for the inspiration and kind words, MorningCoffee.

[jennie-jennie]

I know this is from the beginning of the thread and I haven't read the rest of the responses yet, but I had to chime in on this one since it's a new theme for the proud OW/OM here.

 

Yes, unless they had to lie to get you in the first place, then they will tend to be open and completely honest with you... until the point comes when you start questioning them on things and expecting them to back up all of that "honesty" with actions. You OW, especially, just sit there with your love filled little eyes and eat up everything that man serves you. Why would he bother to lie in that situation? Move a little closer to reality, the lighting is better... you might see a few things you missed before.

 

Of course this doesn't apply to the MM/MW chaser, who finds comfort in such arrangements and never really wants it to or cares if it goes any further than an affair. Again, why would they lie to you? Or if it was just about sex. Why lie then? I'm talking about the vast majority of APs who are in an active and sustained affair, but have desires that it actually develops into a "normal" relationship.

 

As in all relationships I have had, yes my eyes were love filled in the beginning, the first year or so.

 

As in all long term relationships I have had, the love between my MM and I has settled down to a long term, steady love without those love filled eyes.

 

And you can be sure I have demanded action from the very start. My MM just isn't good at obliging me. He does things at his own speed.

 

For some extramarital relationships it may hold true that they do not follow the pattern of a regular relationship. Other extramarital relationships do.

Edited October 5, 2010 by jennie-jennie

[Star_Bright]

As in all relationships I have had, yes my eyes were love filled in the beginning, the first year or so.

 

As in all long term relationships I have had, the love between my MM and I has settled down to a long term, steady love without those love filled eyes.

 

And you can be sure I have demanded action from the very start. My MM just isn't good at obliging me. He does things at his own speed.

 

For some extramarital relationships it may hold true that they do not follow the pattern of a regular relationship. Other extramarital relationships do.

 

I'm just curious about whether he says he will get divorced, or does he say he plans to stay married? What is "at his own speed"?

[jennie-jennie]

I'm just curious about whether he says he will get divorced, or does he say he plans to stay married? What is "at his own speed"?

 

When we first started out together, he said quite plainly that he would never get a divorce.

 

Now he says he either will or he will be miserable for the rest of his life.

 

I actually wonder if he believes more in us ending up together than I do. He tends to be more optimistic, and I more skeptical. For the next couple of years there are practical matters preventing us both anyway.

 

He has changed profoundly during our years together, but his roots in his family are deep. He moves closer to me all the time, but the process is slow, and who knows if he will ever have moved close enough to me to actually end his marriage.

 

As an OW you need to decide whether the relationship provides you with enough today to be worth it even if your relationship will always be an affair. There are no guarantees for the future.