I understand the feeling of revenge now...

[TigerCub]

Well, I had resolved that no matter what happened with us, I certainly would never deny my children the best relationship possible with their father....

 

I was determined to take the high road in either a divorce or a reconciliation.

 

I certainly have a lot of respect for people that put their children first and try to make the best environment for them regardless of what's going on between the parents.

[Dexter Morgan]

I just found out that xMM went on a huge trip to a big city with his wife and teen a month and a half after dday! A two week trip! There I was, crying in a pot of pity and he was out driving and flying across states with his fam to get to a major amusement park...dining at fine places...and going to theatre performances! Wth?

First off, has his BS lost her mind?

 

I'd say yes, the BS has lost her mind. It wouldn't be for me, I'll dump any cheater flat, kids or not. But what you and MM have put her through is the equivalent of emotional abuse....so her "losing her mind" is the result of the MM and you.

 

And the same could be asked of you...you are effing a MM. We could ask you if you are out of your mind as well.

 

 

Why would she want to be holed up with him so soon after a EA/PA? He obviously hasn't been completely honest with her...nor me.

 

hmm...lets see....he was cheating on his wife. When did you realize he wasn't an honest guy? just now?

 

 

She isn't in rehab. They can't be in counseling if they are traveling. Secondly, what gives him the right!? ARGHHH.

 

he has the same right that you had in messing around with a married man.

 

again, if you think you can ask this question, the same question can be posed to you...what gives you the right?

 

 

We have now been 5 months NC. And I am still trying to pick up the pieces in my life...

 

So is the BS, yet you see fit to insult her.

 

Let me clue you in to the minds of some people that have to deal with people like the MM and yourself. Upon dday, its devestating, it hurts, a BS's mind is clouded, they are desperate, divorce is too painful to think about, too many emotions are boiling....again, a BS has basically just been emotionally abused in my opinion.

 

I was the same way. But it didn't take me long to clear my head and decide that the OM can have the wench (which he is now paying for and so is she:))

 

but some people choose to stay, some choose to leave. I advise the latter.

 

You chose to mess around with a married man. You chose to sleep with another woman's husband. yes, MM is the most to blame here. but for you to act like you are entitled to something is just plain ridiculous in the face of trying insult the wife.

 

Move on with your life, pick single men from now on, and leave the BS be. The BS knows about her husband, and the fact that she didn't choose what I'd see as an appropriate path (which would be divorcing him and taking half of the marital assets with her) has no bearing on the fact that the husband was found out.

 

He should suffer dire consequences, but he won't. And thats too bad.

 

But you are in no position to complain about it. Only one that deserves to complain if she ever so chooses, is his wife.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sounds to me like a case of "hysterical bonding".

 

I agree. Nothing is to say that she will start thinking more clearly in the months to come and she may end up deciding she deserves better than a cheating bastard.

[Ellin]

I don't understand it. How did the single AP in your scenario wind up all alone with no support from their family and friends, or some sort of comfort from their daily routines? Why would a single AP invest so damn heavily in a secret relationship, with someone who has already committed themselves to another, that they destroy their own lives in the process?

 

It's all fine and good to feel sorry for someone else who is going through a rough time in their lives, but we are all adults and we all have to eventually stand up and take the fallout from our own screw ups. I find it irresponsible, and somewhat mean, to encourage this AP to wallow in their own self pity any longer. Some of you guys around here are constantly questioning other people's motivation to post what they post.. so I have to ask... do you guys post the way you do simply because misery loves company? Seems that way sometimes...

 

If you mean me, the answer is NO. That is obviously how you want to interpret it, for your own reasons.

 

And I have no tiniest idea how my post can be taken as encouraging someone to keep wallowing in their own self pity.

[anne1707]

Yeah, but were you on vacation with him the following week?

I realize that people deal with things differently, but I would imagine that it would be pretty difficult to be with the person that betrayed you and just act all happy and normal.

 

I'm honestly just curious, not trying to stir up ****

 

The OPs MM went on holiday a month after DDay not a week

 

I went on holiday with my H 2 months after Dday

 

And no, life was not all suddenly sweet and happy with no difficulties between my H and I. However we also saw it as important to spend time together as a couple to try and re-establish the bonds between us that had been so badly damaged by the affair. My H (as BS) actually worked through this stage better than me.

 

 

Edit: This was after MY affair. However I would have gone away with MY H after his affair was exposed as soon after Dday if we had been able to do so. Why shouldn't I spend time with my H?

Edited October 6, 2010 by anne1707

[TigerCub]

Why shouldn't I spend time with my H?

 

Don't get me wrong. It's not a question of why shouldn't you spend time with your H?

Let me rephrase, its not a question of why shouldn't the BS spend time with WS - its more a question of 'How can the BS bring themselves to want to spend time with the BS' so soon after DDay.

 

I was just questioning it, because it would seem like it wouldn't be the most likely thing to happen - for a BS to just be all good with the person that betrayed them and played them for a fool.

 

That's all.

[anne1707]

Don't get me wrong. It's not a question of why shouldn't you spend time with your H?

Let me rephrase, its not a question of why shouldn't the BS spend time with WS - its more a question of 'How can the BS bring themselves to want to spend time with the BS' so soon after DDay.

 

I was just questioning it, because it would seem like it wouldn't be the most likely thing to happen - for a BS to just be all good with the person that betrayed them and played them for a fool.

 

That's all.

 

No offence taken at all

 

It just surprises me that so many think that the BS will not be able to stand going away with the WS when if they have made the decision to work on their marriage that is exactly what they should be doing. It also does mean that all is good or easy either if on holiday together. It is just another part in a potential recovery.

[nunyanunya]

If you mean me, the answer is NO. That is obviously how you want to interpret it, for your own reasons.

 

And I have no tiniest idea how my post can be taken as encouraging someone to keep wallowing in their own self pity.

 

lets see...

 

Blizzard has a RIGHT to feel anger and all the things she has written about. She's just expressing her feelings and doesn't need a moral lecture.

 

Suggesting that the OP has any right to feel anger at a situation where, 1+ month AFTER nc was agreed too by both of them, the MM goes on vaca with his family allows her to justify her anger, when what she really needs is to forgive herself for getting into that situation and move on. She HAD no right to him. This is a FACT, which does NOT mean that her feelings were illegitimate. Anger at a situation she can not change is not healthy for her, and yes while it hurts now and is impossible to avoid, justifying the anger IN ANY WAY AT ALL does no one any good. Whats the logical outcome of continuing to be mad? (I have a right to be angry that hes not with me damnit!).

 

I don't know her story but the MM fully participated in the A and must have done things that made her feel like she had the right to be in a R with him. He is not his W's possession, he's a person with his own will and choices.

 

Right, its not like hes MARRIED OR ANYTHING, you know, uttered vows or anything. That would be a different story.

 

Again, she had no right to him. Allowing her to be justified in her anger only allows her to continue being angry, not moving on.

 

This thread and its title also illustrates how one cannot understand what being in a situation feels like, until one IS in that situation. OR one has great empathy.

 

Uh.... you're posting on a relationship advice site, specifically a subforum geared towards people dealing with the aftermath of being in an affair with married people even, and you don't think its full of people who have been there???

 

I completely understand how Blizzard feels and I understand why it takes ages for AP to recover after the A ends in a bad way, while MP finds it much easier to carry on as if nothing has happened. Especially if AP is single - they just end up lonely and abandoned, while MP have their life almost intact and they have their spouse, children, extended family, mutual friends and routines to give them comfort.

 

It's only natural for AP in this case to feel that this is so unfair and to want their xMM/MW to suffer the same.

 

Every affair is different, I'll grant you that, but its not roses on any side. Theres plenty of pain to go around again and again. From a glass half full perspective, the OP is now free to move on with her life and find what she deserves. Many AP's aren't so lucky, being not actually single and all. I hope to god it doesn't take the OP ages to recover. Some can't break the cycle. But being angry at anyone for things you can't control doesn't do anyone any good. In this case it can be specifically argued that the anger is not justified. Helping the OP realize that and move on is the point of these posts, not to make her feel worse about the situation than she already is. That is why your post has garnered such a response.

 

OP. I'm sorry for your pain. Don't be angry, even at yourself. Just own it, try to work towards accepting it and moving on. I know they sound just like words but read around here for a bit when you're hurting and you'll find all kinds of good advice, and you'll start seeing themes.

[Mimolicious]

no no noooo...the trip was NOT taken now after 5 months NC. It was taken a month and 1wk to be exact after D-day! Several months ago.

 

In my defense, yes he can enjoy his family after 5 months NC...whatever. And yes, I am enjoying my kids. And no, I am not a grave hermit wallowing in self pity any longer. But I will say what he did, what he said has scarred me...and I will never forget...but I am capable of moving on.

 

Ifwisheswerehorses: I say what gives him the right meaning being one person "divorcing" for nearly two years and filling my head full of lies, and begging me to have faith and trust him. Telling me he values sincerity and honesty. Then a week later walking away cold turkey basically with a one liner email after Dday. In turn telling me he loves me and cares about me AND her. I called him to get a more than I deserve explanation...we both agreed NC...forever. Then, there he is a month later enjoying rollercoasters and cotton candy. The trip was planned a week AFTER Dday!!! Where is his pain!?

 

Yes Cavedweller. I have had a few evil thoughts about him... involving rollercoasters.

 

Interesting about hysterical bonding... sounds like him.

 

I will catch up with you guys later...gotta run. Thanks for the insight.

 

Did it occur to you that this trip was always in their plans, prior to D'Day?

Hone, I know you feel hurt and all but move on.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know this info? Are you asking around?

[SidLyon]

I just found out that xMM went on a huge trip to a big city with his wife and teen a month and a half after dday! A two week trip! There I was, crying in a pot of pity and he was out driving and flying across states with his fam to get to a major amusement park...dining at fine places...and going to theatre performances! Wth?

First off, has his BS lost her mind? Why would she want to be holed up with him so soon after a EA/PA? He obviously hasn't been completely honest with her...nor me. She isn't in rehab. They can't be in counseling if they are traveling. Secondly, what gives him the right!? ARGHHH. It's as if nothing freaking happened in their relationship or their lives. Weird.

And they don't have a kid together. Teen is from previous marriage.

 

We have now been 5 months NC. And I am still trying to pick up the pieces in my life...

 

I'm a BW and since d-day we have taken numerous holidays and trips together, including the roller-coasters of Disneyland, the beaches and volcanoes of Hawaii, international plays showing interstate, rainforests and beaches in tropical north Queensland and a 2,000 mile luxury train journey on one of the world's great train journeys. Our teens came on some but not all of these.

 

We also engaged in so called "hysterical bonding" and while that has settled now, we still have an active sex life.

 

These were all part of the healing process and recovering and rebuilding our marriage and relationship which is what we both wanted. None of this means that as a BW that I have lost my mind (I hadn't) , or that I don't know the full extent of my fWH's betrayal (I did know), or that we can't be undertaking counseling (we were) or that everything has become dandy and fine overnight (it wasn't) or that he isn't being accountable for what he has done (he was).

 

It seems to be common theme among OW that the BW must not know every relevant thing if she is willing to reconcile. This is just an erroneous belief at least in my case. My fWH's OW said as much to me herself. But in the end there was nothing extra she could tell me that I didn't already know. I already knew that he loved her and had told her he wanted to be with her. I already knew the content of his e-mails and chat logs. He answered every question I had including intimate details about the OW. I remember telling her she would be horrified to know what i know about her. My H had a choice on d-day, but choosing me meant he had to end it with the OW and give me what I needed to heal, and that sometimes included totally betraying the OW.

[blizzard]

Sidlyon- xMM told me that he wasn't going to be completely honest with her. He told me what he told her. He said he couldn't tell her that he told me that he loved me. "I am not telling her about the I love yous" He downplayed things a good bit. BS does know about the affair but to what extent...the bare miniumn. He even went as far as to tell her we only had a few lunch dates. Nothing physical. That we had imd for a year. Lies.

 

And I do apologize if this comes out all wrong, but this is just my opinion...planning a trip a week after an affair ended is just crazy. How do you look one another in the eye. How are you intimate? Is it mind over matter? My heart just wouldn't let me do it. Even a month later.

 

I will clarify. I am not saying that BS and WS can NEVER take trips again together. But the urgency is just weird.

 

I think counseling is crucial during the first few months. During my MC we attended weekly...we alternated weeks of IC and MC as a couple. BS is also "supposingly" fighting a problem with binge drinking. So rehab was agreed upon and "supposingly" going to take place immediately. What kind of rehab? I have no idea. But I would "think" that it would be important to attend regularly as well. Maybe it's okay to miss rehab for a couple of weeks after a 6wk period. Dunno.

I believe that couples that want to save their marriage need guidance. And that should be the focus. Taking an immediate trip seems so in the "now" lets forget about our problems for awhile medicine.

 

I would believe that BS would need breathing room...that's all.

Edited October 9, 2010 by blizzard

[blizzard]

Did it occur to you that this trip was always in their plans, prior to D'Day?

Hone, I know you feel hurt and all but move on.

 

Out of curiosity, how do you know this info? Are you asking around?

 

Mimi- I would rather not say how I know. But it was from a source that I trust. And yes...it could have planned before Dday...but my source finds it odd if it were due to other details I can't mention. And thank you for your consolation. I am moving on. I am trying and doing well. He really hurt me like no one has. And left quickly. And I have been trying to understand the person I thought I once I knew and the monster he became. But life goes on.

[SidLyon]

Sidlyon- xMM told me that he wasn't going to be completely honest with her. He told me what he told her. He said he couldn't tell her that he told me that he loved me. "I am not telling her about the I love yous" He downplayed things a good bit. BS does know about the affair but to what extent...the bare miniumn. He even went as far as to tell her we only had a few lunch dates. Nothing physical. That we had imd for a year. Lies.

 

Fair enough - he told you he was going to gaslight her. My fWH more or less said the same thing to his OW but in the end he couldn't, as I had too much other evidence. We had a form of trickle truth that went on for about 2 weeks. Can you be certain that he continued to lie to her for the whole time you have been in NC?

 

And I do apologize if this comes out all wrong, but this is just my opinion...planning a trip a week after an affair ended is just crazy. How do you look one another in the eye. How are you intimate? Is it mind over matter? My heart just wouldn't let me do it. Even a month later.

 

We commenced planning our first trip within a week of d-day and the first happened as soon as possible - about 4 weeks later. After each trip we started planning the next. Obviously you consider me/us crazy but I can tell you it was a very effective way of recovering our relationship. We managed it because we both desperately wanted to reconcile.

 

I will clarify. I am not saying that BS and WS can NEVER take trips again together. But the urgency is just weird.

 

Again we will have to disagree. It was not weird but a highly effective thing for us.

 

I think counseling is crucial during the first few months. During my MC we attended weekly...we alternated weeks of IC and MC as a couple. BS is also "supposingly" fighting a problem with binge drinking. So rehab was agreed upon and "supposingly" going to take place immediately. What kind of rehab? I have no idea. But I would "think" that it would be important to attend regularly as well. Maybe it's okay to miss rehab for a couple of weeks after a 6wk period. Dunno.

 

We managed to fit in both our trips and our counseling.

 

I believe that couples that want to save their marriage need guidance. And that should be the focus. Taking an immediate trip seems so in the "now" lets forget about our problems for awhile medicine.

 

Our counselor encouraged and commended us. Marital recovery is much more than just attending counseling once a week. You basically have to consider all aspects of your life together and for us (and perhaps your MM and his wife) that meant doing stuff together and with our children that we enjoyed. We all have many happy memories of these times. Happy memories help form solid bonds.

 

I would believe that BS would need breathing room...that's all.

 

Yes and a few trips together does not detract from "breathing room" for either spouse.

 

 

Comments bolded above.

[porter218]

Hysterical bonding is what I was thinking, too.

 

As for what gives him the right?

 

I think it is often the OW/AP who is left in pain for months, trying to recover, while the MM/MW is off living their life with their other SO's (their family).

 

I know that doesn't seem fair, but it seems that is the way it often goes.

Are you serious?

That was me(BS) with my WS a few yrs back. He was trying to make amends for the pain he caused me by spending lots of time away on huge family vacations. He knew the beach and islands held a special place in my heart and thought if he took me there it would all be OK(for the time being). He chose to do this because he knew when out of the country I would not worry as much about him contacting OW plus he knew if not him at least the ocean would make me smile. The whole time I was traveling I was in a state of shock and deep pain. I tried to enjoy it and in brief moments I did, but it's not like I wasn't feeling at least if not more pain then the OW. It was only my H that was having the time of his life traveling and enjoying his family....all the while I very specifically remember everytime I looked at his face I pictured taking a sledge hammer and bashing it in. I would be watching my H making sand castles with my son while I just looked at him with tears of anger and pure rage...then tried to hide that face if my son looked at me. Now that we are divorced going back to the same resorts have brought back those awful feeling of those vacations. I have to request to be put in rooms on the absolute opposite side of the resort so I don't remember the post d-day feelings.

[porter218]

Mimi- I would rather not say how I know. But it was from a source that I trust. And yes...it could have planned before Dday...but my source finds it odd if it were due to other details I can't mention. And thank you for your consolation. I am moving on. I am trying and doing well. He really hurt me like no one has. And left quickly. And I have been trying to understand the person I thought I once I knew and the monster he became. But life goes on.

 

You have to look at it this way....He did you the biggest favor he ever could have done-> disappeared from your life. You should be thankful of this and worry no more about him and his life. If ever you speak to him again you should tell thank him for this...I'm serious.

[my story]

"When it comes to love and a relationship ends, there usually is the question of WHY, and that most people almost never get the real answer to why certain things happened the way they did. So we need to accept that fact, and know that no good can ever come from us filling in the gaps on our own with our false assumptions & conclusions"

 

I am really glad that I read this. When I struggled in the past few days to figure out why xMM wanted to end it so sudden, it's meaningless. We just have to accept the fact.

 

Thank god for LS and you guys, it just makes this extremely painful process a little bit better.

[Spark1111]

I'm a BW and since d-day we have taken numerous holidays and trips together, including the roller-coasters of Disneyland, the beaches and volcanoes of Hawaii, international plays showing interstate, rainforests and beaches in tropical north Queensland and a 2,000 mile luxury train journey on one of the world's great train journeys. Our teens came on some but not all of these.

 

We also engaged in so called "hysterical bonding" and while that has settled now, we still have an active sex life.

 

These were all part of the healing process and recovering and rebuilding our marriage and relationship which is what we both wanted. None of this means that as a BW that I have lost my mind (I hadn't) , or that I don't know the full extent of my fWH's betrayal (I did know), or that we can't be undertaking counseling (we were) or that everything has become dandy and fine overnight (it wasn't) or that he isn't being accountable for what he has done (he was).

 

It seems to be common theme among OW that the BW must not know every relevant thing if she is willing to reconcile. This is just an erroneous belief at least in my case. My fWH's OW said as much to me herself. But in the end there was nothing extra she could tell me that I didn't already know. I already knew that he loved her and had told her he wanted to be with her. I already knew the content of his e-mails and chat logs. He answered every question I had including intimate details about the OW. I remember telling her she would be horrified to know what i know about her. My H had a choice on d-day, but choosing me meant he had to end it with the OW and give me what I needed to heal, and that sometimes included totally betraying the OW.

 

 

Hey, SId and I both had many similiar experiences during reconciliation. My husband planned these expensive getaways and vacations. We fit in weekends away. We jumped on the hot sex hysterical bonding routine because he was desperate to save the marriage.

 

While I remained ambivalent for a while, until I had all the info of the affair, we still fit in the counseling that we needed to attend.

 

But we also needed to attend to the relationship and vacationing was a way to be away together to talk, really talk, and see if I mostly would consider giving him a second chance.

 

I would not, until he told me everything. It took him a while to do so, and even then, I was not sure. He tried harder.

 

Look Blizzard....obviously there is nothing I could say to make you feel better about this situation.

 

The bottom line: He is pursuing his wife as vigorously as he once pursued you.....and all those things he told you?

 

May not necessarily be the truth of his situation at home. I know the guilt and shame he feels now, over the exaggerations he told his OW of me, will torture him until the end of time.....

 

What a mess!

[Fieldsofgold]

Sidlyon- xMM told me that he wasn't going to be completely honest with her. He told me what he told her. He said he couldn't tell her that he told me that he loved me. "I am not telling her about the I love yous" He downplayed things a good bit. BS does know about the affair but to what extent...the bare miniumn. He even went as far as to tell her we only had a few lunch dates. Nothing physical. That we had imd for a year. Lies.

 

And I do apologize if this comes out all wrong, but this is just my opinion...planning a trip a week after an affair ended is just crazy. How do you look one another in the eye. How are you intimate? Is it mind over matter? My heart just wouldn't let me do it. Even a month later.

 

I will clarify. I am not saying that BS and WS can NEVER take trips again together. But the urgency is just weird.

 

I think counseling is crucial during the first few months. During my MC we attended weekly...we alternated weeks of IC and MC as a couple. BS is also "supposingly" fighting a problem with binge drinking. So rehab was agreed upon and "supposingly" going to take place immediately. What kind of rehab? I have no idea. But I would "think" that it would be important to attend regularly as well. Maybe it's okay to miss rehab for a couple of weeks after a 6wk period. Dunno.

I believe that couples that want to save their marriage need guidance. And that should be the focus. Taking an immediate trip seems so in the "now" lets forget about our problems for awhile medicine.

 

I would believe that BS would need breathing room...that's all.

 

Blizzard, I am saying this with kindness . . . What they do, and how they handle things is between them. It is none of your concern. You might feel better, might heal faster, if you acknowledge that, and let them have their life, their problems, their way.

 

Wishing you speedy healing.

[Fieldsofgold]

Hysterical bonding is what I was thinking, too.

 

As for what gives him the right?

 

I think it is often the OW/AP who is left in pain for months, trying to recover, while the MM/MW is off living their life with their other SO's (their family).

 

I know that doesn't seem fair, but it seems that is the way it often goes.

 

I think I may have not been clear in what I was saying. (bolded). It often seems that the WS go on their merry way back to the family, while everyone else - OW, BS, children, endure the pain and fallout long afterwards.

[fooled once]

 

Right, its not like hes MARRIED OR ANYTHING, you know, uttered vows or anything. That would be a different story.

 

 

I always find it interesting how many OW throw out the "he isn't her possession" line. And he isn't the OW's possession either. BUT he did something with the WIFE - he married her. During that ceremony, he promised to love her, cherish her and most likely not betray her. Basically, he promised himself/his heart to her. FYI - my husband is just that - MY husband. He isn't MY boyfriend or my affair partner; he is my husband. Should he decide not to be MY husband anymore, he can leave me and get a divorce. Until that time, there is a spoken/unspoken agreement that he will be loyal to ME.

 

Sidlyon- xMM told me that he wasn't going to be completely honest with her. He told me what he told her. He said he couldn't tell her that he told me that he loved me. "I am not telling her about the I love yous" He downplayed things a good bit. BS does know about the affair but to what extent...the bare miniumn. He even went as far as to tell her we only had a few lunch dates. Nothing physical. That we had imd for a year. Lies.

 

And I do apologize if this comes out all wrong, but this is just my opinion...planning a trip a week after an affair ended is just crazy. How do you look one another in the eye. How are you intimate? Is it mind over matter? My heart just wouldn't let me do it. Even a month later.

 

I will clarify. I am not saying that BS and WS can NEVER take trips again together. But the urgency is just weird.

 

I think counseling is crucial during the first few months. During my MC we attended weekly...we alternated weeks of IC and MC as a couple. BS is also "supposingly" fighting a problem with binge drinking. So rehab was agreed upon and "supposingly" going to take place immediately. What kind of rehab? I have no idea. But I would "think" that it would be important to attend regularly as well. Maybe it's okay to miss rehab for a couple of weeks after a 6wk period. Dunno.

I believe that couples that want to save their marriage need guidance. And that should be the focus. Taking an immediate trip seems so in the "now" lets forget about our problems for awhile medicine.

 

I would believe that BS would need breathing room...that's all.

 

But you aren't them. You have no idea what really happened D-Day. You don't know if after talking, he told his wife that he told you he loved you, but he didn't mean it. He could have told her you chased him. He could have told her he DID love you; but he realized his marriage was more important. Just because YOU wouldn't have gone away with your cheating spouse, doesn't mean it is abnormal that they decided to go away. There is no right or wrong answer. Just differences.

 

Remember, people who know you had an affair with him are going to slant what they know to tell you stuff to keep drama going on. These people aren't your friends if they tell you what is going on in their marriage and honestly, those gossips aren't friends of the married couple either.

 

Again, you do not know what they as a couple chose. Maybe she did go to outpatient rehab? Maybe they are going to counseling and the counselor said it was a good idea to go away as a family? To try to get back to 'normal' routines. Also, why should the child suffer because the father is an ass?

 

Please do your best to let go of him and their marriage. Try not to analyze the things they are doing as a couple. This can't be helping you move on. Good luck to you!

[Spark1111]

I think I may have not been clear in what I was saying. (bolded). It often seems that the WS go on their merry way back to the family, while everyone else - OW, BS, children, endure the pain and fallout long afterwards.

 

fBS here....ansd I can only speak to my own sitch....

 

My fWS was desperate, absolutely desperate to save the M and the relationship he once enjoyed with his children pre-affair.

 

Despite the trips, and breaks in counseling, please do not assume it is all wine and roses....because dealing with the unexpected rage and anger and tears that comes up from the toes of some BSs can be a living hell in some cases....

 

I know it was in mine. And I put the man through hell for a very long time....

 

So while there was bliss, and sex, and tears and hugs, and let's work on "us" days, there could, on the turn of a dime, be screaming and craziness and rage....

 

So, just as I will never know all about his affair, you can never know all about the reconciliation.

 

It could very well be rollercoaster city for a long time....just like certain times during the affair.