Pushed my ex away with jealousy and insecurity..

[Shatter3d]

My ex and I were in a relationship for 9 months. We work together, and we were flatmates for a couple of weeks before it came physical and started a relationship. So we never really went through the whole dating thing, we lived we each other from day one.

 

I have had jealousy/insecurity issues my whole life. I finally met someone who was on my same level. I finally met the man of my dreams. He loved

me so so much, would do anything for me...adored me.

 

But unfortunately the whole time was clouded by my jealousy. I would get jealous if he spoke to his ex wife, or ex girlfriend. I would get jealous if he spoke to female co-workers who were remotely attractive. He had some history with a girl from work and everytime I saw them together I would nearly explode inside. There were a few times he would tell white lies to me about certain things, and when I questioned him why he would say I lied to 'keep the peace'....so you wouldnt get angry.

 

Throughout the 9 months we broke up a couple of times due to my jealousy. I would never come out and say I was jealous, I would just shut down and not talk to him and he was forever wondering what he had done wrong. The truth is, he didnt do anything wrong, it was my pathetic insecurities that had to go and ruin everything, but I couldnt control it, it was too powerful.

 

We got to a point, about 7 months in, when we decided we wanted to get engaged (despite our issues). He said he wanted to grow old with me, that he couldnt live his life without me and wanted me to one day be his wife. We went ring shopping and put a beautiful ring on lay-by. I was over the moon, so so happy.....until the ugly jealous thoughts started again.

 

A new girl at work started (in his dept) and she was beatiful. All the guys were going ga-ga over her. So I automatically thought that my guy would too. I would only have to see them talking together and this sent me into an emotional wreck (yes silly i know). I asked him if he thought she was pretty, he said no, not really. I know he was scared to say he thought she was in case I got mad. This was really where the relationship took a downward spiral. I could not get these jealous thoughts out of my head.

 

So, I decided to take myself to Therapy. I wanted to hold onto my relationship so much and I would do anything to keep us together. I had one or two sessions, and unfortunately things did not get any better. I approached him and said we need to talk. I said we can either continue along the way we are going (hoping that things get better), we can either have a break to find out what we both want it life and see if we miss each other, or we can break for good. He thought about it for a good 10 minutes and came back and said 'lets just continue along'. However when he said that, I didnt really feel any passion or conviction in his voice, he didnt sound certain. So I said to him are you sure this is what you want, because if you decide to continue along with me, its not going to be an easy road. I wont be cured overnight, I might have some set backs along the way but I need you to support me through this..... he again sat there for about 10 minutes and started to cry and he just said "Im sorry, I cant do this...Im not strong enough to do this, its over"

 

My heart sank I couldnt believe he was just giving up like that. I thought true love was where you stick with each other through thick and thin, through good times and bad? I was shattered to say the least, devastated. I did everything in the book....cried, begged, pleaded, wrote him a letter, nothing worked. He was more adamant every day that it was over and that even me going to therapy was 'too late for him' . I had pushed him over the edge.

 

It made it hard because we were still living together. I had to make the hardest decision of my life... I didnt want him to move out becuase I though that if we still lived together, then there might be a better chance of reconcilliation. Who was I kidding? It was very tense and awkward, he would just hide in his room, only coming out to have a shower or get dinner. All I wanted him to do, was knock on my door and say, baby I made a mistake, I dont want to end things, I will support you to the end. But that never happened. So I approached him and said it would be easier if one of us moved out so we can move on. He agreed and moved out within days.

 

Before he left we had a brief conversation. He basically said he could not handle any more mental abuse from me. He said he was always walking on egg shells and always nervous. He was always on edge and no matter what he did for me it was not enough. In the end he said his heart is on empty although he said he still loves me... I tried to convince him to just take a break instead of just making it so final. He seemed to agree at the idea of a break, but I dont know...sometimes he just says things to please me.

 

So here I am now, left in this house full of memories of us two and its just killing me. I am on day 2 of NC...its so hard. I hate myself for what I put him through, but Im not going to give up on myself, Im going to get the help I need, Im going to continue therapy with or without him, I need to do this for myself. I love him so so much and I know he loves me too. I feel like he resents me though, like he almost hates me for what I did. I'm hoping that will fade in time, and that he will see the good qualities in me.

 

I want him back so bad, but I know Im not ready. I need to fix myself first. Do you think in time he will forgive me for what I put him through? What is my best approach, keep going with NC? Its hard because we work together, but on different floors, so its not too bad.

 

I know this has been a long thread, and I thankyou for taking the time to read it. Any advice would be appreciated.

Edited October 3, 2010 by Shatter3d

[Sambo]

 

I want him back so bad, but I know Im not ready. I need to fix myself first. Do you think in time he will forgive me for what I put him through? What is my best approach, keep going with NC?

 

.

 

 

You have SERIOUS work to do on YOURSELF.

 

I think your on the right road but you really do need to understand the extent and seriousness of your issues because you future happiness is depending on it.

 

So forget the guy and focus on YOU.

[Banega100]

erm i may be able to help.

I recently chased away an ex girlfriend who was mad about me. I acted totally mental like you. I'm working on ironing out these insecurities before i get serious again, it's not fair on the other person.

 

I think it's intrisically linked to your self esteem and feelings of self worth. Maybe some self affirmations will help you. And when you have these jealous or insecure thoughts you have to wrute them down and evaluate them, logically until you no longer believe them. Therapy too is the right answer.

 

I'm gonna kick this sht because it's just wrecked the best thing in my life and i don't want a repeat of that.

[Capthxc]

I know where you're coming from. Same thing killed my relationship. Got jealous and insecure over the stupidest things, and she would always tell me that shes still here, until about 4 weeks ago when she couldnt take it anymore.

 

 

Every other BU hasnt been this rough for me, but i guess thats because its never been my fault, always the other person who cheated or lied. Lost the best thing i ever had in my life because of these issues, and its eating me up inside.

[Trovador]

I won´t give you false hopes... I've been able to forget some serious damage I've received in a couple of relationships but I never have entertained the single thought of going back to them... I don't hate them (now) but I am not the least interested in even talking once to them ever... I hope they learnt something about their behaviour (you have managed to recognize your problem and that's auspicious) and were able to change, for their own good...

 

And while you work on yourself, remember that he must undergo his own process of recovery...

[Banega100]

I won´t give you false hopes... I've been able to forget some serious damage I've received in a couple of relationships but I never have entertained the single thought of going back to them... I don't hate them (now) but I am not the least interested in even talking once to them ever... I hope they learnt something about their behaviour (you have managed to recognize your problem and that's auspicious) and were able to change, for their own good...

 

And while you work on yourself, remember that he must undergo his own process of recovery...

 

yeah, yeah, of course, keep in mind that once it's over it's truly done, and you just have to take the lessons.

[Shatter3d]

Why do you say that once over, it's truly done? Do you think there is no chance at all that in time he can forgive me and give it another shot if he feels I have changed for the better?

I'm on Day 10 of nc and it's taking every little bit of strength inside me not to text him. I just want to tell him that I miss him. The other thing I wanted to know is that I'm still confused if we are just on a break or broken for good, I just want to know where his head is at so I can move on one way or another.