Burn it or sent it

[Soxfan_96]

yup i looked them over and took out some letters about my childhood abuse. thats 4 my eyes only. as for the rest its me venting my frustration and how much we hurt each other. i wrote her a letter i was going to give to her at court, but she didn't have to show up. i included that one. it was a summary of all my feelings throughout this process. yes its a passive-aggressive move, but that girl needs to take some kind of action. she wanted me gone, but couldn't physically go through it. i had to for the sake of my mental health. i didn't want to be the one who paid for it, but it needed to be done. god knows how long it would be if i waited for her. i really loved that girl and tried my best to make it work out. she made no effort nor stayed loyal throughout this process. i hurt so much to be the one to do the divorcing because i didn't want it, i needed it to move on. girl couldn't make a decision to save her life. i think she went crazy through this process.

[michaelhopes]

I was using guilt trips to get what I wanted.

You still are......

I have such great shame and remorse for what I did to that poor girl.

Then stop it...now

Learning how to break the bad attitudes and behaviors.

No you're not.....

 

you need a new therapist....an emotional man is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Sure you have emotions...all men do....but you cant let emotions decide your direction in life. Women generally are ruled by emotions but they dont want to see that in their man....and you dont want to live your life like that

 

Let it go....

Let her go.....

Edited October 8, 2010 by michaelhopes

[You Go Girl]

Even I don't think you should do it...but, you seem determined to...

look through them again, there's more private things in there you don't want on the internet.

It's not quite like Zen-warrior said, telling her where your ammunition is. It's more like handing your ammunition over to the enemy.

[whichwayisup]

Just know by giving her your most inner and deepest thoughts, she may not even read it. Or if she does, she may not care. Or she'll use it against you, photo copy it, spread it around, post it on the net, embarress you. Sure it'll make her look like the cruel and f*kced up one, malcious and a b*tch, but how are YOU going to feel inside?

 

You can't control how she might react. I worry by doing this, it's only going to pour salt into your wounds and make you feel worse, make you regret giving it to her.

 

When it doubt, do nothing. Maybe wait abit longer. She has NO remorse right now. None! It'll be a waste of your time .. Wait till things calm down and then maybe, just maybe, if the timing is better and she's less bitcy and cruel, that's when you give it to her, when she's weakened and less bitter.

 

Make sense?

[whichwayisup]

you need a new therapist....an emotional man is a train wreck waiting to happen

 

I believe this too. Your therapist gave you some really bad advice.

 

Ok, another senario, you give her the letters then she freaks out, shows up at your door, screaming at you, freaking out, threatens you or really pisses you off. What then? How do you handle it? Do you slam the door in her face, call the cops? Or do you react and you two fight. People do crazy things they normally wouldn't do when pushed past their emotional limit.

[PK66]

Shred them, line the bottom of a cage with them, buy a big fat rat at the pet store, and have it all delivered to her...

[The-Zen-Warrior]

It's not quite like Zen-warrior said, telling her where your ammunition is. It's more like handing your ammunition over to the enemy.

 

Man, You Go Girl always has a way of making me go ......hmmmmmm.....but I do tend to agree with her example of my original words. Don't take the "clip" out of your hand gun and give it to her then, keep the clip locked up safe and sound, for you won't ever have to worry about one of your own bullets being fired back at you!

 

 

Good one Girl, keep em coming!

[tornandmarried]

im compelled to this thread.....dont send em man....its just going to validate her decesion to leave you, shes gonna think wow this guy is nuts, hes way too unstable and emotionaly weak to even think about missing him....think about it...how would u feel if u broke up with someone and u get a big envelope full of handwritten letters about how much pain u caused her....would u care? would u laugh and show your firends? would u get a restraining order? seriously......if u want to do something for "you" never speak to her again, show her how strong you are, show her u dont need her or her validation or closure...just burn em and meet new girls

[willowthewisp]

im compelled to this thread.....dont send em man....its just going to validate her decesion to leave you, shes gonna think wow this guy is nuts, hes way too unstable and emotionaly weak to even think about missing him....think about it...how would u feel if u broke up with someone and u get a big envelope full of handwritten letters about how much pain u caused her....would u care? would u laugh and show your firends? would u get a restraining order? seriously......if u want to do something for "you" never speak to her again, show her how strong you are, show her u dont need her or her validation or closure...just burn em and meet new girls

 

I agree totally with this, as hard as it is, don't show her you care, she has to come to the realisation of what she has done and the mistake she made all by herslef. if you send them, she won't care, she will brush it off as a reflection of you because she has to to protect her own self identiity.

 

She will realise in time and if she doesn't then she is not worth a light anyway. By the time she realises I sincerly hope you have moved on so far that you don't care whether she is sorry or not anymore.

[yoga18]

As a therapist myself I disagree on sending those journals you might be putting the control right back in her hands. She shows no sign of compassion and would probably just use it against you if need be. I'm sorry so very very sorry for your loss. I've been there it took a lot of crying, close friends, family, and trusting again to make things better. I wish you all the best. All I can ask and its something I do often.....by doing this action how will it affect you in 5 day after doing it? In 5 months? In 5 years. Again I'm so sorry

[The-Zen-Warrior]

As a therapist myself I disagree on sending those journals you might be putting the control right back in her hands.

 

 

Well there you go, a trained professional therapist has chimed in here! I think it's safe to say, that if a professional therapist is disagreeing with you sending the journal or journals, than you might not want to send them!

 

Thank you yoga18 for your professional opinion, it's very much appreciated!

[Cee]

Burn them. You don't want her inviting her girlfriends over and reading them while drinking a bottle of wine. I wouldn't risk giving personal information to a person who destroyed your heart. Who's knows where the letters will end up. She could throw them in the street & her neighbors could look at them.

 

Please, maintain your internal boundaries and keep your personal journal private. Share it with a trusted friend if you need to share them with someone.

[yoga18]

When you write your true raw emotions they are yours, she is not worthy to see your emtions, anger, love, vulnerable side etc. Usually when we write they are for us and burning them allows for a release if you will, you release all of those feelings. When the people in our lives hurt us its hard but when they hurt us and walk away as if they could care less then you truly know they were not who you thought they were. By handing them to her you really give the power to her, I think you might have certain ideas/hopes/expectations out of giving them to her. All you will get is more questions. Did she read them? Did she throw them away? Did she finally see how much she hurt me? Why didn't she respond? Did she laugh and think I'm pathetic? Does she care? The best way speaking from personal and professional here, the best way to move on is to release yourself of those feelings and find you! Begin a new fresh life do things you have never done live a life that is full. Get a life coach find something to smile about

[MemphisMan]

As a therapist myself I disagree on sending those journals you might be putting the control right back in her hands. She shows no sign of compassion and would probably just use it against you if need be. I'm sorry so very very sorry for your loss. I've been there it took a lot of crying, close friends, family, and trusting again to make things better. I wish you all the best. All I can ask and its something I do often.....by doing this action how will it affect you in 5 day after doing it? In 5 months? In 5 years. Again I'm so sorry

 

In no way am I disagreeing. My only struggle is the power struggle I must seem to endure with a woman I've loved for 17 years. Is power better in litigation or in the ending relationship? Why must life be so hard?

[tobydog]

I can feel your absolute pain as I will be there soon I expect, as I am now. I can't think of what to say, I just keep reading this forum where there are lots of wise words. I feel for you and big hugs from the UK.x

[Soxfan_96]

i had a series of things i wanted to do to let go. i got rid of my ring and other little items i gave her. i gave my parents all the photos of us. i was just returning what i thought belonged to the right people or places. i needed to letting these physical items go. i may have unintentionally created a dialogue i wish to not have. i never got a chance to tell her how much she hurt me. our separation and divorce was on her terms. never wondered if she made mistakes too. she pointed the finger at me and i took all the blame. i learned to be a scapegoat from my childhood and i still possess it today, not as much but still exists. i could never get over how much i hurt failing to realize how much she hurt me. it took 2.5 months to realize she hurt me also. but it was too late. tried talking to her and she wasnt having any of it. the writings were sent so i can feel like my thoughts and feelings were heard. whether they were or not doesn't matter. she got a shot to read them for herself. i chose to send them and im relieved to get rid of them.

[Soxfan_96]

i want to thank everyone who responded to this thread. loveshack has answered alot of questions i had. i feels great to know that there are people out there who have gone through similar experiences. i like to thank you all again for your kind words and advice. it was much appreciated. i've come along way since may 8th. i had to do the toughest thing in my life. divorce the woman i loved, cared about, and fought for. but she needed to go. i need a woman who respects herself and me and is willing to be honest evenif it might hurt. willing to help me if i get sick. and most of all willing to fight to save what special relationship we have. Thank you.

[yoga18]

In no way am I disagreeing. My only struggle is the power struggle I must seem to endure with a woman I've loved for 17 years. Is power better in litigation or in the ending relationship? Why must life be so hard?

 

I don't believe that power is in litigation for no one is victorious there just happens to be someone makes out better, but there is loss on both ends. The power isn't in ending the relationship for again there is always a loss. The power is in being able to pick up your broken heart and begin again. That is where the power lies.

[You Go Girl]

I understand why you did send them soxfan. She never heard you out, heard your pain, heard all your feelings.

So finally you feel like your voice got to be heard, even though you weren't present.

It's not right for a person to be shut out from the relationship ending and their feelings not heard. So I see how it can be a type of closure for you, that finally you have spoken.

[whichwayisup]

You are very strong. One woman is going to be lucky lady when she comes into your life.

[Trimmer]

I read the whole thread and I know that you've already sent them, so I won't chime in with my opinion on that question. I just wish you the very best in your recovery...

 

My only struggle is the power struggle I must seem to endure with a woman I've loved for 17 years.

I wanted to comment here, because I think my thoughts on this may be relevant to Soxfan's situation now that he has turned a corner. There are really different types (or "uses"?) of power. In perhaps the most common case that we think of, power is used in competition with another being to get something, find an advantage, gain a better position, or achieve a strategic victory of some sort. This is in keeping with Zen-Warrior's "don't let her know where your forces are stationed" metaphor (no disrespect intended...)

 

On the other hand, once you've parted, the power you need to use is a non-competitive sort which applies within your own life - the power to rebuild and rediscover yourself as a strong, capable individual. This powere isn't applied in competition with anyone; it's an internal rebuilding process. It's not about affecting her, manipulating her, getting her to hear you, or any of that.

 

Focusing on any of those types of things risks distracting you from your real path of recovery because, as yoga18 pointed out, it yields control to her. Now that things are over, if you depend on her for any element of your recovery ("I just need her to know... I just need her to hear... I just need an answer from her...") then you have surrendered or blunted some of your internal power and control that is better applied to your own rebuilding process.

 

I hope that now that you have sent the materials off to her, you will find it a catharsis - a release that allows you to turn around, face the future, and move on - and not a rubber band that attaches you and pulls you back to that past: why didn't she even acknowledge, respond, answer? I'm not saying that you will simply forget everything, but you need to strive to not allow your past to impede your forward progress. Don't wait for anything from her; don't expect anything from her; don't depend on anything from her to let you move forward.

 

Now that your relationship is over, the power - the control - to move forward ALL comes from you.

 

Listen here:

I don't believe that power is in litigation for no one is victorious there just happens to be someone makes out better, but there is loss on both ends. The power isn't in ending the relationship for again there is always a loss. The power is in being able to pick up your broken heart and begin again. That is where the power lies.

[sumdude]

I hope that now that you have sent the materials off to her, you will find it a catharsis - a release that allows you to turn around, face the future, and move on - and not a rubber band that attaches you and pulls you back to that past: why didn't she even acknowledge, respond, answer? I'm not saying that you will simply forget everything, but you need to strive to not allow your past to impede your forward progress. Don't wait for anything from her; don't expect anything from her; don't depend on anything from her to let you move forward.

 

Now that your relationship is over, the power - the control - to move forward ALL comes from you.

 

Listen here:

 

Amen, it happens that myself and D-Lish recently posted here in the divorce forum about the power our exes can still seem to have over us years after the divorce.

 

In D-Lish's thread words spoken by her ex husband still haunt her today to a point.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t247863/

 

In mine I was cleaning out the house and ran into boxes of love letters and notes that brought back some of the past. Things she said and did still somehow affect me 3 years later. It's a challenge to let go of all of it. But it's necessary in order to live a fulfilling life. Other people's opinions, ideas and how they treat us aren't really the truth. To rely on others for self image, self esteem and emotional stability is a false path.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t248552/

[You Go Girl]

Excellent, Trimmer.

 

Expanding on where your power is--There are two halves.

One--it is when you soberly accept and own what mistakes you have made. This is a sobering process. It is the one that brings guilt, shame, and finally acceptance of each of our errors. We have to own what is ours to grow, we have to own what is ours to change and become better people.

Two--It is when you refuse to own the things that somebody else did to you. I think this is why Soxfan needed to send the letters. He needed to say--you did this to me, I don't own what you did, you caused that pain to me, I didn't deserve it, I didn't cause it to myself. The letters were--what he feels that she owns, and quite possibly may never own up to herself, she may stay in denial.

It is risky business to send the letters because there is always hope of a response when doing something like that. I know, because I fired off a one-line email that just about destroyed me when it was ignored.

It was basically the same type of thing, in a roundabout way, asking if he owned that error of his. Not receiving a response was very self-destructive for me, and set me back into the abyss.

Now a week later I am starting to recover. It was a painful setback.

If you don't receive a response Soxfan--we're here for you. We'll help you through it.

[tornandmarried]

yeah, i had a feeling u would send them anyway.....i can respect that tho, i hope it has a positive effect for you...please keep us informed how that works out for you....how do u feel now about it?

[Soxfan_96]

I had a panic attack after reading everyone telling me I'd be stupid to give them to her. I was very hurt by some people's comments, but they were telling the truth. I didn't disclose the whole situation and by me further explaining the situation, I think I made my point across. I had to remind myself why I sent them.

 

As for how I am feeling, I feel good about letting the writings go. I didn't get a response from her yet. But I doubt she'll respond. She wanted me gone like I was a nuisance. I just wanted to present the opportunity to be heard.

 

I am currently still grieving the lost of the relationship and all the feelings that goes along with it. One moment I'm not thinking about not being married anymore. The next moment I am missing those feelings.

After we "decided" to divorce I worried constantly how she's doing. Now I don't. I think I will be the same with the missing feelings. I have been in a relationship for along time. Its hard to transistion from being with someone to being alone.

 

I learned alot about myself, life, and relationships, but it still hurts very much how this one ended. I never thought I had this much fight in me. I've gone to 22 weeks of therapy in a row. Taking this week off because I just plain tired. I've been kicking ass and taking names for the last 5 months. My mind, body, and soul are tired. I'll go back next week again to continue on working with my personal issues.