24 hrs nc...not like him...fearing d-day

[KarmasTestDummy]

Where are these safe guys? I could use one of them right about now. I'd love to be adored. My mm said I'm intimidating to guys. After I left exh I got a world of renewed confidence, lost weight, had a tummy tuck and implants, have a good job and education. I'm friendly and perky and I think pretty attractive, so what am I doing wrong?

 

I don't mean that to come off as egotistic. I'm trying to build my confidence back up, not say I'm the $hit. I know better than that. When the makeup comes off, the ponytail goes up and the flannel jammies go on, I'm just the average Jane wishing and waiting for someone who likes that part of me too.

[donnamaybe]

I don't mean that to come off as egotistic. I'm trying to build my confidence back up, not say I'm the $hit. I know better than that. When the makeup comes off, the ponytail goes up and the flannel jammies go on, I'm just the average Jane wishing and waiting for someone who likes that part of me too.

I didn't feel you were coming off that way. To me you were merely expressing that your appearance makes you feel good. There's nothing wrong with that. And trust me, there are lots of guys wishing for a nice gal. Maybe they are intimidated as well? You'd be surprised at the number of good looking NICE men who won't approach a good looking gal because they are worried about getting shot down.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing. You want a nice guy, sure, but you also want a guy who expects to be treated with respect. You don't want a doormat. Don't worry - he'll find you.

[Star_Bright]

Where are these safe guys? I could use one of them right about now. I'd love to be adored. My mm said I'm intimidating to guys. After I left exh I got a world of renewed confidence, lost weight, had a tummy tuck and implants, have a good job and education. I'm friendly and perky and I think pretty attractive, so what am I doing wrong?

 

Well when I said "safe"... it probably means not very desirable to you or most women. I've dated a couple guys who were just losers... not to be mean, but it's like, they had nothing going for them, they claimed they were finishing school or getting a good job but never did, etc. And then a couple who were okay but people would say, what do you see in him?... like, they wouldn't be attractive, or they wouldn't have my same education/career level, or both.

 

It was a big problem for me and I guess it showed my sense of self-worth... I guess I thought only someone "beneath" me (or, now, married?! ha ha) would want to date me. MM is the only guy I've ever "dated" who has the same or better education level and career.

 

And I don't mean to be egotistical either! Ha ha. I see myself better now that I used to... I know I am pretty, ambitious, intelligent, fun, educated, etc... but in the past I used to focus on my all my bad qualities -- too sensitive, too shy, always feeling awkward and out of place, sometimes a bit overweight, etc. When I hear what other people say about me -- not just MM who is obviously biased -- but, like, my assistants or colleagues or acquaintances, I'm like wow, they think I'm really cool... I get descriptors like happy-go-lucky, a go-getter, motivated, friendly, etc., and I'm flabber-gasted because I just don't feel that way at all! I feel reserved and shy and inadequate. So I've been trying hard to focus on my positive aspects and try to see myself how these other people see me instead of putting myself down.

 

It's funny that i keep dragging things out with MM because I also keep telling myself that I want to live a happy single life and love myself. I want to make the best life ever for myself and then only date a guy who has the same happy life. MM is a real "fixer-upper" in many ways, which has been pointed out to me by many on this forum, ha ha, but I feel this connection with him and like we have a lot in common, so I think I'm a fixer-upper too! And it's so hard to suddenly think, okay, I'm done with this old life and ready to start my new life. But I do fantasize about it and right now I am trying to focus on myself and my goals and less on MM and his issues. Baby steps I guess.

 

But YOU, you are completely free my dear and you can have your happy life right now and wait for someone with a similar life to come along. I envy you yet I stay stuck in my poopy situation because I don't have the strength or heart or resolve to walk away.

[fooled once]

I can relate too! I'm almost 30 and have never been in a healthy relationship. I have had a lot of relationships where the guy adores me but I just don't feel a spark for him. I think I tend to date "safe" guys that would do anything for me, but that I'm really not that into, because I'm afraid of getting hurt. With the exception of MM of course.

 

And my parents married young and hate each other so I don't think I ever had a good role model of love. Maybe when I was very young. I'm not using that as an excuse, but trying to figure out what real love is all about.

 

Star, I married young (22) the first time. It wasn't until I met and married my H at 33/34 where I realized "mature" love and not puppy love (IMHO). I realized what was important FOR ME in my life. I realized what I needed for ME - not the muscle dude who thinks he is all that and a bag of chips. It wasn't the model guy who knew he was good looking. Don't get me wrong, my H is incredibly handsome and sexy to me -- but it was other things that drew me to him. I liked that he was older (8 years older than me), settled in his career, a father, previously divorced, dated others since his divorce (I didn't want to be his rebound chick). I firmly believe people should NOT get married until at least 30! We are totally different people at 31 than 23!

 

My parents started dating at 16 and have been married - HAPPILY - for 48 years. I know they are still active sexually (and I wish I didn't know that LOL). My inlaws have been together for 53 years! They are very happy - not sexually active anymore (again, more info than I needed to know!) but very happy together. They are 79 and 83!

 

For what its worth the nc and acceptance that its over is going pretty well. I'm staying busy, and social, and posting here a lit and its keeping my mind in the right place.

 

Yea Karma! I am so glad to hear you are doing okay! Just don't be too quick to think you are 'over' it all. Keep busy, focus on you and focus on being happy - surround yourself with people/things that make you feel good!

 

 

Well when I said "safe"... it probably means not very desirable to you or most women. I've dated a couple guys who were just losers... not to be mean, but it's like, they had nothing going for them, they claimed they were finishing school or getting a good job but never did, etc. And then a couple who were okay but people would say, what do you see in him?... like, they wouldn't be attractive, or they wouldn't have my same education/career level, or both.

 

It was a big problem for me and I guess it showed my sense of self-worth... I guess I thought only someone "beneath" me (or, now, married?! ha ha) would want to date me. MM is the only guy I've ever "dated" who has the same or better education level and career.

 

And I don't mean to be egotistical either! Ha ha. I see myself better now that I used to... I know I am pretty, ambitious, intelligent, fun, educated, etc... but in the past I used to focus on my all my bad qualities -- too sensitive, too shy, always feeling awkward and out of place, sometimes a bit overweight, etc. When I hear what other people say about me -- not just MM who is obviously biased -- but, like, my assistants or colleagues or acquaintances, I'm like wow, they think I'm really cool... I get descriptors like happy-go-lucky, a go-getter, motivated, friendly, etc., and I'm flabber-gasted because I just don't feel that way at all! I feel reserved and shy and inadequate. So I've been trying hard to focus on my positive aspects and try to see myself how these other people see me instead of putting myself down.

 

It's funny that i keep dragging things out with MM because I also keep telling myself that I want to live a happy single life and love myself. I want to make the best life ever for myself and then only date a guy who has the same happy life. MM is a real "fixer-upper" in many ways, which has been pointed out to me by many on this forum, ha ha, but I feel this connection with him and like we have a lot in common, so I think I'm a fixer-upper too! And it's so hard to suddenly think, okay, I'm done with this old life and ready to start my new life. But I do fantasize about it and right now I am trying to focus on myself and my goals and less on MM and his issues. Baby steps I guess.

 

But YOU, you are completely free my dear and you can have your happy life right now and wait for someone with a similar life to come along. I envy you yet I stay stuck in my poopy situation because I don't have the strength or heart or resolve to walk away.

 

Silly, by no means am I preaching to you; but I hope you do focus more on you and your child than on him. Seems like he has taken over your life and yet he has a long way to go before he is 'free' to be with you. Please keep your focus on making a GOOD life for you and if in time, he can join that life, great. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket.

[PhoenixLady]

This shows of very low understanding of the position many MM are in. Could it be because you yourself have no experience of an affair?

 

You're darn tootin' I have no experience with affairs...not directly anyway, only through friends. But as far as a low understanding of the dynamics of one..nah. It's a matter of knowing a little something about human nature. I don't have to know anything about the MM's position to know that this "conflicted" thing is just nonsense. It's just a convenient label to slap on a selfish man who wants his cake and eat it too. It's nothing more and nothing less. And puhleeze, no one is really "conflicted" for years and years. If they are, who wants a wimpy man who won't shyt or get off the pot? I wouldn't. But yeah, they're not conflicted. They just want to string you along.

 

As I know a conflicted long term MM intimately, I know they exist. It is a matter of fact, not opinion.

 

Nope. It's not fact at all. It's opinion. It's your opinion that this long term MM is conflicted. It's my opinion that he's just stringing some poor unsuspecting OW along so he can continue using her.

 

Where are these safe guys? I could use one of them right about now. I'd love to be adored. My mm said I'm intimidating to guys. After I left exh I got a world of renewed confidence, lost weight, had a tummy tuck and implants, have a good job and education. I'm friendly and perky and I think pretty attractive, so what am I doing wrong?

 

You're doing nothing wrong, Karma. Be patient and don't get desperate.

 

I don't mean that to come off as egotistic. I'm trying to build my confidence back up, not say I'm the $hit. I know better than that. When the makeup comes off, the ponytail goes up and the flannel jammies go on, I'm just the average Jane wishing and waiting for someone who likes that part of me too.

 

So are most of us who finally find our man. Hang in there!

[jennie-jennie]

You're darn tootin' I have no experience with affairs...not directly anyway, only through friends. But as far as a low understanding of the dynamics of one..nah. It's a matter of knowing a little something about human nature. I don't have to know anything about the MM's position to know that this "conflicted" thing is just nonsense. It's just a convenient label to slap on a selfish man who wants his cake and eat it too. It's nothing more and nothing less. And puhleeze, no one is really "conflicted" for years and years. If they are, who wants a wimpy man who won't shyt or get off the pot? I wouldn't. But yeah, they're not conflicted. They just want to string you along.

 

I thought I knew something about affairs too before participating in one. I mean I had been the BS of two serial cheaters after all. Turns out you can't understand the dynamic of a long term extramarital affair until you have been there yourself. It does such a number on the mind. These conflicted MM think so differently than you are used to. How am I to say that the way I think is the only way?

 

Nope. It's not fact at all. It's opinion. It's your opinion that this long term MM is conflicted. It's my opinion that he's just stringing some poor unsuspecting OW along so he can continue using her.

 

Am I to presume that you have met my MM? Met him and discussed his inner state of mind?

 

It is a fact that I have seen him tormented. It is a fact that I have seen him crying. It is a fact that I have been privy to his endless discussions trying to find a way out of the dilemma of being torn between the marriage and the affair. When an adult man is crying in your arms... I have never seen a man so conflicted.

[donnamaybe]

Nope. It's not fact at all. It's opinion. It's your opinion that this long term MM is conflicted. It's my opinion that he's just stringing some poor unsuspecting OW along so he can continue using her.

I agree. For years and years and years and years and years? There's no conflict. Anyone who keeps two people hanging on THAT long (while lying to one and effectively deceiving the other) knows exactly what they are doing.

[Tony]

Many off topic posts...the last 200 or so responses. Time to close shop!