I scared him away!

[Graciegrace]

OK so I am 24 years old and recently divorced for about 5 months. I meet this incredible guy about 3 months ago. He lives about 120 miles away, so which was fine with me at the time being. We would talk about twice a week about all sorts of things. We got together a few times for dinner, but I just felt I was not ready, but I didn’t want him to slip away, and he was just fine with taking things slow. So I drove out to see him one night. We had a great time, but I was having a problem with being affectionate. My ex hated affection and romance, so this has been a hard habit to break. So any ways. This guy is so nice. I stayed the night with him, and we just kissed and cuddled. I was really impressed with this. So we seemed to talk more after this event. So we have stayed a few nights together, and were nothing but kissing. Then one night when I went to see him. One thing lead to another, and well lets just say it was amazing, and that is all he kept saying. So we talked even more after that. The next time I drove over there again, and had a great time, and one thing lead to another and once again it was amazing. I felt such a connection with him. I told him that I really liked him, and wish I could spend more time with him. He then told me that he wished I lived closer to him. So then I did not hear from him for about 5 days. I was really scared. When he did call he told me he could not afford a girlfriend, and did not have enough time for one. I knew this was coming. Then he told me that he thought I wanted a super serious relationship. I told him I was fine with he way things were, and he seemed to have changed his mind. So then he told me not to worry if he did not call me every day. I said that was fine because I really need to get my head straightened out before I got to involved with him. So This happened 5 days ago, and I have talked to him 2 times since then. So I guess I am wondering what I need to do. Do you think I just scared him away? Do you think he really likes me? What should I do about him? Am I not ready for dating since I can’t bring myself to be affectionate with him? I think I can’t be all affectionate with him because I feel a little intimidated buy him because he is in great shape, and I am in decent shape. So could the affection thing have something to do with confidence? I need some advice!

[maskee28]

I think you need to relax. You were only divorced for two months when you met & got involved with this new guy. Don't move so fast, you haven't even given yourself time to heal from the ending of your marriage, before jumping into another relationship. The longer you wait, the more chance your new relationship has of succeeding, because you will be in a place mentally where you're ready for it.

 

As for whether you've 'scared' him off, I don't really know. But I recently heard a radio talk-show psychologist say something that I thought really rings true: In any relationship, the person who cares about it the least is always the one who controls it. I think that's so true. When one person is really invested in a relationship, and acts kind of 'clingy', the other always has the power.

[moimeme]

I think he needs to get his head straight. If he's a quality guy and you think he's worth waiting for, give it a few months to see if and how his opinion changes. Could be he'll decide he really does want a relationship or else you'll find out that he can't really figure out what he wants, in which case you can decide to move on.

[clia]

It sounds like he's looking for a f***buddy.

 

When he did call he told me he could not afford a girlfriend, and did not have enough time for one.

 

A man who is really interested in you and really likes you would not say this to you.

 

From what you've written, it sounds like your time together has been limited to you driving two hours to his house to cuddle/have sex with him. By saying what he said, he is reiterating to you that this is all he wants. He in no way wants your relationship to get more serious, for you to expect him to take you out on dates and pay for you, or for you to be any type of intrusion into his life.

 

I told him I was fine with he way things were, and he seemed to have changed his mind.

 

Are you sure this is really how you feel? If you only want a casual thing, why are you so worried whether you scared him away? Why are you driving two hours to see him?

 

So then he told me not to worry if he did not call me every day.

 

Yuck. Again, he is reminding you that you are not his girlfriend.

 

So I guess I am wondering what I need to do. Do you think I just scared him away?

 

No. I just think he does not want you as his girlfriend.

 

Do you think he really likes me?

 

I think he really likes to have sex with you. As for the rest...no.

 

What should I do about him?

 

Kick him to the curb. Find a man who cares about you.

[jenny]

i think your demands are too low. it should take a lot more than a guy who can restrain himself from having sex to impress you.

 

maybe take a little time to realize what a terrific commodity and person you are. there is no reason whatsoever that you should have to settle for lukewarm treatment. everything about this guy is screaming disinterest - don't take it personally, just move on.

 

treat yourself to a guy who will treat you well; you deserve one. to chase this one would be masochistic and unproductive.