parnter left his ex for me a year ago, and has now left me and went back to her

[Tiffany199013]

Hey every one, Just need some words of wisdom, support, and advice.

 

My partner of just over a year (I know, not that long, but long and serious to me) broke up with me on the 15th September. He said just let him sort out custody issues with his daughter and then we will talk about getting back together. That he still loved me, he just couldn't handle the responsibility of a relationship with all that was going on with his daughter.

 

Background of our relationship- He left his partner for me last year. Weren't married but they were partners for a long time. It started from an affair, and I know that was wrong, and sometimes I do regret it, but we were both seeking something that we didn't have. Yes some may say I deserve it as I did it to her, but I sometimes think that myself. He said he had felt that he had no relationship with her for years, they were just good friends, that he didn't think he ever loved her and she will never be more than a good friend and he knows that as the ultimate truth as he tried for years to make her more until he couldn't anymore and he came and found me. That he wished for years that he would find someone who loved him and who he loved, and then he thought he would just be able to leave, he found it, it wasn't easy to leave, but he did it. Wished for years that he could leave that relationship, but didn't feel he could due to fear, stability, daughter when she came along.

 

His daughter remained with her mother, and my ex had regular contact and overnight stays with her (daughter came and stayed at ex's mums place with ex). About 3 months after their breakup, His ex, went to Scotland for a 2 month holiday so she would have the support of her family through this. She decided after the 2 months was up that she wasn't coming back, So my ex started legal proceedings to make her come back with the child. When she went for the holiday, he started drinking more (he's an alcoholic) and going out more to play music as a distraction. As time wore on and she said she wasn't come back, it got worse again, He was out a lot, and didn't come home when he said he was going to, So I became clingy and needy as I felt I wasn't getting enough attention I suppose. I tried to be supportive, but I wasn't going to change who I was to support him going out and getting drunk and coming in at any hour he wanted too. We fought more as he wanted to go out more, I kept asking when he would be back, we weren't getting sleep because of stress for different reasons, but I still loved him.

 

She got back either the end of august or beginning of September, can't remember when.

My ex went to see his daughter, and then had her overnight a few days later. This was just before the breakup, when we were having a small break (still together, him just staying elsewhere most nights, and staying with me once or sometimes twice a week).

 

So on the day the break was meant to end Wednesday 15th September, we met up and he said he can't handle the responsibility of a relationship and needing to put time into me, when he needed time and his head clear to get custody arrangements with his daughter sorted (told me he wanted shared care, but later, when I asked if he had started mediation or looking into it and court, he told me that he didn't want to take his ex to court yet as he didn't want to rock the boat and maybe have her say he cant see his daughter until mediation etc.

 

Even after the breakup, he still came over a few times, and yes we slept together, but we also had fun, he kept letting me believe that yes in a few weeks after the breakup we would talk about getting back together and going on dates and things. Then we didn't see each other for a week, but occasionally talked through text. He came over Monday the 27th to talk and to pick up his house mates bar fridge and his own whipper sniper as he said he needed to do the yard at the place he was staying. But said I could maybe get them back in a week or 2. We joked, we laughed, he played blocks with my daughter, didn't get a chance talk as he didn't realize the time after putting things in his car and playing with my daughter and he had to get to his mums for tea, but he might come over later to talk. Got a text later that night saying he won't be over but we will talk after Tuesday (the next day) I left him alone for 3 days and texted on Friday asking if he could come over and have that talk. He said he's working at the moment but will text me after 5, about 3pm I got a text saying 'sorry to do this again, but can we make this tomorrow as I have daughter again tonight' I said OK.

 

That night I got a call from his phone about 9pm, but it wasn't him. It was his ex, saying that her, daughter and my ex are moving to Scotland in a few weeks. She rang to see how I was as shes a mental health professional (which while she is, is crap that she wanted to see how I was). She said that ex doesn't want to talk to me, can't stand the sight of me, never loved me and loves her. And that she is staying with him for the week.

 

Couldn't understand a lot of what she was saying because of her accent, but there was name calling and things in there. I asked if my ex knew she was calling and she said of course he does.

 

So I am hurt, angry, and devastated that he didn't have the balls to tell me himself, that he got her to tell me, although he knew how much that would hurt me. I think thats what hurts a lot as well, is that I feel he didn't care enough about me to tell me himself, despite him saying a week earlier that he still loved me.

 

He sent me an email Saturday night (didn't come over to talk like he said he would) saying that he's not coming over and he will say what he has to in the email. He said he know it's been hard for me, it's been hard for him too, He's not the man I feel in love with, and to be honest I'm not the woman he fell in love with. That if we continued as friends he believes I would constantly try and get him back. Please don't make this any harder for either of us. Please don't call him or contact him in any way. He will not respond. Please do not drive past his house constantly or his parents. He will say hello to me on the street but He will not engage in conversation.

 

That he and his ex have talked and decided to try again. He said he knows I have many responses for that but this will be his final email to me. He will not read any response from me about this. He's sorry He couldn't write this sooner but he has been spending time with daughter and he values every moment.

 

He broke the promise to me and to himself that he will NEVER EVER go back to her regardless of what happened between me and him,

He broke the promise that we would always be friends regardless what happened between me and him,

He broke the promise of always being in my daughters life regardless of what happened between me and him.

 

My daughter is 3, she sometimes calls him daddy sometimes his name and keeps asking for him, or bringing up his name. I'm not going to tell her off for it, but its hard to keep hearing his name. And I've seen them around town a few times which is just a stab and twist of the knife again.

 

He put work into the house I'm at (i rent from my folks) so I see things that we've done together both inside and out, carpets, wood flooring, gardens, pergola area, the air hockey game and pool table we bought to play. And it brings it back, I can't escape it. I've been spending the last couple of days at my folks place during the day, keeping distracted and seeing my mum helps. But coming home at night, is hard.

 

We were engaged at one point, started talking about plans for the wedding, talked about kids, were going to start trying when his daughter was back from overseas.

 

I keep telling myself that I deserve better then that. That I didn't deserve to get strung along, and I DID NOT deserve to have her ring and tell me. But it's still hard. It still hurts. I still cry, I still love him, and thought of not having him in my life, despite what he has done is so so painful. I always believed that we would remain friends even if we broke up, now we have no contact at all. and I know I will hurt and still love him for awhile, Add to this that I also have a social phobia makes it hard as he was helping me though this.

 

I am choosing to believe he did love me. maybe still does. But I'm choosing to believe that he is going back to try and give his daughter a two parent family which is what he wanted. Not sure what to think about him not telling me and getting her too, just that he's a coward and if I remind myself that I'm angry at him for what he did, sometimes that helps. I don't know why he went back to her so soon after we broke up, I know he felt guilty about what he did, and about making her come back when she has no family here, and the only reason she came here in the first place was for him. So maybe thats whats driving him, that and being a 2 parent home for his daughter. But he's the man I wanted to spend my life with, and I thought I was that to him too. But despite what he said, his action of going back to her, for whatever reason, whether it be his daughter, or whether he just wants to try again and what he told me at the start was lies, the fact is, he wanted that more..

 

 

I rang him yesterday (monday) morning and left a voicemail message 'saying you owe me money still, are you going to pay it or are you going to be like gary (another ex of mine, bad ex, bad stuff).. That all i ever wanted was for you to be happy and that if you have found that with them, then i accept that, but i am hurt that she rang me and you didn't have the balls to tell me, and i never thought you were a coward but apparently i was wrong'. He sent a text a few hours later, saying ' I'm sorry. She called you at her own insistence. I never asked her to call, and i told her not to. Then went on about the money, he will pay when he gets paid by clients, then said that he's sorry he treated me so badly that i have to compare him to gary'.

 

I sent a long one back saying along the lines of.. I just don't understand. All i ever wanted was for you to be happy. You said you couldn't be with her. You said you could never allow yourself to go back. You promised yourself. One email had at least 10 statements about why you could never go back regardless of what happened between me and you. You promised yourself. Last week you said you still loved me, i can't see how you can go from loving me, to nothing. You once said if i ever slept with someone withing a few weeks of us breaking up, you would have to question whether i ever loved you, and now you do this. I don't know what to think anymore. I think what hurts the most is you didn't have the guts to tell me yourself, you let her, you may have said don't, but she used your phone. If you want to be with her, then i accept that. I won't try and get you back. But i also don't want us to stop talking, you're my best friend. Are you really moving to scotland? Why did you get back with her after feeling the way you did for years? After wishing you would leave? How did you stop loving me so quickly? All i wanted was for you to come over and explain it to me like a man, show me that you did care about my feelings. I won't try and get you back if you would rather be with her, but i hope one day we can be friends. And that you will one day talk to me so i can try and understated. You treated me badly, and hurt me a lot, and made me question how long you lied to me for, but i don't compare you with Gary, Would he meet and talk if i promise not to try and get him back. You want me to move on, but it's hard when i don't know why your doing it. *F* said on the phone when she rang that you never loved me, you love her, and can't stand the sight of me, is that true, did you say that? Be honest, thats the least you can do after leading me on for the last few weeks and letting her call, instead of telling me yourself. I did not deserve that.

 

 

I'm choosing to believe that he loved me, after all he went through a whole pile of **** to be with me, and there's no way someone would do that if they didn't love you. I'm choosing to believe its to try and give his daughter a second chance at a 2 parent family. But i do not believe he will stay faithful to her, neither did he (about 6 months ago) and neither did our councilor when we went. I believe he did love me, and i believe that he didn't have a relationship with her and that he did want to leave her, otherwise he would have just continued the affair and not left her for me. I know the guilt of everything, and the loss of seeing his daughter for months has driven him insane, and i know it has affected his mental health. so it makes sense he would go back and try again for her sake, even if he really didn't want to.

I still hope we get a chance to talk, and i can hear it from him, but i doubt I'll get the chance. And i dunno if he will leave and go to Scotland, but if he does thats going to be one of his biggest mistakes coz if he changes his mind, he will have no grounds to bring his daughter back as her habitual residence will change, same as if they have another baby and it is born there.

 

I am 20, he's 33 and shes 36.

 

Despite everything thats happened, if he came saying he made a mistake going back to her, and its really over, i would probably try again. Just slowly. But i doubt it will, and I'm not keeping up home anymore. He left her once, and that was so hard for him, i doubt he would be able to do it again.

 

I lost the one i love and want to spend my life with, I lost my best friend, My daughter lost who she saw as daddy, and i lost his little girl that i loved.

I think my ego is hurt to, because he did so much to get out if that relationship, wished for years he could leave, and then did, but then went back a couple of weeks after we broke up. Leaves me wondering if the reason for the breakup was so he could try again, not what he told me..

[durkadurka]

I am just going to say that it sounds like he took advantage of a young and impressionable person.

 

Hate to be the bearer of bad news.

[Tiffany199013]

But why would he go through breaking up with her, losing out on seeing his daughter for months, if he was just taking advantage of me, He could have stayed with her and continued the affair, and still lived with her and his daughter. But he didn't, he wanted to be with me.

[durkadurka]

But why would he go through breaking up with her, losing out on seeing his daughter for months, if he was just taking advantage of me, He could have stayed with her and continued the affair, and still lived with her and his daughter. But he didn't, he wanted to be with me.

 

What I mean is that he needed a break from his ex, it could have been you, or anyone else.

 

He projected his need to be alone and wanted to do it with someone else.

 

Most people don't break off a relationship to be alone, they will only do it if they have someone waiting for them.

 

Kinda shows their true character doesn't it?

[Shadowburn]

Sorry this has happened to you.

 

Please stop trying to contact him because it doesn't matter why he did what he did, what does matter is that he is where he wants to be - with his ex and their daughter - and you should respect that and stop desperately seeking him out and trying to get answers to your questions.

 

There are no answers. He didn't have balls to face you and let her end it with you in nasty way because he is a coward. I hate to make generalizations like that, but having affairs is a cowardly way out.

 

So lets see...he is an alcoholic. He treated you badly - first he had an affair with you, then he left you and broke your heart. He used you and even borrowed money from you. Why do you want him as a friend? What kind of a friend would do things like that?

 

You need to stop contacting him and start working on your own issues, and low self-esteem is one of them. You have history of bad relationship already with that Gary guy, and you're only 20. You have a daughter - so please be careful what kind of men are around you and her.

 

Take care and good luck. Leave him alone, he is a total loser.