fortune telling?

[mary]

Hi-

 

This forum is interesting! Reading the previous posts has made me feel better about my own situation. Actually, it has made me realize that my situation is really not as drastic as it seems. But still, I would like to put it all down in words. I recently broke up with my first serious boyfriend of eight months. He just graduated from college (I'm going to be a junior in college) and started full-time work. Out of the whole eight months, the last couple had been quite tough on both of us. Even though there were still moments of happiness, there was also alot of crying and possessiveness. Mostly on my part now that I think back to it. Basically, I grew to be too dependent on him. He became my whole life, and I no longer had a life of my own. I had cut off contact with my friends and ceased to make new ones on campus (I go to an all-women's college). Without meaning to, I became a burden to him, instead of a blessing. I depended on him so much to the extent that whenever he turns away and wants 'space', I would take it personally and cry. This happened almost every weekend in the last couple of months of our relationship. I knew all the while that something was seriously wrong with the relationship, but I choose to ignore the problem because I didn't want to face reality. I thought if we were in love, things will work themselves out.

 

Its been a month since we broke up. He was the one who wanted the relationship to end. I'm alot calmer about it now than before, but it still hurts so much inside. At least I'm eating and sleeping right, even working out now. I just keep thinking that if we could start all over again, I would be able to make the relationship work. Now that I've learned my lesson, it just doesn't seem fair that I won't get the chance to apply what I've learned to the relationship, u know what I mean? Why learn the lesson at all if it can't change anything? I miss him so much... but he doesn't want to keep in touch. Right now I'm at home for the summer. I'll be going back to school end of August and I'll need to call him up then to get my stuff. I've stored all my stuff at his place. I'm so scared to go back though. Not scared of him, but more scared about my feelings and how I will react when I see him again. We broke up right before I left for home and I've emailed him once since then. He never wrote back. I don't know what to do. Though I hate to admit it, I've begged him not to break up.... (he had first suggested a "time-out"). I've cried and cried and told him how much I will change to make the relationship work. That just got him more pissed off and annoyed. But I couldn't help myself... out of a last attempt to save the relationship, I had done what I never thought I would, BEG. In this past month that I've been at home, I have been able to see things alot more clearly. I have come to realize both the good and the bad in the relationship. I've realized that it takes more than love for a relationship to last. We were so much in love in the beginning. Only seeing each other on the weekends was like torture for both of us. We couldn't get enough of each other. But things changed... and the love wasn't enough.

 

I still love him though. Despite all the painful things that he's said, I still want him back in my life. Even though I know now that I will never marry him cause it just wouldn't work out, I still want to be with him here and now. Is that so bad? Everyone tells me that its not worth it. In my head I know... in my head I know that I deserve more than what he is willing to give me. Yes, a big reason why we broke up is also because he has no time for me now. He is going to work about 60 hours a week now... sometimes even on the weekends... that the most he can give me is a couple of hours a week. He said that he doesn't even want to call me at nights. I know either way, I won't be happy. I am not happy without him, but I won't be happy if I stay with him either.

 

Maybe my expectations are too great. Is that it? Cause during our relationship, I expected basically all his attention. When I didn't have it, I would cry. That's why I am always disappointed. Every weekend. In truth, I don't blame him for wanting out. I must have been a hard person to deal with 24/7. I was too selfish maybe? So many lesson to be learned from this experience, I just wish I could turn back time now and make everything good again.

 

Part of me can't get over the fact that he doesn't care for me anymore.... not when I had place so much trust and faith in his feelings for me. And my feelings for him. I know I will always love him, for what we've shared, all the good memories. I'm still not willing to let go. To give up. How can I move on when I miss him so much? When the thought of going out with another guy doesn't interest me at all? Maybe its cause he was my first boyfriend... maybe that's why its so hard. I don't know. All I know is that I can't imagine why another guys would like me... would wanna be in a relationship with me later on. I make such a terrible girlfriend!!! I am too possessive, too dependent, too demanding..... etc.... that I drove him away. People tell me to stop blaming myself... that we were just not compatiable. But it had felt so right! This is so frustrating.

 

At this point, I don't know how to proceed with him. I mean, I really want to at least keep the friendship. He said that he wants to be friends too... but I don't know. I'm scared to face him cause I have a feeling that I just might break down and cry like I always have. I'm such a cry-baby. He hates it when I cry. It drives him nuts. I have to be strong when I see him, but I am not sure if I got what it takes to be strong. I'll most likely end up begging again and I really don't wanna do that. But I do want to have a second chance with him. Do you think that's possible?

 

Thanks, sorry if this message was confusing. I am pretty confused here. Any advice will help.

 

I hope everyone's doing well....

 

mary

[Tony T]

I is possible to have a second chance with him in the distant future, but not the way you're going at it. There is NOTHING in the world less sexy than someone begging to have somebody back. I mean this is the WORST thing you could EVER do. If you wanted to break up with a man, what kind of respect would you have for him if he kept BEGGING for you not to break up.

 

Your demands and possessiveness drove him away, far away. The purpose of dating and relationships, in part, is to learn. He feels that you are needy and possessive and that the likelihood you have made permanent changes at this time are very slim. He's right. Over a period of time, his fondness for you diminished because of your demands on his time and unwillingness to give him space. This showed a neediness and insecurity he didn't want to deal with on a permanent basis.

 

You must learn that real love gives space, is not needy, not demanding, etc. He did not feel loved by you...he felt more of a neediness of your part that was very remote from the kind of satisfying love most people seek. That is what you are still showing him by begging, Emailing, sending him messages through friends, etc. STOP DOING ALL OF THAT...NOW AND FOREVER!!!

 

What's really got him totally pissed is that he told you repeatedly of the problem during the relationship and only now, after a break-up, are you suddenly willing to make the behavior changes that would extend the life of the two of you as a couple. You must learn here that people really get irritated when someone finally concedes to making changes when it's way too late.

 

I think over time he will see the changes you have made, if you are willing to do so. However, you should take this time to make a complete inventory of your personality and find out why you crave such incredible attention and why you demand so much from a relationship. No man in the world wants to be smothered so. It is just not comfortable. No man wants the burden of having to be there every minute for a woman. Even with love present, there is a need for apartness. You MUST learn this.

 

I feel your ex knows you have a lot of work to do on yourself and it's not likely he will reconsider until you have shown him you realize this problem and are doing something about it...not only for him but for any other man or person who may come into your life in the future.

 

Your only hope for getting this guy back is to get some professional help to gain self esteem, confidence, to reduce your neediness for someone to always be around, to reduce your demands, and to learn and practice how a healthy relationship is conducted.

 

I don't think you should see him to get your stuff if you think you're going to break down and cry. It will be a sign of strength if you send someone in your place to get your things, as much as you may want to see him. If you break down and beg for him back even more at that time, he will become nauseated, sick and resent you more. But if you send someone in your place, it will be a sign to him that you have gained a renewed strength and you aren't so needy. It will get him thinking.

 

The changes you need to make will not be easy. You have to understand that while love feels great, it is a tough business. You just can't act like a lovesick pup around your lover. The spark that keeps love alive is unpredictabiltiy, uncertainty, and element of challenge, an aloofness. It is extremely difficult for a man to maintain interest in someone that insists on being his shadow and insists on all of his time. Not only is it not sexy and attractive, it is an annoyance of the worst kind. Don't take my word for it. Ask your friends, male and female, how they feel about this...and make sure you tell them to be perfectly honest. After all, they know this situation and may not want to hurt your feelings. But right now you need honesty...and at least you're going to get it from me.

 

Keep your chin up. You will be OK. I've done lots worse and that's why I'm able to lay all this down for you in 3-D. I want you to get better about this love business so you can win. But you will win ONLY if you make true changes.

 

Try to find out why you are the way you are...and do what you have to do to change. There may be some very significant reason for your insecurity and neediness, perhaps stemming from childhood experiences. Think back hard and see what that might have been. It is not natural to behave as you have done. And make those changes for YOU, not anybody else. You will love yourself so much more when you know you can exist happily without a guy around 24/7.

 

Please forgive me for being so blunt here. I do it out of love. You really need to know what I have tried to say...and I hope you will read it a few times, no matter how painful it is (if, in fact, you got this far).

 

I hope and pray that others will give you their comments as well.

[devon]

well, that is quite a atory. sounds like one i could write a million times over in my life. i can almost feel your pain too. i am the same way tho, what i did i found a guy who cared about me dispite my jealousy, insecurity, lack of trust, possessiveness, etc. the whole shabang. well i had to go to counseling for my problems and he new i was trying and he decided to work with me and help me too. it has been very beneficial to to go counseling and he has helped me through so much. there were many backslides and times when just giving into my problems seemed so much easier then trying to "deal" with them. i would suggest to let him go tho. it sounds like he don't have time or patience for anyone maybe cause of his long work hours. i would try to counseling first before getting involved with anyone. it is so easy to think you have it "licked" when your not in a relationship but now soon it all comes back and you find that you haven't really changed that you are still you. until you can really work on it in your mind and analyze your thinking it is so hard to change the way we are. hang in there tho. move on and work on yourself, then try with someone later when you are more then ready. it is a long road, but well worth it. read some books too on self-esteem and co-dependency. good luck.......devon

 

Hi-

This forum is interesting! Reading the previous posts has made me feel better about my own situation. Actually, it has made me realize that my situation is really not as drastic as it seems. But still, I would like to put it all down in words. I recently broke up with my first serious boyfriend of eight months. He just graduated from college (I'm going to be a junior in college) and started full-time work. Out of the whole eight months, the last couple had been quite tough on both of us. Even though there were still moments of happiness, there was also alot of crying and possessiveness. Mostly on my part now that I think back to it. Basically, I grew to be too dependent on him. He became my whole life, and I no longer had a life of my own. I had cut off contact with my friends and ceased to make new ones on campus (I go to an all-women's college). Without meaning to, I became a burden to him, instead of a blessing. I depended on him so much to the extent that whenever he turns away and wants 'space', I would take it personally and cry. This happened almost every weekend in the last couple of months of our relationship. I knew all the while that something was seriously wrong with the relationship, but I choose to ignore the problem because I didn't want to face reality. I thought if we were in love, things will work themselves out. Its been a month since we broke up. He was the one who wanted the relationship to end. I'm alot calmer about it now than before, but it still hurts so much inside. At least I'm eating and sleeping right, even working out now. I just keep thinking that if we could start all over again, I would be able to make the relationship work. Now that I've learned my lesson, it just doesn't seem fair that I won't get the chance to apply what I've learned to the relationship, u know what I mean? Why learn the lesson at all if it can't change anything? I miss him so much... but he doesn't want to keep in touch. Right now I'm at home for the summer. I'll be going back to school end of August and I'll need to call him up then to get my stuff. I've stored all my stuff at his place. I'm so scared to go back though. Not scared of him, but more scared about my feelings and how I will react when I see him again. We broke up right before I left for home and I've emailed him once since then. He never wrote back. I don't know what to do. Though I hate to admit it, I've begged him not to break up.... (he had first suggested a "time-out"). I've cried and cried and told him how much I will change to make the relationship work. That just got him more pissed off and annoyed. But I couldn't help myself... out of a last attempt to save the relationship, I had done what I never thought I would, BEG. In this past month that I've been at home, I have been able to see things alot more clearly. I have come to realize both the good and the bad in the relationship. I've realized that it takes more than love for a relationship to last. We were so much in love in the beginning. Only seeing each other on the weekends was like torture for both of us. We couldn't get enough of each other. But things changed... and the love wasn't enough.

 

I still love him though. Despite all the painful things that he's said, I still want him back in my life. Even though I know now that I will never marry him cause it just wouldn't work out, I still want to be with him here and now. Is that so bad? Everyone tells me that its not worth it. In my head I know... in my head I know that I deserve more than what he is willing to give me. Yes, a big reason why we broke up is also because he has no time for me now. He is going to work about 60 hours a week now... sometimes even on the weekends... that the most he can give me is a couple of hours a week. He said that he doesn't even want to call me at nights. I know either way, I won't be happy. I am not happy without him, but I won't be happy if I stay with him either.

 

Maybe my expectations are too great. Is that it? Cause during our relationship, I expected basically all his attention. When I didn't have it, I would cry. That's why I am always disappointed. Every weekend. In truth, I don't blame him for wanting out. I must have been a hard person to deal with 24/7. I was too selfish maybe? So many lesson to be learned from this experience, I just wish I could turn back time now and make everything good again. Part of me can't get over the fact that he doesn't care for me anymore.... not when I had place so much trust and faith in his feelings for me. And my feelings for him. I know I will always love him, for what we've shared, all the good memories. I'm still not willing to let go. To give up. How can I move on when I miss him so much? When the thought of going out with another guy doesn't interest me at all? Maybe its cause he was my first boyfriend... maybe that's why its so hard. I don't know. All I know is that I can't imagine why another guys would like me... would wanna be in a relationship with me later on. I make such a terrible girlfriend!!! I am too possessive, too dependent, too demanding..... etc.... that I drove him away. People tell me to stop blaming myself... that we were just not compatiable. But it had felt so right! This is so frustrating. At this point, I don't know how to proceed with him. I mean, I really want to at least keep the friendship. He said that he wants to be friends too... but I don't know. I'm scared to face him cause I have a feeling that I just might break down and cry like I always have. I'm such a cry-baby. He hates it when I cry. It drives him nuts. I have to be strong when I see him, but I am not sure if I got what it takes to be strong. I'll most likely end up begging again and I really don't wanna do that. But I do want to have a second chance with him. Do you think that's possible?

 

Thanks, sorry if this message was confusing. I am pretty confused here. Any advice will help. I hope everyone's doing well.... mary

[mary]

wow. thanks for your lengthy, thoughtful reply, tony. though it was somewhat harsh, i think it was exactly what i needed to hear, especially from a guy's point of view. thanks. i never thought that i would be like this in a relationship u know. even now, your description of me sounds so foreign.... who me? smothering a guy? who me? a lovesick puppy? i've never considered myself to be/do such. i think this relationship has made me weak. either that or it had made my weaknesses more obvious. brought them out to the surface. i know that i've always been kinda insecure. guess i'm just not a very confident person. have always been kinda shy and quiet. but i never thought it would make me so clingy. i've never had problems with friends.... and i can't think of anything in my childhood that could have brought on this.

 

at this point, i don't know if i want to get back with him. a part of me does, but another part of me is getting really sick of the person i am when i'm with him. only with him am i so sensitive. only with him am i so damn possessive. no one else. is that a sign of LOVE? or just weakness? maybe obbession? its so frustrating to deal with myself sometimes. i've cried so much that most of the time i don't even know why i'm crying! perfessional help. haha... maybe i'll go see the college counselor when i get back to school. my roommate went before and she found them helpful.

 

i think i just need to learn to control my emotions. honestly, i don't think i'm as bad as you think i am, tony. my first message may have came off too hard. yeah, i was really really pathetic near the end. that's true. i was totally not thinking straight then. but during the relationship... i don't think it was too much to ask that my bf pay me some attention when i'm over at his place for the weekend... right? i mean, that's all i ever see him anyways. i would be at his place... sleeping next to him... and the first thing he does when we wake up in the morning is turn on the TV!!! i don't know... i guess i wanted him to turn to me instead... hug me or something. is that too much to ask? and i would always wanna go out but he always just wants to stay in and watch the game. i really need to change the way i react to anger and disappointment though. instead of crying, i should have talked to him... told him how i feel. need to work on my communication skills.

 

u must think i'm really pathetic.... hehe.... what a bad first impression. but i really appreciate what you've wrote. its like reading what my ex would have wrote if he was being honest. helps put things into perspective for me. yes, i've gotta change many many things about me. i've learned so much about myself through this that in the long run, i really think this break up is the best thing that can happen. at least he's not my husband, right? so i've got this relationship to screw up in and learn, so that i don't end up screwing up my marriage.

 

i'll do whatever i can to follow ur advice, tony. search long and hard to find security within myself... hopefully i'll come outta this a stronger person. its gonna take time though, dunno if i have the patience. i guess missing him and loving him still is only natural, right? sighhh...

 

thanks again for your reply... i hope all's going well with you.

 

mary

[mary]

thanks for your reply devon... its comforting to know that i'm not alone on this one. i'm so glad that you've found a guy who loves u despite your weaknesses. that's when u know its true love. yep, i'll try to take the time out for self-realization.... this experience has proved that i don't really know myself at all!! thanks again!

 

mary

[Tony T]

I think it is wrong to demand anything in a relationship. If the person you're with doesn't reasonably respond to you in a way that makes you feel loved, desired, wanted, etc., talking to him and asking that he do so is way out of line. Those things should come natural.

 

If a guy doesn't give you what you need and want out of a relationship, go find a guy who will. If I had a penny for every women who wanted to mold a man into what SHE wanted, I would be a multi-millionaire.

 

After reading your latest post above, I suspect your feelings for this dude were somewhat stronger than those you've had for guys in the past. But no matter how much you love a guy, showing possessiveness, neediness, not giving space, etc. are things that will distance most any lover you discover...unless he is super insecure himself.

 

You sound like you have your head on your shoulders really well. Isn't it incredible how being in love or in deep like can just bust our brains all to hell???

[Ray]

Mary, I'm no Tony but wanted to give you a guys perspective. I just recently ended a 1 yr realtionship with a woman that was very much like your post. She was very possesive, jealous, selfish person. We live an hour away and I was always the one that drove to see her even though I had 2 kids from a previous marriage and she never was married so she had less to leave each time. She wanted me 2 put her before my kids at all times and when this didn't happen she made me feel so guilty for not being with her...heck when we were with the kids she made me feel guilty. Our weekends were great but as soon as I left she changed personalities and complained about me not being there. She was actually unemployed for 7 months so she could have been here all the time if she wanted. Her jealousy was so bad she wanted 2 know everytime I spoke w/my ex and what we discussed knowing that we had kids we had to talk. I made a committment to her and was divorced what was there to be jealous of. The constant insecurity drove me nuts that it had to end and let me tell you I LOVE HER SO MUCH but it couldn't work and would have only gotten worse if we married. Also this woman was a super model type every where we went guys heads spinned shoot for that matter women would take a second look. Why would someone so beautiful be insecure???? Like Tony said it had to be something in her childhood...you need to seek counseling and get to the bottom of it or you will continue to repeat your actions. Don't look at counseling as something bad...we all can use it...we actually do it all the time by talking to friends, family, clergy, etc so why not talk with a professional. Believe me speaking from experience NO man will ever want to be with someone if they are possesive...everyone needs space and downtime!!!! Good luck and God Bless :-)

Hi- This forum is interesting! Reading the previous posts has made me feel better about my own situation. Actually, it has made me realize that my situation is really not as drastic as it seems. But still, I would like to put it all down in words. I recently broke up with my first serious boyfriend of eight months. He just graduated from college (I'm going to be a junior in college) and started full-time work. Out of the whole eight months, the last couple had been quite tough on both of us. Even though there were still moments of happiness, there was also alot of crying and possessiveness. Mostly on my part now that I think back to it. Basically, I grew to be too dependent on him. He became my whole life, and I no longer had a life of my own. I had cut off contact with my friends and ceased to make new ones on campus (I go to an all-women's college). Without meaning to, I became a burden to him, instead of a blessing. I depended on him so much to the extent that whenever he turns away and wants 'space', I would take it personally and cry. This happened almost every weekend in the last couple of months of our relationship. I knew all the while that something was seriously wrong with the relationship, but I choose to ignore the problem because I didn't want to face reality. I thought if we were in love, things will work themselves out. Its been a month since we broke up. He was the one who wanted the relationship to end. I'm alot calmer about it now than before, but it still hurts so much inside. At least I'm eating and sleeping right, even working out now. I just keep thinking that if we could start all over again, I would be able to make the relationship work. Now that I've learned my lesson, it just doesn't seem fair that I won't get the chance to apply what I've learned to the relationship, u know what I mean? Why learn the lesson at all if it can't change anything? I miss him so much... but he doesn't want to keep in touch. Right now I'm at home for the summer. I'll be going back to school end of August and I'll need to call him up then to get my stuff. I've stored all my stuff at his place. I'm so scared to go back though. Not scared of him, but more scared about my feelings and how I will react when I see him again. We broke up right before I left for home and I've emailed him once since then. He never wrote back. I don't know what to do. Though I hate to admit it, I've begged him not to break up.... (he had first suggested a "time-out"). I've cried and cried and told him how much I will change to make the relationship work. That just got him more pissed off and annoyed. But I couldn't help myself... out of a last attempt to save the relationship, I had done what I never thought I would, BEG. In this past month that I've been at home, I have been able to see things alot more clearly. I have come to realize both the good and the bad in the relationship. I've realized that it takes more than love for a relationship to last. We were so much in love in the beginning. Only seeing each other on the weekends was like torture for both of us. We couldn't get enough of each other. But things changed... and the love wasn't enough.

 

I still love him though. Despite all the painful things that he's said, I still want him back in my life. Even though I know now that I will never marry him cause it just wouldn't work out, I still want to be with him here and now. Is that so bad? Everyone tells me that its not worth it. In my head I know... in my head I know that I deserve more than what he is willing to give me. Yes, a big reason why we broke up is also because he has no time for me now. He is going to work about 60 hours a week now... sometimes even on the weekends... that the most he can give me is a couple of hours a week. He said that he doesn't even want to call me at nights. I know either way, I won't be happy. I am not happy without him, but I won't be happy if I stay with him either.

 

Maybe my expectations are too great. Is that it? Cause during our relationship, I expected basically all his attention. When I didn't have it, I would cry. That's why I am always disappointed. Every weekend. In truth, I don't blame him for wanting out. I must have been a hard person to deal with 24/7. I was too selfish maybe? So many lesson to be learned from this experience, I just wish I could turn back time now and make everything good again. Part of me can't get over the fact that he doesn't care for me anymore.... not when I had place so much trust and faith in his feelings for me. And my feelings for him. I know I will always love him, for what we've shared, all the good memories. I'm still not willing to let go. To give up. How can I move on when I miss him so much? When the thought of going out with another guy doesn't interest me at all? Maybe its cause he was my first boyfriend... maybe that's why its so hard. I don't know. All I know is that I can't imagine why another guys would like me... would wanna be in a relationship with me later on. I make such a terrible girlfriend!!! I am too possessive, too dependent, too demanding..... etc.... that I drove him away. People tell me to stop blaming myself... that we were just not compatiable. But it had felt so right! This is so frustrating. At this point, I don't know how to proceed with him. I mean, I really want to at least keep the friendship. He said that he wants to be friends too... but I don't know. I'm scared to face him cause I have a feeling that I just might break down and cry like I always have. I'm such a cry-baby. He hates it when I cry. It drives him nuts. I have to be strong when I see him, but I am not sure if I got what it takes to be strong. I'll most likely end up begging again and I really don't wanna do that. But I do want to have a second chance with him. Do you think that's possible?

 

Thanks, sorry if this message was confusing. I am pretty confused here. Any advice will help. I hope everyone's doing well.... mary