Wife has too many family gatherings

[AlexV]

My wife has a big family, getting bigger all the time. Not only do they celebrate numerous holidays, but they have birthday parties for everyone (adults and little children). This averages out to about two gatherings a month. While we were dating, she said not to feel obligated to attend family events that didn’t appeal to me, but now she’s very upset if I want to do something else.

 

I don't mind doing some things with in-laws, but I just don't need/want to spend every weekend (or every other) with them. What is an acceptable frequency of seeing one's in-laws, what events should be considered "must-attends", etc.? Any advice?

[shlee]

I have the same problem with my future in-laws. My SO doesn't even have a large family, they just get together all the damn time, and his parents expect to see us a couple times a week. Family events average out to at the very least 2-3 per month, which I think is way too many.

 

I posted about this in the Marriage section and no one responded. I hope you get some responses that might help me as well

 

The one positive in my situation is that my SO doesn't think he should have to see his family so often either; but that doesn't stop us from having to go

 

It's especially irritating since we only see my family twice a year, and he always goes on about how awesome that is. If we have to spend 2 or 3 weekends a month with one of our families I would much rather have it be mine

[AlexV]

Shlee,

 

What types of events does your SO's family hold, and do they assign equal importance to each of them?

 

I'm an only child, and my mother died last year, so I only have my father, who is disabled and in a nursing home 3 hours away, as my immediate family. So, family event attendance will never even be close to equal in my case.

[shlee]

Shlee,

 

What types of events does your SO's family hold, and do they assign equal importance to each of them?

 

I'm an only child, and my mother died last year, so I only have my father, who is disabled and in a nursing home 3 hours away, as my immediate family. So, family event attendance will never even be close to equal in my case.

 

Jeez, anything you can think of

Examples include: birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, wedding anniversaries, every holiday such as 4th of July, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, anniversary of starting a job, anniversary of retirement, someone leaving the country for a 2 week vacation, someone returning to the country from a 2 week vacation, the anniversary of when the sister started dating her bf (they haven't been together very long and are not married), end of the school year (for the kids), Sunday dinner....the list goes on and on and on They pretty much all have the same importance - you are a horrible human being if you do not attend any of these events, as apparently in his family, family is #1 over any other obligation, and they expect to see you at least once a week if not more often.

 

My SO also thinks that this is too often, so we don't go to everything; but we go to way more things than I care to, because he feels pressure, and I guess that is kind of normal for him, and his mother is always trying to guilt trip both of us.

 

I'm not any only child, but my parents and most extended family live 6-10 hours away, my brother is even further away...my sister is local, but she and I are more independent from our family. We wish we could see them more often, but there is no expectation or guilt for not seeing anyone more than once or twice a year. Sorry to hear about your parents

Edited October 6, 2010 by shlee

[Stung]

Right there with you.

 

Honestly, we/I do see my parents more even though they live further away, as they actually come over about once a week usually to spend time with and help with the kids, and we usually go out for lunch or dinner or go to a museum or something. They are really low-key. They adore the kids and offer to babysit whenever I need it in order to get my other work done, which is awesome, and they do these great woodworking and gardening projects with the kids, fun and educational.

 

My husband's family is huge, and they all live on top of each other and are constantly having get-togethers. Kids' birthdays alone are at least once a month, then there are all the holidays, special occasions, random dinners, etc. These events are always kind of chaotic and I'm usually left chasing the baby around the totally un-toddler-proofed yards by myself, pulling him out of barbecue pits and off of half-broken fences, etc., while my husband gets dragged off by his teenage nephews or his mother to fix their computers, and his sisters mostly talk to each other or chase their own kids. Don't get me wrong, I do like my in-laws, but there are so many of them it gets a bit exhausting for me. Plus when my MIL does talk to me alone in the kitchen she is always smearing my SIL's and it is awkward for me to be in the middle .

 

I dont' know if we handle it the best way; we kind of keep things on a case-by-case basis and try to make at least one event per month, but we're busy and we sometimes miss that goal. I am lucky in that my in-laws are pretty informal so their gatherings are usually last minute and nobody is expected to attend ALL of them, but I think we still miss 'too many' compared to the others in the family. I do occupy one role in her personal mythos as the woman who stole her son, as all her other kids are over there literally almost daily, but I am also her son's wife and mother of his children so I guess she just smears me to my SIL's behind my back and then lets it go . Ironically, I am the one who reminds my husband to keep in touch with his mom and schedules us for the gatherings we DO make it to.

 

We try to make an appearance at all the kids' birthdays; we can't always, but if we miss one we make a note to make it the next year. We always go for Christmas morning (Christmas Eve is my family) and Thanksgiving (my family holds Thanksgiving on a completely different day in order to be accomodating). We always go to my MIL's birthday, and usually the 4th of July BBQ. We usually go to Easter dinner. We try to have my MIL over once in a while for dinner or tea and we have a party once a year with both families together. Frankly that's PLENTY for both of us and we know we just can't make everybody happy, so we have to stay inside of parameters that keep US happy and functioning well in our own little unit.

[AlexV]

Jeez, anything you can think of

Examples include: birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, wedding anniversaries, every holiday such as 4th of July, Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, anniversary of starting a job, anniversary of retirement, someone leaving the country for a 2 week vacation, someone returning to the country from a 2 week vacation, the anniversary of when the sister started dating her bf (they haven't been together very long and are not married), end of the school year (for the kids), Sunday dinner....the list goes on and on and on They pretty much all have the same importance - you are a horrible human being if you do not attend any of these events, as apparently in his family, family is #1 over any other obligation, and they expect to see you at least once a week if not more often.

 

My SO also thinks that this is too often, so we don't go to everything; but we go to way more things than I care to, because he feels pressure, and I guess that is kind of normal for him, and his mother is always trying to guilt trip both of us.

 

I'm not any only child, but my parents and most extended family live 6-10 hours away, my brother is even further away...my sister is local, but she and I are more independent from our family. We wish we could see them more often, but there is no expectation or guilt for not seeing anyone more than once or twice a year. Sorry to hear about your parents

 

Shlee, are you sure we don't somehow have the same in-laws? LOL

 

My wife and I don't have children of our own (too many reasons to get into here!) so I don't have to worry about kids needing to see their cousins, grandparents, etc. My wife often will talk about how drained she is after spending a day with her family (especially the screaming, bratty kids who aren't made to behave) but she still feels obligated to go to almost everything they schedule. Worst part is, she'll feel free to back out of things that I schedule to do for just us as a couple, but when her family says jump, she says How High? I feel it's affected our time together as a couple and is hurting our marriage.

 

Personally, I'd rather do things they way my parents did -- everyone celebrates their birthday with their own immediate family, and extended family sends a card or small gift. I know my wife would not like this suggestion though, as we've been married for five years, and it seems her family has used my having a small family (and thus much fewer commitments) to monopolize our time and bully us into attending their every function (I like how you put it, being made to feel like a horrible human being for not showing up -- that's exactly the vibe I get.)

[AlexV]

Shlee, btw, what did you title your post in the marriage section? I'll give it a look-see and comment on it if I can locate it. Thanks!

[shlee]

I posted in the marriage section several weeks ago - I don't remember the title, something about how to deal with future in laws.

 

Seriously, good luck to you. I think the expectations of my SO's family is completely ridiculous, and while my SO agrees with me on this, he and I still are dealing with this issue and trying to figure something out. As I said, we still go to way too many family events, but the sad part is, we could be going to sooooo many more

 

SO SAYS he agrees with me, and in some respects he does, but he still has that whole guilt thing going on with his mom so we go to a lot of things.

 

We have both tried to tell his parents and other family that we are very busy people and simply don't have the time, but it hasn't worked, and I'm really looking for answers on how to effectively set boundaries with them.

 

At this point I'm starting to think that I might just have to deal with it. This whole situation has DEFINITELY made me appreciate my own family even more. As Stung said, we are much more low-key, about pretty much everything.

 

When we get together it's FUN, and not something that's expected or a guilt trip. If you can make it great, if not, sorry you missed a great time. We don't fuss or stress out about things....

[AlexV]

I posted in the marriage section several weeks ago - I don't remember the title, something about how to deal with future in laws.

 

 

 

Shlee,

 

I found your post in the marriage section and made a couple comments on it.

[2sure]

My now ex H's family had gatherings every Sunday. Mandatory. Plus the holidays. That just didnt work for me because it involved some travel and I like to see my family as well.

 

I limited it to once a month and every other holiday. It created some flack initially but then all of the other siblings started doing it too. It was like they were relieved.

 

Eventually it all worked. The younger siblings started having children and it became a hassle for them to put everything aside so often. The in-laws started the once a month sundays to celebrate any birthdays that were in that month.

 

The XMas eve tradition of stuffing as many relatives as possible into my MIL's downsized home while she cooked a banquet and everyone brought gifts enough to stock a third world country while children screamed and bounced off the walls and were rude to each other from the frenzy....well, giving up all THAT...was a bonus of the divorce.

[AlexV]

My now ex H's family had gatherings every Sunday. Mandatory. Plus the holidays. That just didnt work for me because it involved some travel and I like to see my family as well.

 

I limited it to once a month and every other holiday. It created some flack initially but then all of the other siblings started doing it too. It was like they were relieved.

 

Eventually it all worked. The younger siblings started having children and it became a hassle for them to put everything aside so often. The in-laws started the once a month sundays to celebrate any birthdays that were in that month.

 

The XMas eve tradition of stuffing as many relatives as possible into my MIL's downsized home while she cooked a banquet and everyone brought gifts enough to stock a third world country while children screamed and bounced off the walls and were rude to each other from the frenzy....well, giving up all THAT...was a bonus of the divorce.

 

2Sure,

 

I'm hoping that will be the situation with my wife's family. I wonder how many other situations are similar to this -- everyone in the family possibly realizing, though it may have been a good thing at first, the gatherings have created a monster that's out of hand, but nobody wants to be the "bad guy" who is the first to speak up about it.

 

Kudos to you for having the conviction to do so.

 

The Christmas situation sounds exactly like my in-laws. When you have the tree, presents, plus 13 people (adults and small children) in the (way too small for this purpose) room, it's total chaos. It's impossible to have a conversation with anyone if you wanted to, and nearly impossible to keep track of who's opening what gift, etc. Complete stress-out and waste of time for me.