What to Say

[whatadeer26]

The girl I am dating is having an extremly rough time dealing with the seperation of her parents. I have no idea what to say or do to help her. She is being pulled from side to side and keeps gettin drug into her parents mess. Her Dad just recently served her Mom with the divorce papers and since then she has been a wreck.

 

It is very selfish for me to come into a Divorce forum and ask for guidence, but I have no idea what to say to some of the things she says.

 

EX

I'm over everything right now

I hate my life

I'm so depressed

I'm so sad

 

I'll Say Everything will be ok. She'll respond No it's not

 

I just want to console her, but 25% of the time now she pushes me away.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

whatadeer26 :

 

Greetings, first off, if you don't mind, can you clarify something! You say the "girl you are dating", but further you use "ex" in your post? What is it? Is this person your girlfriend or your ex-girlfriend, whom you are trying to help out?

 

You might be thinking....."what difference does it make", but it does, trust me it does! In order for me to give the best advise and instruction as I can, I need to know what this person means to you. Because if I advise you to do a certain thing, and it's not appropriate for your situation, it could back fire on you.

 

So please, is she your "current flame" or your "ex", I will stand by for the answer.

[whatadeer26]

Sorry and Thanks Zen,

 

She is my Ex who has told me recently that she broke up with me because of the stress of her parents divorce. We have been casually dating again for a month now. We would talk every night until Monday I noticed her drifting away a bit. When she does I've learned to back off and leave her alone because when she gets into a really bad mood she tends to just want to be alone. I didnt understand that at first and tried to smother her with love. That backfired as she broke up with me via text message. She is taking this divorce harder than I thought humanly possible for someone who is 25.

 

Over the last month I have not seen her so down. This week has been the worst so far.

[2.50 a gallon]

I am in a similar situation. In our case, the state took my GF's only grand child away from her daughter, due to sexual abues, and has since adopted her out to another family.

 

From you point of view, also understand that she is filled to the top with negative emotions, and that includes lots of anger and fear.

 

We men tend to be fixers, and for now there is no fixing this.

 

The best that you can do is to let her know that you are there for her whenever she is ready to talk and just leave it alone. I know it it difficult,

but sometimes the best thing we can do is to not pressure her, and let her come to you as a friend. And if and when she does contact you, try to find an activity that you can share that is light and fun. Do not bring up the subject of her parents divorce, let her do that.

 

And should she bring it up, just listen, and if she should ask for your input be careful of what you say, other than to suggest that maybe she might try counseling with a professional.

 

If she wants to be held, hold her. If she wants to hold hands, hold her hand. If she wants no contact, do nothing other than a light hug instead of a good night kiss.

 

How long have you been dating her and truthfully how well do you know her.

[2.50 a gallon]

One other thought. You might be totally screwed with this girl, being as you were dating when all of this came down, she might see you as a trigger, a reminder of some of the saddest days of her life.

[karnak]

One other thought. You might be totally screwed with this girl, being as you were dating when all of this came down, she might see you as a trigger, a reminder of some of the saddest days of her life.

 

Yes, but only for some time.

 

After time has passed (be careful: it could be weeks, months or years) she'll remember you as one of the few people who stood by her in a time of need. I know... I've been through this type of thing, unfortunately - but I was the victim.

[whatadeer26]

Thanks for the replies and advice. Her and I had dated for about 6 months before this. Now we have been talking and going out for about 1 month now.

 

I had suggested she talk to a professional and have her mom go to one, but she hates that idea and thinks it is stupid. She has trouble opening up her feeling, but I think she is able to talk more and more about it. In the begining I wasn't understanding and as supportive as I should have been.

[The-Zen-Warrior]

whatadeer26 :

 

Personally, in my own opinion, I think you just need to back off and trust that things will go their own course, and eventually will iron themselves out and return to a more manageable state down the road.

 

You've done all you can, you have offered her an "ear to talk to", you have offered her a "shoulder to cry on", you have offered her up "advise", you have tried to give her some "instruction", what more can you give?

 

If your on and off again girlfriend is unwilling to seek out this professional help you speak of, and she thinks it's stupid, than what more is there to do? I think it's time to just bow out of this situation for a good long while, and let the cards fall where they will.

 

Just let your cooler head prevail, give her one last talk, be nice about it, but also be strategic about it as well. Just tell her that you've done all you can do, that your now going to let her and her family do what they need to do, and that now the choices of this situation are in her court, to do with as she pleases. Let her know your not "dumping her" or "forever backing off", but rather your taking an extended leave of absence from this situation. Be smart about this, give her the love, give her the friendship but no longer give her the enabler!