Little Kitten Posted October 5, 2010 Share Posted October 5, 2010 So I just got engaged on the 2nd of October to my best friend of 7 years. I've never been his girlfriend. We plan on getting married this week. No, I'm not pregnant even though we're already planning on having kids within a year or two. Even though it may seem like things are moving fast it's not cause we've been in love for years. He just moved into his new apartment in September. We haven't told anyone except our closes friends which includes 3 ppl...somehow in the end we ended up with about 12 witnesses..lmao. It's only gonna get bigger even though we only need two. Neither of us told our parents. My mom will be happy but I'm not so sure of my dad...he has that bad dad syndrome when guys come around me. He hasn't told his mother...he's just gonna let her come over and "introduce his wife" to her. Which she'll be instantly angry when she hears that he "secretly has a wife." but I'm sure she'll jump for joy once she realizes it's me. My dad I'm sure will be upset because he's a pastor and I'm not letting him perform the marriage because him and my fiancee are not on good terms...(Dad doesn't know how to communicate with people...even family members.) and we're not going to let our NEW pastor perform the marriage either. (Neither of us like him. Almost made the whole church angry.) So...as a surprise to him I told him that I wanted his God-Father who was the last pastor of our church to perform the marriage. He had the biggest smile on his face. Everyone at church loved this pastor and were so upset when he left. Everyone at church will be in shock to see us getting married...his mother especially...I'm still worried about how my dad will take it...I am his little girl after all. It's going to be a knife in the heart to him...to not hear about the engagement or even perform the marriage but at the same time I feel that if his attitude was better towards him he would have known... I was going to stay but...my fiancee wants me with him...we're still both young...he's 21 and I'm 23...but it feels like he's the older one. lol I'm so happy. I can't stop smiling. I'm even happy when I dream...we're not too young to get married. We've both been raised a bit old fashioned so...it'll work out. I really don't care much about how my dad feels anymore...he's threatened to kick me out for stating my opinion about him and telling him that he comes off rude to people. He also threatened to hit me for "talking back" So I was to get kicked out for being "disrespectful". I'm soft spoken and I do my damnest to not offend people. He came too close to my friends and even disrespected my mothers side of the family. Am I wrong for not telling him? My own mother wanted me out of the house to get away from him. He doesnt even realize how bad he is and I know that if he knew about the marriage he'd be negative in some way... Link to post Share on other sites
Allisha Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 This is not very good, my dear! Parent need respect from their children, they wanted to be part of their children when the time their children choosing their partner. I know it is so difficult to understand by you right now, but my best advice to you is to discuss this with your parent, both mum and dad. You dad love you therefore he wanted to protect you, do not want anyone to hurt you, if your boy friend is sincere and honest and commit to you, bring him to have a chat with your parent. If you insist of only to tell them after you got married, this will make more harm then good, like a broken mirror, no matter how you wanted to repair it to make it good, a crack line will not make it back to a perfect mirror! The bold bit. Sorry, but this seriously has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have EVER read. Forgive me if I've misread, but are you suggesting that a parent has a say in who their child chooses as a partner? Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 The bold bit. Sorry, but this seriously has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have EVER read. Forgive me if I've misread, but are you suggesting that a parent has a say in who their child chooses as a partner? The most ridiculous thing I've ever read was the OP, wherin a 23 year old girl had decided to marry, within a week, a 21 year old she'd never dated, without telling her family. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted October 6, 2010 Share Posted October 6, 2010 I'm not sure I understand why you're getting married. He's your best friend, but you're not in love. He just moved into an apartment and your dad has threatened you with violence in the past. So are you marrying to get out of your parents' house? Saying this may fall on deaf ears but I'm going to say it anyway. Being courted, having an engagement, planning a wedding are all things to look forward to. You are cheating yourself out of some of the most memorable times of your life by doing this. Loving deeply and passionately the man you will marry is such a gift and a joy. It can't be replaced. Marrying your friend is wonderful, as friendship and respect is necessary in a marriage, but it's not the only ingredient to a happy and successful marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little Kitten Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 I'm not sure I understand why you're getting married. He's your best friend, but you're not in love. He just moved into an apartment and your dad has threatened you with violence in the past. So are you marrying to get out of your parents' house? sadintexas - I'm not marrying to get out of my parents house. I could stay there until I was old and decaying. He moved so he could marry me and I'm leaving to start a life and soon a family with the one I love. You can't make assumptions that I'm not in love. Yes, I am in love with him been in love with him for years. The special part is that he IS my best friend. What matters is that I'm with him, to be a part of his family, and one day start a family with him. We have plenty of special moments just being together the way we have be. He and I are again "Old Fashioned" We've talked about marriage for more than a year. The engagement is short because we know what we want. We're going to have a wedding. He's extremely happy and I'm happy to be with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little Kitten Posted October 8, 2010 Author Share Posted October 8, 2010 The most ridiculous thing I've ever read was the OP, wherin a 23 year old girl had decided to marry, within a week, a 21 year old she'd never dated, without telling her family. eerie_reverie - It seems a little rushed I know. It's just a 2 year difference. Our family does know we were just waiting to tell them and figure out how to tell him. The main issue was...I felt that I could tell everyone BUT my dad. But he knows now and he's extremely excited...the exact opposite of how I thought he'd react. We've dated already but I'm not so much the girlfriend type. I was raised to be a wife not a girlfriend. Everyone in both his family and mine get married young...it's like basic instinct... Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted October 8, 2010 Share Posted October 8, 2010 eerie_reverie - It seems a little rushed I know. It's just a 2 year difference. Our family does know we were just waiting to tell them and figure out how to tell him. The main issue was...I felt that I could tell everyone BUT my dad. But he knows now and he's extremely excited...the exact opposite of how I thought he'd react. We've dated already but I'm not so much the girlfriend type. I was raised to be a wife not a girlfriend. Everyone in both his family and mine get married young...it's like basic instinct... Your family knows what, exactly? Either they know you're going to get married (because you've told them or they've heard about it from someone else) or they don't know. I'm not judging you; I'm just pointing out the reality. I don't think your family knows the crucial details here, and in your dad's case, I think you're worried that he's not going to take it too well when he finally does. Am I right? My own opinion, if you want it, is that you're too young to be married, but that's just me. There are people who are capable of marriage around your age, but I just haven't met too many. I can only think of one person under the age of 25 who ever had a successful long-term marriage and that's my older half-brother. Most, though, just aren't ready. Haven't seen enough life. Haven't lived enough. Haven't f*cked up enough. That's just my take, though. What I would say to someone a little older in your situation is that it's your life and you have to accept that you live in a world of consequences. There are some people who say, screw everyone else and they have and they have gone through hell with their families, and they've actually come out of it fine. There are others who have gotten themselves in a inter or intra-family war and it has destroyed their relationships and left long-term scars that never completely heal. It's all about what you can live with. Think about the worst case scenario in terms of your family's reaction and ask yourself if you can live with it. Link to post Share on other sites
sadintexas Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 sadintexas - I'm not marrying to get out of my parents house. I could stay there until I was old and decaying. He moved so he could marry me and I'm leaving to start a life and soon a family with the one I love. You can't make assumptions that I'm not in love. Yes, I am in love with him been in love with him for years. The special part is that he IS my best friend. What matters is that I'm with him, to be a part of his family, and one day start a family with him. We have plenty of special moments just being together the way we have be. He and I are again "Old Fashioned" We've talked about marriage for more than a year. The engagement is short because we know what we want. We're going to have a wedding. He's extremely happy and I'm happy to be with him. Ah, okay. I wasn't trying to make assumptions. I misread your first post where you say you aren't rushing it, it sounds like you're saying you're not in love. A comma in the right place would have been helpful Gotcha now! Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted October 13, 2010 Share Posted October 13, 2010 You say that only your best friends know (3 people) and then you say you will have 12 witnesses, and that all your families really do know. If the latter is the actual case (a lot of people know), I advise that you and your fiance go ahead and talk to your father. Your fiance is taking on the responsibilities of a grown man, and he should talk to your father man to man, regardless of the discomfort or even fury that might result (unless your dad might shoot him or something). You, too are entering the realm of full womanhood and you should face your dad like a grown woman, in my opinion. If all those folks know what's up, your dad is going to find out. The fact that you left him in the dark is going to increase his anger and probably increase the difficulties you will have with him going forward. It does not sound as if you are willing to sever ties with your family, so do YOUR part to launch your marriage on a decent note where all of them are concerned. You can't control his feelings or reactions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little Kitten Posted October 19, 2010 Author Share Posted October 19, 2010 I did end up telling my dad about the engagement. In fact he performed the ceremony himself. O.o totally not what I expected out of him even though he can be rather thick-headed. We got married on Oct 13. My husband is thinking of relocating just for me so I can be closer to my mother. She was boohooing for a while but she's very happy. His mom is constantly calling me by my married name now lol...but...one thing is now...he's already talking about having a baby.... Now, I think that's rushing it...and he thought I moved fast...but we're going to sit and talk about having a baby before he ends up throwing my birth control pills out of the window. But it's good he's excited about it...but I want to make sure we're prepared for it though...even though him AND his mother have a solid plan on raising a baby....mind you this whole things runs on their side of the family "Marrying and having kids young." I want one but I just know I'm going to end up one of those careful mothers...lol. Things are going well...and the marriage spread like wildfire so...we're going to have a special dinner/family union/reunion so everyone can get to know their new In-Laws.... Link to post Share on other sites
BlackLovely Posted October 21, 2010 Share Posted October 21, 2010 I did end up telling my dad about the engagement. In fact he performed the ceremony himself. O.o totally not what I expected out of him even though he can be rather thick-headed. We got married on Oct 13. My husband is thinking of relocating just for me so I can be closer to my mother. She was boohooing for a while but she's very happy. His mom is constantly calling me by my married name now lol...but...one thing is now...he's already talking about having a baby.... Now, I think that's rushing it...and he thought I moved fast...but we're going to sit and talk about having a baby before he ends up throwing my birth control pills out of the window. But it's good he's excited about it...but I want to make sure we're prepared for it though...even though him AND his mother have a solid plan on raising ababy....mind you this whole things runs on their side of the family "Marrying and having kids young." I want one but I just know I'm going to end up one of those careful mothers...lol. Things are going well...and the marriage spread like wildfire so...we're going to have a special dinner/family union/reunion so everyone can get to know their new In-Laws.... I don't think that you are mature enough to be married. You seem to think that just because others married early, you should too. Also, if you are a woman, why do you need to live closer to your mother? Time to be independent and cut the apron strings! If you can be married, you can talk seriously about having children. Clearly, you are not ready for such an adult discussion or decision. He and his mother have a solid plan?? :laugh::D Whose baby will this be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Little Kitten Posted October 23, 2010 Author Share Posted October 23, 2010 Hey I didn't request to be put closer to my mom. I don't mind staying where we are now she's not in the best of health. I married because I was ready and he was ready...it's just how we were raised. I think you've gotten it a bit confused. It's the having kids early part I was talking about. I knew when I was ready. His mother is supportive is all...she's helping with extra little luxuries for the baby..while we take care of the necessities. When someone gets married or there's baby talk....pretty much everyone crowds around the campfire...that's how they are...really supportive family...I have one of his family members from Ohio coming up here just to meet me.... Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 Well Little Kitten, you seem to have married a little on the young side but hopefully you are mature enough to handle it's ups and downs. As for the baby talk you have to think about all the details some may not be mentioning. How will you guys afford it? Can you live off of you Hs income alone till the child is 5? If not then do you know that daycare runs about $1250/month...and pre-k when the child is 4 runs about $950/month unless you are so poor that you get the government to help. Or are any of the family members able to watch the baby to help with this? On that note it is best you stay near family that is in a position to be able to babysit often. I also don't think it is a responsible idea to plan a baby till you can not only afford this stuff but also the extra activities a child will want to participate in...like ballet, horseback riding, taekwondo, swimteam.... Its just not right to bring a child into the world then make them sit at home because you forgot to factor in all the expenses of all the things their friends are doing. This is why many people wait till late twenties or even 30 so they are into a real career that can pay for all of that. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted October 23, 2010 Share Posted October 23, 2010 I think I'm going to start a religion that promotes education rather than early marriage and babies. I'm glad the two or you and your families are happy about this marriage, but it seems off. Why so much focus on the marrying young and making babies with no concern for the education that will help a young couple afford building a new family? Link to post Share on other sites
eerie_reverie Posted October 24, 2010 Share Posted October 24, 2010 I hope to God you're a troll Link to post Share on other sites
lucylove Posted October 25, 2010 Share Posted October 25, 2010 My own opinion, if you want it, is that you're too young to be married, but that's just me. There are people who are capable of marriage around your age, but I just haven't met too many. I can only think of one person under the age of 25 who ever had a successful long-term marriage and that's my older half-brother. Most, though, just aren't ready. Haven't seen enough life. Haven't lived enough. Haven't f*cked up enough. That's just my take, though. i disagree strongly. i was married at 22 and now i'm 25. it hasn't been easy but we've worked through our struggles and we have an amazing marriage. i wouldn't trade it for the world and neither would he. Link to post Share on other sites
porter218 Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 i disagree strongly. i was married at 22 and now i'm 25. it hasn't been easy but we've worked through our struggles and we have an amazing marriage. i wouldn't trade it for the world and neither would he. I'm glad you're happy and wish you the best Lucy...but..umm..you're only talking about a mere 3 years of M here. Link to post Share on other sites
lucylove Posted October 26, 2010 Share Posted October 26, 2010 I'm glad you're happy and wish you the best Lucy...but..umm..you're only talking about a mere 3 years of M here. yes i realize that. all i am saying is that if a couple is capable of being happily married after 3 years at a young age, that at least shows a potential. i don't think 3 years of a successful and happy marriage is meaningless as far the overall strength of the couple is concerned. granted, the longer a marriage the more credit to the couple; but marriage isn't an easy cake walk during the first 3 years--marriage is a challenge no matter how you cut it. also, i've heard a lot of people say that the first year is the hardest. i think in a good marriage, people grow together and develop skills to work on their relationship over time, and with this in mind, it is possible that it gets easier as the years pass, rather than more difficult. not that it ever ceases to require work, just that the couple becomes more skilled at being married. at least this was true for my parents, and some other long married people i've known. Link to post Share on other sites
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