Should I call her?

[Hazyhead]

xMM got back in touch a couple of weeks ago. He told me that he had split up from his wife and led me to believe that they were on their way to divorce. Turns out, they're not. He still gaslights her and lies about pretty much everything. I have told him I don't want anything more to do with him. Thing is, I feel like I should inform his wife that he still lies to her - she's goes out of her mind with questions and worry. Plus, I know that telling her the truth will burn all bridges once and for all.

 

Should I call her?

[jj33]

So sorry you had to go through this again.

 

Yes yes and yes. You had a D day right? So she knows about you.

 

You are a lovely strong and courageous woman. Will not be an easy call to make. I would call her tell her its a difficult call to make and understand that you might get pieces of your head bitten off and leave it at that.

 

Again why is it OWs who do this are bunny boilers and there is no similar word for the xMM who keep coming back with rubbish?

 

You go girl!

 

to quote you to you "damn those azzclowns"

 

 

Big hugs

 

edited to add: loyalty is great but when the xMM comes back and gaslights the OW, then all bets are off. At that point he may just find he has f*cked with the wrong person... (literally)

 

and yes color me bitter

Edited October 4, 2010 by jj33

[Hazyhead]

Yes yes and yes. You had a D day right? So she knows about you.

 

You are a lovely strong and courageous woman. Will not be an easy call to make. I would call her tell her its a difficult call to make and understand that you might get pieces of your head bitten off and leave it at that.

 

Again why is it OWs who do this are bunny boilers and there is no similar word for the xMM who keep coming back with rubbish?

 

You go girl!

 

to quote you to you "damn those azzclowns"

 

 

Big hugs

 

edited to add: loyalty is great but when the xMM comes back and gaslights the OW, then all bets are off. At that point he may just find he has f*cked with the wrong person...

 

Thank you, JJ. I want him gone - forever and today I've surprised myself with being upset at the lies he's pulled me into.

 

The thing that bothers me most is that he told me if I ever told the truth it would hurt his little baby and I think it's this, more than anything, that's holding me back. I don't want to bring the child any more pain.

[unspokenwords]

Yes yes and yes. You had a D day right? So she knows about you.

 

You are a lovely strong and courageous woman. Will not be an easy call to make. I would call her tell her its a difficult call to make and understand that you might get pieces of your head bitten off and leave it at that.

 

Again why is it OWs who do this are bunny boilers and there is no similar word for the xMM who keep coming back with rubbish?

 

At that point he may just find he has f*cked with the wrong person...

 

Too right. She'll be mad with you for telling her - that's a given. She'll want to blame you and not him if she's still in denial about him. She may ask what gives you of all people the right to mess with her life - she won't see it that he is one doing that.

 

Will you feel better for doing it? Maybe and maybe not.

Yeah why are OW the bunny boilers and yet the MM is not labelled as anything so emotive?

 

Go for it if you are certain you can deal with the fallout. He deserves it - she probably doesn't but you might be doing her a favour in the long run. Only she will be the judge of that. Good luck.

[pureinheart]

xMM got back in touch a couple of weeks ago. He told me that he had split up from his wife and led me to believe that they were on their way to divorce. Turns out, they're not. He still gaslights her and lies about pretty much everything. I have told him I don't want anything more to do with him. Thing is, I feel like I should inform his wife that he still lies to her - she's goes out of her mind with questions and worry. Plus, I know that telling her the truth will burn all bridges once and for all.

 

Should I call her?

 

She knows, she chooses to stay...personally Hazy, I'd stay in your sane world and not enter into the insanity.

 

If your saying that he will not contact you anymore, that should have happened already IMO, I don't know your entire story, although I'm sure you have told him to stay away .... and .... he calls.

 

I hope you disregard his drama, and stay sane...take care Hazy:)

[Hazyhead]

Too right. She'll be mad with you for telling her - that's a given. She'll want to blame you and not him if she's still in denial about him. She may ask what gives you of all people the right to mess with her life - she won't see it that he is one doing that.

 

Will you feel better for doing it? Maybe and maybe not.

Yeah why are OW the bunny boilers and yet the MM is not labelled as anything so emotive?

 

Go for it if you are certain you can deal with the fallout. He deserves it - she probably doesn't but you might be doing her a favour in the long run. Only she will be the judge of that. Good luck.

 

She doesn't deserve it, but that's the same motivation that is driving me to tell her. Will it atone for what I've done to her? No. But I might be able to move forward that I did the right thing in the end.

 

And I'm not certain I can deal with the fallout. This is rubbish

[Hazyhead]

She knows, she chooses to stay...personally Hazy, I'd stay in your sane world and not enter into the insanity.

 

If your saying that he will not contact you anymore, that should have happened already IMO, I don't know your entire story, although I'm sure you have told him to stay away .... and .... he calls.

 

I hope you disregard his drama, and stay sane...take care Hazy:)

 

This is a good point, Pure. I don't want to get into the mental instability again when I worked so hard to get out of it the last time.

 

She does choose to stay - but under false pretences.

[pureinheart]

She doesn't deserve it, but that's the same motivation that is driving me to tell her. Will it atone for what I've done to her? No. But I might be able to move forward that I did the right thing in the end.

 

And I'm not certain I can deal with the fallout. This is rubbish

 

Then I would say call her and tell her how you feel, the remorse and such...I would rarely say this although I know you are stable and your motives are above reproach.

 

Because of the motivation here (not saying there would be no fallout), you would be ok no matter what....I have to say in bold, that really hit me like a ton of bricks, it may be what you need for closure...

 

Yes it is rubbish, making one mistake and continually paying...I agree completely...wow, I am so very sorry, but this will be ok Hazy..

[jj33]

It will hurt his baby? Are you KIDDING ME?

 

WHat is hurting his baby is his driving the W round the bend by gaslighting her.

 

If you think this will help you move forward then do it. One call no more dont take his calls after.

 

She may not believe you, she may not be nice.

 

If he sent you an email telling you this, the easiest thing to do would be to mail it to her saying very sorry to have to send this to you. I do not want to have any further contact with your H ever again and I thought it was important for you to know the truth.

[Tsm]

I would not tell her. If you have decided that you want nothing that has to do with him, sort it out within yourself without getting yourself involved once again. Like Pure said i would try to keep my sanity intact.

[jj33]

And as for she chooses to stay, she chose to stay thinking he ended it and was remorseful.

 

She didnt choose to stay with an azzclown who is gaslighting her.

 

She may still decide to stay but IMHO Hazy is doing no wrong by telling her in this scenario.

[jj33]

And Hazy only you know what will help you move forward.

 

For some people staying out of it is best.

 

For me, I would be so livid I would not be able to sit quietly but thats just me and Im not sure its the best way to be but I would be so angry and feel so taken for an idiot that I would need to take action. Otherwise I would feel hed taken advantage of me, again. But thats my issue.

 

Only you know yourself. If you can happily go on and not tell then that is simplest.

[Hazyhead]

Then I would say call her and tell her how you feel, the remorse and such...I would rarely say this although I know you are stable and your motives are above reproach.

 

Because of the motivation here (not saying there would be no fallout), you would be ok no matter what....I have to say in bold, that really hit me like a ton of bricks, it may be what you need for closure...

 

Yes it is rubbish, making one mistake and continually paying...I agree completely...wow, I am so very sorry, but this will be ok Hazy..

 

I thought I could do without closure... but then he contacts again. This would shut the door once and for all. Thank you Pure. I still don't know.

[Hazyhead]

It will hurt his baby? Are you KIDDING ME?

 

WHat is hurting his baby is his driving the W round the bend by gaslighting her.

 

If you think this will help you move forward then do it. One call no more dont take his calls after.

 

She may not believe you, she may not be nice.

 

If he sent you an email telling you this, the easiest thing to do would be to mail it to her saying very sorry to have to send this to you. I do not want to have any further contact with your H ever again and I thought it was important for you to know the truth.

 

He texted me this - about his child. I have deleted the texts and everything from him but I print screened my phone before I did, so I have them as photos. This might be the way I'll do it, JJ. Thanks.

[Hazyhead]

And Hazy only you know what will help you move forward.

 

For some people staying out of it is best.

 

For me, I would be so livid I would not be able to sit quietly but thats just me and Im not sure its the best way to be but I would be so angry and feel so taken for an idiot that I would need to take action. Otherwise I would feel hed taken advantage of me, again. But thats my issue.

 

Only you know yourself. If you can happily go on and not tell then that is simplest.

 

There's a huge part of me that feels like this. Last time, I let it go and I walked away without contacting him, even though I was furious then. But again? How dare he.

[jj33]

Oh Hazy. So sorry hes doing this. BIg hugs. I hope this is the last you hear of him.

 

They really are azzclowns. They think they are being clever by reopening things but when you take action you shut down it down. You show him no not interested and you cant gaslight me and when you contact me, there will be consequences.

 

Sadly its the only way to get some people to do the right thing. I hope things are going well with new bf and that this gives you the emotional space to move forward with him.

[Hazyhead]

Oh Hazy. So sorry hes doing this. BIg hugs. I hope this is the last you hear of him.

 

They really are azzclowns. They think they are being clever by reopening things but when you take action you shut down it down. You show him no not interested and you cant gaslight me and when you contact me, there will be consequences.

 

Sadly its the only way to get some people to do the right thing. I hope things are going well with new bf and that this gives you the emotional space to move forward with him.

 

When he feels that I'm getting mad with him he backs right off, telling me 'Goodbye' as if I can do nothing about it now that he's ended it again anyway, even though I had already told him I was done. For me, I can walk away from him, but his wife? I feel so sorry for her.

 

Thank you JJ. Things with new bf aren't exactly at that stage, yet, but hopefully, when I'm free of all this mess.

[TigerCub]

Hey Hazy,

 

I think you should tell the W.

This guy got caught, and most likely begged and cried and promised to be faithful in order for her to take him back.

 

You wanted to just be done with it and move on, and he still didn't respect that and is trying to drag you back into the mess.

 

He's the definition of selfish.

 

Then he has the nerve to guilt you with his baby?

Really? If the f*cker is so concerned about the well being of his baby, he wouldn't be whoring around on his W in the first place.

 

I wasn't sure at first if you should tell the W then I read that crap about how he's guilting you with the consequences to his own f'n kid.

That's crap.

 

You already expressed to him that you don't want anything to do with him, and he still persisted to contact you. He doesn't care about the hurt he causes you, the W or his precious baby.

 

Tell the W, then its up to her to deal with it or turn a blind eye.

But at least, as you said, that'll burn the bridge with him for sure and he'll definitely stop chasing you.

 

Ignore him from now on (if you tell W or not).

 

Good luck to you

[pollyanna22]

Comming from someone who is the BS , I would want to know. I struggle everyday if I did the right thing by staying, and it's been 2 years. One call would change my mind..I'd need proof of course, jsut make sure your doing it to help her and yourself and not throw it in her face because you "lost", but I would want to know. she deserves the right to choose her life.

[bentnotbroken]

This is a good point, Pure. I don't want to get into the mental instability again when I worked so hard to get out of it the last time.

 

She does choose to stay - but under false pretences.

 

 

Exactly. Is it possible you can give her some tangible proof and then send a NC letter to them both?

[Hazyhead]

Comming from someone who is the BS , I would want to know. I struggle everyday if I did the right thing by staying, and it's been 2 years. One call would change my mind..I'd need proof of course, jsut make sure your doing it to help her and yourself and not throw it in her face because you "lost", but I would want to know. she deserves the right to choose her life.

 

I think maybe because I'm so angry with him there is a part of it that is for me too. That's making me hesitate to do it right now. Perhaps I should let the anger wear off a bit.

[Hazyhead]

Exactly. Is it possible you can give her some tangible proof and then send a NC letter to them both?

 

Bent, I've got nothing but proof. So this is very possible.

[Hazyhead]

I've been receiving messages from him telling me of all the terrible consequences if I tell her. It seems I have scared him and now he might just leave me completely alone. He's laying the guilt on thick and it's working. I don't want to cause more pain and if he now spends the rest of his life making it up to her maybe I shouldn't.

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, I've got nothing but proof. So this is very possible.

 

 

I would make copies and send them along with a letter stating any further contact from either of them is unwanted and will be met with legal actions. Go to the phone book and pull the name of a lawyer and tell them all further questions should be directed to said lawyer. Then move on and remember what you learned from this.

[bentnotbroken]

I've been receiving messages from him telling me of all the terrible consequences if I tell her. It seems I have scared him and now he might just leave me completely alone. He's laying the guilt on thick and it's working. I don't want to cause more pain and if he now spends the rest of his life making it up to her maybe I shouldn't.

 

 

Unless your name is violin, then stop letting him play you with his sob storeis like one.