8 years and I just can't end it....

[dreamingoftigers]

It does not at all sound like you want a relationship with this man.

 

It honestly sounds like your feelings come from a "want to be wanted."

 

It sounds like you get a high off of being wanted by someone who is married, you are so sexy/etc. and he can't keep his hands off of you.

 

It also sounds like you might be a bit of a people-pleaser. Have trouble figuring out exactly how you feel and react mostly to other's feelings.

 

It sounds like you are panicked over this guy developing major feelings for you because you don't want that but you feel that you have to put his feelings first and if you don't you are really going to feel bad.

 

As well though, you have been a fantasy affair partner to this guy for 8 years. Of course you look like the better option for him, you are sex and thrill and secrecy and available. If he were to leave his wife and start trying to build a full relationship with you, the rest of the baggage comes with that. Are you willing to build a relationship with someone that escapes when relational times may be rough?

 

His wife is someone that he vowed to stay by and be faithful to for the rest of his life and he has continued this affair for 8 years. If he can cheat on someone like this whom he lives with and climbs into bed with pretty much the majority of the time, what makes you think that you with all of your real life baggage will be any more special to him? A committment is only as strong as the person that makes it.

 

Do you want to keep structuring your life to get the high from seeing him no matter what the consequences? It doesn't sound like this can be contained much longer. It is worth it to you?

 

He may give you "that feeling." But to be completely honest with you, "that feeling" is not is short supply. You can get that feeling from other men as well, men who are not married or attached. You can get other feelings too like warmth and security (which is nothing to be scoffed at). The one thing that is in short supply from mates is respect. Find a guy that can provide it. A guy that cheats on his wife runs contrary to this.

If your guy can't provide respect then he won't be able to give you "that feeling" anyways once the relationship were to become a full one because you will spend more time wondering who else he is giving that feeling to.

[jthorne]

I told him I didn't want our situation to change in any way

Wow. Just. Wow. You had the chance for both of you to man up, and took the easy way out.

 

If you wanted more, you should have told him to man up and make a choice. If you didn't want him exclusively, you could have told him that he needed to deal with those feelings and resolve his situation with his wife.

 

Instead, you allowed both of you to continue stringing each other along.

 

Wow.

[steelknife]

I'm single and been having an affair with a married work colleague for the past 8 years. It started at a work christmas party, both intoxicated and it was supposed to only happen the once..needless to say, it was a lot more than that. He has been with his wife for a long time and they have 3 children. The affair started when his youngest was 6 months old. I have never asked or expected him to leave his family, because of the children and because I've always thought that if he could be unfaithful to her like he is then he would do it to me as well... I'm not proud of what we have done for so long and I don't like to think of his wife and children. I can't really believe that it has been going on for so long. I thought the very strong attraction between us would have worn off by now, but it is actually getting stronger.

 

We have the most amazing sex, unlike any I have had with anyone else in my life. The feelings I have for this man make it very difficut to end the relationship, even though I know I am getting the raw end of the deal, and that he goes home to her on most nights...I have tried on so many occasions to end it, however have been unable to do so. He does not want it to end. Working with him every day has made it so difficult. Just seeing him walk into the room gives me butterflies in my stomach. We work for a large government department and I changed workplaces to get away from him so I could end the relationship, however he followed me to the new workplace and I still see him nearly every day. We are really quite obsessed with each other, even after all this time. He rings or texts me every day, even on the weekends and when he is on holidays with his family...

His wife I'm sure knows something is going on, she checked his phone and found my number but never rang to confront me or anything...

 

I feel that this relationship with him has affected my capacity to have a proper relationship with other suitable men. I have tried, however they look wrong, smell wrong, don't kiss me like he does, and basically they are just not him...none of the other relationships I have had in the past 8 years have lasted more than a few months. I just don't want anyone but him. I know I will end up alone if I am not careful but I just don't know what to do at this stage, other than move interstate where he can't follow me again.

 

i can see the same pattern. i was exactly in the same cycle, but for a shorter time and i can say, from an insiders point of view. how much it hurts. big time.

like you, ive always wanted out. ive tried many times, we both did. but it ws not easy. until dday. wherein he had to make a choice. the choice, of course, killed me but one good thing that will emerge from it (m still healing) is the fact that at last, i am free.

 

i dont really know what youre asking. obviously, you are not ready to leave this r. you want to but you dont want to. to others, it will not make sense, but to the ow, that is a universal language.

 

if you are coherent (pun intended ) i would advise you to get out. leave. eight years is a long time and it is a waste of time because youre going nowhere. you live for each fraction of a time he has for you. and it gets exhausting. putting your life on hold, around or near the moment, in 5-1o min which you know he will call or text. and you know he can never be yours.

 

but because youre not. i also can not say make the most of it because 8 years is truly a long time. i should say thnk about it very well. the decision and effort will truly all come from you. at this very point, or even from the very beginning, i know you know what is right and what you should do, you just never got around to doing it. it is not easy to be trapped in a cycle dearie. and it will never be easy to get out but rest assured that, we all know what you should do. and i know you know. the question is when. and how.

 

keep posting. this forum has helped me alot. it will do the same to you.

[painfullyobvious]

He followed you after you transferred? Sounds like you are trying to heal but he will not allow you to. Tell him you need to be left alone. Being in love with someone you cannot have is torture. You have never allowed yourself to break from this person and continue to reactivate the pain with each encounter with him. Sorry I have been there before myself

[dy7611]

You love him or not? He has obviously come to a realization in his life that he is living a facade with the wife and he is ready to end a dead relationship. He is getting the balls to do what he should have done 8 yrs ago. I can't imagine finding out my husband has been having an affair with another woman for 8 yrs and wanting to fix my marriage. I would assume she was the one he wanted or he would not have been doing this behind my back the whole time.

You know you love him. You need to decide if you love him enough to put your fears behind you and commit yourself. If your not and you do not really love him with all your heart you better call him immediately because the ride of this affair is over.

[BlackLovely]

No matter how many OW's are happy in affairs, it is painfully obvious that the OP is in galling emotional pain.

OP, I think that you are extremely confused. You speak of trying to get away from him, yet you speak of the amazing physical connection. As soon as your MM moved towards you emotionally, you pulled back. You make me think of toddlers who only want a toy, if someone else is playing with it.

If you truly want a rewarding adult relationship, you will need to end this madness and seek counseling. Fall in love with yourself first, my dear. Choose men that can be availible, without moral gymnastics around cheating hubbies being unfaithful to you.

[juicyfruit62]

You are absolutely right BL, I am very confused at the moment. All those years of thinking i wanted him to myself, and now when it seems that it may happen, I'm terrified. Your analogy about the toy is pretty spot on. My relationships with men have always been somewhat dysfunctional. I know I need to break this off and have counselliing but as you said steelknife, the universal language of the OW is to want to end it but not want to end it. And yes, the question is when, and most difficult of all, how.