Is it okay that I'm really depressed about losing my friends is it okay to feel this?

[Not the love ace]

Well,

 

I've been really depressed about losing two friends of mine who I was once close to and had a great relationship and also not being able to hang with the people in the group of people I used to hang with anymore. I've taken this really hard because I feel so left out and lonely. I feel like I'm getting older and won't have memories and moments to share with friends and its always been something that's been so inconsistent in my life. I'm 24 years old and feel like I'll never have friends to go grow old with and reminiscent about the good, the bad, the ugly times of experience through our lives.

 

It seems like every year I do make a friend or a group of friends, then we all get a long, have the best times of our lives, have some spectacular moments and then something seems to hit rock bottom over the silliest of things. Its always some silly high school drama that ends the relationship with the friends I have, if not that, they just for whatever reason avoid me. Its like I'm always poison to a group of friends or something. There's always jealously, bitterness, something just always "something".

 

A lot of the times I take a good look at myself, and ask if I am the issue. I come up with all the things that can make me a bad friend and I can hardly name any. Now, what makes me imperfect, I can name plenty. However my imperfections I feel don't really effect my friendships. They can probably get on peoples nerve and all but when it comes down to it I think my friendship and good deeds I do as a friend far outweigh any of my imperfections.

 

I know I'm not an open book with my life, I don't or hardly ever cried to any of my friends about how I truly feel in my life. Emotionally, my heart isn't open because I am so used to keeping things to myself when I'm hurting inside and its hard for me to talk to my friends about it because I hate to come off seeming weak and vulnerable and I feel like people will try and attack that.

 

I know I can also be stubborn and I can be very headstrong and determined about stuff. However, I know for the most part it was usually not for the worst and nothing damaging to a friendship. I can also be very elusive and choose not to share a lot about my life but I am always there for my friends in every way.

 

I'm one of the most laid back, open minded, understanding, welcoming, down-to-Earth, upfront, generous and inviting person/friend.-though that might sound like a contradiction since I said I'm not about myself emotionally. Regardless I do show genuine thoughtfulness towards everyone else and always do a good job of contacting people and making sure I know how they are doing.

 

Basically I KNOW you can't go wrong with me. I don't hold my friends in such high standards, don't expect anything from anyone but to be a friend and I'm just really chill. When I'm wrong I'll admit it and apologize, I'm a firm believer in admitting my mistakes and owning up to them.

 

I'm not perfect by any means but I just don't understand why I can't keep friends. Maybe I'm TOO nice? TOO generous? TOO laid back? Maybe I'm too much of a good thing and people don't appreciate it? Maybe I give more of myself out than I should? I don't know.

 

I know some very selfish, very inconsiderate, crappy people who have plenty of friends who still want to be there friend and who still put effort into being there friend. I see attention whores, big time drama/kings and queens, people that I would say are just all about themselves have plenty of friends clammer to them. They can maintain friends but I can't.

 

I even see people who don't put much effort into friendships have friends. People who are otherwise "boring" who have friends who care and always want to hang with them.

 

Now, it might sound like I'm clingy or needy but trust me, I'm really not. If you were to ask anyone if I was clingy or needy I guarantee more than most of them would say no. I just however; am tired of feeling like I am not important, expendable, an afterthought, or sometimes I feel like people want to be my friend because they use me for what I am worth and once they feel better or I have helped them with accomplish something they can say "you're a great friend" and that's a nice way of telling me that I'm just needed for that.

 

I don't know, I've just been extremely depressed and lonely, feeling left out. I only feel used and abused in this life and feel like I'm completely worthless to everyone. I just want to give up already, I'm tired of putting so much into friendships and always reaching out to people but no one reaching out to me unless they need me.

 

This is one of the major things that has lead me to my terrible depression lately. So I ask, is it stupid to be extremely depressed over losing friends? Especially when you have mostly great times and things just suddenly end abruptly. I feel hopeless without having a social life because it means everything to me.

[Cee]

Friendship is very important to me, especially because I was ostracized and friendless growing up. When I was 11, I would cry and ask God to give me a friend. And then I got my first friend at age 13 when I was in 8th grade.

 

Like you, I am sensitive about friendships, but I have learned to be discerning. I put energy into people who give back. Also, I understand that friendships will drift apart and come back together.

 

I have a good social life now with a few close friends and about two dozen acquaintances. But I also spend time alone and go out without other people. I don't need other people to feel whole, but I love my friends.

 

I think you are doing fine except maybe demanding too much of your friendships. Perhaps you can put time into yourself and your interests so that you don't have to rely on your friends to have a good time.

[Not the love ace]

Sorry to hear that Cee and I'm happy things are fine now for you. I myself have been ostracized too and had a really rough childhood growing up. I was physically abused my several people in and out of my family, mentally and emotionally abused as well and raped. So I know exactly where you're coming from.

 

As for me demanding, trust me, I'm really not. I don't pester people to be my friend and I don't breathe down peoples neck. Though inside it bothers the heck out of me that most the time my friends never reach out to me, I never give them a mouth few for it. I'll mention stuff in a friendly manner like after we end the day I'll say "Its great hanging out with you, lets keep in touch" or tell them "not to be a stranger". That's all.

 

Believe me when I say that I've spent time with myself. A LOT of time by myself. I used to pride myself at one point in my life and say "I'm a lone wolf I can do anything on my own" and I still do plenty of things on my own. There's times where I went out dancing on my own. Being myself I can handle but being lonely has taken a toll on me emotionally and I just feel like crap.

 

I love my small family to death but its mainly because they are family. My sister annoys the heck out of me some times, my mother can be so negative and depressing and I always spend time with my two little brothers and make sure I take them to see and do new things. Especially stuff they are enjoy and interest them. I love my grandmother and always make sure I see her but of course she's old:D.

 

Other than that, my social circle is so shaky and since I'm used to losing friends so much it scares me. I know, I know I should just "look for new friends" and trust me, I do ALL the time. Even when I have a stable (or seems like) connection with friends, its never a bad thing to find and make new friends. On the same token, its so much easier said than done.

 

I've been majorly depressed about this, especially the past few days. After being on my Facebook and seeing the pictures of my friends recent outings and without me there, I felt like garbage. While I sat home this past weekend mostly being way too depressed to go out unless I had to, and crying about having no real social circle or friends (amongst other things on my plate)-they were having the times of their life and not giving a care whether I was there or not. It was like they were much happier with me not being there. Since I seemed to cause them issues.

 

It just upsets me that I was there for all my friends when they were down in the hole and depressed. They would call me and I would hear all them out they would literally cry for or I would go visit them, take them out to eat, chill with them etc. I never threw that in their face, never rubbed it in, never did anything but all the good deeds fly out the window.

 

Now that I really need people at a time where I am in a deep depression and even considering suicide-everyone bails on me.

 

Its hit me really hard and I just feel like nothing.

[Calendula]

I would propose that the primary reason for why all of your 'friends' end up being distant and short term is due to your tendency to be emotionally withdrawn. How can any of the people in your life truly care about you and be there for you to lean on if you don't open up to them emotionally and let them see the weak, vulnerable, needy side of you? If all you let them see is the strong, independent, confident side then they will figure that you don't really need them and drift away from you. Everyone wants to feel needed, and everyone wants to feel like they can be helpful and supportive, but if you never ask for their help (for fear of being clingy or needy), then how will they know that you're human just like them? There is a difference between being needy or clingy, and letting someone know that you have your problems too, and could use their help from time to time. You say that 'everyone bails on you', do they even have a clue that you need them? Have you told them you're having a bad day? Or do you expect them to figure it out and call you up out of the blue to ask you to go do something without a clue from you what-so-ever? If you simply expect things, and don't clearly communicate those expectations, you WILL end up dissapointed.

 

One thing that struck me about your entry is that you say how you are understanding, open, giving, etc, all things which are good for building friendships and getting to know someone initially, but which if done exclusively can lead to distance. Sometimes the tables have to be turned and you have to be the one who receives help, the one who is having a bad day and gets compasion and sympathy, the one who is being difficult and needy, if only so that your friends have a chance to give in turn and therefore feel that they are also contributing to the relationship. You have to let people know that you need them. You have to show your weaknesses, you have to provide them with ways that they can give back to you, or they will drift off with time. There will be nothing to bond you at a deeper emotional level, few things of importance that have been shared to be remembered later on in life. In order for someone to truly care about you and your well being, they HAVE to get to know you on a more emotional level, not just superficially. Sharing good times and fun only gets you so far in terms of the depth of a relationship; sharing the rough times and asking someone to be there for you when you need them are what truly bond people through time.

 

I have a best friend that I've known for more than half my life. We have very little in common, we live in different cities, we lead very different lives, but I know without a doubt that I could call her up at any time if I truly needed to and she would be there for me. Months can pass between when we may talk, but I still know she would be there for me. I gave her a wall hanging once for Christmas; it said, "You will always be my friend. You know too much." I thought it was quite true, and appropriate. She knows those deep dark secrets that I don't share with many, she has known me through the changes I have experienced in my life, she sees my core person and accepts me even as I change, she is the one I vent to if I'm having an especially bad day, she is the one I call to remind me that I am strong and confident when I'm feeling weak and insecure. Everyone needs someone like this, but in order to get such a friend, you have to let them see those parts of you that you are NOT proud of, you have to let them see your weaknesses so they can support you in turn. You have to ask for help.

 

In addition, don't let the fear of losing a future friend keep you from letting someone in. It is scary to think that you could share intimate details about your life with someone one month and then they would be gone the next, but what have you really lost if this happens? So you tell them about your past, abuse that you've experienced, how you feel about certain things; the simple act of talking about it with them, even if they don't really tell you anything significant in turn, will probably help you. If they choose to walk out of your life in a month or so, what harm will it really do to you? If they decide to leave the relationship with you in the past, do you really think that they will care enough about what you told them to spread rumors about you or try to hurt your reputation in some strange way? They have still helped you, even if they leave you. Simply talking about your past, your emotions, your weaknesses, can help you accept such things as a part of you and help you move forward with your life. Sometimes a temporary emotional friend is a good thing - you can share part of your own emotional burden with them, and when they've taken as much of that burden as they can, you can move on to the next emotional friend. And in the process, you might just find a kindred spirit, someone who has gone through similar things as you have but also has had trouble talking about it and getting close to others. You might also find true friendship and support in the most unexpected places or from the most unexpected people. None of this can happen, however, if you fear opening up to others, if you avoid showing them your vulnerable side, if you let fear of loss and rejection cause you to stay alone.