Forgive and wishing the ex well. Why?

[rattled]

I've been reading John Gray's Mars and Venus Starting Over and I started to read about forgiveness and letting go of resentment in order to move on.

 

Here's a passage from the book:

"When we feel resentful, our biggest challenge is to say good-bye with forgiveness and love. Although we have a right to feel resentful, our new challenge is to remember the love we once felt and then forgive our ex-partner for his mis- takes. By taking the time to grieve our loss fully, it is eventually possible to release all our resentments and to wish our partner well.

 

...when our hearts are open, we are able to recognize more clearly the right person for us. We are most attracted to and will attract partners who have a potential to fulfill us instead of disappointing us. The ability to pick the right person comes from an open heart. If our heart is closed to one person, then it cannot be fully open to another."

 

Is it me or does all this bs sound a little superficial? Why would I need to forgive someone and wish someone well who has opened up a world of hurt that I never felt existed. Why would I forgive someone who shattered my definition of trust? Why would I wish them well and condone their behavior? and this "when our hearts are open" business? That seems a little risky to me. If I learned anything on my own its that I should be more conservative and have someone EARN my trust again. I will "open my heart" if I feel that the person has earned the right to.

 

Perhaps I'm bitter but this sounds like a load of BS to me.

Edited October 5, 2010 by rattled

[PegNosePete]

Sounds like BS to me too.

[Gdunkman]

That's what I can't understand as well, rattled. Someone able to forgive and wish well to his dumper ex must be a perfect person.

 

I used to have feelings to my ex just after breakup, that's why I was desperate willing to contact her, now, as time goes by, and I remember all the s*** she did during summer I feel only anger and hate which slowly transforms to indifference.

 

I can't make myself feel something else.

[rattled]

That's what I can't understand as well, rattled. Someone able to forgive and wish well to his dumper ex must be a perfect person.

 

I used to have feelings to my ex just after breakup, that's why I was desperate willing to contact her, now, as time goes by, and I remember all the s*** she did during summer I feel only anger and hate which slowly transforms to indifference.

 

I can't make myself feel something else.

 

Indifference is what I hope to achieve to feel. NOT happiness for my ex. Why would it ever be okay for someone to lie, cheat, break trust, or crush someone at will?

 

As soon as I saw this I instantly dropped this book and stopped reading. And I can't see any other reading material based on this topic not saying the same thing. So for all the people that recommended reading how to heal books, please give me some insight or are you buying into this bs??

[Sonolumino]

"Hey ex whoever, thanks for breaking my heart and moving on so quickly without me in your life. I'm really happy and giddy about the whole ordeal and I definitely understand why you led me on for a time until you found something better. I'm also really happy that I'll never get to tell you I love you again, or how much you meant to me, or how you made me feel. Those are just great truths that I get to live with every day! Also, please go around and show all of us how great your rebound relationship is going! Oh and one more thing, could you go ahead and just spread a bunch of lies about me to all your friends and family? I mean nothing would make me happier than to see that happen. Gosh I'm just so happy for you doing all these things! :D"

 

That sound about right??

[leftfield]

If I learned anything on my own its that I should be more conservative and have someone EARN my trust again. I will "open my heart" if I feel that the person has earned the right to.

 

Perhaps I'm bitter but this sounds like a load of BS to me.

 

What you've said right there goes to show that you've received your own personal wisdom from the breakdown of your relationship, so I would just forget about the bullsh*t that's written in some of these books.

 

However! What I think the guy is trying to say is not that you forgive them literally, like going up to them or writing to them or whatever and saying "I forgive you and wish you well". I think he's saying that you need to let go of the resentment and ill-feeling for your own sake.

 

They can't feel your anger and resentment (unless you're stalking them and sending hate mail) and nor will they feel the benefit of your forgiveness - but you will. Carrying that pain and resentment from a breakup is just another nail that you allow your ex to put in your coffin. But it is one that you can take out if you try to. It's your anger, your resentment. You own it and so you carry it. Choosing to let it go is not giving ground to your ex, it's taking back your own ground. That's not to say it's easy, I'm sure it isn't, but I don't feel resentment, just a grieving loss.

 

Anyway, what the hell do I know