my guy's best buddy is driving a wedge between us

[sweetmind20]

i have a very wonderful guy. my problem is not with him but with his friend. i need to vent here. to be honest, i hate his best guy buddy. i am in no way jealous or controlling, but i can't stand the fact that my bf chooses to associate with someone like this. i realize that a gf/bf shouldn't come between you and your friends,and i know his friend was there long before i became a part of the picture. but this friend of his is really bothering me. he's a loser. and i can say that whole heartedly. he is a full blown alcoholic and pothead and he has no respect for women as anything other than a hole to stick it in. he doesn't have a job or a real education and he doesn't look like he'll ever go anywhere.

at one point i was this man's friend. in fact, i met my bf through him. but he has turned into a lowlife these past few years. he has nothing good to bring to my guy's life (except as an activity pal. i.e. sports, etc.) and my guy acts like a different person after he has been with him.

i just don't know what to do. i have voiced my concerns about his friend. but i don't know what else there is to do. i'm not about to have my guy resent me for making him break off his friendship. it's just that his friend's lack of morals and decency is also spilling into my own relationship. he is constantly trying to get my bf to "get laid" by other women. my bf says that is just the way his friend is and that he would never consider listening to him. still,it bothers me. my guy won't even tell his friend we're engaged. and when my guy wants to spend time with me and his friend wants to hang out, he lies and never tells him he's busy cuz he's with me. i love my bf so much. but i have just about had enough.

i would appreciate any opinions.

[dyermaker]

The reason you often concede in your post that you're not trying to be controlling, is because you have huge urges to control. The fact that he's a loser isn't enough for you to get him out of your boyfriend's life. What you can expect is that he treats you with respect, and that your boyfriend stands up for you and your dignity whenever presented with the chance.

[jenny]

agreed with above. you have no right to interfere or judge this man at all, and i suspect who is really bothering you is your boyfriend and his refusal to protect you.

 

i know how this feel, because my guy so much wants to get along with everyone that he rarely stands up for me against various sources, and it drives me mad. it's quite sexist of me, but i do like men who seek to protect, i just do.

 

what worked for me was to just be straightforward about feeling hurt and vulnerable. he had a cousin who grabbed my ass periodically - not really out of arousal, more of a weird tourette’s of the hand. now, i'm not in a position in this new family to go bananas, but my good natured chuckling about it was beginning to nauseate me.

 

so, i just told him: i would like you to defend me and be proud of our couplehood. i do not think random ass grabbing is innately evil, but i do not want it to happen to me, and in this situation i am vulnerable and i need you. he stopped it the next time it happened.

 

if i had gone ranting against this cousin, he would have gone on the defensive and possibly prepare a lecture of the historical incidents of ass grabbery and its benefits.

 

it's worth a shot, anyway. stop focusing on the cousin and focus on yourself and be clear, non-judgemental, and specific about what you want from him. do not seek to end this friendship. seek only to end your own discomfort, and locate the source of that discomfort more carefully.

 

the 'i' statement is always more successful that "he did this” or “he sucks”

[Dejin]

he would have gone on the defensive and possibly prepare a lecture of the historical incidents of ass grabbery and its benefits.

 

LOL! I like that. Good point. Very nicely stated, BTW.

[dyermaker]

Originally posted by Dejin

Very nicely stated, BTW.

Jenny's cool like that, it's good to have her back.

[sami]

Any person who is not good enough to draw boundries and protect them is not worthy of being thought of for a while. Dump him if he is not showing any interest in protecting you.

[sweetmind20]

hello all who took the time to offer their opinions.. i do appreciate it

 

you are right; i do not feel protected by my bf when it comes to this. but there is a flip side to it. my dislike for this person in my bf's life is not only because of the reasons i already mentioned, but because this man is eerily similar to my guy's own father. my bf's dad had these same qualities and brought a lot of hell to his life. i guess i just feel utterly frustrated that my bf is not standing up for himself and associating with someone like this.. a someone who is not good for him or for me. i feel like he is not willing to move forward from his past and i'm paying for it, too.

 

thanks again..

 

*sweet*

[sami]

If the guy you are talking about resembles your bf's father then forget about it. There is no way your bf will stand for you against him.

[Arabess]

Flirt with his friend. Start telling you boyfriend what a great guy you think his friend is. Invite him to go out with you guys all the time.

 

Then, you will not have to remove his friend from your lives. He will do it.

 

Jealousy overrides the lack of original spine.

[sami]

I don't agree to setting friends against each other. It is unacceptable by all standards.