What kind of Tough Love?

[DukeofKirkaldy]

My daughter is 18, almost 19. She is funny, smart, charismatic. She was extremely loyal to me during the divorce between her mother and me (her mother left for less than honorable reasons). She's a good person, truly.

 

Having said that, she's also lazy, a colossal slob, immmature, and self absorbed. She was a terrible student, barely making it out of high school. She skipped school so often I was actually surprised she graduated. I nearly lost my mind trying to get her through high school. Now she's graduated, and the plan is to get her into the Navy. I'm confident that once she's in, she'll excel. But, she's 5 pounds away from "making weight' and for whatever reason (I think she's stalling), can't seem to lose those last 5 pounds. I'm again, pulling my hair out. In the meantime, she's working a part time job, hanging with friends I don't approve of (no...I'm not a snob. You wouldn't approve of them either) and has a boyfriend who is the worst. He's jobless, losing his teeth, doesn't drive. You get the picture.

 

The bottom line is this: I'm willing to tolerate some of this, if, in the end, she goes in the service. Kind of "the end is in sight". But, I cannot stand the idea of this kid just hanging around for another year, living this terrible lifestyle, hogging up my house, and going nowhere. At what point do I take a stand, and what should that stand be? I can't imagine just kicking her out, as she would, literally, have nowhere to go, and I don't think I could live with myself in that circumstance.

 

Any thoughts?

[spiderowl]

I can understand your frustration. At 18/19 they look grown up but inside they are often very immature and unsure (despite outward impressions). I know exactly what it's like to feel that they just aren't grasping what's important and bumming around being unhelpful, truly I do. I am getting the impression though that you are trying to push her into things she doesn't particuarly feel driven to do.

 

You were the one who struggled to get her through high school. I think I'd have given up, faced with what was clear rebellion. It's one thing to encourage and point them in the direction of study, homework and effort, but another to drive yourself mad over it. I know how hard it is to face the prospect that a talented girl is going to fail because she isn't trying, but maybe she needs to fail to learn a hard lesson. I expect you think it's easy for me to say as you would be the one picking up the financial tab if she does, but these kids know where they can pull strings and wind you up and as soon as they sense something matters to you, they do. Sometimes we have to give up on our ambitions for them, to let them find their own.

 

Whose plan is it for her to join the Navy? Does she want to do it? Did she suggest it, work for it? If she didn't and it was your initiative all along, then you do need to step back and let her decide what matters to her for her future. The Navy is a serious business and lives are risk. It's something only someone with a real drive and interest should be getting involved in. She needs to be self-motivated.

 

Weight is another problem that you seem to be blaming her for. Some people find it incredibly hard to lose weight and are easily disheartened. She may be feeling very depressed about this inside. Your berating her for her failure won't help at all. Maybe she doesn't want to join the Navy after all and is not bothering about the weight? Whatever is happening, I don't think a few pounds on your teenage daughter is something you should be pressuring her about. That would be extremely insensitive and make you more like a sports coach than a father.

 

The boyfriend sounds a worry but honestly, she will find out herself he is not what she wants when she sees her peers going on to do interesting things in life. The difficult thing for you is this takes time and as parents we are all too conscious of how much they are missing in life by all this pointless rebelliing. Step back, switch off, go and do something you like doing, forget about your ambitions for her. Eventually, she'll realise you are not going to push her and she'll have to work out what to do herself. During this stage, she'll probably try to draw you in to her internal debates about her future and at the same time reject every suggestion you might then be tempted to make. Don't bother making any. Seem disinterested and busy. Once she feels she doesn't have to battle with you, she can start to see how things are not working for her at the moment and that will be her motivation to look forward and improve things.

 

She might be around for a while, while she's figuring out what really would interest her, but you don't have to put up with abuse or mistreatment by her or her friends. Ignore what you can and just put your foot down and refuse to argue when things are too much. If she won't do her share of the chores, hide the food (seriously!). If she is imposing too many of her friends on you so that you have no privacy, tell her you want a certain amount of peaceful time and if she won't cooperate, deny privileges. You are basically letting her know there is a consequence to ignoring your feelings. But, you need to be really careful that you are being fair about all this, that you are not trying to impose your will on her and punish her because she won't go in the direction you want, that it really is about respect and fairness as regards chores and privacy and pulling her weight around the house. And, of course, you need some genuine empathy, love and care for her. I know teenagers can be prickly creatures who inspire anger more often than love, but she almost certainly needs love inside even if she's not showing it.

 

I wish you all the best with this. I'm facing similar things myself!

Edited October 5, 2010 by spiderowl