FWB rules/guidelines

[SouthernSunshine]

What are your rules on FWB? Anything particular? What have you learned? Even the obvious can be stated! Any and all info welcome!!

[Tayla]

Rule #1 Make sure its kept a secret

Rule #2: If in a relations that is to be kept a secret, there is no reason to be in it

Rule #3- Refer to rule 2 before going back to rule 1.

 

Simple when you think about it.

 

I will keep an open mind though that some folks will chime in with some lovely rules....

[Mad Max]

I wouldn't get involved with FWB or FB, but if I did, these are the rules I would have:

 

 

1)This stays between the two of us

 

2)We only sleep with each other

 

3)STD testing before first sex

[SouthernSunshine]

Okay then. I thought this would be somewhat interesting, but now it's just a joke. Hell, I tried!

[Tayla]

it's by no means a joke when the society seems more acceptable of such aloof relations that carry so little regard for the human body or a person in general. DO share though your rules or guidelines...Its absolutely feasible to state such here. its your thread...I just gave my lil two cents ....

[skydiveaddict]

What are your rules on FWB? Anything particular? What have you learned? Even the obvious can be stated! Any and all info welcome!!

 

 

I would never have an FWB. It distorts intimacy and confuses the soul about what real love is, IMHO

[LuckyLady13]

After coming out of a long abusive relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was have a rebound when I wasn't in the right state of mind for a relationship at all. I knew I was vulnerable at the time so I had a FWB for six months and we were clear from the start about our rules.

 

-We are only with each other.

 

-If one of us finds someone who we want to be in a relationship with, we inform the other person right away and cut each other loose.

 

 

I thought he was going to find someone first but it turned out I did! He was a little upset when I told him because the fun was over but it kept me from being vulnerable to a rebound, gave me time to get my head straight and I got into a much better relationship with the next guy...who I'm still with now 4 years later.

[audrey_1]

After coming out of a long abusive relationship, the last thing I wanted to do was have a rebound when I wasn't in the right state of mind for a relationship at all. I knew I was vulnerable at the time so I had a FWB for six months and we were clear from the start about our rules.

 

-We are only with each other.

 

-If one of us finds someone who we want to be in a relationship with, we inform the other person right away and cut each other loose.

 

 

I thought he was going to find someone first but it turned out I did! He was a little upset when I told him because the fun was over but it kept me from being vulnerable to a rebound, gave me time to get my head straight and I got into a much better relationship with the next guy...who I'm still with now 4 years later.

 

Wow! I wish it was that simple!

 

Turns out, the only real FWB-ish type situation I've been in was mostly unspoken with no definitive guidelines. Just sort of happened that way. Dark and murky for both of us, I think. Are we or aren't we? On both sides.

 

I still don't think we know where we stand with each other, and we're both seeing different people. I'm not having sex with anyone. He is.

 

Ugh.

[Calendula]

I've done a fair bit of thinking on this topic, and have had several 'successful' FWB relationships. I have seen the topic come up a number of times on LS forum boards, enough so that I came up with the following set of 'Ground Rules' - guidelines I work by when building such a relationship. They seem to apply for any type of relationship where you want to have sex with someone but aren't looking for long term emotional involvement or commitment, whatever your term for such a relationship may be. This set of 'rules' has worked for me a number of times, perhaps they will work for you. The guidelines I list below are the edited version of this original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2585451&postcount=19

 

I don't believe there is anything 'wrong' with pursuing a FWB relationship, even though I know that several people on this site may judge you for even bringing the issue up. A FWB or NSA relationship is simply another type of relationship that can be built between two individuals. It just happens to involve a certain degree if platonic intimacy and sexual interaction, but simply lacks the romantic I-want-to-be-with-you-forever mentality. Some people can do it and others can't. Some people feel the need for this type of relationship in their lives, others don't. We are each different and must find our own comfort level with each of the relationships we wish to build in our lives. The relative success of such a relationship depends on what both individuals want and on how good your communication is.

 

Ground Rules for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) or Friends-With-Benefits (FWB) Relationships

 

1. Know your reasons. Make sure you know what your reasons are for wanting a NSA/FWB relationship with a certain person before starting one, and be able to clearly communicate these reasons to the person of interest. As has been said in other threads, "you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex." You have to know what you want to get out of such a relationship before entering into one. You have to be able to clearly lay out your expectations for the other person in order to find fulfulment from such a relationship. By the same token, you also need to know what you want from any potential long term romantic partner. It may seem counter to the point of FWB but you need to be able to differentiate between people with whom you could build FWB/NSA relationship and those with whom a long term romantic relationship would be more appropriate. If you don't know what you want long term, how can you really know what you want short term in a non-romantic relationship?

 

2. Know you can keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Make sure that you have the type of personality that enables you to keep your emotions separate from the physical act. This doesn't mean you have to be a heartless b!itch or a$$, but it does mean that you need to be able to separate the physical act of having sex from the intimacy associated with making love to someone. Some people (both male and female) have trouble doing this, for whatever reason, and if this is you, if you equate having sex with intimacy and making love, than a no-strings-attached relationship is probably not for you. Choosing the right person can help with this.

 

3. Choose your partner VERY carefully. ABSOLUTELY AVOID men or women in relationships with other people (married or dating someone else) - these people have issues if they are looking to you for their sexual satisfication and aren't likely to be open or honest with you in more ways than one. Their potential dishonesty and personal issues can directly affect your physical (STDs) and emotional health, so they are best AVOIDED. By the same token, make sure the person you choose is someone you could never see yourself with romantically, but with whom you are physically and emotionally comfortable and whom you feel you can trust - best friend material, but not currently a friend. Knowing what you really want from a potential partner (see #1 above) is important before you can really say that the person you might be interested in for a NSA relationship doesn't romantically fit for you. Make SURE that your potential NSA/FWB partner is looking for sex for the same reasons you are - just for the physical satisfaction and occasional comfort (if these are even your reasons). Get to know them as a person, and make sure you are comfortable spending time talking with them before doing anything sexual. Good communication is absolutely essential. Also, make sure that they will respect you and your opinions or decisions regarding your own body and your physical and emotional health.

 

4. Set clear ground rules, EARLY (i.e. before having sex). Clearly set down the ground rules early on, before any sexual interactions, and discuss and reinforce these rules often. It may seem stark and scripted but the point of a FWB/NSA relationship isn't to be spontaneous or romantic - it is to have enjoyable, safe sex with someone you trust but don't plan to be with forever. Rules such as these may help you keep the physical separate from the emotional: no kissing on the lips, no spending the night sleeping together, no romantic snuggling or petting, no social engagements, no public displays of affection when spending time in public, no long personal phone conversations or texting (this is what your other close friends are for), etc. You will probably be able to come up with a number of other personal rules which could help prevent you both from crossing the line between a purely physical and an emotional relationship.

 

5. Discuss sexual health practices, birth control options, pregnancy, and abortion EARLY. Discuss and/or decide upon what you will do if any of the following happen, before actually having sex: STD testing, condom breakage, birth control measures (condoms, pills, etc), the potential use of the Plan B pill if necessary (and who will pay for it), perspectives on pregnancy and abortion, what to do if either of you finds someone you want to be with romantically, sleeping with other people (is it allowed or not, and what are the conditions either way), dating other people without having sex with them (allowed or not? conditions?), under what other conditions will it be appropriate to end your liasons?, other similar issues that may be important to you both. Always remember that as soon as you decide to have sex with someone you are tying your long term physical health and well being to that of the person you are choosing to physically be with; if you cannot trust them absolutely when they tell you they are clean and healthy, or you're not comfortable talking about such things with them, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them. Again, open direct communication is ESSENTIAL.

 

6. Discuss health history and personal preferences EARLY. Also discuss the following before doing anything sexual: previous sexual history as it pertains to your health and possibly theirs, including last STD testing date and any positive test results you've ever had, personal hygeine and what is and is not acceptable (if it may be an issue), where and when possible sexual encounters will occur (their place or yours and when or how often), your personal limits and preferences, when the use of alcohol is acceptable, etc. Figure out exactly what you are getting into early on, and do them the same favor of telling them directly what they are getting into. When incurable STDs are potentially involved, full disclosure and fully informed consent is ESSENTIAL regardeless of how much you might want to be having sex or might want to avoid rejection. If you want the other person to be honest and open with you, you have to start out being honest and open yourself.

 

7. NO-STRINGS really means no strings - you have no claim on the person you are with. Always remember this. The person you are with IS NOT your long emotional partner. They are at best a friend, someone you trust, whose well-being you care about because it directly affects yours. You have no claim on the person you are having sex with in a NSA relationship, emotional or physical. You therefore have no reason to become attached or jealous - this is the 'no strings' part. If you want 'no strings' it really does mean no strings - very little of the usual romantic relationship stuff comes with it. If you aren't ok with this, then a NSA-R is probably not for you.

 

8. Clear and open communication is ESSENTIAL. I have said it in some form or another in all of the previous points. If you want to know something in particular, sometimes it means volunteering that information about yourself so that you get such information from them in turn. Make sure that the person you choose is someone you can trust and always be someone they can trust in return. It is also important for both of you to recognize that you are using each other equally, and to make sure that all expectations or possible assumptions are clearly communicated or accounted for. As with any type of relationship, effective communication is key to keeping it healthy.

[harmfulsweetz]

I've done a fair bit of thinking on this topic, and have had several 'successful' FWB relationships. I have seen the topic come up a number of times on LS forum boards, enough so that I came up with the following set of 'Ground Rules' - guidelines I work by when building such a relationship. They seem to apply for any type of relationship where you want to have sex with someone but aren't looking for long term emotional involvement or commitment, whatever your term for such a relationship may be. This set of 'rules' has worked for me a number of times, perhaps they will work for you. The guidelines I list below are the edited version of this original post: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=2585451&postcount=19

 

I don't believe there is anything 'wrong' with pursuing a FWB relationship, even though I know that several people on this site may judge you for even bringing the issue up. A FWB or NSA relationship is simply another type of relationship that can be built between two individuals. It just happens to involve a certain degree if platonic intimacy and sexual interaction, but simply lacks the romantic I-want-to-be-with-you-forever mentality. Some people can do it and others can't. Some people feel the need for this type of relationship in their lives, others don't. We are each different and must find our own comfort level with each of the relationships we wish to build in our lives. The relative success of such a relationship depends on what both individuals want and on how good your communication is.

 

Ground Rules for No-Strings-Attached (NSA) or Friends-With-Benefits (FWB) Relationships

 

1. Know your reasons. Make sure you know what your reasons are for wanting a NSA/FWB relationship with a certain person before starting one, and be able to clearly communicate these reasons to the person of interest. As has been said in other threads, "you really need to understand yourself and your needs before engaging in NSA sex." You have to know what you want to get out of such a relationship before entering into one. You have to be able to clearly lay out your expectations for the other person in order to find fulfulment from such a relationship. By the same token, you also need to know what you want from any potential long term romantic partner. It may seem counter to the point of FWB but you need to be able to differentiate between people with whom you could build FWB/NSA relationship and those with whom a long term romantic relationship would be more appropriate. If you don't know what you want long term, how can you really know what you want short term in a non-romantic relationship?

 

2. Know you can keep your emotions separate from the physical act. Make sure that you have the type of personality that enables you to keep your emotions separate from the physical act. This doesn't mean you have to be a heartless b!itch or a$$, but it does mean that you need to be able to separate the physical act of having sex from the intimacy associated with making love to someone. Some people (both male and female) have trouble doing this, for whatever reason, and if this is you, if you equate having sex with intimacy and making love, than a no-strings-attached relationship is probably not for you. Choosing the right person can help with this.

 

3. Choose your partner VERY carefully. ABSOLUTELY AVOID men or women in relationships with other people (married or dating someone else) - these people have issues if they are looking to you for their sexual satisfication and aren't likely to be open or honest with you in more ways than one. Their potential dishonesty and personal issues can directly affect your physical (STDs) and emotional health, so they are best AVOIDED. By the same token, make sure the person you choose is someone you could never see yourself with romantically, but with whom you are physically and emotionally comfortable and whom you feel you can trust - best friend material, but not currently a friend. Knowing what you really want from a potential partner (see #1 above) is important before you can really say that the person you might be interested in for a NSA relationship doesn't romantically fit for you. Make SURE that your potential NSA/FWB partner is looking for sex for the same reasons you are - just for the physical satisfaction and occasional comfort (if these are even your reasons). Get to know them as a person, and make sure you are comfortable spending time talking with them before doing anything sexual. Good communication is absolutely essential. Also, make sure that they will respect you and your opinions or decisions regarding your own body and your physical and emotional health.

 

4. Set clear ground rules, EARLY (i.e. before having sex). Clearly set down the ground rules early on, before any sexual interactions, and discuss and reinforce these rules often. It may seem stark and scripted but the point of a FWB/NSA relationship isn't to be spontaneous or romantic - it is to have enjoyable, safe sex with someone you trust but don't plan to be with forever. Rules such as these may help you keep the physical separate from the emotional: no kissing on the lips, no spending the night sleeping together, no romantic snuggling or petting, no social engagements, no public displays of affection when spending time in public, no long personal phone conversations or texting (this is what your other close friends are for), etc. You will probably be able to come up with a number of other personal rules which could help prevent you both from crossing the line between a purely physical and an emotional relationship.

 

5. Discuss sexual health practices, birth control options, pregnancy, and abortion EARLY. Discuss and/or decide upon what you will do if any of the following happen, before actually having sex: STD testing, condom breakage, birth control measures (condoms, pills, etc), the potential use of the Plan B pill if necessary (and who will pay for it), perspectives on pregnancy and abortion, what to do if either of you finds someone you want to be with romantically, sleeping with other people (is it allowed or not, and what are the conditions either way), dating other people without having sex with them (allowed or not? conditions?), under what other conditions will it be appropriate to end your liasons?, other similar issues that may be important to you both. Always remember that as soon as you decide to have sex with someone you are tying your long term physical health and well being to that of the person you are choosing to physically be with; if you cannot trust them absolutely when they tell you they are clean and healthy, or you're not comfortable talking about such things with them, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them. Again, open direct communication is ESSENTIAL.

 

6. Discuss health history and personal preferences EARLY. Also discuss the following before doing anything sexual: previous sexual history as it pertains to your health and possibly theirs, including last STD testing date and any positive test results you've ever had, personal hygeine and what is and is not acceptable (if it may be an issue), where and when possible sexual encounters will occur (their place or yours and when or how often), your personal limits and preferences, when the use of alcohol is acceptable, etc. Figure out exactly what you are getting into early on, and do them the same favor of telling them directly what they are getting into. When incurable STDs are potentially involved, full disclosure and fully informed consent is ESSENTIAL regardeless of how much you might want to be having sex or might want to avoid rejection. If you want the other person to be honest and open with you, you have to start out being honest and open yourself.

 

7. NO-STRINGS really means no strings - you have no claim on the person you are with. Always remember this. The person you are with IS NOT your long emotional partner. They are at best a friend, someone you trust, whose well-being you care about because it directly affects yours. You have no claim on the person you are having sex with in a NSA relationship, emotional or physical. You therefore have no reason to become attached or jealous - this is the 'no strings' part. If you want 'no strings' it really does mean no strings - very little of the usual romantic relationship stuff comes with it. If you aren't ok with this, then a NSA-R is probably not for you.

 

8. Clear and open communication is ESSENTIAL. I have said it in some form or another in all of the previous points. If you want to know something in particular, sometimes it means volunteering that information about yourself so that you get such information from them in turn. Make sure that the person you choose is someone you can trust and always be someone they can trust in return. It is also important for both of you to recognize that you are using each other equally, and to make sure that all expectations or possible assumptions are clearly communicated or accounted for. As with any type of relationship, effective communication is key to keeping it healthy.

 

This.

 

I never thought much about the texting part and that, but it's a good point. I'd just like to add one thing-keep it about the sex. Meet up, have sex, be done with it. It sounds casual and somewhat cold, but the last thing you really want is to spend time outside of the bedroom (or wherever) and find yourself liking the person as more than that. It's the quick way to emotional attachment. Some people may say that's wrong 'what? You just had sex, then left?!' but it's generally best.

 

When I was with my first ever f-buddy, we spent time outside of sex, and it confused things. Now, with my current one, we never speak outside of sex, and it's literally meet up, have sex, see you later. It's cheap if you want more, if you don't, it's smart.

[Trinity2]

I would never have an FWB. It distorts intimacy and confuses the soul about what real love is, IMHO

 

This is a really good response:)

[Seamless74]

Most of your rules are good.. but RULE #4 BULLOCKS...

 

no kissing on the lips or spending the night... jesus its not like hardcore pornography or prostitution.. gotta lighten up a little on that one.

[mizm89]

I have been in my fair share of friends with benefits relationships. I am currently in one and we have been going at it for about two months. Every friends with benefits relationship is different. The only rules are the ones that you set between the two of you. The only absolutely mandatory rules I would say are

1. Communication: You must be able to communicate openly with the other person. About everything, your feelings, what you want to get out of the relationship, your needs etc. It is the biggest and most important thing in a friends with benefits relationship. Someone always ends up getting hurt and/or angry when there is little or no communication.

2. Safety: If the person that you are with plans on only being with you make sure that he/she is tested before you are together or has been tested recently. I did both for my current FWB and I went on the pill but that was more or less personal preference from his point. If you decide that you are going to be with more than one person, make sure that you get tested or know for sure that the other person is clean. The same thing goes for your FWB.

Other than that the friends with benefits type relationship can be anything that you want. The most common pitfall that I have seen (and experienced) is one person developing feelings for the other but not communicating it, and they end up getting hurt in the end.

[Yvelysse]

I wouldn't get involved with FWB or FB, but if I did, these are the rules I would have:

 

 

1)This stays between the two of us

 

2)We only sleep with each other

 

3)STD testing before first sex

 

Here I agree, I have a FwB and we both agreed to this same list, (not in this order).

 

We were tested,

We sleep with each other ONLY,

Only you all at LS know and he does not have a pc.

 

I'd add, we meet each others needs otherwise. I will feed him and he *blush* spoils me.

 

I'd like to see this relationship progress further. . .

[SouthernSunshine]

I would never have an FWB. It distorts intimacy and confuses the soul about what real love is, IMHO

 

*sigh*