Partner's ex moving back in & sharing bed??

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, you are right, I agree with all this

We will always be friends with out ex's but there does need to be boundaries. I hope that if the issue of her moving back in does arise that he will listen to how I feel about it and not just do what she wants. He did listen to me about the bed thing at least, but I wonder if she will manipulate things if she asks to move back in for a while and he says it's probably best not, with the bed situation she got upset when he said it's not a good idea anymore now that he's with me, and she asked was he fed up with her and she got tearful That annoyed me, makes me look bad too.

 

 

Not meant in a patronizing way. I know you don't stop caring about somebody the moment you meet someone new but you do start to put the new person first. I still am close to several of my Xs and I will always have love for them. The thing is you have to keep in mind is your partners comfort level which if he allows her back into his bed then he isn't worried about how you feel. I don't know either of you, that much is true, but I know he has put you in situations you feel uncomfortable with. You said that yourself. It is always easier for someone on the outside with no invested interest to see a situation for what it really is. It just sounds like your relationship has some very blurry lines.

[HeavenOrHell]

She wouldn't be sleeping in his bed if she moves back in for a while, she'd be on the couch, he knows I'm not happy for her or any other woman to sleep in the same bed as him, so no I wouldn't be happy with that but we've sorted that out a few months ago. In the (unlikely) event of him letting her back in his bed now then I would feel I've not been listened to and that he's putting her first again, and that would cause VERY big problems.

She had moved out (they were together 11 years, living together for 6 I think) when I asked him if he would take her back a few months ago if she wanted him back in future.

I don't think he's likely to want her back just cos she's living there, not when his heart is with me, also the fact she has left him twice I don't think he could ever go back now, I asked him once if one reason he'd wanted her back to begin with was cos he felt no-one else would want him (low self esteem) and he said yes but that also he did love her still (we weren't together then, neither of us wanted our ex's back by the time we became met up IRL), but both of us moved on and then started to have feelings for each other, he sees now she's not the only person who would/could ever love him! We feel lucky to have met each other after feeling we'd lost the love of our life.

I could be wrong of course and maybe he would fall back in love with her, but this is something I would talk to him about if he starts talking about her moving back in. The way he talks about things and about himself and about love I don't think he would fall in love with her because he's in love with me now, he's very much a one woman man, I think he's seen that there's more to life than his ex and that in some ways (including sexually) they weren't compatible, although had a very deep, loving, close relationship. I don't feel I could fall back in love with my ex at the moment as I love my partner.

My ex tonight said I doubt my partner would be happy if he (my ex) moved back in for a while, I said he'd pretend to be ok with it but don't think he would be. I did ask him a while ago (when his ex was still sleeping in his bed) if he'd be ok if my ex was in my bed, as friends, and he said he'd like to think so but would be lying if he could say for sure he'd be ok with it.

I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be ok with it, I see his insecurities about other male friends of mine, but not like he could make a fuss about my ex if he moved back in seeing as he's close friends with his ex. And the thing is I wouldn't let my ex in my bed even as friends even if he were upset about something because I would think how my partner might feel about it. I would get out of bed though and give him a hug, but OUT of bed, not in it! Anyway, I hope the bed situation won't arise again.

I just need to work out whether to tell him my fears now, or wait and see if he says to me she might move back in, cos it might not happen anyway and I'll have raised the subject for nothing. I want him to not just say yes to her without discussing the pros and cons with me first.

 

Love is a fickle thing. You asked him would he take her back a few months ago, was she living with him then? If the answer is no then that puts a whole new slant on things if she moves in. By the way if she does move in where will she sleep? In his bed I'd presume since you said he only has one bedroom and doesn't let his friends sleep on the couch. Are you really ok with that, letting his ex sleep in the same bed as him I mean?

 

I'll give you a story of what happened with my sister to put why I said this is a major red flag, more in perspective. My sister dated her boyfriend and then they broke up but stayed together living in the same apartment for awhile. Why? Because the lease wasn't up yet and my sister didn't want to leave her ex boyfriend with paying the rent until he found a roommate. So they were broken up for about 3 months, my sister and her boyfriend started dating other people, albeit living together. My sister even got a new boyfriend in the meantime and was making plans to move out into her own place soon. Well guess what happened next? 3 months later after they broke up, I talk to her and they're planning to get married this spring. I asked why and she said being so close together all the time they just fell back in love and decided that's what they wanted. Hence why if he cheats or leaves you for her it won't surprise me. When people are close to their exes and put themselves in an environment conducive to getting to know each other well again, flames have a way of being rekindled.

[LittleTiger]

Slightly different perspective for you HOH. Was friends with my ex for 22 yrs before we got together, still friends now we're divorced (38 years in total). As you know I'm in a LDR with a kiwi man and we skype/phone twice a day, every day.

 

My ex has stayed with me twice since I met my LDR partner. We sleep in separate rooms but we do spend time together when he's here - we go hiking, go out for meals, watch tv etc.

 

My partner understands our friendship and is actually impressed by it - to him it says a lot about us as individuals and about our relationship. There is only one thing he struggles with and that's having my ex around when we skype. We still do it because we want our usual routine to continue and having my ex about shouldn't interfere with that. They've even said a rather tentative 'hi' to each other on skype from opposite ends of the room!

 

So for me, the moving back in scenario doesn't necessarily suggest a sexual relationship. I know that my relationship with my ex is platonic (brother/sister type thing) so I have no reason to doubt others when they say they have a similar thing.

 

What I would say though is that, although you obviously trust your partner (and rightly so I'm sure), you don't know his ex. From some of the things you've said I would suspect that she can't be trusted around your partner and may be trying to worm her way back into his affections - and his bed.

 

I think he was a little thoughtless letting her sleep in his bed when you guys were already a couple. Personally I couldn't do that to a partner. It seems rather disrespectful to me, but I don't know either of them so it's hard to judge.

 

I think you should tell your partner how you're feeling. Even if this dreaded situation doesn't come up, he still needs to know what's going on in your head. You have certain boundaries and there's nothing wrong in letting him know clearly what these are. It might save you a lot of heartache in the future.

 

You've no doubt heard it said many times (usually by a man) but men aren't mind readers. If you want him to discuss pros and cons with you first then just tell him.

[Angel1111]

I would be surprised, like I said he is not a cheater...

 

It might be a good idea to re-read the title of your post, HOH. You emphasize his ex moving back in and sleeping in his bed. If you're so certain that nothing's going on, then why bring it up? If you're just here to defend him, then why spin it the way you did? Just sayin'...

[Eeyore79]

I would find it inappropriate for any woman to sleep with my partner in the same bed, even if she wasn't an ex. If I found out he had another woman in his bed for any reason, I'd dump him on the spot. It's also completely unacceptable for his ex to move back in with him; if she's homeless, that's her problem, not his.

 

He is not prioritizing you at all, and is clearly doing inappropriate things with this woman. He knows you'll stand for it, because you already are - he's had her in his bed before and you've said nothing. Sorry, but you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself; develop some boundaries regarding what is acceptable behaviour, and stop letting him walk all over you.

[Angel1111]

If I found out he had another woman in his bed for any reason, I'd dump him on the spot.

 

Amen to that, sis-ta. That's a showstopper.

[HeavenOrHell]

I've never thought he was cheating and I am sure as I can be that he wouldn't, but yes I have worried about her emotional dependence on him still and at times I feel jealous that he's spending time doing stuff with her and not me cos I'm 500 miles away, l can and do deal with that as he's not cheating on me, but I won't be able to deal with it if she does move back in. Moves back not as a couple but as a friends. My post was more about feeling he might not listen to me if he lets her move back in without talking to me about it first and how it will restrict me and him and our intimacy (cos she'll be there so it will be difficult), ie it will feel like he's putting her first and that would really get to me.

 

 

It might be a good idea to re-read the title of your post, HOH. You emphasize his ex moving back in and sleeping in his bed. If you're so certain that nothing's going on, then why bring it up? If you're just here to defend him, then why spin it the way you did? Just sayin'...

[HeavenOrHell]

It would be quite cold of him to not act compassionately towards her just cos they're not together now, why should he do that, I don't want him to be cold to his ex, I want them to be friends, but there are boundaries.

 

I've said several times in this thread that he DID listen to me regarding her in his bed and they haven't slept in the same bed for months now as he listened to me. He is naive at times yes but he's not horrible.

I didn't dump him when he said she slept in his bed cos I trust him, I could see it was a naive move on both their parts and he realised he should have thought of me, he apologised for being selfish, but to him it was innocent as they all did was SLEEP, and if he shares his bed with a male or female friend to him it is just for a practical reasons, nothing more, there's nothing more to it which is why to him it's not a big deal. But he no longer does this as I don't like it.

I would be stupid to leave him over this when he's one of the sweetest most caring guys I've ever met, he is extremely kind and generous, just too soft towards his ex sometimes.

 

If he never listened to how I felt then I would leave him, but he does, ALWAYS.

 

 

I would find it inappropriate for any woman to sleep with my partner in the same bed, even if she wasn't an ex. If I found out he had another woman in his bed for any reason, I'd dump him on the spot. It's also completely unacceptable for his ex to move back in with him; if she's homeless, that's her problem, not his.

 

He is not prioritizing you at all, and is clearly doing inappropriate things with this woman. He knows you'll stand for it, because you already are - he's had her in his bed before and you've said nothing. Sorry, but you need to grow a spine and stand up for yourself; develop some boundaries regarding what is acceptable behaviour, and stop letting him walk all over you.

[sweetjasmine]

ie it will feel like he's putting her first

 

That's because he is putting her first.

 

She's an adult with a full time job. Why is she behaving like a completely helpless child, and why is your partner perfectly willing to play daddy and prioritize that over your relationship? And why are you shy about telling him this behavior is unacceptable?

[aerogurl87]

If your his girlfriend and he's putting his ex first still then I consider that emotional cheating. And usually emotional cheating leads to that of the physical.

[HeavenOrHell]

I agree, I said to him a while ago it's not helping her to become more independent if she keeps running back to you, he agreed and said he's not exactly happy about it. He's too soft. I know sometimes he feels stuck in the middle as he doesn't want to upset either of us. I think she can be subtley manipulative too, by crying, although she isn't a bitchy person at all or spiteful, that's not her style, and not the sort of person he would like at all.

I got annoyed with him a few months back as we were due to meet up but weren't sure if we'd be able to cos of the volcanic ash stopping flights, so I said if we can't then can we meet the following weekend and he said no as he's spending one of those days with his ex as it was her birthday, I said that means it will be then be put back by 2 weeks and will be then 2 months since we met, he said he wouldn't expect me to change his plans for him like that, fair enough it was her 30th, BUT she sees him far more than me, at the time she was seeing him every weekend, so I didn't think it was too much to ask if he could delay seeing her for a couple of days. He DID understand after I explained, I think that was a time where he was adjusting to being in a new relationship and hadn't set boundaries with his ex much at that time.

He says he really appreciates me accepting their friendship but he knows I have my limits.

When we were discussing the bed situation months ago I said she was childish, which was a bit mean of me, I meant childlike really but I was feeling annoyed at the time, she is childlike in many ways I think.

IF he still says to her she can move back in after we've discussed it and he does it knowing I'm not happy about it; not because I feel he's cheating but because of the restrictions it will put on us, and cos I don't really want them spending all that time together, (I will feel left out), then I will have second thoughts about him, pretty sure I will be out of there.

I'm scared of bringing the subject up, partly as it might not even be on the cards, so I would be bringing up a touchy subject for no reason, and because I am worried he will put her first and then I will want out, and I don't want to lose him

 

That's because he is putting her first.

 

She's an adult with a full time job. Why is she behaving like a completely helpless child, and why is your partner perfectly willing to play daddy and prioritize that over your relationship? And why are you shy about telling him this behavior is unacceptable?

[LittleTiger]

I'm scared of bringing the subject up, partly as it might not even be on the cards, so I would be bringing up a touchy subject for no reason, and because I am worried he will put her first and then I will want out, and I don't want to lose him

 

This is what I meant when I said it might save you a lot of heartache. You need to know where you stand. This is a LDR remember (as if you could forget ) and you are sacrificing a lot to be his partner. The sooner you know about any 'deal breakers' the better it will be for you.

 

From reading your further posts I think he is definitely overstepping the mark. He spends a little too much time with her in my opinion. I still don't think, from what you've said, that he is having sex with her but the way they are behaving would definitely raise a few red flags for me in the 'emotional connection' department.

 

As I said before, my ex and I are friends so I do believe friendships with exes are possible, but if I were you, I wouldn't be comfortable with the depth of their 'friendship'. I don't think you even need to ask about her moving in, I think you just need to make it clear that you are not happy with their level of involvement. I don't think it's unreasonable to set your own boundaries and lets face it, if you guys lived together, or just around the corner, he wouldn't be asking her to move in then would he?

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks LT And for your other message which I've not had time to reply to yet, but I will.

I think I will talk to him tonight about it I'm scared though

To begin with they spent most weekends together, the last 3 months it's been every 2-3 weekends they spend together, or one day/night at his place (not in his bed now though, I would have walked away if they'd kept that up), she stays over cos she lives 1 1/2 hours away, I see my ex most weekends so it about evens out, he doesn't need to stay over with me as he is 20 mins walks away. he has always worried I will find their friendship too much, well he might be right, although she has been seeing less of him lately and making new friends which is good.

A few months ago he said to be honest sometimes he felt her needs were greater as she was/is going through a lot emotionally and he felt I am stronger than her.

I've never worried about them having sex since they split up, I can't stress enough that this isn't on the cards, he's just not like that, you know how you trust your partner about this, I trust mine too.

She has been too emotionally connected to him still, I don't know how emotionally connected he is to her now, I know they will always be close, but just want to be his priority, but I can't be his priority 100% of the time can I? I mean sometimes work or friends take priority over talking to him as he isn't the only thing/person in my life, I do want to generally feel I'm his priority though.

I'm not sure if he would ask her to move in if we all lived near each other, he might do if she said she had nowhere else to go I keep calling him soft (soft hearted) but I am too soft with him over this aren't I

He did say he feels torn sometimes about what to do for the best sometimes, I said is that partly cos if you say no to her you worry she won't want to know you, and then if I end up leaving you you would have lost us both, and he said yes.

I think I do need to ask him if she is moving back in rather than talk about their level of involvement in general terms, cos mostly I am ok with their friendship, it's just lately knowing that she might be homeless has made it not ok! But you're right, I might ask him how emotionally dependent she is on him now and if he is on her.

Wish me luck!

 

This is what I meant when I said it might save you a lot of heartache. You need to know where you stand. This is a LDR remember (as if you could forget ) and you are sacrificing a lot to be his partner. The sooner you know about any 'deal breakers' the better it will be for you.

 

From reading your further posts I think he is definitely overstepping the mark. He spends a little too much time with her in my opinion. I still don't think, from what you've said, that he is having sex with her but the way they are behaving would definitely raise a few red flags for me in the 'emotional connection' department.

 

As I said before, my ex and I are friends so I do believe friendships with exes are possible, but if I were you, I wouldn't be comfortable with the depth of their 'friendship'. I don't think you even need to ask about her moving in, I think you just need to make it clear that you are not happy with their level of involvement. I don't think it's unreasonable to set your own boundaries and lets face it, if you guys lived together, or just around the corner, he wouldn't be asking her to move in then would he?

[LittleTiger]

Wish me luck!

 

Good luck!

 

Let us know how it goes.

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks hun

 

 

 

Good luck!

 

Let us know how it goes.

[Guitarjeff]

heavenorhell, I need a girl like you. I could hop in the sack and sleep with my ex and just simply SAY "Oh, nothing happened, we're just friends", and you'll buy it hook line and sinker. Your boyfriend has it made, he's my new hero. He gets to have his ex move in while you are long distant, and all he has to do is SAY he's not doing her and you buy it, wow.

 

I notice you keep on saying he is now not sleeping with her, and I wish you would change that to *I think he's not sleeping with her because I WANT to believe him, it only LOOKS like he is doing her but I WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING HE TELLS ME*. Sorry, but because you know him it is your clarity that has been skewed. We see the reality of the situation BECAUSE we are not eating up everything he says as gospel. For one thing, I am a guy, and I have yet to see a guy that has a close FRIENDSHIP with an ex and NOT WANT to get something going with them. That's not the nature of men. There IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON why he would need or want to have his ex move in with him while the woman he supposedly loves is a world away. Sorry, but the thought itself is disrespectful of your relationship and should be UNACCEPTABLE to BOTH OF YOU, not just to you. The mere FACT that he could even ENTERTAIN the thought is a slap in the face to your relationship. So please, try to avoid claiming your naive beliefs about how guys share their bed with their ex and they don't do nothing AS FACT. What you mean to say is, YOU BELIEVE HIM, but that doesn't make it so, and most people separate from the situation, (Like Us) don't believe it for a second, NOT A SECOND. That's just not the way men roll.

 

let me assure you, go to the infidelity forum and read about how people in affairs lie and tell their spouse that, "We are just friends". 99.99 percent of the time they are NOT just friends. It's one thing to WANT to believe someone, it's another to CLAIM it's FACT to others who are seeing it from an unbiased position and don't buy it for a second.

[chelle21689]

Have you ever met his ex? Have you ever hung out w/ em? just wondering

Edited October 4, 2010 by chelle21689

[CycleOfLove]

Wow.. are you serious? an ex of your boyfriend is moving IN with him and sleeping with him IN the same bed? and you are still with him? DUMP HIM. I don't even see a reason staying with a person like this. say.... How would he feel if you invite your ex to move in with you and sleep in your bed?

[HeavenOrHell]

She's not sleeping in his bed and hasn't for months

He would be ok with my ex moving in because he knows it's HIM I love, that's not to say he doesn't have his insecurities but he would still be ok with my ex moving back in temporarily as he knows we are just friends. I don't think he would be ok if my ex was in my bed if he was having nightmares, he said he likes to be think he'd be ok with it, but said he would be lying if he said for sure he's be ok with it.

 

Also of the posts here make it sound like she's moving back in to be his partner, and that I'm naive for being with him, if she moves back in for a while it is until she finds somewhere else and it would be as a friend NOT his partner.

 

 

Wow.. are you serious? an ex of your boyfriend is moving IN with him and sleeping with him IN the same bed? and you are still with him? DUMP HIM. I don't even see a reason staying with a person like this. say.... How would he feel if you invite your ex to move in with you and sleep in your bed?

[aerogurl87]

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be ok if my boyfriend said his ex was moving in with him period. Especially if they were really close and him and I are in different countries. You say they spend 2-3 weekends out of the month together and she stays over his house at night? That sounds like two people dating, not just platonic friends. Either you're boyfriend is really charismatic and you are falling for him hook, line, and sinker like Guitarjeff said. Or he's extremely naive. But given the fact that you two are over 30 I'd assume, he can't have escaped his 20s without getting some insight into how life works. Yes exes can be friends, but this is beyond friends. Even if he's not cheating physically, he's cheating on you emotionally definitely. The more you write the more I see the red flags waving higher and higher and the alarm bells getting louder and louder.

[Els]

Hey, HoH,

 

I know this sounds rather harsh, but I have a conjecture based on your other thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t245488/ . If putting friends on equal level with one's partner is the way things roll with you two, and your partner's ex is his friend... well. I guess I don't see why he might think it's wrong.

 

NOT saying that this is your fault in any way. However, relationship advice depends greatly on individual relationship dynamics, and I'd wager yours is rather different from that of many of the posters here (whose partners come ahead of friends). Thus, I guess you may want to keep that in mind when processing people's opinions.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, me and my partner are maybe quite unique in that no matter how close me and him are our friends are still very important to us.

For me and him it's not wrong to be friends with our ex's. However this doesn't mean we don't need boundaries in place, you need that anyway with your ex whether you're with someone new or not, but especially if either or one of you is with someone else now.

I think he has been naive with his boundaries, he has only had one proper and long term relationship, so he's learning as he goes along, he's a sweet person and has never been his intention to hurt anybody, that's the last thing he wants.

Yes, you're probably right that our dynamics differ to many other peoples', having said that; he IS ultimately my priority and he said last night that I am his priority.

 

 

Hey, HoH,

 

I know this sounds rather harsh, but I have a conjecture based on your other thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t245488/ . If putting friends on equal level with one's partner is the way things roll with you two, and your partner's ex is his friend... well. I guess I don't see why he might think it's wrong.

 

NOT saying that this is your fault in any way. However, relationship advice depends greatly on individual relationship dynamics, and I'd wager yours is rather different from that of many of the posters here (whose partners come ahead of friends). Thus, I guess you may want to keep that in mind when processing people's opinions.

[HeavenOrHell]

I haven't been to the country they live in yet, so I haven't met her yet, he has suggested before that I talk to her, so I can get to know her a bit and not feel in any way threatened or anything, he also thinks we would get on well. He is more than happy for me to meet her, for us to hang out together.

He is going to meet my ex later this year as they are both mean a lot to me and they're both up for meeting, if a little nervous as they're both a bit shy.

 

 

Have you ever met his ex? Have you ever hung out w/ em? just wondering

[HeavenOrHell]

I talked to him about the moving in thing last night, NOT the bed thing as we sorted that one out months ago. When we talked about the bed situation months ago he apologised and said he was really sorry he had been so selfish and thoughtless, and he changed the situation.

 

I know some of you think I should have left him months ago cos he let her in his bed cos of her nightmares, but I am a very open minded person and don't immediately write someone off the minute they do something wrong, although of course it depends what, I mean if he'd been a bastard to me or killed a puppy that's a different matter, not if I know what a wonderful, special person they are. If he deliberately set out to hurt me then of course I would have left him, he hasn't got a nasty bone in his body, he's one of the most compassionate people I've ever met, which is the main reason I love him.

 

I said to him I didn't think our relationship would work out for me if she moved back in because it would bring restrictions and also would mean he'd put her first, knowing how I feel about it. He said that he doesn't think it would restrict us as she works away a lot, which is true, she does go away for a week or two at a time regularly, that we would work things out, he doesn't want us to be restricted more than we already are.

 

He said he totally understands how I feel and he's sorry things are difficult, he said I am his priority, not her, that it's me he wants to be with and not her.

He said he would feel weird about her moving back in, that it would be awkward now he's with me, that she is looking into renting somewhere of her own.

 

I think cos he's always done so much for her, he finds it hard to say no and said a while ago he feels responsible for her in some ways as she moved countries to be with him, and cos she's not very independent emotionally. She can be emotionally manipulative I think too by crying quite easily, like when he told her she couldn't sleep in his bed anymore a while ago and she said "are you fed up with me,' which makes ME look bad. So, he gives into her too easily, feels caught in the middle, but wants to do the right thing, and like I said at times he was favouring her because he said I am stronger than she is. Sometimes he needs to grow a pair

 

I also said I don't want him to resent me over this moving in business, he has to do what he has to do but if he lets her move back then I'm most likely out of there, which would be horrible as we have something special, ultimately though actions speak louder than words.

Again though he sees it all as innocent as they're just friends, which some of you don't believe, but bear in mind I know him and am usually a good judge of character, I am also very wary of people and don't trust easily, I was in one horrible relationship years ago and learnt from that mistake.

Anyway it boils down to priorities, he says I'm his but time will tell.

[aerogurl87]

Yes HOH time will tell. By the way, the more you write about your boyfriend the more he keeps reminding me of Peter Pan. Extreme naivety and the ability to be easily manipulated by those closest to him. In fact I think I'm going to go read that book now.