For those who shut down emotionally and walked away...

[UCFKevin]

I'm just curious, for those of you who were in a relationship that began to sour, and rather than stick it out and work things out and make them better, or at least try, you just shut down emotionally and walked away, leaving the other person in the dust...(that was a hell of a run on sentence)....was there ever a time afterwards where you thought, "Oh crap, what the hell did I do? I'm a moron!" Or is the emotional shutdown a permanent thing? Do you ever find yourself thinking of your ex, fondly or otherwise? Ever contact them?

 

I really wonder if my ex ever thinks about me. How can she not? Two and a half years together? Damn near everything reminds me of her, is it possible that it ain't the case vice versa? I suppose ANYTHING is possible, and there is, of course, no way for me to know, but damn...that'd be a little odd if she didn't at least think about me every once in a while, right?

 

Unless I truly just don't understand how the emotional shutdown works. Which perhaps I don't.

[wing81]

Hey UCFKevin, I know exactly what you are going through. I have had a similar situation happen to me too. In my situation we both emotionally shut down after different times though. We both ended up going out of town for long periods of time for work and school and during some of those times one of us shut down to the other. She finally called it off but did it over the phone while she was out of town. Of course a day or two before i was realizing what I had done but it was too late. We were together about 2 1/2 years like you and I wonder constantly if she ever thinks about me. It sucks becuase she is out there travelling around the country seeing new things while I am stuck here with all the memories. I'm dying to contact her and just not sure if I should or not.

[UCFKevin]

That's a bit of a downer, knowing she's going out and about and you're stuck where you are.

 

Maybe it's time a change? Time for a move? Don't let her have all the fun.

 

How COULD you contact her? Have you talked to her at ALL since the break up?

 

I mean SERIOUSLY though, how the hell could someone spend 2.5 years of their life with someone else and NOT think about them afterwards? That'd be a little...odd....right?

 

I'm basically going to just do one more thing and then wash my hands completely clean of her, more so than I already have. I'll email her happy birthday on her birthday. There's no real reason for it, I'm leaving anyway, but still...even if she doesn't respond back to me, she'll know I'm at leasty trying. Trying to be cordial. Y'know? Got nothing to lose.

 

I guess some folks just like to hold grudges. Even when the other person didn't even do anything TOO bad to begin with. I think when something bad happens, it's blown up in their minds and becomes catastrophic, then perhaps friends get involved and fan the flame, "Yeah, break up with him, he's a loser, go out with us and be single again!" and that sorta jazz.

[wing81]

Yeah, i know its time for a change. I just graduated college and i'm looking for jobs right now. I have talked to her a couple of times over the phone and seen her twice in person. At first everything was friendly and she seeemed to still care. But after about 2 months things went down hill like she didn't want to talk to me or hear from me. We talked a few more times and I was never sure how she would talk. Sometimes like we were best friends, others like I was the most annoying thing in her life. We haven't talked in about 2 months now though. Even though I sent an email a couple of weeks ago saying I still want to be friends and things along that line. Never got a response, not even sure if she got it.

 

One would think after that amount of time it would be hard not to think about the other person. I would like to think that the time we spend together meant a lot to her and the things we did she would still remember. In my case she has already found somebody new even though she doesn't spend more than a week in any one place. I think the thoughts of this new guy keep me out of her head.

 

Sending her a birthday email sounds like a good idea to me. I plan on it when her birthday comes around. If you make the first move and if she doesn't respond you know you tried. Its her lose if she doesn't want to speak with you.

 

The weird thing for me is half the time I went to talk to her see how she is doing and try to get back the friendship we had. The other half wants to tell her off the way she decided to go about things. I know I could have handled things better but I thought she would have been a little more understand knowing that this was my first relationship and break up. I just wish I knew if she wanted to be friends or never want to hear from me again.

[Dejin]

I think ex's remember who you are and what you are about, no matter how the relationships ended. Emotional shutdown is a temporary thing.

 

My situation was a little different than yours, but to make the story short, she left me for this other guy and moved away w/ him. It was all new news to me, one day everything was fine. The next, she left. Literally. I finally talked to her recently (4 yrs later) and she had tons of stuff to tell me. Mainly how she often thought of me a lot, tried to contact me (but couldn't because I moved eventually too) and wondered how I was doing.

 

At the time it came as a shock that she even thought of me at all, I mean I thought she wouldn't. Not after what she did. But I realized later that the impression I'd made on her and how we were when we were together could not be forgotten. And also that the negatives of the relationship cannot always dominate her thoughts. It was obvious that they didn't. She told me she went through a string of guys right after me that treated her horribly, which made her feel horrible for leaving me in the first place.

 

So na, she definitely hasn't forgotten you. Trust me. 2 1/2 yrs is a long time, it would be extremely hard to omit that past from your memory, and even harder to refuse the memories of the feelings at the time. Especially if it was, for the most part, a good 2 1/2 yrs.

[Tragedi67]

I understand what everyone has said about their ex still thinking about them. My situation was I was with my ex for three years, married one year out of the three total and he left me cause he said he didn't love me the way he used to and I lied to him pretty bad about having a serious drug problem. He left me for another woman, hell this woman believes his word is gold and that I was the bad person in the relationship, but I did not cheat like he did to me, and now he has done to her with me. He came to me about two weeks ago, meanwhile our divorce is in progress and told me that he wasn't mad at me anymore and that he still thought about me. I wanted to believe it so bad, but he used me for sex. He doesn't want her to find out, so I'm stuck dealing with the fact that I was almost completely over him, then he comes around knowing I'm still emotionally attached to him and used that to his advantage......I know that I will never want him back after the hurt he has caused but I can't help but think if he still will remember our good times instead of the bad ones......he's just bitter and telling her that he doesn't care about me and that everything including our wedding was a bad memory for him........I just hope he realizes someday how much he hurt me with what he did.......I wasn't the only one at fault.....I told him happy birthday when he came to work......yeah that's right we work for the same company different buildings and so when I see him I can't help but wonder.......

[meanon]

I've not been in this exact position but I have ceased contact with an ex because I didn't think it was doing them any good. Kevin I'm sure she thinks fondly of you and the times you shared. I think if someone leaves a relationship, they have to emotionally shut down to some extent otherwise they could never go. When they remember, they think of the good times but also remember why it didn't work. So I think the emotional shutdown does persist - they either don't love you or are choosing to overcome that love in order to protect themselves. That doesn't mean they don't care at all.

[hurtingandconfused]

I can tell you my story and it will fit with most of your(... I wonder the same thing also...

 

But how about we hear it from people who have dumped instead of the ones that were dumped (myself)

 

I know that sometimes you dump someone(your s/o) because you feel as if it was the best thing for you to do(at the time). But what if you made a mistake and then realize it too late. How much time does it take for people who dumped someone else to realize that the "love" you lost was still there...it just needed a lot of work to accomplish...I mean when does their(referring to my ex) thinking start to kick in? Months, Years, or when they marry and realize that they had the same thing 20 years back(over exaggerating.)

[sami]

Change of hearts happen for many reasons. Circumstances and conditions keep changing as well and people simply grow. Not every breaking off is bad or negative. Sometimes it is a positive sign of maturity.

[asilisa]

I know this guy that was over his girlfriends house, and left. He had forgotten something so he knocked on the door to get back in but his g/f never answered. That was her way of breaking up with him. She never even told him, she just stopped talking to him. I thought that was the craziest thing I ever heard. I guess it was to hard for her to tell him because she thought he would talk her out of it. I don't know. Not really the exact same thing as the topic but somewhere along the lines.

[will_woman]

I was dumped by my husband for another woman. I feel that people who change heart and fell in love with someone new, they will not remember the old one. Even if they do recall the old one, I suppose they do not give a damn too. They are now too engrossed in the new love.....new sparkles!!!

Why should they think about the previous one whom was badly hurted by them? They just cared about the fun and happiness in front of them right now. I feel that my husband just concentrate on his own happiness and do not care about my well being. If he had cared in the 1st place, he would not have cheated on me.

 

Can any cheater out there....or happened to have any experience....do these people ever remember the old memories?

[Vivid_29]

To answer your question, the only time I thought to myself, 'Oh crap, what have I done', is when I was horny.

 

I was in a 2.5 year relationship as well, Kevin. I work with my ex, so we talk every once in a while about things, other than work. She gets curious every now and then about what's going on with me and I choose to keep her in the dark. I'm sure she constantly thinks of me and how she f**ked up for letting me go.

 

I'm sure your ex still thinks of you, Kevin. 2.5 years is a long time (for me) to spend with someone. I'm sure she thinks of the wonderful times spent together; waking up next to you in the morning; watching movies together, ect ect.

 

It's funny how people come into our lives and POOF, they're gone! 2.5 years? Sometimes, I wonder where it all went!

 

No matter what she does and whereever she goes, I'm sure you are there with her.

 

~V

[Vivid_29]

I feel that people who change heart and fell in love with someone new, they will not remember the old one. Even if they do recall the old one, I suppose they do not give a damn too. They are now too engrossed in the new love.....new sparkles!!!

 

Not always true. When I broke up with one of my ex's and was in a new relationship, I still cared for her and wanted her to move on and not torment herself over me.

 

If he had cared in the 1st place, he would not have cheated on me.

 

I cheated many times and still cared about my mate!

 

Can any cheater out there....or happened to have any experience....do these people ever remember the old memories?

 

Although, I'd never admit it to any of them, I'll admit it to you. Yes I do!

 

~V

[sami]

There are some who still stay in touch for the good moments they had together and for some other good reasons. Others may pretend as if nothing happened at all.

[UCFKevin]

Yeah, I am feeling a little nostalgiac I guess.

 

But I did make this post to hear from the dumpers, which isn't to say I don't enjoy...well, that word ain't right, but I like to read others experiences and takes on the situation, but I was hoping to hear from some people who actually DID this, not who had it done to them.

 

Regardless, though, I'm not saying I don't want to hear others stories, of course. Keep'em coming.

 

For the most part, our 2.5 year relationship was wonderful. It got a little sour towards the end, but before that, it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Sure, I could've been better, but in the grand scheme of things, it was great between us.

 

I DEFINITELY don't think what she did was a sign of maturity at all, though. She closed herself off and ran away from a problem instead of dealing with it. Two weeks of no contact, I'm sure she just hoped I'd get the point and leave her be without her having to say anything to me. After all, I found out we were finished by looking at her AOL profile. That's a surefire sign of IMMATURITY as far as I'm concerned.

[Vivid_29]

But I did make this post to hear from the dumpers, which isn't to say I don't enjoy...well, that word ain't right, but I like to read others experiences and takes on the situation, but I was hoping to hear from some people who actually DID this, not who had it done to them.

 

Kev - Don't get me wrong. I've been the dumper many times, as well as the dumpee and I do think of them. It's hard not to, expecially when you live in the same geographical location - EG - going shopping in certain places with the ex, roads we've drivin on, ect, ect.

 

For the most part, our 2.5 year relationship was wonderful. It got a little sour towards the end, but before that, it was the most amazing thing I've ever experienced. Sure, I could've been better, but in the grand scheme of things, it was great between us.

 

What exactly happened? Was she cheating?

 

~V

[sami]

You are entitled to your opinion not to see it as a " sign of maturity at all". Remember, that is only your opinion not her's.

[hurtingandconfused]

When my friend talked to my ex on the phone(he knew we were having problems) he asked what was up with our relationship. She told him it had ended(it was over!) And the reason she gave my friend was..."Some people just grow up." I did not know what she meant....but I guess by reading Sami's post I can understand it a little better. However, I as well look at it as a sign of immaturity. Well I guess things like this happen for the best of us.- (hate saying that line) Live and learn

[SoleMate]

When I've shut down, it's really been over. The shutdown process goes on over a period of time, and the feelings are eroding away.

 

Of course, I think of my exes. But not much. I think of lots of parts of my past, and suddenly a face or voice or some words or a situation will come to me. It could be an ex, but it's more likely to be the lady I bought donuts from in college...or the look and smell of a hallway of an office building I worked in for years. Or my elementary school playground. Or my mom polishing her nails at the dining room table with the sun streaming in through the window....aahhhhhh....

[moimeme]

I suppose because I ended the last few relationships, I'd be considered the 'dumper'. I think of them from time to time, but not nostalgically because the relationships turned out to be very troublesome. Rather, I do try to remember the warning signs I should have paid attention to so I won't make the same mistakes again. I don't long at all for whatever might have been good, because in the end the bad outweighed the good enough for me to want to end the relationships and that leaves me with the notion that the good was just an illusion.

 

I don't wish any of them ill; in fact, I hope they're doing much better now because they had issues and problems, but there's not a scrap of wistfulness at all. I do miss the good aspects of being married, but it's because I'd like to have them again with someone new, not that I wish I was still married to the ex.

[sami]

How do you define a" dumper" Moimeme? Is he/she the one who starts first?

[moimeme]

Is he/she the one who starts first?

 

? Starts what? The person who ends the relationship is the dumper.

[hurtingandconfused]

So what you guys are trying to say is that the only thing you think about from your past relationships(exs)is...how bad it was and use that as your guidance towards your own happiness for your future/s?

[sami]

I meant to start the dumping. The one who start moving away from the relationship. Is it clear now?

[moimeme]

Put it this way, if the relationship ends and you're not the one who wanted out, you're the dumpee. It doesn't matter who started it, it's the person that finishes the deal that is the dumper. But why does it matter?