what will motivate me to leave?

[cici2753]

Hello Folks...

 

I am new to this forum and desperately need the advice of you all; it feels as though I can't find anyone to turn to really.

 

My husband and I got married Oct 15, 2003. Had been together for at least a year prior to getting married. First and foremost...my husband is 14 years older than me, grew up in a different city, is Latin American(I grew up in upstate NY), and has been married twice before as well, with no children from either marriage. The age difference has definitely been a huge issue in the time we've been together, and it doesn't seem to get any better.

 

From the beginning we have always had our issues, biggest being my weight issue. My husband has always thrown it in my face that I am the biggest women that he has ever been with, and at this point in our relationship, he is no longer attracted to me, but still loves me "deeply." We haven't made love to one another since June 2010, no intimate contact(hugs, kisses, playful with another). In all words he states that I don't deserve any sort of affection because of the weight. Now, I am definitely guilty of purposely holding back showing him affection, because I feel as though I am rewarding him for his behavior of purposely holding back sex and affection to me.(I want to mention I am about 65 pounds overweight).

 

Now, I am going to add more to the problems I already have...I recently began talking to my ex-boyfriend. We haven't talked since high school, which is about ten years ago. When we dated, which was about for 8 months, I was at my happiest, and I knew he loved me, which scared me at the time, leading me to break it off with him, a decision I now regret. So we have been talking for the last 6-8 months, and we have come to the conclusion that we want to be together once again. I love him and he says he loves me. Some of the things I like about the idea of being with my ex, is that I can be myself around him...sexually and emotionally(please keep in mind he lives 5 hours away from me, and we haven't seen each other since we began talking with one another.) I also like the commonalities we have with one another...music, growing up in same hometown, same view on children and so forth. I am in love with him, love my husband, but not in love with him, and I want to be with him(ex-bf). We talk a lot on the phone 2-3 hours at a time, and are constantly texting one another...

 

I am to the point where I realize I cannot be myself, fun and carefree, around my husband because he is more of the serious personality, his view on having a family is not until I lose all of the weight, and all about saving money to the point of him "endorsing" any item I purchase that is for myself that could potentially be expensive in his eyes. He is also very emotionally unstable...he has a very short temper, and when he becomes upset he yells, swears, emotionally abuses me, and has gotten physical with me in the past(it's been a few months since our last blowout, and at that point he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me, and I feel that was the turning point in our relationship). We haven't slept in the same bedroom for about two months now, due to a immature fight we got into, and he elected to leave the room to cool off for a few days, which turned into two months.

 

Basically, I am writing on this forum because for months I have been coming here everyday trying to relate to some people's situations, see what they're possible aftermath was and so forth. I am to the point where I feel bad that I am staying in a marriage, giving him the expectation that I want to stay, although he said to me that it's really hard to talk breaking up with me...also as far as the ex-boyfriend goes, we initially took a break so that I could figure out what I wanted, but eventually fell into the routine of talking with one another again. I keep on stalling on issues regarding finances and so forth.

 

Well, sorry for being so long in my post, but I need advice as to what I should do...or even a different outlook/opinion regarding my situation. Any advice will be appreciated.

 

Thank-you!

[JustJoe]

My suggestion would be to try as hard as you can to work it out with your husband, but if that failed, get a divorce and be with the Ex-BF. Also try to lose a little wieght, you will feel better about yourself.

[You Go Girl]

Online, email, and only phone relationships are fantasy. Nothing compared to living with someone day-in, day-out.

Doesn't matter how much you seem to relate, reconnect, or anything else. It's the infatuation stage! That's all it is...and until you admit it to yourself, you won't have the right frame of mind to even begin figuring out if you can sort it out with your H.

Only one possibility to save the marriage--you must let go of the exbf from days of yore.

[lkjh]

another cheating wife looking to justify leaving her H.

 

 

Look your H being serious has nothing to do with why you aren't happy. You married that so you knew the type of person he is. Your EA is the reason why you are losing interest in your h

[cici2753]

Thank you for those who have replied to my initial post. I wanted to touch bases on some of the comments left for me. I agree with IKJH, that I am in an emotional affair, but I don't agree with that I am trying to justify leaving my husband. I WANT to leave my husband but I have these feelings of not wanting him to be hurting. I think I have lost a lot of interest in my husband after realizing he's been treating me like a kid, and so forth. Thinking to myself right now, I wonder why nobody has even mention trying to leave him, especially after I have wrote that he emotionally abuses me and physically harms me. It seems as though people are quick to judge me, but not really looking at the bigger picture. I need help and advice as to what I should do. I appreciate everyone's feedback so far...truly I do. Please keep it coming.

ps.) please try not to judge me as the cheating wife...look at the picture in whole...many problems since the beginning at the point where I am sick and tired of it all just don't know how to escape.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

cici2753 :

 

I don't know, it might just be me here, but why am I sensing that you are dwelling inside the gray area here! Why do I feel like you are hemming & hawing a lot about having to make a choice of leaving your Husband. I don't know about anyone else here, but when I made the choice to divorce my ex-wife, I just did it from the "get go", there was no taking my ex-wife's feelings into consideration, there was no being worried about hurting her or worry about how angry she might become because of my choice. If you truly want out, just end it!

 

But I will inject some thoughts I have about this, from your Husbands short temper and him grabbing you by the neck and throwing you around, all the way to you having an emotion affair with your old ex-boyfriend from high school, I would feel it safe to say that this marriage of yours is doomed! For me there would be no sticking around if my ex-wife grabbed me by the neck and tossed be around like a salad, no way, at the moment she would have gone "hands on" with me, it would have been over!

 

Don't fool yourself by listening to advise like going to some "marriage counselors" or anything like that, for me, if I went through this, it's done! But I would advise you to pull your head out of your a** and start thinking about yourself. The moment my ex-wife's hands would have released their grip from around my neck, I would have grabbed my belongings, keys, wallet, smokes and lighter, made a "B Line" for my car, get in and rip pavement getting out of there. I would have stopped at a friend or family members house, reported what happened and would have dialed "911" and had that person charged with assault and domestic violence. What the h*ll were you thinking?

 

Now I am going to switch things up a bit and look at this from a Husband stand point, "devils advocate" if you will. Have you had a talk with your Husband about how you truly feel, or are you stringing him along and holding back from him and trying off and on again "no contact" with him? If so he could be getting very upset and miffed with you because your holding back conversation, sex, nights out, ect. ect. ect. he could be razed with you because he might not know how you feel and are taking what your doing as a direct attack on the marriage and the family unit.

 

Have you come 100% clean with your Husband about this long lost high school sweetheart? Have you told your Husband about the "other guy" who is in the picture? Have you told your Husband that you are no longer satisfied with the marriage and are thinking about running back to your ex-boyfriend? A lot of the abuse you are getting from your Husband might be your own doing! If you stay quiet and live in a hermit shell, because your "in fear" of what your Husband might do to you, than what the h*ll are you still doing hanging around?

 

If your truly living in some sort of "state of fear" why haven't you left yet? Have you contacted an attorney's office yet? Have you found out what your legal option for a divorce would be? Have you made contact with any womens groups such as W.E.A.V.E.? Are you talking with your family, what do they have to say about this? Have you started or are currently seeing a therapist, what do they have to say about this?

 

I'm going to stop now, the ball is in your court here! Either stay with a Husband that has already gone "hands on" with you and hope for the best. Or count your losses and get the h*ll out!

 

For me, I'm just going to be blunt here, no offense, but..............

 

"Either sh*t or get off the pot"!