is this depression or is she using me???

[traveler]

i need some advise. i have been seeing this 40 year old girl in a long distance relationship (200 miles) for about a year. she has a history of abuse and rape, which i dont know the real details (as to who or when it happened) and only found out about it once when she got mad and was telling me of her travails ---she has a huge chip on her shoulder about her life, her job, her sister-in-law, etc. which she constantly reminds you of. we try to see one another at least every 2 weeks., and email, which she acts like is a great chore and burden because she has no time!!! she changed after halloween, and became distant - no email, no self initiated phone calls, etc. she makes no attempt to get up with me, and her computer has crashed and she cant fix it and doesnt even put up an effort (probably wants me to buy her one). saw her xmas (she was crying on xmas eve and wouldnt tell me why) and bought her a great gift that she really wanted. before halloween i really spent some time at her house that she bought to fix up - i did a lot of quality work for her that saved her a lot of money and i thought really took a burden off her. she works a lot at a plant and works overtime. while at her house during xmas and while she was gone, i was cleaning her house in general (scrubbing the bathroom) and a call comes in on the answering machine from a guy that says he is working closer to town and would like to see her and misses her- not a call from a friend but from a romantic interest.

so i just figured she had been distancing herself from me and wanted to see somebody else--but i felt like i was being used, as she needs to fix this house, for which i possess the skills, and maybe she wanted to use me as long as possible. so i leave my key and leave. she calls, all upset because this was way out of character for me, and i tell her what happened and has been building over time--- she is all upset and said she really loved me and all-i'm the only man she ever wanted, even though she has dated many and never married----she never explained why she seemingly distanced herself, or the phone call. she went to see a therapist the next day, and when she called back -- which she rarely did---she was cool and analytic---said her therapist said i left her at a bad time (what time?/) and i should be glad she had a support group. it seems they had a general boy-friend bashing to help her mental state and to absolve her of any inward looking or blame. she is on medication for depression and i'm trying to figure how this afects her. but she will not communicate. she makes a big deal out of birthdays, and its my birthday today, which she knows about, and not one word or card, even though i called her tonite to se how she wa---she is always polite and says she misses me and cant wait to get together.

what should i do??/ she wants to meet me when she gets off work and the weather abates. i love her to death and tried to show her this by giving her attention and cards and my time and work. her personal time management skills are abhorrent - she never gets anything done and seems to curse the darkness rather than light a candle. she hasnt accomplished one project at the house by herself - i had to repair her porch columns before her home owners insurance was going to cancel for lack of repair. if you question her she gets very defensive, and acts like no one on the planet has work and problems like her. she wants to marry, and wants to have kids at her age -- which is consistent with her doing everything at the very last minute. i want to love her unconditionally, but i have to protect myself also, and i am not an overly jealous person or paranoid. but i will not be a sucker for anyone if i can help it.

shouldnt someone you want to marry have a right to know of past abuse and depression and how that affects a person and a relationship??? i know its painful, but from what i've read this depression affects everyone, and i am mentally exhausted dealing with her - my next word can be a landmine.sometimes when you talk with her. i dont want to jump into a deep pit of depression with her, if i dont think i can pull her out of the pit that she is in. any opinions on what i should do will be appreciated. from what i'm reading , depression is just as bad on a caregiver than the sufferer. thanks

[faux]

Just from reading the first part of this I knew what I was going to tell you. After finishing I still do...

 

This woman sounds like nothing but trouble. I'd say end it and move on to someone with less problems. Sure, everyone has problems, and within reason some of the more troublesome ones can be worked out between people in a relationship.

 

This woman just sounds like someone you ought to stay far away from. She probably isn't a bad person, but she has too many issues going on. She sounds too much like a lot of my exes. From experience I run far away from people like this (so far as relationships are concerned). I'm understanding, but I weigh what's placed before me these days before making a decision.

 

It really could be her problems that are making her behave this way. However, it's not something you deserve to be a part of at all. I could tell quite a few stories of how I stuck with girls who weren't quite there for me, neglected me, or treated me horribly because of "things". It just isn't worth it.

[traveler]

thanks faux for your reply. i think that i sometimes give people too much of the benefit of the doubt. i have a great life and travel all over delivering million dollar yachts (usually deliveries and short trips) and i think she also resents that.

she is a nice person inside but i dont deserve to be neglcted or used. she hates her existence and i dont seem to be able to help, and wanting to please her i feel like a failure. maybe i am just feeling sorry for her, plus i have been a loner most of my life , with going to sea , and this is the first woman i would ever contemplate settling down with and opening up to. it just seems like anything you do isnt appreciated or is ever enough. she DESERVES this, is her attitude.

maybe she feels like this due to the past, which i could understand if i knew what the details are. she hates her job, but has been there 12 years and wont find another. she just bought a doberman, and now realizes the crimp that puts in her travel plans, because her parents dont want to be stuck with that thing while she comes to the beach to see me on the weekends. and i have no where to keep it. i really think with the dog and the kid thing that she is seeking to solve internal problems with external things to make her happy---that will never work.

i think your advice is right. we have never had intercourse yet, although we have played around, and i felt like i didnt want to push the issue. she said she was waiting for marriage, but i dont think she's a 40 year old virgin. i think your advise is right---i should run, but GOD i hate to fail! but i DESERVE better!!