Should I call her?

[whichwayisup]

if you can't ignore his texts, block him or as much as a pain in the ass that it'll be to do, get a new phone number.

 

Calm down and see how you feel. Telling out of anger in the heat of the moment might be something you'll regret. IF you plan on telling her, be prepared to answer all her questions. Don't just drop the bomb and run. Also, if you tell, are you ready for the fallout, the calls, the reaction, not only from her, but from him as well?

 

The A is completely over, right? You have no hopes of wanting him back?

[Hazyhead]

Unless your name is violin, then stop letting him play you with his sob storeis like one.

 

You made me laugh, Bent

 

It's not for him that I'm feeling the pressure, it's for her and the baby. If, like he said, he's finally learned and wants to dedicate himself to her then I don't want to tear it apart if it would work... if that makes sense

 

But he is laying the sob stories. Problem is - a lot of it's true!

[Spark1111]

Unless your name is violin, then stop letting him play you with his sob storeis like one.

 

So agree with Bent.

 

It is another manipulation designed to have you back off from telling her the truth.

 

Will it work AGAIN, HH?

 

Do not allow it to. I, too, took the high road until NC was broken 2 years after DDAY..

 

After that, the respecful kid gloves came off and called her direct line at work.

 

Look, this BS may believe you or not, but please give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Send the letter with all the emails. Tell her you requested NC and he broke it and you informed him that if he broke it again, you would inform her.

 

Then do so.

 

Or this may never end for you OR for her OR for him!

 

Look, unless there is disclosure, exposure, how is anything ever suppose to change for the better?

 

You: Never contacted again.

 

Her: Making an informed decision about her future and her marriage.

 

Him: Changing his behavior to be a better H to his W, if she considers it, or a better, more honest partner for his next relationship.

 

 

To me, truth-telling is a win, win, win!

 

Even if people, in their ignorance, try to shoot the messenger.

[Hazyhead]

if you can't ignore his texts, block him or as much as a pain in the ass that it'll be to do, get a new phone number.

 

Calm down and see how you feel. Telling out of anger in the heat of the moment might be something you'll regret. IF you plan on telling her, be prepared to answer all her questions. Don't just drop the bomb and run. Also, if you tell, are you ready for the fallout, the calls, the reaction, not only from her, but from him as well?

 

The A is completely over, right? You have no hopes of wanting him back?

 

I have no hopes of wanting him back, only of wanting him gone. He messes with my life and my mind and it's hard to be a happy person when that's the case, corny as that sounds.

 

I'm thinking that calming down might be a good idea though. I'm not sure I am ready for the fallout.

[whichwayisup]

Send the letter with all the emails. Tell her you requested NC and he broke it and you informed him that if he broke it again, you would inform her.

If you do this, make it known and clear, very clear to her that the A is over, you've moved on and have someone else in your life. She doesn't know you, so she could think you're telling to cause problems and hope to split them up.

[whichwayisup]

I have no hopes of wanting him back, only of wanting him gone. He messes with my life and my mind and it's hard to be a happy person when that's the case, corny as that sounds.

 

I'm thinking that calming down might be a good idea though. I'm not sure I am ready for the fallout.

 

When indoubt, do nothing. That way you won't regret what you may have said.

 

Now, what about changing your number? Is that possible?

[bentnotbroken]

You made me laugh, Bent

 

It's not for him that I'm feeling the pressure, it's for her and the baby. If, like he said, he's finally learned and wants to dedicate himself to her then I don't want to tear it apart if it would work... if that makes sense

 

But he is laying the sob stories. Problem is - a lot of it's true!

 

 

I can understand that you want to step back for a minute and regroup. But make no mistake, this is his game and he is playing it with both of you. And the both of you can stop him. But you both have to be aware of the situation. Did I mention send them and then block them too. Change numbers, email, get a pit bull who likes to eat balls for breakfast. Just end this for you and her.

[Hazyhead]

When indoubt, do nothing. That way you won't regret what you may have said.

 

Now, what about changing your number? Is that possible?

 

It is possible. Is it possible to block people from contacting you over Facebook? I'll look into that because that's where he is sending most of them from as I don't respond to his texts or calls.

[whichwayisup]

There has to be a way of blocking someone on facebook.

[bentnotbroken]

It is possible. Is it possible to block people from contacting you over Facebook? I'll look into that because that's where he is sending most of them from as I don't respond to his texts or calls.

 

 

Yes, go to security settings.

[Hazyhead]

So agree with Bent.

 

It is another manipulation designed to have you back off from telling her the truth.

 

Will it work AGAIN, HH?

 

Do not allow it to. I, too, took the high road until NC was broken 2 years after DDAY..

 

After that, the respecful kid gloves came off and called her direct line at work.

 

Look, this BS may believe you or not, but please give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Send the letter with all the emails. Tell her you requested NC and he broke it and you informed him that if he broke it again, you would inform her.

 

Then do so.

 

Or this may never end for you OR for her OR for him!

 

Look, unless there is disclosure, exposure, how is anything ever suppose to change for the better?

 

You: Never contacted again.

 

Her: Making an informed decision about her future and her marriage.

 

Him: Changing his behavior to be a better H to his W, if she considers it, or a better, more honest partner for his next relationship.

 

 

To me, truth-telling is a win, win, win!

 

Even if people, in their ignorance, try to shoot the messenger.

 

Thanks Spark. What do you think of sending her a letter telling her that if she wants the truth, I'll talk? Just, if she wants to bury her head in the sand I don't want to force the issue and it's not like if she looked for herself she wouldn't find evidence and that I don't understand - she seems to be trusting him implicitly despite his past screw-ups.

[pollyanna22]

Finding evidence is not as easy as you think, he could just delete as he goes..I'd never find anything if I looked..and I've tried, in the past, If he's good like my H was he's a master at disguising anything!

[Hazyhead]

Finding evidence is not as easy as you think, he could just delete as he goes..I'd never find anything if I looked..and I've tried, in the past, If he's good like my H was he's a master at disguising anything!

 

I guess so. I was thinking of the phone bill as she's had my number for some time (he asked her to throw it away at the weekend so they could move forward) and it must be all over the bill. But I see your point - he is a master of disguise, duplicitous in every way.

[pollyanna22]

oh the phone bill! yes I had that situation..I actually looked at old phone bills for months afterwords torturing myself! but my H has a separate work cell now, so I forget about our personal phones sometimes, I'm surprised she's letting that one go, I feel for you and this woman, so much you have no idea!

[Hazyhead]

oh the phone bill! yes I had that situation..I actually looked at old phone bills for months afterwords torturing myself! but my H has a separate work cell now, so I forget about our personal phones sometimes, I'm surprised she's letting that one go, I feel for you and this woman, so much you have no idea!

 

I don't know why, either, that's why I think she doesn't want to know.

[pollyanna22]

Or people are telling her to let it go "if you really trust him and want to make it work you would'nt be looking for evidence" I hear this all the time from the people who want me to dump my H! lol Idk.. what does your gut say to do? follow that, thats the best you can do.

[Hazyhead]

Or people are telling her to let it go "if you really trust him and want to make it work you would'nt be looking for evidence" I hear this all the time from the people who want me to dump my H! lol Idk.. what does your gut say to do? follow that, thats the best you can do.

 

I honestly don't know. My gut is a little too angry at the moment to be trusted, I think. Thanks pollyanna.

[BB07]

It is possible. Is it possible to block people from contacting you over Facebook? I'll look into that because that's where he is sending most of them from as I don't respond to his texts or calls.

 

YES it's is possible. I will find the link for you.

 

I'm sorry hazy........that you are dealing with his crap again.

 

Hugs.......hon.

 

Will pm you the link for how to info.

[Spark1111]

Thanks Spark. What do you think of sending her a letter telling her that if she wants the truth, I'll talk? Just, if she wants to bury her head in the sand I don't want to force the issue and it's not like if she looked for herself she wouldn't find evidence and that I don't understand - she seems to be trusting him implicitly despite his past screw-ups.

 

Well, yeah, I'd be open to that.

 

If you clarify that your motive was to prevent him from breaking NC again, and that you informed him if he did so, which he did, you would inform her.

 

Because the relationship is long over, you are a good person, and that you wish her marriage well.

 

And I also agree with pollyanna.

 

Once caught, a cheater can go well underground.

 

Plus, she has just had a baby and her self-preservation for the sake of her newborn is very high. Damn! She so wants to believe him.

 

How heartbreaking! And really, how disgusting that he is contacting YOU when he has just had a child!

 

You would think his motivations to preservve a relationship with the mother of his child would be pretty strong, huh?

 

DID this guy face ANY CONSEQUENCES from having an affair with you?

 

Jeez.............

[pollyanna22]

all as you do is go to that persons profile and hit block user. It's that easy:) ask my H!l

[NoIDidn't]

So sorry you had to go through this again.

 

Yes yes and yes. You had a D day right? So she knows about you.

 

You are a lovely strong and courageous woman. Will not be an easy call to make. I would call her tell her its a difficult call to make and understand that you might get pieces of your head bitten off and leave it at that.

 

Again why is it OWs who do this are bunny boilers and there is no similar word for the xMM who keep coming back with rubbish?

 

You go girl!

 

to quote you to you "damn those azzclowns"

 

 

Big hugs

 

edited to add: loyalty is great but when the xMM comes back and gaslights the OW, then all bets are off. At that point he may just find he has f*cked with the wrong person... (literally)

 

and yes color me bitter

 

Too right. She'll be mad with you for telling her - that's a given. She'll want to blame you and not him if she's still in denial about him. She may ask what gives you of all people the right to mess with her life - she won't see it that he is one doing that.

 

Will you feel better for doing it? Maybe and maybe not.

Yeah why are OW the bunny boilers and yet the MM is not labelled as anything so emotive?

 

Go for it if you are certain you can deal with the fallout. He deserves it - she probably doesn't but you might be doing her a favour in the long run. Only she will be the judge of that. Good luck.

 

I think you guys are expanding the Bunny Boiler definition to include things it doesn't. I don't think anyone, other than a MM, would call Hazy a BB for what she is considering.

 

She wants it over. She isn't trying to harass them or hurt him. She simply thinks his W should know that she's being lied to again.

 

Big difference between what she is doing and what is stereotypical of a BB.

 

Plus, there IS a name for men that have bunny boiler tendencies. I call them stalkers. And plenty of MM have resorted to it when an OW walks on them. And plenty of OW have mistaken this stalking for proof of caring. And I don't mean to paint this as purely happening only after affairs. It happens after plenty of ill-fated Rs end. Even BB isn't a term only used when dealing with a woman that goes nuts after an affair.

 

HAZY: I think you should call her and only tell her what he said about them heading towards a divorce and that he's been in contact with you since your D-day and the birth. I think that's all that will need to be said. That and the fact that you never want to hear from him again. (If that's true, that is)

[jj33]

NID you misinterpreted what I meant.

 

What I meant is, Hazy doesnt want anything to do with him. He's come round and gaslighted her in the hopes she will take him back.

 

HE Is the bunny boiler but there is no equivalent derogatory name for xMM who just wont let it die....whereas if the OW did that she would be a bunny boiler

[Hazyhead]

Well, yeah, I'd be open to that.

 

If you clarify that your motive was to prevent him from breaking NC again, and that you informed him if he did so, which he did, you would inform her.

 

Typically, he doesn't seem to remember this bit, Spark.

Because the relationship is long over, you are a good person, and that you wish her marriage well.

 

And I also agree with pollyanna.

 

Once caught, a cheater can go well underground.

 

Plus, she has just had a baby and her self-preservation for the sake of her newborn is very high. Damn! She so wants to believe him.

 

How heartbreaking! And really, how disgusting that he is contacting YOU when he has just had a child!

 

You would think his motivations to preservve a relationship with the mother of his child would be pretty strong, huh?

 

DID this guy face ANY CONSEQUENCES from having an affair with you?

 

Jeez.............

 

He has lived on his own for six months - she kicked him out. He has all this time been trying to get her to take him back. Well, I'm sure that's the case, despite what he tells me. He told me that at the weekend he told her that they should divorce and she broke down and told him she wanted to reconcile. Our relationship is over but it didn't stop the empty promises and I think there is a part of me that is doing it to be vengeful towards him, even though I don't want him... which probably makes no sense. What I mean is, I still care for him, deeply, but he is a toxic person and has no place in my life if I want it to be happy. My point is, this part of me may just need to mourn the loss, again, rather than act on it.

 

all as you do is go to that persons profile and hit block user. It's that easy:) ask my H!l

 

All done! Was easy peasy.

 

I think you guys are expanding the Bunny Boiler definition to include things it doesn't. I don't think anyone, other than a MM, would call Hazy a BB for what she is considering.

 

She wants it over. She isn't trying to harass them or hurt him. She simply thinks his W should know that she's being lied to again.

 

Big difference between what she is doing and what is stereotypical of a BB.

 

Plus, there IS a name for men that have bunny boiler tendencies. I call them stalkers. And plenty of MM have resorted to it when an OW walks on them. And plenty of OW have mistaken this stalking for proof of caring. And I don't mean to paint this as purely happening only after affairs. It happens after plenty of ill-fated Rs end. Even BB isn't a term only used when dealing with a woman that goes nuts after an affair.

 

HAZY: I think you should call her and only tell her what he said about them heading towards a divorce and that he's been in contact with you since your D-day and the birth. I think that's all that will need to be said. That and the fact that you never want to hear from him again. (If that's true, that is)

 

Thank you NiD. You know, I can't 100% say it's an altruistic act, though I haven't figured out my full feelings but I do know for sure I never want to hear from him again. I bear no ill towards his wife, at all, and knowing that she wants, more than anything, to try to work it out, is holding me back from telling her. I'm afraid the sob-stories have worked on me and I would feel even guiltier for blowing her hopes apart.

 

This is what I think I'm going to do: I have copied all my evidence into an email (it's a lot), I will send it to him and tell him that any hint of contact and it will be hand delivered, by me, to his wife. I seemed to have scared him today and it's the first true remorse I've seen. Maybe he'll do the right thing himself. I want to give them that chance.

[Summer Breeze]

I haven't had time to read all of the responses but you could do what I did on dday number 2.

 

I told him that he needed to tell her. Everything. I gave him till a certain time that night and told him that if he hadn't told her everything then I would. I knew it would burn the bridges and I knew he would tell her rather than have me do it. I told him that if he chose to tell her I would send her emails and photos so if he thought he could avoid telling her things he was wrong because I would be random in what I sent. He told her and I emailed. He sent me horribly scathing emails and I went about my business. When I was done sending her the random emails she rang. We talked. They stayed together and 4 months later there was another dday.

 

Force his hand to be honest and if he isn't prepared to then tell him you are. Make the miserable SOB man up or once. If he hasn't got the balls to do it alone give him a good hard shove.

[Hazyhead]

YES it's is possible. I will find the link for you.

 

I'm sorry hazy........that you are dealing with his crap again.

 

Hugs.......hon.

 

Will pm you the link for how to info.

 

This is how messed up their thinking is. HE is the one hurting his little baby and he's trying to make you responsible for it.

 

Tell!! That's my vote.

 

Thanks you guys. As the day has gone on, I've calmed down some and now I just want to get as far away from the situation as possible - no more drama. Telling might bring repercussions for me (he's pretty ruthless) and I'm not sure I want to take that risk. This morning I was all 'Screw it!' but now... not enough.