24 hrs nc...not like him...fearing d-day

[Star_Bright]

When we first started out together, he said quite plainly that he would never get a divorce.

 

Now he says he either will or he will be miserable for the rest of his life.

 

I actually wonder if he believes more in us ending up together than I do. He tends to be more optimistic, and I more skeptical. For the next couple of years there are practical matters preventing us both anyway.

 

He has changed profoundly during our years together, but his roots in his family are deep. He moves closer to me all the time, but the process is slow, and who knows if he will ever have moved close enough to me to actually end his marriage.

 

As an OW you need to decide whether the relationship provides you with enough today to be worth it even if your relationship will always be an affair. There are no guarantees for the future.

 

I see, thanks for explaining.

 

No, I don't think mine does provide me with enough today. That's why I walked away but then he keeps promising a future... ok... when LOL. I do not want to be in an affair, I want to be in a real relationship. An affair was "enough" for me at one point... in that I knew he was married and I really had no idea what we were getting into... but now it's not... ironically because he has repeatedly told me that he wants to be with me and only me, and that makes silly little me think that he will act on what he says! I wish he would just be honest with me like your MM... but then I would walk... so I guess that's why he doesn't say the truth, which I believe is something like "I love you and want to be with you but I can't decide if I can actually go through with a divorce."

[jennie-jennie]

I see, thanks for explaining.

 

No, I don't think mine does provide me with enough today. That's why I walked away but then he keeps promising a future... ok... when LOL. I do not want to be in an affair, I want to be in a real relationship. An affair was "enough" for me at one point... in that I knew he was married and I really had no idea what we were getting into... but now it's not... ironically because he has repeatedly told me that he wants to be with me and only me, and that makes silly little me think that he will act on what he says! I wish he would just be honest with me like your MM... but then I would walk... so I guess that's why he doesn't say the truth, which I believe is something like "I love you and want to be with you but I can't decide if I can actually go through with a divorce."

 

I wrote a reply in your thread, because I don't want to thread jack Karma's.

[Star_Bright]

Thanks Jennie Jennie! Sorry Karma for my accidental threadjack.

[PhoenixLady]

Karma, you said something about why it is that you might not be able to resist his contact when he contacts you again, as most of us think he will do. I think it's a matter of ego and just plain old human nature. You don't want to believe that you're not more to him than what you are/were. You really want to believe that this meant more to him than it did. It's only natural that you'd want to feel special and not like you were used. I don't blame you. But I think that's probably why it might be hard to resist his contact. You may feel the need for the validation.

 

Be ready to resist it. You don't need his validation. His words mean nothing. Unless he calls you to say he's left the marriage, hasn't been fair to you and wants to be with you, there's nothing he can say that will be worth listening to.

[fooled once]

Great observation skills you have oWL. That sounds pretty dead on! I'm trying to resolve why ignoring his text or just changing my number doesn't sound like something I could do. Why do I feel compelled to hear him out? To wanna know what his excuses are?

 

In all honesty, because you crave that "contact" with him as much as he does with you.

 

You're just as addicted to the whole situation...and contact is contact...whether it's positive or negative.

 

And especially after you've been NC for a while, you'll take ANY contact, positive or negative.

 

You want to know what his excuses are because it still keeps the affair going in some aspect...it still continues interaction between you...it still maintains contact and in truth still leaves the "possibility" open that things might still work out between you.

 

That's why you have to take direct ACTION to prevent contact from occurring again. You have to actively take measures to remove him from your life. Block him from contacting you...make it more difficult for you to contact him when you feel like slipping.

 

Remove him from all your communications like FB, email, phone, etc...

 

Prevent him from contacting you via those same methods.

 

Shore up a "support plan" with friends and family who can help you grieve through the loss of this relationship, and be your shoulder when you need one.

 

Owl is very, very wise.

 

You want to hear him out because you want to believe that he is all that you want/need/think him to be.

 

He isn't.

 

But for many OW, they have to get burnt several times before they realize they have got to stay away from the fire. I have a feeling you will let him back in and continue to get hurt. You DO have control over yourself; no one can force you to do anything. It is called willpower and self control.

 

And respecting yourself and realizing you deserve more and better.

[jennie-jennie]

Exactly! Had mine not thrown me' under the bus I would have kept playing his game...but he made his choice.

 

You do know that being thrown under the bus is also par for the course in these relationships? That it is behavior to be expected on Dday. Why would the MM suddenly be prepared to tell the truth to his BS on Dday when he has not been before? There is a time for everything and Dday is likely not the time.

 

I understand and respect if this is your limit and you are done with your MM. I just want to make sure that you do not misunderstand what is going on and take behavior that does not reflect on the love your MM has for you and think it does.

 

I get uneasy when posters are telling you that your MM is likely lying. Is it not better to believe there is truth where a lie is than to believe there is a lie where truth is? I don't understand how posters who have never met your MM can be so assertive in their opinion that he is lying. What if they are wrong? And you believe them and end a relationship worth keeping?

[PhoenixLady]

Are you serious? When is a relationship with a married man with four kids ever worth keeping anyway? Isn't he lying at the very least to his wife? Does this sound like a man of character and one worth keeping? I think not.

[jennie-jennie]

Great observation skills you have oWL. That sounds pretty dead on! I'm trying to resolve why ignoring his text or just changing my number doesn't sound like something I could do. Why do I feel compelled to hear him out? To wanna know what his excuses are?

 

You're in love. Being in love there are many powerful chemicals at work in our brain chemistry. That does not mean it is an addiction, it is just the way our body functions when we are in love.

 

Do you really want to end things now? Are you completely done with him? Forever?

[PhoenixLady]

You're in love. Being in love there are many powerful chemicals at work in our brain chemistry. That does not mean it is an addiction, it is just the way our body functions when we are in love.

 

Do you really want to end things now? Are you completely done with him? Forever?

 

I don't think it's a matter of wanting to end thing but of needing to. Mature adults don't only do what they want, but rather what they need to do for their own emotional well-being. Only children always do what they want.

[jennie-jennie]

Are you serious? When is a relationship with a married man with four kids ever worth keeping anyway? Isn't he lying at the very least to his wife? Does this sound like a man of character and one worth keeping? I think not.

 

ROTFL My MM is a man of character and worth keeping. Yes, he lies to his wife. How would he otherwise be able to keep the marriage going while being in a relationship with another woman? He is not ready to let go of his marriage.

 

My MM has six kids and I tell you he is worth keeping! It is not easy for these men with many kids to extricate themselves from the marriage. At times we OW have to decide whether we find them worth keeping anyway.

[PhoenixLady]

ROTFL My MM is a man of character and worth keeping. Yes, he lies to his wife. How would he otherwise be able to keep the marriage going while being in a relationship with another woman? He is not ready to let go of his marriage.

 

My MM has six kids and I tell you he is worth keeping! It is not easy for these men with many kids to extricate themselves from the marriage. At times we OW have to decide whether we find them worth keeping anyway.

 

Wow, I don't know your story but are you serious? Wow. I hardly know what to say. Good luck, I guess. I guess some people have a different idea about what a "man of character" is. How long have you been with this gem?

[jennie-jennie]

I don't think it's a matter of wanting to end thing but of needing to. Mature adults don't only do what they want, but rather what they need to do for their own emotional well-being. Only children always do what they want.

 

Only children always do what parents (or society) tells them to. Sometimes your own emotional well-being goes against the moral view of the society. That is the time when the adult needs to figure out his/her own personal morals and values and go by them.

[PhoenixLady]

Only children always do what parents (or society) tells them to. Sometimes your own emotional well-being goes against the moral view of the society. That is the time when the adult needs to figure out his/her own personal morals and values and go by them.

 

Interesting spin on things. Well, whatever works for you!

[jennie-jennie]

Wow, I don't know your story but are you serious? Wow. I hardly know what to say. Good luck, I guess. I guess some people have a different idea about what a "man of character" is. How long have you been with this gem?

 

We fell in love for the first time in 1974. We lost contact for reasons not of our own doing. We regained contact in 2005.

[PhoenixLady]

We fell in love for the first time in 1974. We lost contact for reasons not of our own doing. We regained contact in 2005.

 

Hmmm...that's a long time to be his mistress. To each his own I guess. I don't think this kind of lifestyle, and for that long, is up Karma's alley. As I stated before, she sounds like a smart cookie with self-esteem to me.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Karma, you said something about why it is that you might not be able to resist his contact when he contacts you again, as most of us think he will do. I think it's a matter of ego and just plain old human nature. You don't want to believe that you're not more to him than what you are/were. You really want to believe that this meant more to him than it did. It's only natural that you'd want to feel special and not like you were used. I don't blame you. But I think that's probably why it might be hard to resist his contact. You may feel the need for the validation.

 

Be ready to resist it. You don't need his validation. His words mean nothing. Unless he calls you to say he's left the marriage, hasn't been fair to you and wants to be with you, there's nothing he can say that will be worth listening to.

 

I still half expect that call one day many months down the road. I think there's not much hope for his marriage in the long run, but it's not going to be in the next couple of weeks.

 

So, with that being said I think I'll be able to keep my anger if he calls with nothing to offer. I can resist from that perspective...but I'd like to keep the line of communication open for down the road, mostly because I wanna see how the rest of his life and regrets ultimately play out. Not to say for even a second that at that time I have any intent on being single and available.

[PhoenixLady]

I can't say I disagree with a single thing you said, Karma. That sounds like the best way to handle things. Good for you for keeping your dignity. We all make mistakes, it's what we do about them that matters. And at least you won't be wasting years of your life being second best.

[KarmasTestDummy]

Owl is very, very wise.

 

You want to hear him out because you want to believe that he is all that you want/need/think him to be.

 

He isn't.

 

But for many OW, they have to get burnt several times before they realize they have got to stay away from the fire. I have a feeling you will let him back in and continue to get hurt. You DO have control over yourself; no one can force you to do anything. It is called willpower and self control.

 

And respecting yourself and realizing you deserve more and better.

 

It's been easy to Let him back in in the past because I believed him, now he's not wearing his 'prince charming' hat anymore. I feel very disrespected. In that sense I don't forgive very easy at all. I'm much more of a grudge holder type person and a would rather stand tall and strong if for no other reason to hurt his pride as payback. It will be very rewarding to be able to tell him no and show him that he doesn't have the upperhand.

[KarmasTestDummy]

You do know that being thrown under the bus is also par for the course in these relationships? That it is behavior to be expected on Dday. Why would the MM suddenly be prepared to tell the truth to his BS on Dday when he has not been before? There is a time for everything and Dday is likely not the time.

 

I understand and respect if this is your limit and you are done with your MM. I just want to make sure that you do not misunderstand what is going on and take behavior that does not reflect on the love your MM has for you and think it does.

 

I get uneasy when posters are telling you that your MM is likely lying. Is it not better to believe there is truth where a lie is than to believe there is a lie where truth is? I don't understand how posters who have never met your MM can be so assertive in their opinion that he is lying. What if they are wrong? And you believe them and end a relationship worth keeping?

 

I said the words that ended the a, but the way he was approaching the conversation I know it was his intent anyway. He was going to break up with me. He said she wants a fair chance. He argued back when I said she didn't deserve one and said he had four little ones to think about before he could write things off. He did not argue when I said that it sounded like he already promised her he would try harder.

 

Bottom line is he broke up with me' by forcing me' to have no choice in the matter. If I had begged him I don't think the outcome would have been any different.

[KarmasTestDummy]

You're in love. Being in love there are many powerful chemicals at work in our brain chemistry. That does not mean it is an addiction, it is just the way our body functions when we are in love.

 

Do you really want to end things now? Are you completely done with him? Forever?

 

I was still in love with my exh the day I packed myself and my kids up and moved out too. I learned love had nothing to do with what was best for us after putting up with physical abuse and cheating for years. It was going to be my demise if I stayed. I have to think leaving mm is a lot like that right now. I don't want to compromise myself for someone who flat out told me' I wasn't worth fighting for.

[jennie-jennie]

Hmmm...that's a long time to be his mistress. To each his own I guess. I don't think this kind of lifestyle, and for that long, is up Karma's alley. As I stated before, she sounds like a smart cookie with self-esteem to me.

 

Well, I too am "a smart cookie with self-esteem". Whether you choose to be an OW or not does not have anything to do with being smart or having self-esteem. It has to do with what you get out of the relationship. If it is worth it to you, it is. If it isn't, it isn't. As simple as that.

[jennie-jennie]

I can't say I disagree with a single thing you said, Karma. That sounds like the best way to handle things. Good for you for keeping your dignity. We all make mistakes, it's what we do about them that matters. And at least you won't be wasting years of your life being second best.

 

The only one I see wasting her life as second best in these extramarital relationships are the BSs. Unfortunately they don't have a choice since they are not aware of it.

[jennie-jennie]

I said the words that ended the a, but the way he was approaching the conversation I know it was his intent anyway. He was going to break up with me. He said she wants a fair chance. He argued back when I said she didn't deserve one and said he had four little ones to think about before he could write things off. He did not argue when I said that it sounded like he already promised her he would try harder.

 

Bottom line is he broke up with me' by forcing me' to have no choice in the matter. If I had begged him I don't think the outcome would have been any different.

 

My MM lasted six days after that. Six days of NC thinking about me all the time and reading my posts on LS. He was physically at home, otherwise nothing had changed.

 

You guys had somewhat of a Dday, so I guess it might last a little longer.

[jennie-jennie]

I was still in love with my exh the day I packed myself and my kids up and moved out too. I learned love had nothing to do with what was best for us after putting up with physical abuse and cheating for years. It was going to be my demise if I stayed. I have to think leaving mm is a lot like that right now. I don't want to compromise myself for someone who flat out told me' I wasn't worth fighting for.

 

Did he really tell you that or did he tell you he thought his marriage deserved a fair chance?

 

It looks to me like you are the one who thinks he is not worth fighting for.

 

Affairs are a hassle though. So if you are done, it is probably the best for you. These MM tend to be tangled up in the web of marriage for a long time.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It looks to me like you are the one who thinks he is not worth fighting for.

 

What was there to fight for?

Edited October 6, 2010 by LucreziaBorgia