24 hrs nc...not like him...fearing d-day

[PhoenixLady]

I totally agree that not one thing about his actions tell me, as an outsider, that he's ready to leave. He had every opportunity, it sounds like, and yet is still with her. He's there for the kids though, right?

 

I really wonder how much of this is all about you, and less to do with him. I mean you yourself were a BS right? I wonder....

 

You just seem too intelligent to settle for this kind of a man. How can you respect someone like this?

[pureinheart]

To be honest, I have zero sympathy for this particular woman. Most BS I do recognize and sympathize with what a horrifying and traumatizing experience this may be (been there myself) but for her...I have had to allow myself to believe everything he's told me' about her and therefore feel that she has earned every ounce of betrayal she gets.

That may make me' sound heartless and like a horrible person but I have always felt she had it coming and deep down wished she could know the same feelings that she has put him through. Let's just say if she were to contact me' personally seeking facts, my loyalty would lie with him. I wouldn't sit here feeding her information or share stories about, "well he told me' this and this so we've been seeing eachother since mm/dd/yy, and remember those weekends where he said he was going to XYZ, well he was really with me'."

I'd probably just say I don't know what she's talking about and to quit calling my house trying to start trouble.

He will let me' know something today. I'm sure of it, so there really is no sitting and waiting and wondering at this point. I'm strangely not overly concerned. I'm pretty confident whether she knows or not will change nothing, and if it does...then I'm a big girl, independent, and what will be, will be.

 

I can't say for sure she has cheated but I have seen her profile he showed me' on a couple of dating websites that she frequents. She was seeking someone to chat with and exchange pictures with. It's a known adult site though. Her excuse was that she was just bored and lonely as a stay at home mom and wanted to meet 'friend's'. I believe she's gaslighting him as much as he is her.

 

Hi KTD, this is as far as I've gotten in your thread. I wanted to read the entire thread (to get the full story), although I had to respond.

 

My sitch was simular, exDM's W was an interesting individual. He never said a bad word about her (till the D), although everyone else did. Also during stories that he would tell I could see what went on. She was physically abusive, verbally and mentally. She ran him down to anyone that would listen and saw others on the side also...so it's like WTH.

 

I understand where your coming from, and I know to others it sounds cold, although it is far from it:)

[pureinheart]

Okay...I get that you all are only trying to open my eyes. I genuinely appreciate the concern if that is your intent. I will leave it at the fact that I will keep my eyes open to deceit but at this point there is nothing to be said that will change my trust in him as it currently stands. I have seen this board jump on ow saying their mm is going to be abusive because he showed irrational jealousy. People are so quick to hang these men for their actions. I just choose to keep things in perspective from my own judgments because bottom line is that my opinion is the only one that matters.

 

Again, thank you but I'm really tired of trying to defend him to others. I'll stick to replying to posts that address the original post surrounding the event that took place yesterday.

 

There are some that are sincere and some that aren't, some are lovers and some are haters...I say KTD, eat the chicken and spit out the bones. You have nothing to defend.

 

I understand where he is coming from due to understanding those who are in abusive situations, also it's not that easy to just pick up and leave...

 

It's difficult to explain every detail on these boards and I think some of the remarks were uncalled for. You gave ample information...it wasn't hard to understand ....

[pureinheart]

Ok, I have read the entire thread and I am wondering how YOU are doing...the waiting must be hell. Have you heard from him???? (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

[KarmasTestDummy]

I totally agree that not one thing about his actions tell me, as an outsider, that he's ready to leave. He had every opportunity, it sounds like, and yet is still with her. He's there for the kids though, right?

 

I really wonder how much of this is all about you, and less to do with him. I mean you yourself were a BS right? I wonder....

 

You just seem too intelligent to settle for this kind of a man. How can you respect someone like this?

 

I never said he was ready to leave. It is his home and not willing to walk away from his house which he has been working for and paying for when she doesn't work and never has and will just get it reposessed. He also wants to make sure he gets custody of his kids. His wife is waiting on an inheritance that's is in a legal struggle with the power of attorney and then she has already told him that she won't need him anymore. He believes she will take her money and just go. He doesn't even think she will put up a fight for the kids at that point because she will want to leave and experience the life that she missed out on by getting pregnant and married straight out of high school, which is difficult to do as a single uncorking mom of four. He said at that point if she doesn't leave he will ask her to and begin the legal battle to fight for custody...but would prefer to have it happen on it's own if possible first. So thats what I've been told about when he will separate. Take as u will, it's just what I've been told and I'm sure there are many flaws you can all find in his plan.

[anne1707]

I never said he was ready to leave. It is his home and not willing to walk away from his house which he has been working for and paying for when she doesn't work and never has

 

............

 

she will want to leave and experience the life that she missed out on by getting pregnant and married straight out of high school, which is difficult to do as a single uncorking mom of four. .

 

Not commented on this thread before but I have to on this point. For him to complain about his wife not paying towards the house when she got pregnant with HIS child immediately after high school and then raising this child plus their three other children is just not on. She most definteley has been working and contributing to the home. For him to think just he paid for the house is so wrong - she has paid by having and raising their children.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Ok, I have read the entire thread and I am wondering how YOU are doing...the waiting must be hell. Have you heard from him???? (((((((((((hugs))))))))))))

 

Tnk you Pure. It was definitely a lot to read and try to follow. A large majority was obviously me' getting on the defensive. I feel like I have to though...and not just because I'm jaded by my infatuation. There is so much that just can't all be shared. But I can't even say it because it only will come off as me' being filled with more of what he wants me' to hear. I've said on prior posts that she is into drugs, she is an alcoholic, she gets physically abusive, she spends and spends and spends until there is no money left to pay bills. He is at his wits end. He has nothing left to offer her, least of all his respect. Right now I serve a role for him that he desperately needs, a means of finding some semblance of joy and happiness in life to get through very miserable days. Since I've known him he has hit his breaking point and had to turn to depression and anxiety medication. I know he struggles with what is best for him and what he feels is his responsibility to his kids and salvaging as much of his property as possible.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Not commented on this thread before but I have to on this point. For him to complain about his wife not paying towards the house when she got pregnant with HIS child immediately after high school and then raising this child plus their three other children is just not on. She most definteley has been working and contributing to the home. For him to think just he paid for the house is so wrong - she has paid by having and raising their children.

 

And she has lived a very charmed life for it. She is spoiled rotten and nothing is ever enough or good enough for her. She refuses to work...its not a matter of anything else. She told him she couldn't have someone telling her what to do every day. She couldn't even work at walmart because she wouldn't be able to pass a drug test. When he tried to cut some of her spending she said she would go find a part time job, but the only place she said she would work for is a marijuana dispensary hoping she could skim some free weed out of the deal.

 

Sorry guys for all my typos. I've been posting all day from my cell phone..and with a small screen its hard to do well.

Edited October 4, 2010 by KarmasTestDummy

[TigerCub]

She couldn't even work at walmart because she wouldn't be able to pass a drug test.

 

Well in that case, getting custody of his kids would be easy wouldn't it?

 

It just seems like (from what he's told you about her), she's a druggie and she's abusive - so custody of the kids shouldn't be that difficult for him to get - so basically he's staying in a miserable marriage to her for the house??!

 

I'm sorry, that must be very hurtful for you!

 

man, A situations suck - they're always so complicated and cause a lot of hurt. At least, that's how it felt for me.

 

If the inheritance stuff he told you is true. I hope she gets it and leaves.

Or that he finally at least gets the guts to leave on his own.

[porter218]

Not commented on this thread before but I have to on this point. For him to complain about his wife not paying towards the house when she got pregnant with HIS child immediately after high school and then raising this child plus their three other children is just not on. She most definteley has been working and contributing to the home. For him to think just he paid for the house is so wrong - she has paid by having and raising their children.

 

Yep.. lets add this up. I pay $1250/month for my daughter at daycare and $950/month with my sons daycare/afterschool care so I can work. this sounds like 4 young kids. Maybe 2 of which are 3 and under...that is $2300 for them and maybe two of which are 4-6 age range..?? that is $1900 for them. Together she is saving them $4200/month. Lots of stay at home mom actually stay at home to save the family money which is the same as bringing in that much income. Just saying.....

I've said on prior posts that she is into drugs, she is an alcoholic, she gets physically abusive,

Good lord!! I hope he gets the kids. Thats a lot of baggage Karma! Are you ready to deal with four kids? What if you want kids...what then? He need to go ahead and get a PI to catch her cheating then get out before this all goes in her favor. Four kids...pfew...my mind is reeling I an't imagine what your mind is doing!!

[jthorne]

I never said he was ready to leave. It is his home and not willing to walk away from his house which he has been working for and paying for when she doesn't work and never has and will just get it reposessed. He also wants to make sure he gets custody of his kids. His wife is waiting on an inheritance that's is in a legal struggle with the power of attorney and then she has already told him that she won't need him anymore. He believes she will take her money and just go. He doesn't even think she will put up a fight for the kids at that point because she will want to leave and experience the life that she missed out on by getting pregnant and married straight out of high school, which is difficult to do as a single uncorking mom of four. He said at that point if she doesn't leave he will ask her to and begin the legal battle to fight for custody...but would prefer to have it happen on it's own if possible first. So thats what I've been told about when he will separate. Take as u will, it's just what I've been told and I'm sure there are many flaws you can all find in his plan.

So he is choosing his house over you? He had the perfect opportunity to admit to his feelings for you, but he said you were nothing. Maybe if he really loved you, he'd be willing to find a workaround on the house. After all, she's just a big mean ol druggie, right? Choosing a big mean ol druggie and a house over his love for you, well, that says something doesn't it?

 

And what's your point about the wife? He married her, he impregnated her FOUR TIMES, all knowing what she was. The fault is not all on her, ya know? He's the one that let her be a SAHM, he has no right to bitch about it now.

 

Not commented on this thread before but I have to on this point. For him to complain about his wife not paying towards the house when she got pregnant with HIS child immediately after high school and then raising this child plus their three other children is just not on. She most definteley has been working and contributing to the home. For him to think just he paid for the house is so wrong - she has paid by having and raising their children.

No kidding.

 

Tnk you Pure. It was definitely a lot to read and try to follow. A large majority was obviously me' getting on the defensive. I feel like I have to though...and not just because I'm jaded by my infatuation. There is so much that just can't all be shared. But I can't even say it because it only will come off as me' being filled with more of what he wants me' to hear. I've said on prior posts that she is into drugs, she is an alcoholic, she gets physically abusive, she spends and spends and spends until there is no money left to pay bills. He is at his wits end. He has nothing left to offer her, least of all his respect. Right now I serve a role for him that he desperately needs, a means of finding some semblance of joy and happiness in life to get through very miserable days. Since I've known him he has hit his breaking point and had to turn to depression and anxiety medication. I know he struggles with what is best for him and what he feels is his responsibility to his kids and salvaging as much of his property as possible.

Uh huh. This is what he tells you. If she's such a big meanie, why does he stay? Over a house? Ok... If she's such a crazy start-raving b-otch, he could have at least said that he was still in touch with you. But no, he completely denied your existence to the mean druggie wife that he hates but stays with for a house. Must be some nice house.

 

And she has lived a very charmed life for it. She is spoiled rotten and nothing is ever enough or good enough for her. She refuses to work...its not a matter of anything else. She told him she couldn't have someone telling her what to do every day. She couldn't even work at walmart because she wouldn't be able to pass a drug test. When he tried to cut some of her spending she said she would go find a part time job, but the only place she said she would work for is a marijuana dispensary hoping she could skim some free weed out of the deal.

 

Sorry guys for all my typos. I've been posting all day from my cell phone..and with a small screen its hard to do well.

Again, he knew what he was marrying. If she changed over the course of the marriage, it was his responsibility to take action IN THE MARRIAGE, not have an affair.

 

So here's what you've signed up for: a cheater that says he loves you, but lies about your existence. A cheater that says he is going to divorce after the W gets her so-called inheritance. Maybe he's waiting for her to get it, so he can try to get some of that too? Either way, what you have at the end of the day is a cheater that might be in a custody battle for 4 kids who are going to hate you for hurting their mommy.

 

I dunno, seems like there might be a better choice out there. We get what we settle for.

Good luck.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Yep.. lets add this up. I pay $1250/month for my daughter at daycare and $950/month with my sons daycare/afterschool care so I can work. this sounds like 4 young kids. Maybe 2 of which are 3 and under...that is $2300 for them and maybe two of which are 4-6 age range..?? that is $1900 for them. Together she is saving them $4200/month. Lots of stay at home mom actually stay at home to save the family money which is the same as bringing in that much income. Just saying.....

 

Good lord!! I hope he gets the kids. Thats a lot of baggage Karma! Are you ready to deal with four kids? What if you want kids...what then? He need to go ahead and get a PI to catch her cheating then get out before this all goes in her favor. Four kids...pfew...my mind is reeling I an't imagine what your mind is doing!!

 

Yes childcare is outrageous but it wasn't about saving them money. His mother offered to take care of them for nothing during the day. W's attitude is that she shouldn't have to work.

So I have watched him stress over money, let a $40,000 suv go back to the bank when ge only had a year left to pay, but she makes sure she still gets her hair colored every 4 weeks and nails filled every two weeks.

 

4 kids...I know, you'd thinkbid be running for the hills, but nope. I don't even know his kids but they melt my heart. He sends me' pictures of them out and about...soccer practice, swimming, him rocking his two-year old to sleep. If there's anything I romanticize it probably is being part of his family and helping with the kids. I have two of my own as well. We've joked about building extensions onto the house and the school bus we'd have to buy to transport them.

[bentnotbroken]

And she has lived a very charmed life for it. She is spoiled rotten and nothing is ever enough or good enough for her. She refuses to work...its not a matter of anything else. She told him she couldn't have someone telling her what to do every day. She couldn't even work at walmart because she wouldn't be able to pass a drug test. When he tried to cut some of her spending she said she would go find a part time job, but the only place she said she would work for is a marijuana dispensary hoping she could skim some free weed out of the deal.

 

Sorry guys for all my typos. I've been posting all day from my cell phone..and with a small screen its hard to do well.

 

 

 

What a wonderful father he is allowng his children to be raised by a druggie. :sick:These poor kids don't stand a chance with the two of them as parents. He is excellent at protecting his children from the criminal element.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes childcare is outrageous but it wasn't about saving them money. His mother offered to take care of them for nothing during the day. W's attitude is that she shouldn't have to work.

So I have watched him stress over money, let a $40,000 suv go back to the bank when ge only had a year left to pay, but she makes sure she still gets her hair colored every 4 weeks and nails filled every two weeks.

 

4 kids...I know, you'd thinkbid be running for the hills, but nope. I don't even know his kids but they melt my heart. He sends me' pictures of them out and about...soccer practice, swimming, him rocking his two-year old to sleep. If there's anything I romanticize it probably is being part of his family and helping with the kids. I have two of my own as well. We've joked about building extensions onto the house and the school bus we'd have to buy to transport them.

 

 

If I were his BS this would most certainly get his behind stomped into the ground.

[bentnotbroken]

There is a difference between a squealer and a liar.

 

 

This may be true. Maybe a squealer just yells loudly when they lie. IDK? But they both are full of deception and in my mind that isn't a difference.

[greengoddess]

He has other proof on her affairs, after intercepting emails, etc but the most recent situation was what he is positive about is that he thinks she had an abortion. He has been snipped now for two years. He came back from having to work out of town for three days and all she was doing was laying around the house in a very depressive state. He noticed there were maxi pads (not her typical tampons) in the bathroom trash can and they were heavily bled on. She said she was just having a very bad, crampy menstrual period. Then they were there much longer than typical...and he told me that he checked her phone voicemail and there was a message on a Saturday from a dr (not an office but the dr himself) wanting to confirm she was still okay with her decision and coming in for the procedure that afternoon...and if so to make sure she had someone who could drive her home after.

He confronted her and she blew up on him and started throwing things at him. That was one of the nights he left and stayed at my place just completely disgusted and horrified with her.

 

 

This is the one thing that disgusts me about affairs. This is something extremely private and personal about this woman and he is sharing it with you. How can you ever trust a man that would share something this private about his wife with you. The deception here just makes me ill, just thinking that a man would do this to his wife.

 

Ok back to reading the drama. I just had to comment on that.

[greengoddess]

I just read the whole thing. Karmastestdummy I know you trust and believe this man but this stuff just is not adding up even a little bit. These guys are good. They are charmers and melt your heart. They know what to say. You are an intelligent woman. Don't let him take you for a ride please.

 

Think about what he has told you about his wife.

 

She is a drug addict - ok would he really leave his kids home alone - a 2year old - all day with a drugie being driven around in a car.

 

He thinks she had an abortion. Sorry this is so over the top that I think you bought it. The doctors call is fabricated. There is no doubt.

 

She refuses to work - The woman has four small kids and he is telling you she refuses to work. Not buying it. It is so much easier to go off to work for the day with adults then care for four small kids. He likes her home. He's full of crap.

 

gets her nails done and her hair done - He is demonizing her because she likes to look nice. Miss drug addict makes sure her nails and hair look good. - He has an ego so didn't want to tell you his wife is fat and lazy so instead he demonizes her by making her materialistic all because she wants her hair and nails nice.

 

She let the $40,000. suv go into reposession with only a year left. - Ok the woman does not work. He brings in the income. He knows what he can afford to buy on his income. He bought the van she doesn't work. Ok so ummmm how did she do this? by having her hair and nails done. Gotta love these men. I guess he doesn't spend a cent on you because she must be in charge of all the money since SHE LET the car get repossessed.

 

He has to be assured of custody of kids - umm she's an out of work cheating druggie. How hard would that be?

 

He's waiting for her to get an inheritance?:laugh: These men really have a script. You do know when she finally gets it it will not be as much as she thought it would be and now she can not leave.

 

Please wake up. I get so sad when I hear married men doing this to women and women allowing it. Don't allow him to use you for marriage relief please. NO CONTACT make some new friends and enjoy your life. If he loves and misses you he WILL leave her and come get you. Trust that.

[Star_Bright]

I'm a physician. So I am very well informed about the HIPAA regulations and what can and can't be said. No legitimate physician in this day and age would leave a voice mail to whoever might get it, saying anything detailed about a patient. Even directly to a patient.... a spouse does not have the right to hear it unless the patient says so.

 

So yes, this message seems odd to me too.

 

Yes. I was really suspicious about the VM. And not because, Karma, I don't want you and MM to work out, but because I don't want him to BS you. I know we are past the VM issue because I am only mid-way through this thread, but I wanted to say it struck me as odd too. When I was in college I visited Planned Parenthood for my ob-gyn check-ups and my birth control pill prescriptions. They asked me if they were allowed to call me and leave me VMs; I said yes; they stated vehemently orally and in writing that if they did call it would only be to remind me of my appointment or ask me to call them. They said patient privacy laws prevented them from leaving any patient information on my VM. And they stuck to that policy (and now my regular doctor never leaves any info. on my VM, and it is only my doctor's nurse or PA who calls me, for office reasons, never the doctor herself and never anything like "Are you okay with the decision?" ??? That part seems really weird to me.) I'm involved in the health law field and I know that patient privacy regulations have only gotten MORE strict since then. So I just cannot believe that that happened UNLESS the wife has a very close relationship with the doctor, and even then, the doctor better be careful because that kind of message does violate patient privacy laws.

 

Karma if you trust your guy, cool, and I am not LOOKING to "plant" seeds of doubt in your mind. It's just that if something like this is said that triggers my BS meter, I will point it out to you because we OWs really do have to be careful.... no matter how smart or educated or professional we are, they could still take advantage of us because this is a matter of our HEARTS speaking, not always our brains, and these men DO have a vested interest in keeping wifey happy AND us happy....

 

That is all I'm trying to say... I'm trying to give you the advice I myself am trying to live by. Proceed with your eyes wide open and protect your heart in this precarious situation and if something doesn't make sense (voicemail) then don't buy it just because you love MM and he says it's true. Good luck Karma, I do hope you two make it!!!

[Star_Bright]

Okay...I get that you all are only trying to open my eyes. I genuinely appreciate the concern if that is your intent. I will leave it at the fact that I will keep my eyes open to deceit but at this point there is nothing to be said that will change my trust in him as it currently stands. I have seen this board jump on ow saying their mm is going to be abusive because he showed irrational jealousy. People are so quick to hang these men for their actions. I just choose to keep things in perspective from my own judgments because bottom line is that my opinion is the only one that matters.

 

Again, thank you but I'm really tired of trying to defend him to others. I'll stick to replying to posts that address the original post surrounding the event that took place yesterday.

 

Okay, I was behind the times, I posted my post before I saw this. So I was beating a dead horse. I'm glad you're keeping your eyes open, Karma. That is all I was trying to say. I think I am the OW you say people jumped on saying irrational jealousy = emotional abuse. In my sitch I really feel like MOST of the people who post on my thread are just trying to help me and give me advice based on their own experience and third party perspective. I think most on your thread are too but it does get hard when people come in and all say you are crazy for being with him and he is a bad guy etc. I do understand the frustration and I am trying to weigh everyone's advice and at the end of the day go with how I feel. Right now I just feel confused but you say you feel confident and secure in your relationship with MM so more power to you! Don't let anyone sway you if that's how you feel and if you ARE keeping your eyes open and considering some advice from different perspectives since this affair situation can all get so muddled and murky. Good luck to you girl.

[Star_Bright]

Nice shot at his wife. Did he tell you this or is this your spin on it.

 

 

Karma, My guy would always say his wife liked to fight with him in front of the kids, and didn't treat him right or respect him in front of them, etc... and I wouldn't buy that crap. I told him perhaps she is upset because he is having an affair and is actively seeing me and talking to me every day! So he really can't blame HER for fighting in front of the kids because he is contributing to it. MM says I call him on his BS and that's one of the things he likes about me. He admitted it was unfair to do this, he understands why she is upset with him, and since then he will occasionally complain that she wasn't "nice" to him or picked a fight in front of the kids but then he will always say "not that I don't understand why she is upset with me." And that makes me feel better, that he is owning up to his part in the dysfunction in the marriage. Not because I am his wife's keeper but because I don't think what he is doing is fair and I wouldn't want him to do it to me and then blame our fights on me!

[Star_Bright]

Yes, I can admit that. But I am free to do what I want when I want as is he. I go out with my friends, socialize and dance. I just don't want to sleep with anyone else because I do in fact love and care about him and am following my heart.

 

I do this and we are way more than NSA, as you know we are in a serious relationship where we say we love each other and he says he is leaving to be with me and I am staying with him despite the confusion, etc. I go out with my friends, socialize and dance but my heart is with him always. I don't sleep with anyone else or date anyone else for one thing because I don't want to, my heart is with him, and for another thing, because we would be over. He expects fidelity from me and I don't think that's unreasonable... yes he's married and has slept with his wife during our A (not recently and now they are separated) but his heart is with me and he wants my heart to stay with him and I have no problem with that because of where he says our relationship is going and I am trying to hold on for it to get there.

 

But if we were NSA I would not hold myself back from finding a real and complete love. Because that is what I want!! And I am only with MM because he says we will be a real and complete love. I would not be promising my heart and body to him if it were NSA or just-hanging-out or FWB or any other way but on its way to being real and complete. I know we are different but I don't understand how you can not date other people and keep MM as the only guy in your heart when you have a NSA relationship with MM? I don't understand that at all.

 

I don't know how old you are but life is short and I don't know if you want kids but our time to have them is not infinite... I'm not trying to lecture you but I hate that you are putting your life on hold for him when he is staying married and saying it's NSA. Why??? If you really wanted NSA then I think you would not hold yourself back from dating other guys. And if he says NSA I think you should look at it that way and really try to live your life without him being the focus of it, which yes may include dating other people. Just my advice but if you are comfy with this situation, okay, I am just trying to understand it (maybe I can't!)

[Star_Bright]

Not commented on this thread before but I have to on this point. For him to complain about his wife not paying towards the house when she got pregnant with HIS child immediately after high school and then raising this child plus their three other children is just not on. She most definteley has been working and contributing to the home. For him to think just he paid for the house is so wrong - she has paid by having and raising their children.

 

I agree! My MM's wife had his kids pretty early into their marriage, and raised them by staying at home and then later worked at his business and helped him run it. So basically all of their "income" was earned by him. So now that he wants to leave he will have to pay a pretty price... she stays in the house he built and paid for all this time, and gets half his retirement, plus a share of his business because she helped make it possible for him to build it by staying home to raise their kids, and later helped him run it, he pays alimony and child support, etc. Yes that is what marriage is about and he understands that... he doesn't really LIKE it and he jokes about how expensive it is to really be with me but he does understand that the life they built is half hers... he can't just walk away after all these years for someone new and say, well it was fun while it lasted, I'm taking everything you helped me build.

 

I admire him for this because it would be easy to stay due to money (in fact, when I first came here a lot of posters told me he would never even consider leaving because he'd have to pay child support) or to complain about having to give her her half... but he does appreciate her hard work and sacrifice, and to me that makes me feel a little bit better because I start to think, well, after she raised his kids and helped him run his business he turns around and gets rid of her for the newer model (me)... which really isn't how it is, she is a very beautiful lady and it's not like I'm a new version but I'm sure that's how some people would look at it and sometimes I worry about it but it helps that he is concerned about her financial well-being.

 

I'm sorry that I inject so much of my own sitch into my posts on your thread but there are a lot of similarities and I just think you are taking MM's side so much (which is normal when in love) that it might help to sit back and think, wait a minute, is it fair for him to not leave because he would have to give her what is rightfully hers... half of what they built up together... and so instead he cheats on her? No, that isn't fair, but, it is what it is! And it just helps me to recognize it for what it is; maybe it helps you too, maybe not, and if not, I'm sorry and will shut up!

[Star_Bright]

And she has lived a very charmed life for it. She is spoiled rotten and nothing is ever enough or good enough for her. She refuses to work...its not a matter of anything else. She told him she couldn't have someone telling her what to do every day. She couldn't even work at walmart because she wouldn't be able to pass a drug test. When he tried to cut some of her spending she said she would go find a part time job, but the only place she said she would work for is a marijuana dispensary hoping she could skim some free weed out of the deal.

 

Sorry guys for all my typos. I've been posting all day from my cell phone..and with a small screen its hard to do well.

 

Yeah, this is how it is sometimes. My mom has been a stay at home mom ever since she married my dad. Now my dad wishes she would get a job, for one thing to bring in income and for another to get out of the house and realize what things cost, etc., she kind of lives in a bubble and doesn't understand how lucky she is, not having to work. I agree with my dad that she should work, it would be good for her!, and it would take away some of her entitled attitude... but, guess what, she has absolutely no interest in working. She will not get a job and he'd better not even bring it up (so he doesn't). This is just one of the many problems in their marriage and I see his side of it but you know what he can do if he doesn't like it? He can divorce her. Yes she will get half of everything he has but if he would be happier then I think he should do it (and she would be happier too and have to learn to fend for herself).

 

Now, if he went and had an affair and blamed it on the fact that she won't get a job... well that is just wimpy and I would not support him on that! Her choices are hers and his are his. If he doesn't like it he can divorce her but he cannot cheat on her, well not while keeping his integrity intact of course. Do you see what I'm saying? MMs have so many excuses for their actions or inactions but it boils down to them not doing the right thing... stay faithful or get divorced.

 

Yes I know my MM is no better, ha ha, although one could argue that he is getting divorced and starting to do the right thing (he argues that, I sometimes believe him ) but I really don't even think we'd be at this point if I accepted all his excuses and justifications. No, I did not. Any time he'd give me an excuse about why he was cheating I would say, MM, if you don't like that about her, get divorced, but don't just cheat on her with me and complain to me about her... that is unfair to both her and me. Philosophically he agreed with me; I am not saying I am all wise and he is foolish, just that you have to point out their inconsistencies and call their BS or they will continue to stay put and do nothing to help themselves out, or help you or Wife out!

 

That's my advice to you... instead of accepting everything he says and seeing it all from his point of view, start to try to see it from YOUR OWN point of view or his wife's point of view and you might start to see where things as they are are hopeless... he can continue cheating on her with you for years, and where does that leave you?

[Star_Bright]

 

Please wake up. I get so sad when I hear married men doing this to women and women allowing it. Don't allow him to use you for marriage relief please. NO CONTACT make some new friends and enjoy your life. If he loves and misses you he WILL leave her and come get you. Trust that.

 

OK Karma sorry I've been posting so much in your thread but this is my last post for awhile, I just wanted to say this is really good advice. It is what happened with me. I didn't want to make demands on MM but couldn't take being his "marriage relief" and couldn't take hearing him say he loves me but yet not taking any action to be with me. So I told him that we couldn't talk or see each other unless he moved out and took action to back up his words. Yes this is still a demand but IMO it was necessary for me; it was what I needed from him (at the bare minimum) or else our relationship wasn't going to work.

 

Well as you probably remember, he kept trying to get into contact with me, saying he missed me and loved me. I held my ground because otherwise it would have been same ole same ole. I was ready to walk if I didn't get what I needed for him, in fact I was walking, and moving on, and I think this is key. You have to be ready to give up on the relationship if there is any chance of getting what you really want from it. And he saw that I was moving on, that if he wanted me he'd better come get me. So then he called me and said he was moving out in 8 days. I did lower my standard some because I had said not to talk to me unless he was OUT. But I realized he needed me and wanted to make sure I was still committed, so I talked to him and saw him but he knew that if he didn't keep the deadline he set, I would walk again, this time for good. He could have been buying an extra 8 days but I felt he was sincere, I felt I should give him the chance.

 

And now he is out, at least temporarily, and it is still so hard! These relationships are so very hard. But it's true that if you go NC and he misses you and wants to be with you the right way enough, then he will do what it takes to be with you, or at least to try to be with you. He has to change his situation in order for the two of you to work. There is nothing you can do to make it work, if he won't do that.

 

So I totally agree with greengoddess's advice, but if you aren't ready to go NC because you're not ready to give up the relationship (totally understandable) then I think you should at least start calling his BS and pointing out how some things he says don't add up or are not fair to all parties involved, etc. That way he won't see you as someone just waiting there for him to unload his burdens on and for you to just sympathize and keep listening. It will be more of a real relationship where you express your needs and demands and you don't give him a free pass just because he's married and you knew he was married when you signed up. At this point you have to look out for yourself and express your own needs and wants too. Again good luck, I hope you have a good day. (Hugs)

[porter218]

 

 

Either way, what you have at the end of the day is a cheater that might be in a custody battle for 4 kids who are going to hate you for hurting their mommy.

 

This isn't a given. I am a BS with two kids and my xH went to one of his OW after I left him. My son actually liked her even though he suspects his dad was dating her while we were married. My daughter did give her an evil death glare the first time she met her but since then has liked her. I think they are OK with everything because I act OK with it and the OW has nothing but respect for me(hell, I'm happy to be rid of him:p). The only thing that may upset the kids is if Karma openly shows her dislike for their mother.