Partner's ex moving back in & sharing bed??

[HeavenOrHell]

I just wondered how many of you would you find this hard.

She might be homeless soon, she does work full time, although not well paid, but presume she could afford somewhere cheap.

There's a possibility she might move back in with him, not sure how high, it's not been mentioned for a few months now, my partner said to her she can move back in if need be.

Now it's come to the point I think she is going to be homeless, I don't know if she has anywhere else to go.

When my partner mentioned that she might be homeless to me about 3 months ago, I said I would struggle with it if it comes to it as living 500 miles apart we are already restricted. He said he would still be able to phone, but that skype might be tricky.

She stays over at weekends sometimes and sometimes he phones when she's there, sometimes not, depends how busy they are and whether they've gone out or not.

I said a while ago if she moves back in it will restrict us, especially sexually, we're already restricted he said "but she will go out sometimes."

I don't want our sex life to depend on whether his ex is there or not.

I can handle their friendship, I'm also friends with my ex, although I struggle a bit sometimes if she's there the whole the weekend as I am a little jealous as I wish it was me who was with him, just sometimes feels like they're the couple, especially knowing my ex is with his partner as they live in the same town as I do.

But he does make me feel secure, I've never worried he would cheat on me with her, or anyone.

So, would YOU struggle if your partner's ex was moving back in? Or am I being unreasonable?

I want to be reasonable.

I also want him to see there will be restrictions on us if she does.

He's so kind though he would let her move back in, he would probably like her company too as they are still close.

I suppose I'd like him to consider me in this too, I'm sure he would but also think he would put her first. I wish she could stay with someone else. One reason she left him is cos she was too dependent on him, she needed to make more friends etc. After they split up and he met me they even shared a bed still as she has nightmares sometimes, she is quite child like in some ways, he was her first partner, got together when she was 18, he's a few years older. I said I wasn't happy they were sharing a bed when she stayed over even though it wasn't sexual and they weren't cuddling up, just hold hands if she's upset or something. I said I wasn't happy as it's still intimate to share your bed and she sounds emotionally dependent on you still, and maybe he was still emotionally wrapped up in her to some extent.

So was I unreasonable in this too? They did stop sharing a bed after I said how I felt, at first though he said he'd say to her she needs to sleep on the sofa but that he couldn't promise me that she would, ie he was leaving it down to her to decide what to do But it was sorted in the end.

I think it was pretty insensitive of her to ask to share his bed knowing for a while after they split he wanted her back (before we got together). How confusing for him

If she moved back in she wouldn't share his bed.

I'm just scared I couldn't cope if she moves back in. I don't know whether to ask him about if it's going to happen or not now she is homeless (I think), or just wait and see if it's happening and then discuss it?

I also feel heartless saying this, but it's not like he is the only person she could stay with, she wouldn't be on the streets or anything like that.

[TMichaels]

Unreasonable?

 

Ask yourself this...

 

If you lived around the corner from this guy and he told you:

 

a) His ex was moving in with him

b) She would be sleeping in his bed when she needed comforting

c) You two could only have sex when she wasn't home

d) And, the only time he could see or talk to you is when the two of them didn't have other plans

 

Would you think you were being unreasonable then?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[HeavenOrHell]

Haha! yes good points!!!!

I feel like I'm just hoping she won't ask him to move back in, but I don't want it to depend on what she wants I want him to discuss it with me first.

Many thanks for your reply

 

Unreasonable?

 

Ask yourself this...

 

If you lived around the corner from this guy and he told you:

 

a) His ex was moving in with him

b) She would be sleeping in his bed when she needed comforting

c) You two could only have sex when she wasn't home

d) And, the only time he could see or talk to you is when the two of them didn't have other plans

 

Would you think you were being unreasonable then?

 

 

Best,

TMichaels

[Guitarjeff]

Come on now, what kind of relationship can you call this if the person who claims to love you agrees to have an ex move in? Doesn't sound like he wants a serious relationship with you and it doesn't sound like he respects you at all. NO WAY would I accept anything like that from my SO, and NO WAY she would disrespect me like that. Why not just have an open relationship if you go that far, and then why even call it love? I would end my relationship IMMEDIATELY if my SO even suggested moving her ex in, and she would do the same and neither of us would even consider disrespecting our relationship like that.

[nittygritty]

Dump him. He's a liar and a cheat.

[HeavenOrHell]

He hasn't cheated on me, he's been honest with me, he didn't have to tell me they shared a bed for a while after they split, he's always upfront with me.

 

 

Dump him. He's a liar and a cheat.

[HeavenOrHell]

I'm talking about her moving back in temporarily as a friend, nothing more.

 

 

 

Come on now, what kind of relationship can you call this if the person who claims to love you agrees to have an ex move in? Doesn't sound like he wants a serious relationship with you and it doesn't sound like he respects you at all. NO WAY would I accept anything like that from my SO, and NO WAY she would disrespect me like that. Why not just have an open relationship if you go that far, and then why even call it love? I would end my relationship IMMEDIATELY if my SO even suggested moving her ex in, and she would do the same and neither of us would even consider disrespecting our relationship like that.

[HeavenOrHell]

I forgot to add, that he feels somewhat responsible for her in some ways as she moved across the world to be with him, although it was her who left him.

[nittygritty]

He hasn't cheated on me, he's been honest with me, he didn't have to tell me they shared a bed for a while after they split, he's always upfront with me.

 

He's having a love affair with his ex. How is that not cheating?

 

So what if he tells you about his current and past relationship with his ex. Maybe he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it? Maybe he's being emotionally abusive towards you and you don't realize it yet because of the distance? The way you are describing your relationship with him certainly does not sound like he is committed to you and loves and respects you.

 

He needs to set some boundaries and you need to do the same.

[HeavenOrHell]

You haven't read my messages properly, he's not having an affair with her, he is FRIENDS with her, same as I am friends with my ex, he doesn't look at her as his partner or feel that way about her and hasn't done for months, and I trust him about that, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't trust him or if he didn't make me feel special. The issue isn't whether he is cheating on me, the issue is if she moves back in it will put restrictions on me and him and will feel like he is being soft and letting her (as a close friend) needs come before that of his partner's. She was too emotionally dependent on him still after they split, I worry she will be again if she moves back in, but I don't worry he will cheat on me or not be honest with me.

It IS possible to be friends with your ex and not fancy them, I am, and we were together nearly 20 years. I think it is petty when you're expected to shun your partner just cos they had the 'cheek' to dump us, get real, some of us love our ex partners still, but as FRIENDS and nothing more, our hearts are with someone else now.

 

 

He's having a love affair with his ex. How is that not cheating?

 

So what if he tells you about his current and past relationship with his ex. Maybe he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of it? Maybe he's being emotionally abusive towards you and you don't realize it yet because of the distance? The way you are describing your relationship with him certainly does not sound like he is committed to you and loves and respects you.

 

He needs to set some boundaries and you need to do the same.

[porter218]

You haven't read my messages properly, he's not having an affair with her, he is FRIENDS with her, same as I am friends with my ex, he doesn't look at her as his partner or feel that way about her and hasn't done for months, and I trust him about that, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't trust him or if he didn't make me feel special. The issue isn't whether he is cheating on me, the issue is if she moves back in it will put restrictions on me and him and will feel like he is being soft and letting her (as a close friend) needs come before that of his partner's. She was too emotionally dependent on him still after they split, I worry she will be again if she moves back in, but I don't worry he will cheat on me or not be honest with me.

It IS possible to be friends with your ex and not fancy them, I am, and we were together nearly 20 years. I think it is petty when you're expected to shun your partner just cos they had the 'cheek' to dump us, get real, some of us love our ex partners still, but as FRIENDS and nothing more, our hearts are with someone else now.

 

I think you are too quick to dismiss what others are saying not understanding exactly what can be considered an affair. What he is doing is considered emotional cheating, to some degree. He doesn't have to have sex with her for it to be considered absolutely inappropriate when committed to someone else. I find it very possible that he isn't having sex with her, but for god's sake the boy is going to allow her to share his bed. Thats is in no way acceptable, that is emotional cheating. Even though he has been honest, or at least we think he has been, that doesn't automatically make it ok. This guy has some growing up to do and boundaries to set. And you too need to clearly set boundaries that you can accept. He is taking advantage of your trust.

[Angel1111]

Your bf is a complete idiot if he thinks what he's doing is ok. Even if they're not having sex - which I don't believe - his actions are totally and utterly disrespectful of you and your feelings. This should tell you everything you need to know about him.

 

The truth is, he can do whatever he wants behind your back, appear to be upfront (because it would probably get back to you anyway, or you might walk in on him, whatever), and the convenience of an LDR is just perfect for this type of thing.

 

I think you really need to re-think your boundaries because you don't seem to have very strong ones. Any self-respecting women in this situation would absolutely not allow this, nor should they. Yet you're sitting back wondering if you're being unreasonable.

[nittygritty]

You haven't read my messages properly, he's not having an affair with her, he is FRIENDS with her, same as I am friends with my ex, he doesn't look at her as his partner or feel that way about her and hasn't done for months, and I trust him about that, I wouldn't be with him if I didn't trust him or if he didn't make me feel special. The issue isn't whether he is cheating on me, the issue is if she moves back in it will put restrictions on me and him and will feel like he is being soft and letting her (as a close friend) needs come before that of his partner's. She was too emotionally dependent on him still after they split, I worry she will be again if she moves back in, but I don't worry he will cheat on me or not be honest with me.

It IS possible to be friends with your ex and not fancy them, I am, and we were together nearly 20 years. I think it is petty when you're expected to shun your partner just cos they had the 'cheek' to dump us, get real, some of us love our ex partners still, but as FRIENDS and nothing more, our hearts are with someone else now.

 

I've read your messages properly. You can try to put as many layers of whip cream on a big pile of crap as you want but its still going to stink.

 

Buy them a bigger bed? Take pictures for their scrapbook when you visit? I think your wanting people to tell you that its okay and there is nothing wrong with his ex moving in because you know in your heart that he's committed to you, right? What does your ex say about it? Kinda screwed up.

[HeavenOrHell]

He's not sharing his bed now, as I said in my post, I know my post was long, sorry, so you may not have read that bit. He did listen to me when I said I wan't happy with it, so she hasn't done that for a few months.

I may have seemed quick to dismiss somethings some people have said as they seem to be assuming he is having an affair which he isn't. I felt what I'd said had been misinterpreted.

I agree he had/has some growing up to do, I'm only his 2nd serious relationship. He also agreed that he needed to set some boundaries with her a while ago and that he wasn't exactly happy she was still quite dependent on him.

Now though I feel too scared to ask him if she's asked if she can move back in with him a while, if she has then he is gonna be nervous talking to me about it as I already said I will find it hard.

 

 

I think you are too quick to dismiss what others are saying not understanding exactly what can be considered an affair. What he is doing is considered emotional cheating, to some degree. He doesn't have to have sex with her for it to be considered absolutely inappropriate when committed to someone else. I find it very possible that he isn't having sex with her, but for god's sake the boy is going to allow her to share his bed. Thats is in no way acceptable, that is emotional cheating. Even though he has been honest, or at least we think he has been, that doesn't automatically make it ok. This guy has some growing up to do and boundaries to set. And you too need to clearly set boundaries that you can accept. He is taking advantage of your trust.

[HeavenOrHell]

You haven't read the bit which says they haven't slept in the same bed for the past few months, since I told him I wasn't happy with it. I do trust him that he no longer lets her do this.

On the contrary I wanted people to say it's not unreasonable for me to find it hard if she moves back in for a while.

My ex said he would not be happy if his partner was sleeping in the same bed with her ex, but this isn't happening now anyway. I'm going to talk to my ex tonight about the moving in possibility of my partner and partner's ex and see what he thinks about it, want to get as many perspectives on it as possible.

 

 

I've read your messages properly. You can try to put as many layers of whip cream on a big pile of crap as you want but its still going to stink.

 

Buy them a bigger bed? Take pictures for their scrapbook when you visit? I think your wanting people to tell you that its okay and there is nothing wrong with his ex moving in because you know in your heart that he's committed to you, right? What does your ex say about it? Kinda screwed up.

[HeavenOrHell]

He's not doing anything wrong at the moment though, he was naive in thinking it was ok for his ex to get back in his bed once he was with me, but he hasn't done it for several months, he did listen to me. I know they're not having sex, it's not something I am worried about at all.

It might be that he won't let her move back in if she asks him because he will put me/us first I don't know yet.

In his defence he is incredibly loving towards me and makes it clear it is me he loves and wants to be with, I don't doubt that at all, he is a very decent, kind, thoughtful guy, but you'll have to trust me on that one, as I'm the one who has spent time with him, he is naive at times I admit that.

He lives in a country which is more laid back, not so reserved as in some countries, he shares his bed with other friends male or female if they stay over as there's no spare room, yes they could sleep on the sofa but to him it's not a big deal as they're friends and there's nothing in it except sleeping.

 

 

Your bf is a complete idiot if he thinks what he's doing is ok. Even if they're not having sex - which I don't believe - his actions are totally and utterly disrespectful of you and your feelings. This should tell you everything you need to know about him.

 

The truth is, he can do whatever he wants behind your back, appear to be upfront (because it would probably get back to you anyway, or you might walk in on him, whatever), and the convenience of an LDR is just perfect for this type of thing.

 

I think you really need to re-think your boundaries because you don't seem to have very strong ones. Any self-respecting women in this situation would absolutely not allow this, nor should they. Yet you're sitting back wondering if you're being unreasonable.

[aerogurl87]

Too many red flags here. When he cheats or leaves you for her soon, I won't be surprised.

[aerogurl87]

He's not doing anything wrong at the moment though, he was naive in thinking it was ok for his ex to get back in his bed once he was with me, but he hasn't done it for several months, he did listen to me. I know they're not having sex, it's not something I am worried about at all.

It might be that he won't let her move back in if she asks him because he will put me/us first I don't know yet.

In his defence he is incredibly loving towards me and makes it clear it is me he loves and wants to be with, I don't doubt that at all, he is a very decent, kind, thoughtful guy, but you'll have to trust me on that one, as I'm the one who has spent time with him, he is naive at times I admit that.

He lives in a country which is more laid back, not so reserved as in some countries, he shares his bed with other friends male or female if they stay over as there's no spare room, yes they could sleep on the sofa but to him it's not a big deal as they're friends and there's nothing in it except sleeping.

 

This isn't just a friend though. This is his ex girlfriend that he had a serious relationship with (serious enough that she moved to another country to be with him) and that he's still very close too. I see red flags and sirens going off everywhere.

[porter218]

This isn't just a friend though. This is his ex girlfriend that he had a serious relationship with (serious enough that she moved to another country to be with him) and that he's still very close too. I see red flags and sirens going off everywhere.

 

And wait...if I remember correctly she said HE had wanted his ex back prior to getting into this LDR. Perhaps he gets some emotional comfort from having his ex around, since he didn't want it to be over in the first place.

 

This relationship will be a learning experience for the OP.

[HeavenOrHell]

That sounds patronising! I've learnt a hell of a lot the last 18 months, with respect you know very little about me, or my partner. When me and my partner first got in touch we both wanted our ex's back, this was 5 and 6 months on post break ups, but we became closer bit by bit and moved on from our ex's, I moved on because I finally went NC with my ex 7 months post break up (together nearly 20 years), both me and my current partner have been extremely cautious about starting a new relationship, but we both we feel have got something special and we feel lucky. He's not perfect, but nor am I, but he always listens to me and wants to put right any problems, he cares very deeply about me/us.

He hasn't wanted his ex back for about 7 months now. But he's been clear from the start they're still close as FRIENDS and he knows I am close to my ex too, you don't just stop caring about someone the minute you meet someone else.

 

And wait...if I remember correctly she said HE had wanted his ex back prior to getting into this LDR. Perhaps he gets some emotional comfort from having his ex around, since he didn't want it to be over in the first place.

 

This relationship will be a learning experience for the OP.

[HeavenOrHell]

I would be surprised, like I said he is not a cheater, and I would be extremely surprised if he left me for her seeing as, for a start, they weren't very sexual together as she's not a very sexual person and he is, he wouldn't have left her for that reason as he really loved her, but he loves his new found sexuality with me, first time he's really experienced things properly. He loves me now as a partner, not her, he said he sees her as sister now.

I asked him a few months ago what would happen if she wanted him back, and he said it's me he wants a future with that he doesn't see her in that way now, that he's not into hopping from relationship to relationship.

 

 

 

Too many red flags here. When he cheats or leaves you for her soon, I won't be surprised.

[hopesndreams]

she does work full time, although not well paid, but presume she could afford somewhere cheap.

 

There is no acceptable reason for her to move in with him when he is in a relationship with you. She works full time!!!

 

I think you are being extremely gullible. Sorry.

[porter218]

That sounds patronising! I've learnt a hell of a lot the last 18 months, with respect you know very little about me, or my partner. When me and my partner first got in touch we both wanted our ex's back, this was 5 and 6 months on post break ups, but we became closer bit by bit and moved on from our ex's, I moved on because I finally went NC with my ex 7 months post break up (together nearly 20 years), both me and my current partner have been extremely cautious about starting a new relationship, but we both we feel have got something special and we feel lucky. He's not perfect, but nor am I, but he always listens to me and wants to put right any problems, he cares very deeply about me/us.

He hasn't wanted his ex back for about 7 months now. But he's been clear from the start they're still close as FRIENDS and he knows I am close to my ex too, you don't just stop caring about someone the minute you meet someone else.

 

Not meant in a patronizing way. I know you don't stop caring about somebody the moment you meet someone new but you do start to put the new person first. I still am close to several of my Xs and I will always have love for them. The thing is you have to keep in mind is your partners comfort level which if he allows her back into his bed then he isn't worried about how you feel. I don't know either of you, that much is true, but I know he has put you in situations you feel uncomfortable with. You said that yourself. It is always easier for someone on the outside with no invested interest to see a situation for what it really is. It just sounds like your relationship has some very blurry lines.

[aerogurl87]

I would be surprised, like I said he is not a cheater, and I would be extremely surprised if he left me for her seeing as, for a start, they weren't very sexual together as she's not a very sexual person and he is, he wouldn't have left her for that reason as he really loved her, but he loves his new found sexuality with me, first time he's really experienced things properly. He loves me now as a partner, not her, he said he sees her as sister now.

I asked him a few months ago what would happen if she wanted him back, and he said it's me he wants a future with that he doesn't see her in that way now, that he's not into hopping from relationship to relationship.

 

Love is a fickle thing. You asked him would he take her back a few months ago, was she living with him then? If the answer is no then that puts a whole new slant on things if she moves in. By the way if she does move in where will she sleep? In his bed I'd presume since you said he only has one bedroom and doesn't let his friends sleep on the couch. Are you really ok with that, letting his ex sleep in the same bed as him I mean?

 

I'll give you a story of what happened with my sister to put why I said this is a major red flag, more in perspective. My sister dated her boyfriend and then they broke up but stayed together living in the same apartment for awhile. Why? Because the lease wasn't up yet and my sister didn't want to leave her ex boyfriend with paying the rent until he found a roommate. So they were broken up for about 3 months, my sister and her boyfriend started dating other people, albeit living together. My sister even got a new boyfriend in the meantime and was making plans to move out into her own place soon. Well guess what happened next? 3 months later after they broke up, I talk to her and they're planning to get married this spring. I asked why and she said being so close together all the time they just fell back in love and decided that's what they wanted. Hence why if he cheats or leaves you for her it won't surprise me. When people are close to their exes and put themselves in an environment conducive to getting to know each other well again, flames have a way of being rekindled.

[Angel1111]

When me and my partner first got in touch we both wanted our ex's back....

 

But you didn't sleep in the same bed with your ex while in a relationship with your current bf.

 

I hope we're all wrong but, unfortunately, we've see too many cases - particularly in LDRs where so much goes on behind the other person's back. I hope you don't end up with a rude awakening....but I think it's likely.

Edited October 3, 2010 by Angel1111