Tonight I am just angry

[gypsycat]

Hi! I've been lurking here for some time and can only say that this forum has been extremely helpful to me. I'd like to tell you my story in the hope that it helps others, and that by actually telling someone, although I don't know any of you, I can somehow put this phase of my life behind me. I really need to do that and get on with my life.

 

I am married and became involved online with a married man last April. We were friends to start and shared a common hobby. Of all the people you meet some you just click with and this was true for this guy. Anyway because of our hobby we were instant messaging frequently, and then one day he said he thought about me all the time and that he loved me, quite out of the blue. I have to say I was floored. After I recovered I resisted for a while and then I was flattered and thought this is harmless this could be kind of fun and over a week or so convinced myself I could actually fall in love with him and still love my husband. What a mistake that was?I was just asking myself to become a emotional mess. I should have told him where to go. In retrospect, I had problems in my own marriage and still do, not serious but there, but didn't really realize it until I got involved with this guy.

 

Some background. I am very level headed, not silly, very independent and not a romantic by a long shot but I still let myself fall into this trap. So fast forward within a couple of weeks we're having sex online, ok I'm the last person to ever do that I swear but I did I can't believe it. Within a month he proposes, I was floored again. You would think the timing would have been enough to tell me to get out of this but no I was too starry eyed to see. Picked myself up and 2 months later actually agreed to marry him. He doesn't have the financial resources I have and within a short time I'm funding his hobby as well. Meanwhile I am just on this amazing emotional rollercoaster. And this guy is sending up to 40 emails a day declaring his love for me. It was like being a teenager. I thrived on the attention. And when he's not emailing he's on the cell phone. Yea and all the same stuff everyone else heard, his wife doesnt understand him, won't give him sex etc etc.

 

Then we meet last August, we lived on different sides of the country, both of our spouses knew about it but of course assumed it was related to our hobby so it looked legitimate. Anyway, amazing weeked, so much fun, had such a great time, got on famously. At the end of it, he tells me he wants us not to go back to our spouses but to run away then. He has a child. I don't. He was great at pulling on the heartstrings. I resisted under enormous pressure. I told him I couldn't see how he could leave his child, he was insistent he could. I told him he couldn't leave his wife destitute like that as she would have been. That worried me and caused me to do the most sensible thing I've done yet and that is go home from that weekend. Ok but I continued the relationship. What an idiot I am?

 

So a month or so later, his wife and child go away to see her parents. He wants me to come stay at his place. I refuse. While his wife is away he decides he missed his son terribly over that 2 weeks. Yes I think I told him that before. Fast forward a little bit, I leave my job, I rent an apartment, move to the other side of the country to be in the same city as him. What on earth am I thinking? I still have my house and my husband is still back there for his job still. We get together every couple of weeks.

 

If I haven't mentioned this yet this had just the most draining emotional effect on me. I didn't know what was going on in my head. I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown any second. It was thrilling and yet terribly painful all at the same time. My health has suffered, my finances have suffered. I am just a wreck and for what.

 

Ok so November I get pregnant. I don't have children because my husband and I in 10 years have not been able to have children. Guess what, it's not me who couldnt have the children I discover. So here I am 40 years old and just finding out I can have children but not with my husband at almost the last minute. Oh yes in the middle of this I have my 40th birthday, he practially ignores it, but when his birthday rolls around it's what are you going to get me? He is so self obsessed. If I was going to have a breakdown before then you can imagine now. December the guy I am having an affair with goes to a party and tells me the next morning he was drugged at that party and then bound and raped for 6 hours. I don't know if this actually happened or not. I have to believe it did. I don't know if it happened or he was playing games with me to be honest. It nearly killed me to listen to the details. He was a mess. I sat instant messaging him for hours and days to support him through that. In the middle of it I had a miscarriage. This is like the worlds worst soap opera. I'm writing this thinking people are thinking I'm making this up. Believe me I'm not. This happened. Anyway he was very supportive but in reality after the day of the miscarriage he never mentioned it again nor would he discuss it. I was a mess. I needed support. I still need support. I got none. I can't discuss this with my husband or parents without explaining how I know I can get pregnant.

 

Then I started getting angry. I won't go into all the details but it's basically been game playing on both sides since then. He wants me at his beck and call, I won't be, I get clingy, he tells me he has a life outside of me, that is his family. At the end of the day he's sitting there with his beloved family, and I get to sit here in a new city knowing nobody by myself and of course have damaged relationship with my own husband. It's very lonely and what on earth am I thinking. He's decided as all of them seem to, he loves me, he wants to marry me but gee I just cant' right now...rememeber you told me not to leave my wife destitute well it seems i can't find a way to leave that wouldn't do that.

 

Anyway when I move to the same city, he comes to see me and brings his wife...lol. Talk about awkward. Yes I was good but I mean come on. So she loves me and wants to be best friends. Actually, she's a really nice lady. She tells me all about how they're trying for their second child and met on the internet, and what a perfect marraige they have. I feel so sorry for her.

 

With the help of this forum I've been distancing myself from him for a while now. Last week I told him where to go then I was silly enough to try and stay just friends. I can't do it. I'm writing this so I don't start talking to him tonight again. I need to stay away. My period is 7 weeks late and I know I'm not pregnant cause I haven't slept with him or anyone else since November, which makes me think I'm placing a terrible physical toll on myself that I have never been through before.

 

Today I have just been obsessed with telling his wife. I am so angry. I actually think I can move on without him. It's been a difficult week but I've lurked here nearly every night and I always feel stronger for reading the posts on this forum. I feel like I'm ready to pack up my car, drive back across country, quit my hobby and and let her know what her husband has been up to. I'm not trying to hurt her but I don't want him to get off so lightly and move on to his next victim as I'm sure he will. I don't know how to reconcile that. How dare he get to use me and live his life as though nothing happened. Me, I know I did it, and I have only myself to blame, but I have completely disrupted my life for this guy and what has he done for me...absolutely nothing. I know it will hurt her but she needs to at least know about the party in December I think. Goodness knows what he picked up there and I just couldn't live with myself if he slept with her and she got sick, cause I know he's not going to tell her what happened. Maybe it never happened, I don't know but I feel like an accessory if she gets sick.

 

I read something that someone wrote on here tonight which hit home for me. The sooner you can leave the better, the sooner the healing can start or something like that. I like that. I know I'm doing the right thing. It's about time frankly I did. What was I wasting my time and money and emotions for? Tonight I'm angry with him and angry with myself. I know I'm doing the right thing by getting him out of my life but please someone else tell me I am as well..lol...I just need to hear it from someone else. One of the most awful things about this whole relationship is that I have nobody I can talk to. I'm sure everyone here knows that feeling too.

 

Thank you all so much for bearing with me

[WWDDFD]

Originally posted by gypsycat

And this guy is sending up to 40 emails a day declaring his love for me.

 

 

HOLY ****. I thought I was over-doing it by occasionally sending a girl more than 1 text message within a day... 40 EMAILS A DAY?!!

 

 

 

...

 

 

 

Sorry I can't offer any advice, but at least you can live with the fact that you've made me feel a lot better about myself...

[sami]

I just don't know what to tell you other than to feel sorry for you and your husband.

[brashgal]

Wow, what a load you've been carrying! I agree with your plan except the part about telling the wife. I think you should just cut your losses and get out of there while you are feeling strong. For all you know, she knows all about him - after all, she met him on the internet - who was he cheating on when he met her? Usually when someone tells a virtual stranger what a perfect marriage they have, they are trying to convince themselves.

 

I feel badly that your involvement with him seems to have ruined your interest in your hobby as well.

 

Hang in there, you're sounding strong. Make a clean break. Let us know what happens.

[sami]

What will you gain by telling his wife?. Nothing.

[befuddled11]

Sorry that you're going through all of this. You've been through a lot.

 

Okay now, here's my thoughts.

 

Red Flag #1: he professes his "love" for you after only *2 weeks of knowing you ONLINE* You can't possibly love someone you've never met and spent time with in person, and sure as hell not after a mere 2 weeks. This is either a guy who's got issues or he gets a major ego boost by professing his love so quickly...hoping to make the gal melt, then she'll be putty in his hands.

 

Red Flag #2: The fact that he (gee, a coincidence?) met his Wife online, too.

 

Red Flag #3: The fact that the guy was sending you 40 emails a day. Can we say LOSER? Didn't the guy have a job? Who's got that much time in the day to spend writing emails?

 

Red Flag #4: He PROPOSED to you after a month of knowing you....um, that'd be knowing you "online".....

 

a) what a conehead. how can a guy propose marriage when he's still MARRIED?

b) he hadn't even met you in person yet, though he's asking you to marry him?

 

Red Flag #5: the whole 'drugged and tied up and raped' thing. That sounds totally farfetched to me. Let me guess, he didn't report this alleged rape to the police? Let me guess.....his admission of this event came at a time when perhaps you were expressing second thoughts about your relationship with him, and maybe he was really scraping the bottom of the barrel to try and elicit sympathy from you, so that you'd remain with him? There's GOT to be an ulterior motive for a guy telling this kind of story. And based on how nutso and obsessed he is, I wouldn't believe this tale for a minute. So did his wife know this happened to him, or let me guess...he didn't tell her?

 

The guy is your stereotypical "cyber predator." I know this type very well. I've dated 2 guys I met online, years ago (though they weren't married).....who lived a long distance away from me. Charming, very quickly smitten with me, declaring their love for me even before we met in person, proposing marriage very very early on, bla bla.

 

I would bet the farm on the fact that this is a guy who gets his kicks out of meeting women online....and that you're not the only gal in the picture. Who's to say there's not another cyber-girlfriend out there? Sounds like he's definitely no stranger to meeting women online and developing relationships with them.

 

You seem like a very insightful, honest, intelligent woman. You need this loser like you need a hole in the head.

 

What does your husband think of all this, now that you're living across the country? Does he know about your married man? Is he wanting you to come back home?

 

You've got to try as hard as you can to be strong and let this loser go, fast. Even if he were SINGLE, I'd still be warning you to stay away from him.

 

Get yourself to a therapist or counsellor..you need a support system considering you don't have one there. You need someone to help guide you and help you find the strength to leave this loser alone..to totally ignore him. What kind of bonehead guy introduces his mistress to his wife? Oh, that'd be Red Flag #6.

[sami]

Usually people do not differentiate between love and infatuation. It falls largely on you to find out what you are looking for in life. You need to see a good therapist. Try to make peace with yourself first.

[snicks]

i just want to tell u that tonite u might b feeling strong but u'll break down a hundred time (sorry for this bluntness)...wat u hv gone through is out of the ordinary..u need more than a forum or a friend to help u ...u need professional help like a therapist...plz go see one...dont depend on urself too much...may God bless u

[sami]

Hope you would listen to your friends and try your best to seek a professional help ASAP.

[Skittles]

gypsycat.......you have just stepped off the wildest ride of your life...let's hope!

 

 

.....that darned chemical brain change called "love" can make street drugs look pale in comparison sometimes

 

In reading about your trauma, I'm saddened but glad no child became a victim of this affair...some divine intervention?

 

You have a second chance to straighten out your marriage...and what others have said about making a clean break is a good idea.

 

 

 

Look homeward angel.

[gypsycat]

Thank you all so much for your comments. It really helps. As I mentioned one of the most difficult things about this is it is very difficult to tell this story to anyone else involved in your life to seek support and without being able to talk it out it is hard to make the best decisions.

 

A couple of comments I wanted to address:

 

1. Telling the wife - sami asked me what I would gain. I'm really struggling with this. Firstly I think I have a lot to gain. One I will feel more in control of the situation because I will have the ability to hurt him as he has hurt me. I'm open to other ideas if anyone has them on how to do that though. Secondly, if I tell her and this is selfish, then there is absolutely no way that the relationship can continue and I kind of need that. In reality though I won't tell his wife, I will just feel better for knowing that I could.

 

2. befuddled raised the 6 flags - I loved this and every time I need to I plan on coming back to read those. You know all those flags raised themselves in my head at the time, I'm not silly usually, and every time I just ignored them. skittles commented about "love" making street drugs look pale in comparison is so true. You end up making decisions that you would never otherwise take.

 

Red flag #2 - he met his wife online. I only found out that one when I met his wife. Funny he didn't tell me that one before.

 

Red flag #5 - the "drugged and tied up and raped thing" you know at the time that was the first thing that crossed my mind. My first instinct was it was made up but the story was so full of details and I was struggling with if this is true I can't not be compassionate and if it isn't then he's really screwed up. No he wouldn't report it to the police, no he didn't tell his wife. At one point I said I was going to report it to the police but he freaked out so I didn't deciding it was his life and he should be in control of those decisions.

 

3. A number of you said I needed to seek professional help. I thought this myself because I know me and I know I'm a mess. To be frank though I've never actually sought any kind of counselling or therapy previously, does anyone want to help me with how I would go about doing this. You can PM me if you prefer. I'd appreciate it.

 

4. snicks commented I'll break down a hundred times. I know I will. I have already. I've resolved every night for the past month to quit this "relationship" and I keep going back, but the fact that I am so addicted tells me I need to get out. No other relationship was like this. Part of my objective in posting this is so by telling someone it somehow committed me to getting out of this and to come back and read it whenever I felt like going back. I hope it does that for me. I really do.

 

5. Some of you asked about my husband - he misses me terribly, frankly I miss him too, if anything good came out of this we realized that. He is very supportive of me though. I am known for being adventurous and he has been incredibly supportive of me doing this. He knows about the guy involved, he has never met him and he thinks he's a friend of mine. Probably deep down he's concerned but he's not saying anything.

 

6. I wanted to raise a new red flag #7 that only occurred to me when I read befuddleds post. Our common hobby revolves around music. I ended up with a video where I was front row at a concert and I sent him a snaphsot. Now I'm not gorgeous or anything but I'm not bad looking either. It was the next day he started with the I love you and I think about you all the time that started this relationship up. Now you would think I would have worked that out. Silly silly me.

 

7. WWDDFD - glad I made you feel better about yourself...lol

 

Ok so I've deleted this guy from my instant messenger, and I've blocked his email. Now all I have to do his ignore the phone calls and delete the voicemails before I listen to them, and not let my head tell me to make contact with him, and not think about him. I was very attracted to him and I'm struggling with that. Next Wednesday I already have a scheduled trip to go back home for a week. I'm going to go ahead with that. Then I think I'm going to come back here, pack up the essentials and drive back across country. I need to set a goal for myself while I still feel strong. I still have 4 months lease left on this apartment and furniture and things but I'm better to cut my losses there financially I think than persist. We were already planning to sell the house and move in the summer anyway. I think we'll still do that but find another city to move to. I still have issues to resolve with my husband. As I said previously they're not serious, they are more about being married for 10 years and taking each other for granted than anything else.

 

Wanted to thank you all again for your comments and thoughts. They have been a great help and I'll keep coming back here to read them just to remind myself I need to get out of this. I know this is going to be really hard for me.

[sami]

There are many other ways of support for your inside system for nor getting back to him other than hurting him or his wife or anybody else. Try those positive ways. They may work better for all of you. Good luck.

[moimeme]

I will have the ability to hurt him as he has hurt me.

 

No, you will be hurting his wife, who has done nothing to you but live with and love a lying SOB. Does she deserve any more punishment? The best thing to do is take the high road. People think they will get satisfaction from 'eye for an eye' behaviour; it rarely happens. Usually, people end up feeling like scum for doing something they know is unfair/unkind, particularly when it involves an innocent party.

 

Besides, YOU made as many mistakes as he did and you know that, too. To blame and try to punish him is you not wanting to acknowledge your own part in your troubles. For the sake of your own mental health, the better thing to do is to fully accept your role in this and then learn from it, forgive yourself, and move on. Part of your anger at him is your anger at yourself.

[Skittles]

No, you will be hurting his wife

 

 

yep.

[befuddled11]

Originally posted by gypsycat

Red flag #5 - the "drugged and tied up and raped thing" you know at the time that was the first thing that crossed my mind. My first instinct was it was made up but the story was so full of details and I was struggling with if this is true I can't not be compassionate and if it isn't then he's really screwed up. No he wouldn't report it to the police, no he didn't tell his wife. At one point I said I was going to report it to the police but he freaked out so I didn't deciding it was his life and he should be in control of those decisions.

 

I don't know why, but this 'red flag' is the one that gets me the most. It is MOST bizarre that he would confide in YOU about this, but not his own wife. Hmm, now why would that be? That doesn't make any sense at all. Unless of course, he made it all up.....to make you feel sorry for him, to gain sympathy, to keep you hooked....or else's he's just fekkin' crazy. A good, practiced liar can make up all kinds of believable "details" to make the story sound so real. This is a very extreme story to make up. I don't know him, I wasn't there, but I just don't believe any of it was true.

 

The fact that he instantly "loved you" after having seen your picture, that shows you what a nut he is. If anything, feel badly for his poor wife....she's the one who's stuck with his sorry arse.

 

As for getting counselling......look in the Yellow Pages of your phone book.....under Counsellors or Therapists .....and you should find different listings......there's different counsellors specializing in different things. Find one that advertises as having a speciality in "relationships".......you might be better off finding one who's a woman, too. Sometimes a person 'clicks' with a counsellor and sometimes they don't. You can't really tell until you meet them. Considering you don't have anyone who you can refer you to someone they recommend, this is about your only way of finding someone.

 

It's wonderful that your husband has not let go and it sounds like he loves you very much. Maybe all this was just part of the bigger plan to bring you and your husband back together. It's good you're going back home for a week. If you still love your husband, make sure to let him know that....not many husbands would stick around when their wife up and left and moved away. Sounds like you've got a good one here.

[sami]

I totally agree with Moimeme that you will be hurting his wife most. She does not deserve that.

[Benedict]

Red Flag #3: The fact that the guy was sending you 40 emails a day. Can we say LOSER? Didn't the guy have a job? Who's got that much time in the day to spend writing emails?

 

Right on, Befuddled! Just what I thought when I read that! I like you, Befuddled, you say some pretty insightful things. Don't get me wrong here, considering the context of woe that we have, but you also make me chuckle, too.

 

Gypsy, Befuddled - and everyone else for that matter has made some great comments here, so I won't pile on...

 

But:

 

I still have issues to resolve with my husband. As I said previously they're not serious, they are more about being married for 10 years and taking each other for granted than anything else.

 

Do not underestimate this! I had the same thing happening in my marriage, and it was very insidious and deadly! Read back over your post, and consider what you were willing to do. I would not chalk this up to being "adventurous" or complacent in your marriage. That is where I would start looking if I were you guys.

 

As far as therapists, or counselors, or whatever you want to call them, ask some people you trust. More people have needed a therapist than you would at first imagine. And, like anything else in life, there are good ones and there are not-so-good ones. Most important, though, is to get a referral from someone you know and trust.

 

Completely as a side note: What is your hobby? I need a hobby that puts me on the front row at a concert, lol.

[sami]

" Taking things forgranted" is the most urgent and crucial factor that any couples should start working on in their relationship.

[gypsycat]

Thank you all for your advice and thoughts, including those who've taken the time to PM me.

 

Well i've managed to stay from this guy for a few days now..it's been very difficult though. I blocked his email, but he found his way around it with another email address and the content was something like "are you dead or something ". I keep thinking this "relationship" really wasn't all that bad, I'm just overreacting, and I really have to make myself think of all the reasons not to be involved in this.

 

For those of you who are concerned about me telling his wife, I'm not going to. It's just something I needed to entertain in the back of my mind to give me some element of control. I did write an email yesterday to his wife with no intention of sending it nor did I send it nor will I ever send it, I just did that to make me feel a bit better. It seemed to help. What I really want to do is to make him pay somehow. I know I'm better off just walking away. It's hard to do that when you feel so exploited. The mind is a wonderful thing. It's amazing what I've thought about...lol...just planting the idea that I might tell his wife sometime would be enough without indicating when or where, that would cause him some grief for a few weeks; just writing to him like we used to as though nothing ever happened but instead of to a separate hotmail account he had, send it to his regular email, his wife doesn't have access to that account, but it will make him worry ; demanding payment and/or return of computer equipment I've purchased for him. It was always on the basis of a loan, and yes I know I'm an absolute idiot for ever doing that. Frankly, I don't care if I get it back I just want him to worry about it a bit. Anyone have any thoughts here? Disappearing off the face of the earth sounds like the best road I suspect, cause I can see I'm going to get outmanouvred. This is just my mind sorting this out.

 

I really need to do the "don't contact me and goodbye" email. For some reason I can't do that. I think I'm concerned about how I will handle the reaction that will come from that. The more I reflect on this, the more I can see how I've been manipulated and outmanouvred and that is not normally something that someone can pull on me without me realizing. When I received the "are you dead or something email" it was hard for me because I was worried that he was worried. I know, who cares what he thinks?

 

I've also managed to organize myself a full schedule for the next month that keeps me out of this city and with my husband and parents. I'm really hoping that will help. I neglected to mention this earlier, however my family live in Australia and that has been difficult for me as I am here in the US, and today I realized I had enough frequent flyer points to go visit, so I'm off to see my husband for a week then on to Australia then back to my husband. I'm not sure how much I'll tell my mother, I know she will have a ton of very good advice but be very disappointed, and not sure how fair it is to put her through this as well.

 

I figure the longer I resist contacting him or answering his emails/phone calls the better off I'm going to be, and the busier I am the easier that will be. One of the things I've found the most difficult to let go of and this makes no sense to me as it is so superficial, is that I had this tremendous physical attraction to this guy. Others wouldn't necessarily, its something about me. I don't have that tremendous attraction to my husband although he is actually better looking. It's very weird. When you live with someone day to day, and see them with no facade, work out the finances and the housework and stuff it's just not as exciting. I'm wondering whether it is something about the excitement of the forbidden that got me into this in the first place, and if so I really need to get that in check. I know I need to see a counseller to let that go.

 

I haven't yet sought counselling but I'm going to investigate that when I go home tomorrow. I've found writing this to a group of strangers incredibly helpful, so I'm hoping that regular contact with a counseller will keep me in the frame of mind I need to break free from this.

 

Thank you all so much again.

[moimeme]

One of the things I've found the most difficult to let go of and this makes no sense to me as it is so superficial, is that I had this tremendous physical attraction to this guy.

 

An addiction to someone's pheremones can be hard to shake. That was the most difficult part of my last breakup - but eventually it's out of your system like any other addiction and then you wonder what the big deal was.

 

When you live with someone day to day, and see them with no facade, work out the finances and the housework and stuff it's just not as exciting. I'm wondering whether it is something about the excitement of the forbidden that got me into this in the first place, and if so I really need to get that in check

 

It's not the excitement so much as the lack of the mundane. Not dealing with all the day-to-day-ness with the other guy lets him shine in comparison. If you were to spend 24/7 with him, that glow would likely fade to normalcy, too.