thanks to everyone

[loveweary]

I am new to this site, and sought it out after my 7mo. relationship with a MM ended last week. In just that week's time I've gained a whole new persepctive on my situation by reading all the postings, and it has helped me tremendously.

 

I returned home from a vacation last week to an email from my MM, telling me that he needed to put his own happiness aside for the sake of his kids. He said he owed a renewed effort to be a partner to his wife (they had separated a few months ago). Before I left on my trip, everything was fine, and he gave no indication that this was coming, so needless to say I felt like a bomb had been dropped on me. I was in such emotional shock, that I couldn't function. Like so many others (funny how it really IS the same story everytime), he had always told me that I was the love of his life, and we talked marriage, kids, future, etc. I felt such a strong connection to him, and I was convinced that it was meant to be.

 

But by reading all of the threads, I've come to realize that this was a HUGE fanatsy, perpetuated by him. I came to realize how sad I always felt that he had to leave, that I was constantly on his time, and how I couldn't have a "normal" relationship, like the rest of my 23-year old friends (MM was 33). During the relationship, I always thought that these were the "sacrifices" that I had to make for HIM. I bought into the whole fantasy of a future life with him, and being so in love, I was so blinded to the reality of the situation, thinking that because our "true" love was so strong, it could eventually overcome ALL obstacles.

 

What has helped me SO MUCH is to make a list, a realistic list, of all the things I had been worried about concerning a future b/t him and I during our relationship, but always chose to ignore b/c I was so blinded by love. Things like living a life full of insecurities/jealousy towards his 2 kids and ex-wife (since she would forever remain intertwined in his life), not experiencing the excitement of the "firsts" with him- wedding, purchasing the first house, birth of the first child, etc., the emotional mess this would cause between both of our families, knowing forever that our relationship was born out of lies and deciept, and so many other things.

By really thinking these things through, I feel like the pain/worries/frustration about all those things is lifted. I want to start a life with someone on a clean slate, and I could never have had that with him.

 

I definitely still have my anger, hurt, and sadness to deal with. I loved him, and still do, on so many levels. I'm so sad when I think about all the good times and all that we shared. I do have doubts that I could find someone like him and fall so in love with someone like that again. But I try to erase those thoughts with anger that he broke up with me over EMAIL (and has not spoken to me since). Reading the threads has also made me realize that I do deserve someone who can be there for me 100%, and that I shouldn't settle for the "scraps" that he throws me.

 

Thanks to everyone for helping me so much. I really feel like I am going to be ok, and I have come to respect his decision to end things. I think it was the right thing to do. To everyone seeking the strength to get out of a relationship with a married person, the SOONER the BETTER. The sooner you can start healing....and the sooner you can start a real relationship based on mutual trust, respect, and love.

[Arabess]

I'm glad you shared what the 'end result' can be.....and how it can happen almost overnight. It's seems to easy for people to delude themselves than this AssClown really means anything he says.

 

Maybe he does to a point....at the time he is spewing it forth. Ultimately though, he won't follow thru on one promise he has ever made. He can't. He's too spineless. He would rather wallow in his lies and drag you into his unrealistic fantasy world while making his wife feel like a fool. He doesn't really care about either one of you.....he only cares about himself.

 

If he is trying to make his marriage work though, don't try to contact him. For his children's sake, take the high road and walk away.

 

There will be times you'l feel strong.....and other times you feel like crap. It comes with the territory of loving someone who has no regard for your personal feelings. He is doing you a favor BY LEAVING.

[loveweary]

Arabess,

 

Thanks for your response. Reading your responses to everyone else has helped me just as much! I don't intend on contacting him, for the reason that you said. I have to respect his decision. We actually work in the same company, but it it fairly easy to avoid contact, which I am thankful for.

 

I only replied to his breakup email, just to let him know my anger towards him. After that I packed up all the jewelry, clothes, cards, and EVERYTHING else he has ever given me into a big box, and left it under his desk. It's easier to start the healing process when any shred of anything that reminds you of him is out of your sight.

 

It's hard, but with the help of the support on this site (and a large group of great girlfriends), I'm feeling better so much faster than I ever thought possible. When I feel myself slipping, I just log on here and read. So to everyone who is hurting-keep coming back here- it helps!!

[sami]

Just keep yourself busy and tell us of any new developments in your life. Don't worry it will eventually fade out like any other thing in this life.

[moimeme]

Congratulations on taking your life back! Men like him don't deserve to have good women like you giving up their hopes of a true relationship for them. Once you realize that the best you'll ever get is half a relationship, it's a short step to deciding that you deserve better. Good on you for making that choice!

[naive2001]

I am very amazed by what strength you have. Women like you give the rest of us hope.

 

I am in the situation that you once were in. I really want to let go, but it's difficult. I'm scared of the pain that comes along with that goodbye!!! Regardless I have to do it. I just hope that when time passes by I will also see things like you.

 

All the women that are going through this deserve to have a home of their own, a happiness of their own.

 

Thank You for your courage believe me, it really gives hope and strength to the rest of us!

[loveweary]

Having courage/strength is not easy. I was pretty good last week, since I keep myself busy at work and after work. This weekend I started to get sad though, and then yesterday was almost in tears. My ex-MM and I both work at the same company, and I never really see him because we are in different areas. But yesterday we had a large meeting in our auditorium and I saw him. During the whole meeting I couldn't help but stare, and I was filled with sadness, anger, hurt, confusion, and I pretty much was on the verge of crying. I try to keep coming back to this site to read everyone else's as well as my own advice to try to stay strong, but at times its really hard....

[Chrissy21]

Loveweary:

 

I'm sorry that you had to experience an akward situation like the one in the auditorium. I probably would have broke down into tears if it would have been me. I'm not that strong. I just wonder how he felt when he saw you? Do you think he felt like a complete jerk? Just the way he ended the relationship was completely cowardly. It's easy to send an email or make a phone call than have to look in the other person's eyes and tell them the truth.

 

One day you're going to find your prince charming and realize how better off you are. I know it's easy to say that when you're not the one going through it. But in my heart I know I'm just delaying the inevitable. He might have left his wife but what will I do when he cheats on me? Once a cheater always a cheater, right? I just hope that I'm wrong. You are such a strong person, and you sound like a really good person with a good heart. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve. Sometimes all of the different feelings you go through with a married man makes it seem foolish to go through. With the help of this forum I'm beginning to understand that. All of the times I spent wondering, the times I spent angry, hurt, and confused-and even the times it seems the happiness I feel is too good to be true. In the end it just leaves your whole inner-being in a turmoil.

[loveweary]

One day you're going to find your prince charming and realize how better off you are. I know it's easy to say that when you're not the one going through it. But in my heart I know I'm just delaying the inevitable. He might have left his wife but what will I do when he cheats on me? Once a cheater always a cheater, right? I just hope that I'm wrong. You are such a strong person, and you sound like a really good person with a good heart. I hope that you find the happiness you deserve. Sometimes all of the different feelings you go through with a married man makes it seem foolish to go through. With the help of this forum I'm beginning to understand that. All of the times I spent wondering, the times I spent angry, hurt, and confused-and even the times it seems the happiness I feel is too good to be true. In the end it just leaves your whole inner-being in a turmoil.

 

Chrissy21:

 

Thanks for your kind words. It helps to have people behind me who encourage me to be strong. I know that I do deserve to find my "prince charming", and that ultimately I will be better off. I just have to keep repeating that so I can really believe it.....

 

The things you have said mirror my feelings and thoughts exactly- it's like you are reading my mind. You're so right about all the different feelings in a relationship with a married man, and how sometimes you have to step back and wonder if it is really worth it all. It's a constant emotional rollercoaster- when you're together, it's like the happiness is too good to be true. But then all the time spent apart (which is the majority of the time), when he is with his wife, family, friends, etc., is when the hurt, anger, sadness all sets in because you know he cannot be there for you and it is not fair. Like you said, it is constant inner turmoil.

 

And going through all that turmoil makes me think- WHY would I put myself through this? Why would I want to be in a relationship that brings with it so much confusion, heartache, sadness, and anger? Love shouldn't have to be painful, complicated, ugly, and sad.

[4everluvU]

Hi....I'm new to this site. Just reading about your pain and how you are doing gives me hope. I too have just end a 20+ affair with a M/M.....Found out he was on a vacation....we live in separate states. But early on in the relationship we lived together and kept a hotel with work....then his work end here and he went back to his home....We would talk 4-5 times a day...and saw each other for vacations 3x a year. I know you probably don't believe this....after just writing that I'm saying I can't believe I'm doing this either.

 

The pain this past week is so unbearable....I am just surviving....reading your posts though is good for me....I try not to dwell on myself and think of other's in the same boat. Anyway.....I have to go now....Take care all

[Mr Spock]

Loveweary, I'll be interested to hear how you're doing in future days and weeks. My MM just ended our 6 month affair (I'm 23 also,he's 37) but there was no love professed on his part. I foolishly allowed myself to develop real feelings and now I'm in somewhat of the same boat. It's day 3 for me and I'm doing Ok, depressed as all hell. Seeing his wife around town makes it alot worse too. Very depressed. Keep your chin up, and let us know how you're doing.

 

I'm in day 3 of no contact.....it's hard not to send him a message, and hard not to be dissapointed that I've not gotten any in return. I'm really having a hard time dealing with the fact that I want to spill the beans to pretty much everyone I see on the streed (HEY!! I GOT DUMPED) including his wife. We'll see how that goes........ I've seen him once since his email, which is when I told him how I felt about him. It's over. I have to accept that and move on, as do you-now how the hell do we sort out these feelings we're left with? I'm more confused now than anything else.

[confusion]

Loveweary and others,

 

I understand exactly what you are talking about. If you read some of my other threads you will know that my MM's wife found out about us. She listened to a voice mail that I had left him on his cell. She went ballistic and threatened to kill herself, was swinging knives around, etc. Plus she went running to my MM's parents and played the message for them. Well my MM idolizes his father and his father was extremely upset. In fact he didn't talk to him for days. So the pressure was put on my MM to stay in the marriage and try to work it out. He just couldn't live with himself if she did something stupid and killed herself.

 

Which I do think is the right thing for him to do. But I have to admit it is very hard. It hurts so much. I truly loved him and he told me that he loved me too. I am angry with myself too. A smart person like me -- knew better than to get involved. I tried to hold back and not fall in love. But I just couldn't help myself. I just kept sliding down that slippery slope and stop it. I think he tried to hold back too, but we just kept falling harder and faster.

 

So now it got stopped for me. Like you -- we had a long distance love affair. Talked every day for 4 - 5 times a day and saw each other at hotels for vacations, etc. I know that I truly miss those phone calls. It was so nice to hear from him and just to know that someone really cares about your day and your life.

 

But I also know how wrong this was. It wasn't fair to any of us -- to him, to me, to his parents and to the wife. (Luckily he doesn't have any kids!!)

 

So now I am taking it just one day at time. I think about him all the time. But I am trying to move on. Some days are easier than others. Today is our 4 month anniversary. So that is hard. Plus next week we had scheduled a trip to Hawaii together. Now I am not going. That hurts too.

 

But I am not going to be exclusive. I am going to try to get out there and meet other people. I am not going to sit home and wait for him to call. (As much as I really want too!!) I am just going to do the best I can do.

 

Thanks for everyone else's advice too. It really does help to know that you aren't the only one going through this. That you aren't crazy. Hopefully we can all take it just one day at time too. I know when I am having a really bad day (like today), it helps to come here and read what everyone else wrote. Plus it helps to vent a little bit too.

 

Confusion

[unluckylady]

Originally posted by loveweary

 

But by reading all of the threads, I've come to realize that this was a HUGE fanatsy, perpetuated by him. I came to realize how sad I always felt that he had to leave, that I was constantly on his time, and how I couldn't have a "normal" relationship, like the rest of my 23-year old friends (MM was 33). During the relationship, I always thought that these were the "sacrifices" that I had to make for HIM. I bought into the whole fantasy of a future life with him, and being so in love, I was so blinded to the reality of the situation, thinking that because our "true" love was so strong, it could eventually overcome ALL obstacles.

 

 

 

I have to add my own thanks... I'm on the road to letting go.