gaia Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Problem with bitchy mutual friend Would much appreciate any advice on how to tackle this situation. My best friend and I are very close, live fairly near each other and see each other a lot. We also have kids the same age who play together. We've known each other nearly 20 years. We have a mutual friend who was actually a friend of my friend's before I knew either of them. She used to be a really fun person, generous spirited, outgoing and got on with everyone. She's had her problems, principally not being able to form meaningful relationships with men and not having children, as well as some health worries. About 10 years ago she was treated for depression. Over the years she has become bitter, judgemental and intolerant. When she comes to visit she usually stays with me and normally I love to have visitors. The problem is that she continually makes snide remarks about my best friend. Initially, they were about things that I consider trivial, such as how she manages money and how much she cleans her house, but lately they have included things like her having had relationships with men she was in love with behind her back. I probably should have tackled this earlier but I kept trying to change the subject or put a positive slant on things. I have told my friend the things she's said and she is really hacked off with her. The trouble is, neither of us particularly wants a big confrontation and we don't really want to push her away as we feel she's been through a lot and we go back a long way. One other thing - this friend is COMPLETELY paranoid and interprets anything as an attack on her person. Any ideas on how to tackle this would be much appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 Murder is the only solution No seriously, I think rules of engagement are needed - no bitching about friends, for example. If she can't manage it that's sad but it's hard to see how the friendship can last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gaia Posted February 27, 2004 Author Share Posted February 27, 2004 I agree (with the 2nd option!) but it's how to achieve that end without activating her extreme paranoia. Maybe I am conflict avoidant. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted February 27, 2004 Share Posted February 27, 2004 If you can't say to her 'I would appreciate it if you no longer criticize (friend X) to me' without 'activating her paranoia', then she's got SERIOUS problems. Send her to a therapist and see her when she's done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gaia Posted February 28, 2004 Author Share Posted February 28, 2004 You're right, of course, but it will activate her extreme paranoia. As would suggesting a therapist. But I think I'll probably just do it anyway and take the risk. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 You have to confront this but be nice and respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author gaia Posted February 28, 2004 Author Share Posted February 28, 2004 Have just been discussing this with the friend (who is being bitched about) and we've come to the conclusion that things have obviously got worse than we thought with this girl. Because we are so involved we didn't notice because it was so insidious. As I was writing the original post, it struck me as sounding like quite a trivial thing objectively. The problem is that all her bitterness results from perceived slights and it is likely that she will perceive this the same way. It can't go on though. I will have to say something, but I will be extra nice and respectful! Thanks for all your advice Link to post Share on other sites
sami Posted February 28, 2004 Share Posted February 28, 2004 Thank you much for taking that into consideration. Hope it will work with you this time. Link to post Share on other sites
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