What does this mean?

[Lost]

Hi,

 

I met this guy in April but we only started to go out and became more than friends in late May. Initially as usual he would call me everyday, even when he was at work(I'm in U). He would call while waiting to meet his client and would ask me out for movies etc.

 

Initially I was really confused and didn't know whether I should accept him as more than a friend coz things happened all so quickly and unexpectedly but he sounded really sincere and wanted me to give him a chance. After much thought I decided to give him and myself a chance and we became a couple.

 

However I discover that as time goes by-infact it was really fast that he started to disapperance frequently-his job requires him to go abroad quite frequently to meet clients and at many times those are so-called last minute thing so he says he couldn't call to let me know. He would however call me from the airport when he returns or come over to my place almost immediately after he reached S'pore.

 

I don't know if I'm asking too much but I felt that we don't seem to be like a couple at all given his busy schedule. We have not been to any movies eversince I accepted him and he can disappear for 2 or 3 days before calling me up. I started to feel that he's taking me for granted.

 

I felt frustrated so I decided to e-mail him when he didn't call again the day before and told him how I felt. He replied saying that he felt that he had let me down and that maybe it's the nature of his job that has given him no time for me. He said he called, sometimes even when he was abroad but no one answers the phone-I don't know if he's lying but it's true that if we're on the net then the call wouldn't come through. He even said that he wouldn't blame me if I chose to have other ideas ie to reconsider our situation again but wanted me to let him know how I felt.

 

I told him that I didn't really blame him but just that I want him to at least drop me a mail or leave a voice message if he's going abroad rather than let me wonder where he has disppeared to again.

 

He asked if I am happy or sad when I am with him and I told him I am happy when he doesn't disappear for no reason but I'm sad and frustrated when he does that so frequently. He hasn't replied to that mail since Sunday-has been a week and he hadn't call at all.

 

What is this silence supposed to mean? I was really disapponted at such an attitude but I didn't want to call him to ask why. I wanted him to tell me what is going on. Now I felt hurt coz this is the first time I've been in a serious relationship but till now I did not regret sending him that mail telling him how I felt. My intention was for him to realise the problem and do something.

 

What should I do now? Wait for him to call or e-mail him again to tell him that I will move on instead? I feel so angry and lost.

[Lucille]

If you're feeling upset by this behaviour this early on, it will only get worse. I was in a similar situation, and my bf used to never call or tell me anything or even when he was coming home. When I kicked up a fuss that didn't make any difference, so I took a giant step back and made him make the effort. (Now he calls me every day from o/s). Either he wants you and will make the effort, or not. It doesn't kill someone to call at ANOTHER time if no one answers, or to email, esp if they really want to. If I were you, I'd just get on with my life, not call or email and pretend that you've lost interest, and you will soon find out what he wants. Don't accept bad behaviour.

[Tony T]

Hia silence means he doesn't want to feel bad. It means he wants a girlfriend who can accept him for the work he does, the schedule he keeps, and the manner and frequency in which he communicates.

 

No man wants a second full time job of making sure another person doesn't get pissed. It sounds like his job is very demanding and he is in need of a mature, understanding woman who makes no unreasonable demands on him...one that will understand his methods and frequency of communication.

 

In future relationships, always remember it is very nice to hear from your guy on a regular basis...but if you show NO irritation if that doesn't happen he will want you so very much more. There is NOTHING a man wants more than a woman who can go with the flow, not be so demanding, a woman who is totally accepting. Of course that's to a point. If you don't hear from your guy for weeks at a time, hell with that.

 

When you get married, you will be with a guy day in and day out. There is no need for that to happen during courtship because it will come soon enough and you'll have new and more complex problems to deal with as a result.

 

Your guy here gave a great deal of thought to the type of woman he wants and needs in his life way before he met you. Considering his job, travel and time constraints, he probably was thinking more of a woman who would better adapt to his lifestyle.

 

Just write him off, let him go, move on...you don't even need to call him. Find yourself a guy who doesn't travel and one who will want to be with you on more of a regular basis.

 

I hope you will take the time to read my advice on the previous post. While it does not directly pertain to you, it contains some information that my be helpful to you in understanding how men feel and evaluate relationships sometimes.

[Tony T]

I guess Lucille was replying about the same time I was. Her advice is right on the mark and she has a gift of keeping things brief that I don't. Listen to her. What she said is right on the mark!!! Spot on, as they say in Britain.

[Lost]

Hi, thanks for responses =)

 

Lucille, what do u mean by taking a giant step back?

 

I guess u all are right, no point e-mailing him or calling him up.

 

But what I'm afraid of is whether such silence implies that everything has ended? That he is no longer interested? I told him in the mail that I didn't like him disappearing for days without telling me and this time he disappeared for almost one whole week instead. He has never disappeared for that long before this.I thought if he didn't want to go on with me then at least he shd let me know instead of making me wait here?

 

One part of me tell myself to get on with my life but yet I can't help but want to know what is happening here esp when we were still getting along great 2 days before I sent him that mail. He was so affectionate and sweet before this so I really cannot figure out why he would actually "run away" from the problem like this.

[jen]

i think you should end this on your own, not sit around and wait to see what happens. email him and tell him it is over, that way you can start to get closure. if you don't end it, it will always be a question, was it over or wasn't? if you end it then you know it is a done deal and you wont sit around and wait for him to respond to you. it sounds like he don't have time for a relationship anyway, maybe he shouldn't be in one with anyone until his job settles down if it ever does. i think you can find someone else, can't you? why dwell on this one guy? i know cause of what you said and that you care about him alot, but he dont sound like your type anyway. move on. so you can get on with your own life. to me nothing is worse and more wasteful then waiting for some guy, especially when there are so many of them and so many of them that will want to be with you and that are available emotionally and physically. good luck! move on!

Hi, thanks for responses =) Lucille, what do u mean by taking a giant step back? I guess u all are right, no point e-mailing him or calling him up. But what I'm afraid of is whether such silence implies that everything has ended? That he is no longer interested? I told him in the mail that I didn't like him disappearing for days without telling me and this time he disappeared for almost one whole week instead. He has never disappeared for that long before this.I thought if he didn't want to go on with me then at least he shd let me know instead of making me wait here? One part of me tell myself to get on with my life but yet I can't help but want to know what is happening here esp when we were still getting along great 2 days before I sent him that mail. He was so affectionate and sweet before this so I really cannot figure out why he would actually "run away" from the problem like this.

[A wise middle aged woman]

In my life time, I've seen it start early on... When they're young they say their teacher kept them after class when it was actually a Sally, Betty or a Lorrie.

 

When they're teenagers they say their coach surprised them with a last minute, unscheduled basketball or football game that somehow lasted til 3 in the morning.

 

Once they're men, they're often summoned overseas. Hon, the phone worked when their boss called them with the last minute detail and it also worked when they called a cab to take them to the airport.

 

Trust me... the phone was also working before they left without a word. Not informing you at all means that you're not a valued player in his circle.

 

Head held high, walk away.

[Lucille]

By " a giant step" back I mean don't call him don't email him, give up basically. When a guy is pulling away from you it means he is feeling you pushing (whether you actually are or not is irrelevant - it is all in his mind). The instant a guy pulls back, I back off entirely cos it means he's had enough and needs space. I don't know what the hell it is with men and space, but I back off to preserve my dignity more than anything.

 

I call it a polarity thing - if you want guys to want you, pretend you don't give a sh*t. Be nice but live your life as though you wouldn't notice if they weren't there.

 

I wouldn't say give up on this guy but do you want someone who is always travelling for work? It's really stressful unless you can trust them 100% and you have a busy life to compensate for when they are never there.

 

Good luck